DH said he will not find me sexually attractive when I'm pregnant

[Sophie592]

Evening everyone,

I need some support/reassurance/advice please.

DH and I are going to start trying for a baby in December. Recently, we somehow got into a conversation about whether he would find me attractive while I'm pregnant. I think I asked because sometimes I have self esteem issues and I am worried about how my body will change during and after pregnancy.

He is always bluntly honest with me, which I appreciate even though sometimes it is hard to hear. However, this time I was simply hurt. He said "I don't know if I will be sexually attracted to you. I don't find pregnant women sexually attractive. It's that there would be a baby in there". He doesn't think he will want to have sex with me at all, to which I replied that I am his wife, surely that would make a difference, and asked if he would at least still find me beautiful. He said yes, but the problem is he finds it incredibly difficult to compliment me even now, so with the potential lack of a sex life while pregnant, he won't even tell me I'm attractive (in a non sexual way). It's already making me feel so sad and unwanted and we haven't even started ttc yet.

I am concerned how this is going to affect our relationship, the strong bond we currently have. Knowing that if I do try to initiate sex I will be rejected and turned down really stings. I'm having a hard time getting my head around the fact that we will only start having sex again when he wants to and starts being attracted to me again.

Even if he is affectionate with hugs etc, it is not the same and I know I will find it difficult to accept it. Sex and intimacy are an important part of our relationship, at least to me.

I am already going to be sacrificing parts of my life to carry our child , my body, my clothes (I know this sounds so petty but I have low self esteem at times and my clothes are a mask and make me feel much better), my social life to an extent. I am choosing to do this happily, but I don't understand why he would do/say this knowing it will also probably mean my self esteem and confidence are sacrificed, feeling unattractive and unwanted.

Sorry for such a long post, I'm just really nervous and sad.

Thank you for reading,
S

Does he know that being brutally honest can be hurtful at times?

What an odd man. Tell him you’ll reconsider if he’s ever sure he’s into you not your waistline

Have you considered not having a child with him?

I'm assuming so, with how upset I got. We had another conversation about it the other day but just ended up arguing because rather than supporting and comforting me, he gets defensive about his reasons. Yesterday I was fine but I have been upset all day today, I have refused to talk to him about what's wrong. I did say though, that sometimes I just need comfort rather than a wall of defence put up in front of me. I was going to talk to him tonight but I don't know if I will, im very sad.

I would not have a child by him and would seriously now consider whether you want to stay with him or not. The man’s got more issues here re sex and pregnancy than Vogue.

Good to know before you get pregnant.

Honesty without kindness is just brutality.

Are you sure you're completely compatible?

He did it/said it because you asked and it's the truth.

He didn't say he wouldn't, he said he didn't know, which is fair enough really...you're asking him to imagine quite a lot there. Maybe you won't fancy having sex with him when you're pregnant. It's quite likely you won't want sex with him in the days/weeks/months after the birth.

I'd seek some help around your self-esteem issues before TTC, pregnancy, birth and having a small baby is notoriously difficult physically and psychologically, try and get to peak health before you start down that road.

How very odd. I've never known a man turn down sex ever.

When I was pregnant my hormones were crazy and DH certainly knew about it. Poor thing, he had to deal with a very large pregnant wife wanting sex, and he never said no. 😂

Not entirely sure how to advise you on this, is he just one of those people who are unable to understand tact? I think you need to be having a good think what this means for the future. Will he still find you attractive after the birth, after seeing all the stuff. After your body changes?

I'm wondering whether you need to take notice of what he's said. When people show you who they are, listen?

I kind of get it. I didn’t feel sexually attractive when I was growing a baby inside of me. It just made me feel different. I guess for some men it can have the same impact.
We were close though. Lots of kisses / cuddles but I didn’t want sex

I had a similar discussion with my DH before I got pregnant.

He said he was unsure if he'd want sex with me while 'visibly' pregnant and if he could feel the baby moving. It wasn't against me, it was the idea that the baby might know what we were up to 🤣. A kick from the baby during sex seemed like might be a little off-putting, a reminder of someone else in the room you may say.

As it is, he does want sex (currently 22 weeks), though a bit of a moot point as hasn't been very often between crippling nausea, vomitting and bleeding episodes.

But, he's never had any problem telling me I'm beautiful, and still kisses and cuddles me, kisses bump. He doesn't try and initiate sex as he knows about the issues but has said he is more than up for it, just doesn't want to come across a sex pest, particularly if I'm worried about bleeding etc.

I get your concern, and if my DH didn't want to have sex with me I'd probably feel rejected too. But try to differentiate between him finding you attractive, and him being put off by the presence of a baby he may be under the mistaken illusion he can 'poke' with his penis or will know whats going on!

I wouldn't have a baby with him, you'd be mad to commit further. I can't see how this marriage and starting a family will work if that's how he feels. Your self esteem will get worse.

Arguing with him about it isn't going to change how he feels.

It's a weird conversation go have. Makes me think perhaps you are both rather immature in age and life experiences?

If he is ignorant about pregnancy and he has concerns about making love to you whilst you are heavily pregnant then he might have has concerns about the baby but most men with a lack of understanding would research it.

Saying he wouldn't find you attractive whilst you are pregnant is incredibly juvenile.

I would hold off from bro going a child into this world for quite a long while yet.

He may not be attracted to pregnant women in general but I strongly suspect if he's attracted to you now he will still be when you're pregnant. He probably just can't picture it and is stressing about there being a baby in there. Many men find that weird. I really wouldn't worry about it. I also think you would do well to work on your self esteem through counselling ahead of time if you're already worrying about your post partum body as life with a new baby can be very emotionally challenging already. You shouldn't be so affected by his opinion. That said, tell him from me he's an idiot and the only correct answer to this question is 'I will always be attracted to you no matter what.'

This!

I would think very carefully about having a child with this man. He sounds very shallow and quite uncaring. If he is already saying he might not find you attractive during pregnancy, what if you put on weight, stretch marks, body shape changes afterwards.

So there’s a possibility you’ll never have sex again? Plenty of couples find ttc puts a dampener on things. If you choose to breastfeed will that stop him fancying you as he’s sharing you with the baby? What if you have a section and get a scar? What about stretch marks?

He doesn't sound very nice.

My drive rockets when I'm pregnant, after the first trimester (I'm too nauseous in the first trimester). If dh rejected me for the entire pregnancy I'd be considering it extramaritally, visibly pregnant and all.

I'm sure you're beautiful and lovely and sexy. Maybe there's a better man out there who would appreciate you more.

In defence of your DH it’s actually really common as they mistakenly worry about hurting the baby etc.

I would seek help for your anxiety and self esteem issues before bringing a child into the world. As previous posters have advised the psychological and physical effects of ttc, pregnancy, birth and then when the baby is here is not to be underestimated.

Neither of you sound emotionally mature enough to have a baby.

"I am his wife, surely that would make a difference, and asked if he would at least still find me beautiful. He said yes, but the problem is he finds it incredibly difficult to compliment me even now"

Why does he find it difficult to compliment you now op?

I imagine he’s thinking about you being very pregnant and big. It’s fine for him to say he’s not sure but equally fine for you to feel nervous about that. What’s not ok is you potentially not doing something massive (having a child) because he’s insensitive and not offering reassurance.

We have a lovely marriage, he is my everything. He is usually so incredibly caring and supportive. So even though I asked for an honest answer, which I got, I was shocked to hear this. He said it is not necessarily to do with me, but the fact that I am pregnant. But saying he doesn't know if he will be sexually attracted to me is just awful to hear. we are both 33 to clarify. @AnneLovesGilbert I thought about this too, what if he still finds me unattractive after I've given birth, due to seeing the birth, what it does to me, etc. He said he will find me attractive, there won't be a baby in there any more. So the issue is the actual pregnancy. It just hurts, I want to feel wanted and physically attractive.

I think this is very normal, lots of people go off sex in pregnancy - both the pregnant woman and / or her partner.

by 'am pregnant' I mean 'I will be pregnant'