DH said he will not find me sexually attractive when I'm pregnant

[Sophie592]

Evening everyone,

I need some support/reassurance/advice please.

DH and I are going to start trying for a baby in December. Recently, we somehow got into a conversation about whether he would find me attractive while I'm pregnant. I think I asked because sometimes I have self esteem issues and I am worried about how my body will change during and after pregnancy.

He is always bluntly honest with me, which I appreciate even though sometimes it is hard to hear. However, this time I was simply hurt. He said "I don't know if I will be sexually attracted to you. I don't find pregnant women sexually attractive. It's that there would be a baby in there". He doesn't think he will want to have sex with me at all, to which I replied that I am his wife, surely that would make a difference, and asked if he would at least still find me beautiful. He said yes, but the problem is he finds it incredibly difficult to compliment me even now, so with the potential lack of a sex life while pregnant, he won't even tell me I'm attractive (in a non sexual way). It's already making me feel so sad and unwanted and we haven't even started ttc yet.

I am concerned how this is going to affect our relationship, the strong bond we currently have. Knowing that if I do try to initiate sex I will be rejected and turned down really stings. I'm having a hard time getting my head around the fact that we will only start having sex again when he wants to and starts being attracted to me again.

Even if he is affectionate with hugs etc, it is not the same and I know I will find it difficult to accept it. Sex and intimacy are an important part of our relationship, at least to me.

I am already going to be sacrificing parts of my life to carry our child , my body, my clothes (I know this sounds so petty but I have low self esteem at times and my clothes are a mask and make me feel much better), my social life to an extent. I am choosing to do this happily, but I don't understand why he would do/say this knowing it will also probably mean my self esteem and confidence are sacrificed, feeling unattractive and unwanted.

Sorry for such a long post, I'm just really nervous and sad.

Thank you for reading,
S

Lots of comments saying "some men don't find pregnant women attractive". I don't expect my dh to find pregnant women in general particularly attractive. That would be a fetish. I expect him to continue to find me, his wife, attractive when I'm pregnant. (He does).

It's just an illogical false equivalence that people are trying to draw here.

For example, my dh had a leg injury and was on crutches for a long while and couldn't do lots of things. It would be incredibly bloody weird if I went around saying "I find men with crutches/leg injuries attractive/unattractive". But I did continue to find my lovely dh attractive, he's my dh, he's great. The leg injury didnt change that either way.

So much projection on this thread. The OP's DH has specifically said it's the presence of the baby that's his concern and that he expects to still fancy her after pregnancy. So the whole "he won't like stretch marks, leave him now" is completely unfounded.

AllotmentTime
I don't think people are projecting at all. They're noticing that he doesn't pay OP any compliments, doesn't initiate sex, she puts in 95% of the effort into keeping a physically intimate relationship going, his communication is blunt (which may or may not be a problem), the OP is insecure and the time before having a baby is meant to be the fun time!

He might have reservations about sex during pregnancy. That's quite common. It's also something couples with good communication can discuss.

The fact OP is insecure now, he doesn't seem bothered about showing physical attraction now, and doesn't seem to make her feel good about herself is a huge red flag.

OP - you seem to have accepted your ‘low confidence’ as a given and permanent state. And it seems that your only way of propping yourself up is with your H wanting to have sex with you and giving you compliments.
Now - you are worried about your attractiveness through/post pregnancy. And what it’d do to your confidence and your relationship.

This isn’t a way to live. What sort it relationship is it? It almost makes it all sound like you need to keep H around just so you feel ok about yourself.
Not really fair to put it all on him. He can’t be your walking support therapist.
It will get draining and eventually break down.
If you are this scared with few month of pregnancy/post partum - what about getting wrinkly and old. How will you be propping yourself up then?

Your H didn’t give you some fake reassurance - he said he doesn’t know if he’d find you sexually attractive (in the same way as now) when you are pregnant.
He probably meant visibly pregnant with a kicking baby in there.

Of course he doesn’t know - it’s a new territory for both of you. But it’s normal phase of life - as are many other phases.
Please - do figure out your issues before you have kids. There will me many more times in a grown up life where you won’t be able to use sexual attractiveness as a way of making yourself feel better about yourself.

Well having a baby needs to come right off the table as an option right now until you've both got your heads round it. Some pregnant women glow during pregnancy, and look more attractive than ever. Others (like myself) have a slightly green tinge, swell up like balloons and look bloody awful for the entire time. If you're the latter, you're going to seriously struggle if your normal coping mechanism isn't there.

I think you need to really work on yourself, and find yourself a better strategy for feeling good about yourself than relying on him for compliments and sex.

@LuckySantangelo35

Why are people saying OP sounds too immature to have a baby?
cos she’s admitting that she’s worried about the effects of pregnancy on her body and how her body will look??!
thats normal, not a sign of immaturity
i know women are supposed to pretend they don’t care, that having a baby is such an amazing thing they don’t care what their body looks like anymore but in reality - women do care!

Morning,

Thank you all for your replies, they have all been very insightful and I'm really grateful.

Those who mentioned I work on my confidence and self esteem issues, you're absolutely right and it's something I regularly think about; those issues are mine, and mine to work on. I always try to be as honest as I can with myself and others when issues and faults are something of my own and something I need to work on. I do not expect him to 'fix' that for me, because it's not his problem to fix, however not receiving any compliments or acknowledgement of his attraction to me does make it worse.

I do completely agree that before bringing a child into this world, we need to work on our issues. I spoke to DH last night, not specifically about this issue, but our relationship in general. I said to him that we need to work on us before we start a family. We need to be absolutely 100% strong. I need reassuring that this marriage is the right thing. He was really sad hearing these things but said that he can't argue with logic (about fixing our issues before having a baby).

I told him how I don't feel I am attractive to him, he never says or does anything, he got really upset and said he has a hard time expressing his emotions and it makes him feel uncomfortable. He said he will try harder. But as someone mentioned, he doesn't seem to have a hard time expressing when something is wrong/when he is unhappy....

As @ViewFromAfar mentioned, I have thought about whether he could be autistic, and I have also thought about whether I might be. Not to excuse our communication issues but because signs are there, albeit high functioning in most other aspects of life, but getting diagnosed as an adult is difficult and will make no difference - simply acknowledging it is enough as an adult and makes things about yourself make sense, if that makes sense.

tbh I feel bad for your H, OP. You really need to work with someone on yourself or you’ll drive this marriage into a very unhappy place.
You say you don’t need him to fix you, but you don’t quite see what you are doing.

Things you said to him - ‘need to fix OUR issues’, ‘need to make sure this marriage ia right’ - are hurtful really. It’s YOUR issues and your doubts. Yet you make it sound it’s all up to him to make YOU feel you want to stay married to him.
And now you are even diagnosing him with autism - because he doesn’t give you compliments.
Poor guy.

If he were my friend, or if he was posting here - I’d tell him to save himself a future headache and get out now. Being married to a needy person who won’t take responsibility for their neediness - is painful and doesn’t end well.

At a minimum - you two need to see a marriage counsellor. And BOTH try to see if your differences can be worked around. BOTH need to be making effort - not just him forcing himself to prop you up emotionally.

I think a pregnant woman is attractive even though you might not always feel it. I think having sex with your partner whilst pregnant is a nice experience too. Maybe you've both over thought it.

HE DOESN'T INITIATE SEX.

That's a him issue.

The number of people on this thread who are willing to diagnose the OP as the problem :too needy, low self esteem, demanding, erc… and to order her to “work on herself” before she “destroys the marriage” is just jaw dropping.

Your partner should feel passionately attracted to you, and if he can’t tell you he loves you he should show it. Otherwise you are just rather distant roommates with occasional duty sex.

OP ‘s sadness and anxiety and lack of confidence in the marriage are not happening despite having a good relationship (in which case she might need help in therapy) but because she has a bad relationship with a person who can not meet her need for kind, compassionate, and attuned communication.

Is he on the spectrum or is she? Whi knows. It seems to function as an excuse applied to him (can’t do any better) and as a fatal flaw when applied to OP (she can’t get her needs met, too overwhelming for him) its all ridiculous! OP has a right to want to have her needs met in this relationship! Maybe he is a very rigid, concrete thinker and she isn’t. That doesn’t mean he can’t apply his logic to the situation and choose to give her the love and affection she craves.

I'd have self esteem issues too if I had an unaffectionate husband.

Attract is a transitive verb - it has a subject and an object. Of course your husband (if you have one) should make you feel attractive. By being attracted to you. It's not something you should need to go and make yourself feel in isolation all by yourself, I just think that's nuts. It's setting the bar so low for a sexual partnership.

Cosigned!

You seriously need to separate your self esteem from his sex drive, his opinion on your looks, and your own opinion your body.

If your bond is as deep and your marriage as lovely as you say, then losing sexual activity for a relatively small amount of your life together whilst you grow, birth and raise a tiny human should not be as devastating as you are making it out to be?

You’ve got potentially 50 more years together and throughout that time there will be times when your sex life / physical attractiveness and attraction is not a priority (or even possible if there is illness or injury).

Your marriage isn’t strong if a temporary lack of sex can rock it. You need to try to get over yourself, frankly! Life turns up bigger priorities!

I agree with this too! Looks like we were typing similar stuff at the same time...!

If I ask my husband a direct question I expect a totally honest answer same if he asks me one, I will be honest I don't do mind games.

Not as serious of course but I wouldn't ask him 'do you like this outfit?' then get upset if he says no

@Clymene

Plenty of women come here with lower sex drives what their spouses and we tell them it’s OK. It’s their sex drive and they don’t owe their partner to fix themselves.
So it’s not a HIM ISSUE.

OP married him knowing what his sex drive was or wasn’t. And her post isn’t about their sex life. It’s all about her tying her self worth to their sex life and his compliments.

It is not a “mind game” to want to be loved and desired.” Indirect speech acts are a feature of human communication.

Sure women are routinely advised that they shouldn’t have sex they don’t want—but those same women are often told that they can not expect their partner with a higher sex drive/need for physical intimacy to stay in the marriage. Men are not told to settle when it comes to their needs and nor should OP. She has a need for physical touch and words of affirmation to feel connected to her spouse. If he doesn’t then they are a bad fit and should end the marriage. But she isn’t flawed or inappropriate for having a different love language than he does or that some Mumsnetters do.

My ex didn't fancy me when I was pregnant and moaned that I was fat....he didn't want to sleep with me because he couldn't stop thinking about the baby.....

Did you notice he's my EX?!

Out of interest, did you just shut him down/ walk away or say you were not in the mood at that time?

And when he recently tried to initiate she rejected him ( fair enough, her choice)
but if ask someone to do more X , then you reject them when they try what message are you sending 🤷🏼

@NoDatingFor0ldMen I expect you're sending the message that if someone treats you badly and says very hurtful things, you won't feel like fucking them

@Sophie592 I don't think I buy the whole "lovely marriage" angle if your husband fails to compliment you already and it clearly bothers you...and you are right, it will get worse.

This will come across as a very harsh opinion, as of course, people can have problems expressing their emotions - but until and unless they do, any baby-making should be put on hold.

Children also need to be shown and told they are loved - it doesn't matter how uncomfortable it makes him feel. Being there are a source of emotional support and comfort is part of being a parent. If he can show negative emotions but none of the positive ones then he will be one of those parents who are always angry, nagging and making children feel scared, tense and unloved.

So no, I don't think he is lovely. Even with your best attempt at making him sound lovely, he comes across as anything but.

He's been accused of being juvenile, having issues with pregnancy, or of trying to ensure that she's going to prevent her body changing so as to keep his interest. That he's shallow, uncaring, and only cares about the OP's waistline. That's just some of the comments.

Absolutely none of that is based on the OP's information. The OP describes him as caring and supportive and he has said that he will still find her beautiful during pregnancy, and that he'll be fine afterwards when she's not carrying a baby. I'm not saying there are no issues in this relationship, I'm just saying that some PPs are massively projecting on to this guy.