Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

[Rabbithole90]

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

this has happened to me / us. I was fucking furious / hurt / betrayed. He’d won the paint balling on a stag and the other stags got him one as a prize.

we worked through it - it took me a while though. He took time to listen to me and heard what and why I felt - and didn’t try and brush it off. He did acknowledge that the atmosphere on stags was pressuring. We both discussed what our boundaries and comfort levels were with all sorts of things we hadn’t actually talked about before.

I feel safe and confident that we’re on the same page now. But I felt sick and gutted and raging when it happened.

@onlynotafan

well in that case your husband is cheating multiple times every single day. Soz Hun.

It's grim and pathetic but it's not something I'd throw a marriage away over especially if alcohol and a massive group of ladz had been involved

It's not the same as an affair - or even a one night stand

Oh god, it's "cool bloke"

@Megifer, trust me, I know what I am talking about. I don’t need to rely on second hand accounts or the Internet. I understand that might be uncomfortable for you.

As someone who has worked with sex workers and strippers for much of my life (non profit / advocacy / access to education + legal protection etc) - this is absolutely true. There might be rules about the punters not touching the girls / workers - but the tip jars get fuller much quicker when they allow it, initiate the touch them selves, offer the extras. Once you’re immersed in that world + you’re thinking about paying your rent vs the sad prick what’s the difference.

zero judgement on the workers - I’ve never met a 6 year old who wanted that for their lives, or a mother who wanted that for her daughter. But circumstances - sometimes of their own making but often of others - get them there.

the consumers are the problem.

but it isn’t just a Disney style burlesque event where someone pretty wiggles their tassels + bottom around contact free…

You're obnoxious

Its not at all uncomfortable for me that you don't believe it . Tbh I didn't at first and used to defend it, say it was a load of rubbish, its regulated, there are strict rules etc.

i now realise that was because my boyfriend at the time used to go to them a lot so it was easier to dismiss it all as rubbish and just not think about what actually goes on. It was easier I must admit so I do get why people prefer to believe it doesn't go on.

I couldn't be with someone who had the capacity to enjoy doing that, or even going to strip clubs. Men like that are morally lacking, or don't have enough intelligence to see the bigger picture, beyond their sexual titillation. The same goes for women drooling over male entertainers on hen nights etc. It is so gross.

@Megifer you really don’t get it do you?

@queenMab99 I agree. Anyone who enjoys the commodification of another person's body for their own sexual pleasure is off to me. I don't know how you can put aside what that person is thinking and feeling tbh. If they are only there for monetary gain because they have to be then you, the punter, hold the power and I don't want any skin in any exploitation game. It's grim as fuck.

Not to mention apparently lacking reading comprehension. The guy was saying it ISN'T OK for men in relationships.

If I've missed something please do elaborate! 😊

So gross, totally get why you feel betrayed.

In all honesty I wouldn’t be bothered he’d had a dance. As long as it was public I wouldn’t like a private one.

I’d be fucking livid he’d spent joint money on it though.

I don’t see it in the way same as cheating
it’s not great behaviour but it’s not the same as cheating

Whilst it’s not something I’d be delighted by, I’d certainly not throw my marriage away for it.
The overreaction on this thread is mind blowing.

Exactly!

It’s only a double standard if it’s the same people replying on both threads.

I saw that thread. I didn’t reply what I thought because a) I wasn’t sure it was genuine and b) I don’t see the point of kicking someone when they’re down. I don’t really know how to talk to someone who finds that fun/ arousing etc without coming across as sneery and judgemental so I don’t really see what value my post would have had assuming the original poster was genuine and genuinely feeling bad already.

From what I recall though, it wasn’t ‘full’ of women telling her what she had done was fine. There were plenty of people calling it grim, cheating and all kinds of wrong - presumably most of those posters would feel the same about the OP’s husband here so no double standard really. And presumably some of the people who think it’s all fine and not a big deal wouldn’t necessarily think to reply to an OP who IS clearly upset and broken about it to tell her how very silly she’s being - for the same reasons - although of course there’s always some.

I do think they’re different scenarios with different power dynamics and different risks involved for the stripper in question - but I don’t think one is cheating and the other not, or that one is ok and the other not.

Im sure if the husband in question on that thread had posted himself, saying what his wife had done and how he felt broken he’d have got plenty of support too.

OH went on a stag do there was naked mud wrestling at the night club. He enjoyed it as men do in a group of drunk lads. To be honest I wasn't upset with him because he was so ill. But it was icky I thought.

Another time involved dancing girls and a lot of baby oil which ruined the beautiful sprung wooden dance floor in our local hotel.

When Chippendale's were a thing weren't there screaming women attending their events?

I don't like it. Found out years later my DH did the same thing when I was very very pregnant and that he had also been in a brothel on his stag do in Amsterdam (for a look around 🙄).

I found out about 5 years ago and it has broken all trust in our relationship. I am at the point now where I care very little for him and I am biding my time (duck protocol) to exit.

At the time if found out we were going through a rough patch and it was all about honesty (too little too late). I was broken. The hurtful thing was these were supposed to be our best days - when he was doing all of this. He was also regularly coming home at 4am after taking his 'team' out for work rewards. I knew about this and blindly trusted him (lord knows what he was actually up too).

Now several decades later and a few more DC I can't even look at him. I loath the man he really is. If this is a deal breaker for you find your anger now and get out. Don't waste your precious time on him - they do not change

You sound lovely to be with.

It was at a hen party in a house I believe. What difference does it make where It occurred?

The link to the thread is on page 13. It's very interesting reading as it highlights massive double standards on MN

Is the whole idea of strippers, lap-dancing etc something you've ever discussed before? So, did he know when he did it that he was crossing what is for you, a major boundary? Or did he think at the time that it wouldn't be a big deal for you? What's your relationship like generally - is this out of character for him?

Some women don't mind this sort of thing, and some would feel exactly like you do about it - everyone has different boundaries and deal-breakers in their relationship. For me personally, I wouldn't feel like I'd been cheated on, but I would think it was grim behaviour and I would be angry, disappointed and also really turned off. I just find that kind of behaviour gross and unattractive. But it is definitely normal and understandable that you feel the way you do, and I think you have to have this conversation with him and make it very, very clear how you feel about this.

If he apologises, says he's sorry, that he had no idea you'd feel this way and accepts that he's done something awful that has upset you, then you can think about whether this is something you can move forward from. But if he doesn't care, tells you you're over-reacting, dismisses your feelings, calls you uptight or whatever, then personally that would be a deal-breaker for me.

😂

I agree. She actually says in another post that he is scared to look at women; since when is your partner being scared because of your issues ok?

Lunatic.