Page 14 | Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

Rabbithole90 · 2023-07-24T20:49:54+00:00

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40. I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

Iwishmymumwouldbemymum · 25/07/2023 09:47

ManateeFair · 25/07/2023 09:43

Is the whole idea of strippers, lap-dancing etc something you've ever discussed before? So, did he know when he did it that he was crossing what is for you, a major boundary? Or did he think at the time that it wouldn't be a big deal for you? What's your relationship like generally - is this out of character for him?

Some women don't mind this sort of thing, and some would feel exactly like you do about it - everyone has different boundaries and deal-breakers in their relationship. For me personally, I wouldn't feel like I'd been cheated on, but I would think it was grim behaviour and I would be angry, disappointed and also really turned off. I just find that kind of behaviour gross and unattractive. But it is definitely normal and understandable that you feel the way you do, and I think you have to have this conversation with him and make it very, very clear how you feel about this.

If he apologises, says he's sorry, that he had no idea you'd feel this way and accepts that he's done something awful that has upset you, then you can think about whether this is something you can move forward from. But if he doesn't care, tells you you're over-reacting, dismisses your feelings, calls you uptight or whatever, then personally that would be a deal-breaker for me.

Very sound advice, particularly about how he reacts.

pendleflyer · 25/07/2023 09:47

onlynotafan · 24/07/2023 21:55

Cheating to me is my oh even looking at another woman 👩

you take him out with blinkers?
On a leash?
any hot tips for his next trip over the jumps?

Original poster

Rabbithole90 · 25/07/2023 09:48

I'm not sure how I feel today, after having slept on it. I still feel cheated to some extent, I also feel disheartened and miffed, not to mention still being in total shock. So many questions, he'll never answer them.

Some tarts titties in his face

OP posts:

Megifer · 25/07/2023 09:48

Largeslice · 25/07/2023 09:41

It was at a hen party in a house I believe. What difference does it make where It occurred?

The link to the thread is on page 13. It's very interesting reading as it highlights massive double standards on MN

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If it was in a club then it is further evidence (not that any is needed) that these things happen in strip clubs.

I did see the thread after i posted and skimmed it. Fucking grim and I'm actually appalled at some of the responses on that thread

Comefromaway · 25/07/2023 09:52

Are lap dancers naked? I thought they were just scantily clad. I think being actually naked would be very different.

Personally it woudn't bother me if the dancer was clothed but having taught in a dance college where he has probably seen far worse I reckon my dh would be immune to it anyway!, Ive probably seen worse from the students at dd's dance college.

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 09:52

Rabbithole90 · 25/07/2023 09:48

I'm not sure how I feel today, after having slept on it. I still feel cheated to some extent, I also feel disheartened and miffed, not to mention still being in total shock. So many questions, he'll never answer them.

Some tarts titties in his face

I have total sympathy with you but ateotd she's just doing a job, his group went in there and he chose to buy a dance.

She might not even be fully choosing that if she's an immigrant. Or even if not, let's face it there are circumstances that lead women to sex work and they're usually not great circumstances.

JaneFondue · 25/07/2023 09:54

Your anger is better directed at your DH, who apparently thinks this is no big deal and not worth discussing, than the lap dancer.

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 09:54

Are lap dancers naked? I thought they were just scantily clad. I think being actually naked would be very different.

A private lap dance is naked. At £40 it would be a private lap dance.

Even table dances - they often have to pull their knickers to their knees towards the end of the dance.

J007 · 25/07/2023 09:55

My wife went to a Hen party a few weeks ago and a male strip club in London. She didn't know the plan for the evening..

There were a number of tables of different hen groups and the guys went around looking to see who was up for having a bit of a laugh(trying to make girls blush)

It ended up with one of the bride's to be being the central focus and using some squirty cream etc.

My wife was open with me as I know she didn't feel comfortable(she's talked about this sort of thing/boundaries before when I've been on a stag do). I have to say it did annoy me for a moment but, saw it for what it was very quickly, it wasn't her choice and the girls who had arranged it were younger. She didn't have a private dance and she wasn't the one getting 'involved'. Several years back she went to another hen with one of those butlers in the buff and fell out with her best friend, who had decided to wake up in the morning with the 'butler' despite being married (and I played football with him). They have only just reconnected and they are still married.

On my own stag do my best man arranged a strip club and I eventually folded into going. I refused a private dance they had paid for and received stick for the rest of the evening/next day. The club itself was really just a general night club with the addition of some topless girls dancing around poles. Although I didn't have a private dance, I know the rules are very strict, i'e, no touching etc if that is of any comfort to you..

This is the problem with hen and stag parties. Alcohol and peer pressure makes some people do uncharacteristic things. Emotionally they don't mean anything to the people behaving badly at that point in time but, they can have long term impacts for that 30mins of fun.

WannaBeRecluse · 25/07/2023 09:57

J007 · 25/07/2023 09:55

My wife went to a Hen party a few weeks ago and a male strip club in London. She didn't know the plan for the evening..

There were a number of tables of different hen groups and the guys went around looking to see who was up for having a bit of a laugh(trying to make girls blush)

It ended up with one of the bride's to be being the central focus and using some squirty cream etc.

My wife was open with me as I know she didn't feel comfortable(she's talked about this sort of thing/boundaries before when I've been on a stag do). I have to say it did annoy me for a moment but, saw it for what it was very quickly, it wasn't her choice and the girls who had arranged it were younger. She didn't have a private dance and she wasn't the one getting 'involved'. Several years back she went to another hen with one of those butlers in the buff and fell out with her best friend, who had decided to wake up in the morning with the 'butler' despite being married (and I played football with him). They have only just reconnected and they are still married.

On my own stag do my best man arranged a strip club and I eventually folded into going. I refused a private dance they had paid for and received stick for the rest of the evening/next day. The club itself was really just a general night club with the addition of some topless girls dancing around poles. Although I didn't have a private dance, I know the rules are very strict, i'e, no touching etc if that is of any comfort to you..

This is the problem with hen and stag parties. Alcohol and peer pressure makes some people do uncharacteristic things. Emotionally they don't mean anything to the people behaving badly at that point in time but, they can have long term impacts for that 30mins of fun.

I would get up and leave in this situation, given I'm a married woman, and I would expect the same of my husband.

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 09:57

I find a lot of posters on here whompisr literally have no.clue what happens in clubs and think it's like done sanitised TV/movie thing, and believe all the "can't touch" etc stuff.

I've seen reviews of customers in UK clubs talking about buying lesbian acts and talking about how one of the "girls" definitely got a few licks "on target" (the other woman's vulva). This is the type of shit that happens in even UK lap dancing clubs, but so many ppl are clueless.

JaneFondue · 25/07/2023 10:00

WannaBeRecluse · 25/07/2023 09:57

I would get up and leave in this situation, given I'm a married woman, and I would expect the same of my husband.

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I would too, married or not, because I find all this gross and not fun. I am old enough to stand up to peer pressure, and I would not have much respect for any adult man who wasn't.

Megifer · 25/07/2023 10:00

Rabbithole90 · 25/07/2023 09:48

I'm not sure how I feel today, after having slept on it. I still feel cheated to some extent, I also feel disheartened and miffed, not to mention still being in total shock. So many questions, he'll never answer them.

Some tarts titties in his face

He knows you won't like the answer. Sorry op.

Do make sure he gets an STD check if you do forgive him, a decent bloke with nothing to hide would do that if it helps you move on.

retinolalcohol · 25/07/2023 10:01

I couldn't get so wound up about this. People go along with all sorts on drunken nights out - I've had a lap dance from a woman (whilst I had a male partner) and I'm mostly straight!! Nothing to do with disrespect of women or even sexual desire sometimes- just seems a funny thing to do after one too many drinks, egged on by the rest of the group. We all know men constantly look at women, whether they happen to have a woman they love or not. It's natural, and happens the other way around as well.

Honestly OP if he's otherwise a good partner and father I think you'd be daft to torpedo your family life over this. He didn't have sex with anyone. For £40 I bet it was very short and with still a lot of clothes on.
Set the boundary now, for the future, and then drop it. Not worth the aggro

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 10:01

The don't touch rule - what does it matter if the man's not touching the stripper with his hands .. when she's touching his crotch continually with her ass .... Like seriously. Documentaries confirmed the gap between ass and crotch is almost never followed. That's the whole point of a lap dance.Its a joke.

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 10:02

(in the UK, I mean).

Lap dancing clubs in EE and holiday spots are essentially brothels .... As told to me by guys who went into then.

MasterBeth · 25/07/2023 10:03

I find men are so easily led and can't say no

Yes, they can. Get better men.

Mayhem3 · 25/07/2023 10:03

TheoTheopolis23 · 25/07/2023 09:57

I find a lot of posters on here whompisr literally have no.clue what happens in clubs and think it's like done sanitised TV/movie thing, and believe all the "can't touch" etc stuff.

I've seen reviews of customers in UK clubs talking about buying lesbian acts and talking about how one of the "girls" definitely got a few licks "on target" (the other woman's vulva). This is the type of shit that happens in even UK lap dancing clubs, but so many ppl are clueless.

Obviously you’ve been to a lot of these clubs to know.

There are obviously some underground clubs that will do more extreme things which are the ones you go to but most have very strict rules.

Most women don’t want random mens grubby hands all over them when they’ve got partners at home and are paid to dance.

It’s a job to them and they’re getting paid to dance half naked/naked but not to be touched or anything further.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 25/07/2023 10:06

I would feel cheated on too.

I would also feel cheated on if I were a man and my female partner licked another man's dick - pp don't tar everyone with the same brush!

WannaBeRecluse · 25/07/2023 10:07

JaneFondue · 25/07/2023 10:00

I would too, married or not, because I find all this gross and not fun. I am old enough to stand up to peer pressure, and I would not have much respect for any adult man who wasn't.

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That's a point. I've never had a friend take me to such a place and never had to think about it. I don't think there's ever been an age where I wouldn't have been able to get up and walk out. It's never been compatible with my values.

Iwishmymumwouldbemymum · 25/07/2023 10:12

One group of my friends who all got married within five years of each other all had a stripper at their hen. For various reasons (being abroad) I only went to one. I found the stripper performance absolutely gross but it wouldn't have occurred to me to get up and walk out. I just waited it out.

Really OP it's hard to say if your DH is a complete and utter dick who indulged in some very borderline behaviour or if he genuinely didn't think you'd mind something so ridiculous and now is tired and hungover and wondering why you've got the hump.

I think you know him best so give it a few days and talk it out. If he's dismissing your feelings then sorry but he doesn't care about you and you should rethink the relationship.

Megifer · 25/07/2023 10:15

"For £40 I bet it was very short and with still a lot of clothes on"

£40 would have been a private dance. Definitely tits out/rubbed in face, very likely fanny out grinding across lap, chest, very close to face. Having knob groped very likely.

Referencing a lot of clothes on in a strip club made me giggle tho 🤣

Qilin · 25/07/2023 10:22

Rabbithole90 · 24/07/2023 22:02

He's asking me why I'm being off. The DC are here, I don't want to air anything with them in earshot

How would he feel if you had a almost (or fully) naked man grind his crotch into you? Or you be semi naked rubbing yourself against another man? How would he feel if it was his daughter doing it to another man when older?

Would he expect you to be okay with the same scenario if he hadn't paid for it? And why?

I'd be upset for so many reasons - the act itself, the spending of the money, the disrespect for women, the disrespect for me as his wife. I wouldn't want to be close to a man who thought this behaviour was in any way acceptable.

Dh knows it's a total no go for me. Luckily it isn't something he would do anyway.

Cerealkillerontheloose · 25/07/2023 10:22

onlynotafan · 24/07/2023 21:55

Cheating to me is my oh even looking at another woman 👩

So does he walk around with his eyes closed?!?

ABugWife · 25/07/2023 10:23

I would feel the same OP, DP and I have our wedding coming up and have had a discussion about how we both think strippers are cheating we would both leave if the other had one at the hen/stag.

getting your rocks off over someone else is cheating.