Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH said he will not find me sexually attractive when I'm pregnant

126 replies

Sophie592 · 23/07/2023 19:42

Evening everyone,

I need some support/reassurance/advice please.

DH and I are going to start trying for a baby in December. Recently, we somehow got into a conversation about whether he would find me attractive while I'm pregnant. I think I asked because sometimes I have self esteem issues and I am worried about how my body will change during and after pregnancy.

He is always bluntly honest with me, which I appreciate even though sometimes it is hard to hear. However, this time I was simply hurt. He said "I don't know if I will be sexually attracted to you. I don't find pregnant women sexually attractive. It's that there would be a baby in there". He doesn't think he will want to have sex with me at all, to which I replied that I am his wife, surely that would make a difference, and asked if he would at least still find me beautiful. He said yes, but the problem is he finds it incredibly difficult to compliment me even now, so with the potential lack of a sex life while pregnant, he won't even tell me I'm attractive (in a non sexual way). It's already making me feel so sad and unwanted and we haven't even started ttc yet.

I am concerned how this is going to affect our relationship, the strong bond we currently have. Knowing that if I do try to initiate sex I will be rejected and turned down really stings. I'm having a hard time getting my head around the fact that we will only start having sex again when he wants to and starts being attracted to me again.

Even if he is affectionate with hugs etc, it is not the same and I know I will find it difficult to accept it. Sex and intimacy are an important part of our relationship, at least to me.

I am already going to be sacrificing parts of my life to carry our child , my body, my clothes (I know this sounds so petty but I have low self esteem at times and my clothes are a mask and make me feel much better), my social life to an extent. I am choosing to do this happily, but I don't understand why he would do/say this knowing it will also probably mean my self esteem and confidence are sacrificed, feeling unattractive and unwanted.

Sorry for such a long post, I'm just really nervous and sad.

Thank you for reading,
S

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 23/07/2023 20:26

the problem is he finds it incredibly difficult to compliment me even now

He sounds mean and doesn't want to compliment you in case you get a big ego or something.
He sounds just really mean. Not someone I'd want to have a child with
Not something I'd want to expose a child too. Mean comments directed at them too I'm their life.

C1N1C · 23/07/2023 20:26

Wow, just wow, MN.

Everyone is allowed to have sexual preferences! If your husbands asked you if you would you still find him sexually attractive if he was Santa's size, you'd probably say the same! He's not saying he doesn't love you, he's just telling you pregnancy isn't a turn on. And you'd probably be worried if it was!

I see this as a catch-22 situation. If he says no, he's shallow, insensitive, a horrible man "why are you with this man???" (See above!)

...but if he says yes, some would say he has an 'ick' pregnancy fetish, "if he's lying about this, what else is he lying about?"... or if he isn't interested in sex while you're pregnant he clearly doesn't love you because 'you' haven't changed.

Besides, if MN is anything to go by, it seems like most women don't like sex when pregnant, and/or for many months/years afterwards, so if he actually suggested it, he's a sex pest, anyway.

Shock horror, you asked, and he answered honestly.

Ladyj84 · 23/07/2023 20:27

Any your going to have a child with this person, cmon open your eyes pregnant or not if you suddenly got fat for any reason he is not going to want you. I defo wouldn't want a baby with a person who can't love me always

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 23/07/2023 20:28

Mine refused to have sex when I started showing at about 5 months. .Faked that he would hurt the baby. I was ever so horny once and asked him why and he said he found my belly gross.
He is my ex now, obviously.

Lwrenagain · 23/07/2023 20:28

I'm really unwell (hg) with pregancy.
Can puke upto 100 times a day.
Can not get out of bed much.
Steroids make my face bloated and puffy and despite lack of food, the babies get massive.
We literally write off sex for about a year by the time I've recovered.
Not once has he ever made me feel unattractive, even when I didn't have the strength to even wash for about 13 weeks, or when he's emptied my sick bowl. He's been an angel.

How would your DH treat you in this scenario? Because honestly I look absolutely shite.
My ExH never went near me again after I had my eldest dc.
Really think about this, we all go into pregancy thinking it'll be "normal" but lots of women have a hell of a time.
Please consider how that would affect your relationship and ultimately MH as you sound quite anxious anyway about appearance x

Goldbar · 23/07/2023 20:35

He sounds cold, lacking in affection and conditional in his approval of you.

Are you sure that you want to lumber your children with him as a father?

Clymene · 23/07/2023 20:35

I'm not surprised you have low self esteem OP.

He never compliments you.
He never initiatives sex.

He already makes you feel like you're not adored and enormously desirable. And he's told he you he finds pregnant women unattractive

I wouldn't get pregnant and I would seriously reconsider the relationship. You will put yourself under enormous pressure for the rest of your life striving to get back to the woman he married. He will entirely destroy your fragile self esteem over time.

AgentProvocateur · 23/07/2023 20:37

He doesn’t compliment you and rarely initiates sex? I’d think long and hard about having a baby with this man.

MammaTo · 23/07/2023 20:39

To be honest I think this is a really common thing. My partner didn’t want to have sex when he could feel the baby kicking and moving and I can’t say I blame him, to be honest I was grateful for it because sex was the last thing on my mind.
But please try not to take it to heart, in all honesty even after the baby is here your sex life will probably take a while to get back to normal (dependant on your recovery after birth). It’s just a chapter of your life you have to look at and think this is not a time for “us” it’s time for the baby, rest and recovery.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/07/2023 20:41

There are already issues around sex because he rarely if ever initiates this. This issue has unsurprisingly not been resolved and you’ve both basically plodded on since trying to avoid the elephant in the room. His approval towards you also remains conditional and even on your wedding anniversary he did not readily compliment you - you had to drag on out of him. It does make me wonder why he chose to get married at all.

aSofaNearYou · 23/07/2023 20:42

MammaTo · 23/07/2023 20:39

To be honest I think this is a really common thing. My partner didn’t want to have sex when he could feel the baby kicking and moving and I can’t say I blame him, to be honest I was grateful for it because sex was the last thing on my mind.
But please try not to take it to heart, in all honesty even after the baby is here your sex life will probably take a while to get back to normal (dependant on your recovery after birth). It’s just a chapter of your life you have to look at and think this is not a time for “us” it’s time for the baby, rest and recovery.

I agree with this tbh. I don't think it's a personal comment on you, it's a hang up on the thought of there being a baby in there and it being wrong as a result. I don't think he's right to think that, but at the same time I don't think you would be right to take it personally.

Whatthefuck3456 · 23/07/2023 20:46

OP I have been in your position and it is soul destroying! Baby is 4 years old now and I still have massive resentment towards him, for how I felt, the insecurity and no self esteem all mixed in with hormones. Good luck op what ever you decide.

Clymene · 23/07/2023 20:47

It's absolutely fine and normal for men to feel a bit squeamish about having PIV sex with their pregnant partner.

In a context of a relationship where a woman doesn't already feel desired and attractive to her partner, it's a bloody disaster.

Thelonelygiraffe · 23/07/2023 20:50

the problem is he finds it incredibly difficult to compliment me even now, so with the potential lack of a sex life while pregnant, he won't even tell me I'm attractive (in a non sexual way

So don't ttc with a man until you're completely happy with your relationship.

I'd suggest that's not this one.

JaninaDuszejko · 23/07/2023 20:54

It might be worth pointing out that it makes sense to have as much sex as possible during pregnancy because you are likely to not be interested for a long time after the birth.

I have 3 DC. I was incredibly randy during my pregnancies, DH and I had some of the best sex of our 20+ year marriage when I was pregnant. However, post birth I did not want to be touched by him at all for a long time and didn't even want to see his naked body in the very early days post birth. With my second pregnancy sex hurt for over a year after the birth. It took over 2 years post birth to get back to normal frequency sexual activity each time.

So he can be negative about your pregnant body but you need to let him know it is very common for women to not be interested in sex after birth for a long time.

Thelonelygiraffe · 23/07/2023 20:54

Sophie592 · 23/07/2023 20:05

Our sex life is good currently, always has been. But to be honest, that's only because I initiate it 95% of the time. This was another argument we had last year. If I didn't initiate sex, it would happen very irregularly

That's unusual. Why is this the case?

Mayhem3 · 23/07/2023 20:55

So you asked for his honesty and now you’re upset because he was honest.
You were setting him up to fail by asking him a question you only wanted a certain answer to.

Tbh I completely understand where he’s coming from.

I follow a beautiful woman on Instagram who regularly has lots of thirsty comments from men about her body.
Since she has gotten pregnant I cannot even look at the comments because I find it disgusting how many men are sexually attracted to her pregnant body.
Perhaps it’s my issue but I just find it so wrong.

He will probably want to have sex with you up to a certain point and then may worry about hurting the baby or feeling odd about feeling the baby moving around whilst he’s aroused.

There may be times when you don’t want sex either when you’re pregnant and that would be ok too.

NannyGythaOgg · 23/07/2023 20:56

To me there is only one answer.
'Thank fuck for that 'cos sure as hell I won't want you anywhere near me once I am pregnant'

When he responds with shock, ask him what he expected. (That he is entitled to not find you attractive but, despite the fact that it is your body that is affected, it is he alone that is allowed to change)

continentallentil · 23/07/2023 21:01

Why doesn’t he complement you?

I don’t think a man not wanting sex during pregnancy, especially advanced pregnancy, is very unusual (although it’s not typical either), but it does sound like it might be more than this for him.

Does he understand your body might change post pregnancy? Yes some people do bounce back, but some don’t - especially after two.

continentallentil · 23/07/2023 21:04

I think I’d have some couples counselling before I get pregnant if I were you.

At the least, communication between the two of you isn’t good - and small children make that so much harder.

titchy · 23/07/2023 21:05

Sophie592 · 23/07/2023 20:05

Our sex life is good currently, always has been. But to be honest, that's only because I initiate it 95% of the time. This was another argument we had last year. If I didn't initiate sex, it would happen very irregularly

And yet you say you have a lovely marriage and he's kind and supportive. He isn't really is he - this doesn't sound like a lovely marriage. Did you settle because your biological clock started ticking?

Mumtothreegirlies · 23/07/2023 21:08

I wouldn’t have a child with him because if you’re worried to this extent now it will only be a 1000xs worse when the baby comes along. Then you’ll develop trust issues etc.

BostonSwanBoat · 23/07/2023 21:11

I would not have a child with him. That is not kind and supportive. You are deluding yourself and it is obvious that you feel insecure about his feelings towards you. It really shouldn't be like that. FFS he should be in awe of what your body can do in pregnancy.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/07/2023 21:15

StarchySturgess1 · 23/07/2023 19:58

Neither of you sound emotionally mature enough to have a baby.

@StarchySturgess1

what cos she’s admitting that she’s worried about the effects of pregnancy on her body??!
thats normal, not a sign of immaturity

onlyamam · 23/07/2023 21:17

Don't have a child with someone who makes you feel shit.