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Original poster

DH said he will not find me sexually attractive when I'm pregnant

126 replies

Sophie592 · 23/07/2023 19:42

Evening everyone,

I need some support/reassurance/advice please.

DH and I are going to start trying for a baby in December. Recently, we somehow got into a conversation about whether he would find me attractive while I'm pregnant. I think I asked because sometimes I have self esteem issues and I am worried about how my body will change during and after pregnancy.

He is always bluntly honest with me, which I appreciate even though sometimes it is hard to hear. However, this time I was simply hurt. He said "I don't know if I will be sexually attracted to you. I don't find pregnant women sexually attractive. It's that there would be a baby in there". He doesn't think he will want to have sex with me at all, to which I replied that I am his wife, surely that would make a difference, and asked if he would at least still find me beautiful. He said yes, but the problem is he finds it incredibly difficult to compliment me even now, so with the potential lack of a sex life while pregnant, he won't even tell me I'm attractive (in a non sexual way). It's already making me feel so sad and unwanted and we haven't even started ttc yet.

I am concerned how this is going to affect our relationship, the strong bond we currently have. Knowing that if I do try to initiate sex I will be rejected and turned down really stings. I'm having a hard time getting my head around the fact that we will only start having sex again when he wants to and starts being attracted to me again.

Even if he is affectionate with hugs etc, it is not the same and I know I will find it difficult to accept it. Sex and intimacy are an important part of our relationship, at least to me.

I am already going to be sacrificing parts of my life to carry our child , my body, my clothes (I know this sounds so petty but I have low self esteem at times and my clothes are a mask and make me feel much better), my social life to an extent. I am choosing to do this happily, but I don't understand why he would do/say this knowing it will also probably mean my self esteem and confidence are sacrificed, feeling unattractive and unwanted.

Sorry for such a long post, I'm just really nervous and sad.

Thank you for reading,
S

OP posts:
MumGMT · 23/07/2023 20:02

Why does he find it so difficult to compliment you and does he intend to do anything about that?

Screamingabdabz · 23/07/2023 20:02

StarchySturgess1 · 23/07/2023 19:58

Neither of you sound emotionally mature enough to have a baby.

This. Not just a baby but a lifelong commitment to bringing up a child into adulthood. It’s quite depressing actually.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 23/07/2023 20:03

My H and I spoke about this during my first pregnancy. He really wasn't sure at all definitely borderline on not wanting to.

I became pregnant unexpectedly, and we went on to have the best sex of our lives (during my pregnancies) when pregnant sex works, img its unbelievable . He recently admitted that he somehow thought I'd be a different person. But the changes are gradual and he was alright with it, even found them sexy.

I'm currently postpartum and we struggled to wait 6 wks for recovery.

Your H may have similar thoughts.just doesn't know how to voice them

Original poster
Sophie592 · 23/07/2023 20:04

FiddleLeaf · 23/07/2023 20:00

I imagine he’s thinking about you being very pregnant and big. It’s fine for him to say he’s not sure but equally fine for you to feel nervous about that. What’s not ok is you potentially not doing something massive (having a child) because he’s insensitive and not offering reassurance.

@FiddleLeaf I honestly don't know. It's very upsetting. We went out for our anniversary a few months ago, I got so dressed up, make-up and hair lovely, the whole lot. He said absolutely nothing. I actually said to him "do you like my dress" to which he replied yes it is nice. I compliment him all the time, genuinely, but also with the hope that it appears as reflective behaviour, I would appreciate compliments too every now and then

OP posts:
TaylorSwifting · 23/07/2023 20:04

Also you may feel totally different when pregnant, it’s daft to think EVERYONE feels attractive and sexy during pregnancy. Just see how it goes, pregnancy is a huge deal and comes with so many changes.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/07/2023 20:05

Indeed his opinion is no reflection on you personally but on him, he has issues re sex and pregnancy. I would still not bring a child into this relationship.

Original poster
Sophie592 · 23/07/2023 20:05

Our sex life is good currently, always has been. But to be honest, that's only because I initiate it 95% of the time. This was another argument we had last year. If I didn't initiate sex, it would happen very irregularly

OP posts:
AllotmentTime · 23/07/2023 20:07

It's very very normal to have a personal conflict between the desire for a good old head banging shag, and the awareness that a tiny unborn child who's going to need all your love and gentle care is "present".

What's weird here is:

  1. you taking this personally- you need to work on your self esteem issues, because you shouldn't be THIS dependent on his approval and also you ought really to recognise that this is perfectly fine for him to express an honest opinion about sexual desire in pregnancy. How ever are you going to cope about discussions about things like being sore after birth or lactating during sex, if your starting point is that he has to always 100% fancy you.

  2. The mention that he "finds it incredibly difficult" to compliment you normally. Why is that? Got to confess I'm suspicious that there might be some reason like you tend to find an insult in a compliment, based on what you've said so far.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/07/2023 20:09

Was the argument around sex ever resolved or have you both just plodded on?. If therapy was not sought why was that?

That is yet another red flag here re him. He will probably go onto not have sex with you at all post pregnancy and birth.

drpet49 · 23/07/2023 20:09

NuffSaidSam · 23/07/2023 19:51

He did it/said it because you asked and it's the truth.

He didn't say he wouldn't, he said he didn't know, which is fair enough really...you're asking him to imagine quite a lot there. Maybe you won't fancy having sex with him when you're pregnant. It's quite likely you won't want sex with him in the days/weeks/months after the birth.

I'd seek some help around your self-esteem issues before TTC, pregnancy, birth and having a small baby is notoriously difficult physically and psychologically, try and get to peak health before you start down that road.

This

Xrays · 23/07/2023 20:09

Well he’s just being honest. Lots of people - men and women - completely go off sex during pregnancy for all sorts of reasons. If your relationship is strong enough you’ll survive it. Dh and I have been together for 15 years and there have been plenty of times for one reason or another (mainly disability/ surgery related in our case) where one of us has completely gone off it and you just muddle through because you know you love each other and it’s a temporary thing. I see this as a similar thing. He’s not saying he doesn’t find you attractive when you’re pregnant - he just doesn’t find a woman’s pregnant body sexy. And I think that’s fine.

Original poster
Sophie592 · 23/07/2023 20:11

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/07/2023 20:09

Was the argument around sex ever resolved or have you both just plodded on?. If therapy was not sought why was that?

That is yet another red flag here re him. He will probably go onto not have sex with you at all post pregnancy and birth.

@AttilaTheMeerkat honestly just plodded on. funny enough, this morning he tried to initiate, verbally, which was rare. but I walked out and said im going to make breakfast.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophie592 · 23/07/2023 20:12

not out of spite, but because of the way im feeling I have absolutely no desire to have sex at that moment

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/07/2023 20:13

He did not compliment her at all when she dressed up for their wedding anniversary dinner. She had to almost wrestle a compliment out of him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2023 20:13

Hmm, communication seems a struggle beyond the hypothetical pregnancy sex thing.

CovertImage · 23/07/2023 20:13

Why do you keep asking him for compliments? - that would be a turn off for me

HeddaGarbled · 23/07/2023 20:14

He said "I don't know if I will be sexually attracted to you. I don't find pregnant women sexually attractive

I think that’s a completely reasonable and honest expression of his uncertainty.

Would you not think he was a weirdo fetishist if he said he was sexually attracted to pregnant women?

It will be different when it’s you.

Though, TBH, I do think we are a bit obsessional about being up for it at all times and no one will die if they don’t have sex for a few months.

Original poster
Sophie592 · 23/07/2023 20:15

CovertImage · 23/07/2023 20:13

Why do you keep asking him for compliments? - that would be a turn off for me

@CovertImage I never said I keep asking him for compliments? I asked him one time when we were out for our anniversary if he liked my dress. I am stating how upsetting it is to barely ever be complimented.

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 23/07/2023 20:16

TaylorSwifting · 23/07/2023 20:01

I think this is very normal, lots of people go off sex in pregnancy - both the pregnant woman and / or her partner.

Or the opposite. It just helps if it is the same for both of you.

NadjaCravensworth1 · 23/07/2023 20:19

Sophie592 · 23/07/2023 20:00

We have a lovely marriage, he is my everything. He is usually so incredibly caring and supportive. So even though I asked for an honest answer, which I got, I was shocked to hear this. He said it is not necessarily to do with me, but the fact that I am pregnant. But saying he doesn't know if he will be sexually attracted to me is just awful to hear. we are both 33 to clarify. @AnneLovesGilbert I thought about this too, what if he still finds me unattractive after I've given birth, due to seeing the birth, what it does to me, etc. He said he will find me attractive, there won't be a baby in there any more. So the issue is the actual pregnancy. It just hurts, I want to feel wanted and physically attractive.

I can definitely see why he wouldn't want to have sex with you once baby is visibly moving etc. - if I was a man I wouldn't either I don't think. It's just horses for courses, I wouldn't take it personally.

Hibiscrubbed · 23/07/2023 20:21

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2023 19:56

So there’s a possibility you’ll never have sex again? Plenty of couples find ttc puts a dampener on things. If you choose to breastfeed will that stop him fancying you as he’s sharing you with the baby? What if you have a section and get a scar? What about stretch marks?

Exactly. He’s giving himself a get-out clause or possibly, cynically, trying to deliberately put a fear into you so you try to prevent your body from being too different afterwards in order to please him.

I know that sounds particularly cynical, even for Mumsnet, but my poor friend’s ex did just that. Only he was more ‘jokingly’ threatening with it. She had a terrible pregnancy, was terrified of being fat and stretched, made herself terribly ill and anaemic, then had a PPH that her body wasn’t prepared for and developed awful PND.

He still cheated on her, blaming her depression. He is a shit father, too. He’s just not interested and truly believed all the shit that went down, including her PND was her fault.

Agapornis · 23/07/2023 20:22

When he says "there will be a baby in there", does he think his penis will hit the baby? Because he may need an anatomy lesson Grin

AllotmentTime · 23/07/2023 20:23

Shocked at the number of posters who can't comprehend that looking at a pregnant wife and thinking "wow we're really having a baby, that's a big lifechanging thing" might distract a man from his usual level of desire.

Obviously not everyone has that, or people get past it, but can so many PPs really not imagine feeling that at all??

Tryingtohelp12 · 23/07/2023 20:23

My DH is quite honest with me and doesn’t find pregnancy attractive. He still finds me attractive and we have sex but I’ve heard some men find pregnant bodies insanely attractive. He’s not one of those!!! I was surprised but honestly my pregnant body is soo different to my normal body I do understand. He’s never been bothered about feeling my bump or baby movements etc. he’s honestly an incredible dad but yeah pregnancy not his thing. We’re about to have our third. Obviously that is an outcome of finding my none pregnant body attractive!! 😂 appreciate his honesty and try not to ask questions where the answers will trigger your anxieties/insecurities!

Greenfishy · 23/07/2023 20:25

Re. the compliment issue - it would upset me a bit if my DP literally never complimented me. Have you looked at/read the love languages book? That might help you both.

It is very normal for blokes to go off sex when their partner is pregnant. I think that think the baby can see their penis or something!!

Kindly, your self esteem issues are yours to sort out. I think this is separate from the compliment thing. I don’t believe it’s ever one half of a couples job to pander to the other half’s issues.