Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

[Rabbithole90]

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

You feel cheated on because you have been cheated on. Paying to have another womans fanny and tits smeared all over him and get himself felt up (at the very least) doesn't change this.

Sorry op. Remember if this is your deal you're not responsible for what happens next. He decided to do this.

If you decide to forgive him make sure he gets an STD test - we all know that most of these places allow more.

My other half wouldn't mind and I wouldn't either it's only a dance. It's not cheating at the end of the day.

OP I would talk to him about how it has made you feel and ask that in future he either doesn't do it or doesn't tell you.

@MrsMarieMopps you talk a lot of sense. I hope your children, and you, are in a happy healthy place now.

Another one agreeing with this. When I was young I would have felt yuch about it. Now, while I don't think lap dancer is the best career choice I wouldn't equate having a lap dance with a person having an affair.

“Most of these places allow more” is absolutely untrue. You have nothing to base that on other than your own opinion. Your STD test advice is way over the top.

I definately remember reading it - might look for a link next.

For me, regardless of whether or not you are OK with your partner getting a strip dance, only a fucking fool goes ahead and does it under the assumption that 'my wife/husband has never mentioned it, so they are probably cool with it'.

That's someone who really wants what they want to be true. Not someone who really thinks it's true.

Boundaries in a relationship are not a free for all unless explicitly ruled out (at least, not for me). I'd hope my partner would think: here's the kind of thing that might upset a lot of people, I should really ask grouty how she would feel before I go ahead and do it because the freedom to buy such a service is not worth risking my relationship for.

Ah ha!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4840745-ive-been-unfaithful-and-i-dont-know-how-tell-dh?page=11&reply=127348111

I don't think it's cheating. And for me it wouldn't be the money.

I just wouldn't want to be with someone who thinks of women as commodities to be bought and sold.

Tbf it is uncomfortable to think about if you're ok with your partner going to these places. But it is true unfortunately. Not only is it very easy to find accounts on Google confirming this, and unfortunately i know a lot of men who have gone to these places and confirmed its true. Some places don't of course, but most IME do. Its very naive to think otherwise.

STD check advice is sound. Why take any risks? Again I appreciate its uncomfortable to think about.

Megifer, it’s not true. It’s nothing to do with it being “uncomfortable” to think about, it’s quite simply incorrect.

@jessnoah You've misread my post. The OP said in her opening post that she'd always thought she would be ok with it.

I said if she's ever expressed that to him then she can't fairly just go in guns blazing now she's realised she feels differently. If she hasn't ever told him she'd be ok with it, or they've never discussed it, then it's different story entirely.

How are people saying a man paying for an intimate act (a lapdance) from a woman isn't cheating? I don't get it. It is clearly cheating. Just because she didn't slide his cock inside her doesn't mean it isn't cheating. I think people have very, very low bars.

An extremely quick and very easy Google search disagrees, as does my own experience hearing what happens in these places from men who didn't mind sharing that info with me, as does many, many other women's experiences. There's even been threads on MN in the past about this.

As I say I can appreciate it might be a bit of a shock 😔

It got deleted. I saw the same thread. The majority of ladies saying the op should not come clean to dh.

Lots of double standards in this thread.

Spearmint Rhino was around in the very early 80s

I don’t understand how so many women are ok with their husbands/partners paying another woman to dance naked, grinding on to their husbands cock and waving their pussy inches from
their face? And I say this as someone who worked on the reception of a lap dancing club so yes I do know what goes on, I’ve seen it all!

How can society be so appalled by so many things and yet still expect women to be accepting of men behaving like this? I don’t get it.

OP I would feel the same as you!

Why should YOU have told your husband he wasn’t allowed to pay for a lap dance? Is he a child or an idiot? No he’s a grown man! How would he feel if you sat in a chair and a naked man waved his hard cock around your face? I bet he’s be thrilled.

This is kind of where I am on it really.

I find it depressing that the defence of it always comes down to assuming the objecting partner is jealous or saying things like ‘it’s not even that sexy, she’s just thinking about what to have for dinner that night blah blah’.

It’s really not about that for me.

You don’t know if the woman in question/ others in the club are trafficked, coerced or otherwise being exploited. Yeah sure there’s always stories of how it’s a middle class medical student paying her way through uni and loving every minute, but the reality is that at best it’s women in such desperate need of money that they’re prepared to do a job that makes them vulnerable, exposed and prey to harassment - and at worst it’s far far more than that.

I’d honestly find a man who was prepared to pay in those circumstances, whether it be for sexual gratification, lad points in front of his equally tragic mates or just ‘a laugh’ to be quite repellent and I’d seriously struggle to see them in the same way again.

I’m not saying I’d definitely walk out and leave my DH if he did it, but he wouldn’t be the man I thought he was, I’d find it harder to respect him as a father to our DD, and I’d find it very hard to get past if I ever did - and it’s not because of jealousy.

I appreciate you may have reasons for this but you sound abusive to be honest. This is not a way for either of you to live.

I bet it won't have been the first time or the last time.
The type of man that pays for a lapdance is the sort who has no respect for women or their own relationship.
He sounds like a thick, creepy arsehole so the lapdance itself may seem harmless to you but I bet it's the tip of the iceberg. I bet he's the kind of man to be wanking to porn every night and what about the next stag maybe a couple of prostitutes in a hotel room? it's only a bit of fun isn't it.

I wouldn't consider it cheating per se, but i would find it embarrassing and I'd definitely have lost respect for him. These things put a dent in a marriage and whilst I doubt i'd uproot everything and be demanding a divorce, it would be a sad chink in our marriage armour.

I'll start by saying i would not be ok with this. My partner knows this. So if he went ahead then yes I'd consider it cheating.

But OP says she always thought she would be cool with it. It's not a leap for the topic to have come up before (discussing other people's relationships or whatever) and her husband then assuming the same.

She's not wrong to feel hurt and surprised at how hurt she is. She needs to tell him. "I am devastated / hurt etc"

But he didn't think he was going outside the parameters of the relationship so she shouldn't go in with "you... "

It's a horrible visual to have. My heart goes out to her. I'd be gutted. I have friends who wouldn't.

She needs to tell him and then give herself time to get over it. He should really be making things up to her and obviously she needs to spend some money on a total indulgence for her.

If he's a prick about it, gets defensive or argues his right to repeat if he feels like it then she should leave him, no question.

Its the double standard of 'the other thread' where a woman gave a male stripper a blow job. She was told to say nothing, this man has had a lapdance, no mention of any other services being provided. He should get an STD test, was the woman in question advised to do the same? I can't remember.

Don't be ridiculous or derail this thread - the OP has a genuine issue to decide how to handle

Very ott. I mean this kindly but you perhaps could do with talking about your issues with a professional. This is controlling behaviour.

I didn't see that thread but fwiw my view is exactly the same. Out of interest was that at a party or a male strip club?