DH said he will not find me sexually attractive when I'm pregnant

[Sophie592]

Evening everyone,

I need some support/reassurance/advice please.

DH and I are going to start trying for a baby in December. Recently, we somehow got into a conversation about whether he would find me attractive while I'm pregnant. I think I asked because sometimes I have self esteem issues and I am worried about how my body will change during and after pregnancy.

He is always bluntly honest with me, which I appreciate even though sometimes it is hard to hear. However, this time I was simply hurt. He said "I don't know if I will be sexually attracted to you. I don't find pregnant women sexually attractive. It's that there would be a baby in there". He doesn't think he will want to have sex with me at all, to which I replied that I am his wife, surely that would make a difference, and asked if he would at least still find me beautiful. He said yes, but the problem is he finds it incredibly difficult to compliment me even now, so with the potential lack of a sex life while pregnant, he won't even tell me I'm attractive (in a non sexual way). It's already making me feel so sad and unwanted and we haven't even started ttc yet.

I am concerned how this is going to affect our relationship, the strong bond we currently have. Knowing that if I do try to initiate sex I will be rejected and turned down really stings. I'm having a hard time getting my head around the fact that we will only start having sex again when he wants to and starts being attracted to me again.

Even if he is affectionate with hugs etc, it is not the same and I know I will find it difficult to accept it. Sex and intimacy are an important part of our relationship, at least to me.

I am already going to be sacrificing parts of my life to carry our child , my body, my clothes (I know this sounds so petty but I have low self esteem at times and my clothes are a mask and make me feel much better), my social life to an extent. I am choosing to do this happily, but I don't understand why he would do/say this knowing it will also probably mean my self esteem and confidence are sacrificed, feeling unattractive and unwanted.

Sorry for such a long post, I'm just really nervous and sad.

Thank you for reading,
S

If that's the case, then is your sex life actually good? You deserve to feel wanted and desired and beautiful - pregnant or not. The fact you feel so insecure before having a baby is a red flag. Your body will change so much if you have a baby, you need to know your relationship is rock solid as your confidence could take a big hit and you need your partner to support you through it

I don't think it's unreasonable that any man might have reservations about sex in pregnancy or not be sure how they'll feel to their partner's changing body, just like I don't think it's unreasonable that women might have reservations or mixed feelings.
You asked him a direct question knowing it comes from your insecurities.

The bigger issue seems like the physical relationship between you at the moment is strained and limited. Until that's in a better place, you'd be wise to hold of TTC. A baby only adds fuel to any existing insecurities and relationship issues.

Don't have a child with this man.

I’m quite new here but I’m shocked at these answers. Women who would not proceed with a much wanted baby in what the op describes as a lovely marriage, all because their husband might not fancy them when visibly pregnant. And advising the op not to. If he doesn’t fancy pregnant women it’s not a criminal offence.

Except like many of these threads, it's not about the issue the OP initially posted about. It's part and parcel of potentially much bigger relationship issues. Which need resolving before a baby comes on the scene.

Do you think a relationship with a man who you have to beg for compliments and sex sounds like a lovely marriage'? That doesn't sound remotely lovely to me. It sounds stressful and anxiety making.

This board is full of women describing their husband's behaviour which is cruel, abusive, dismissive and nasty. And then weakly at some point saying 'apart from that, he's a really lovely husband/father/man'.

It usually means he's anything but.

That’s because the issue isn’t him saying he might potentially not want sex.

it’s also about the fact he never gives her any compliment
The fact she has to initiate sex in 95% of the cases
and the general communication issues - including him being generally ‘brutal’/to the point in the way he says things….

And that all of that trigger her own self esteem issues. Which he might or might not be aware about.

I am not sure if it has been mentioned, but have you considered if your DH could be autistic?

My other half is, and unfiltered honesty is how she communicates. How you described his style just rang so many familiar bells. My other half struggles to see the impact her words would have on my feelings without actively considering it before hand.

To be honest OP, is he really that lovely if you’re even worried that he will not still find you attractive post partum? It’s not something you should be so incredibly scared about. Some women’s bodies don’t change much (externally) and others do, even your breast tissue is changed by pregnancy and they will very likely droop a little more even if you don’t breastfeed as it is hormonal, you may or may not get stretch marks - it’s mostly genetic/skin elasticity or how big your bump is (which way and by how much your uterus tilts, size of baby etc) - all these physical changes if they happen are normal and a part of life. If you’re with a man and you’re going to bear a child by him and he’s going to criticise a body that brings life, I don’t think he is the right man - or you better have a firm and steadfast love for yourself and your amazing body in the face of it.

In terms of re; him being freaked out by “the baby in there” I mean I get it I suppose, but he needs to get a grip really, he sounds a bit shallow and immature to not find his pregnant wife attractive. How you feel about how he might feel about you post partum though is concerning.

I don't think this is all that bad, he might just be a bit shy and a bit blunt.

I don't think anyone knows what pregnancy and parenthood will do to their sex lives. I don't think many people's sex lives improve when small children are around, but that's not what it's all about.

Pregnancy is one thing, there's a fair bit of bodily change from breastfeeding if you do that, things being a different shape, birth injuries etc. Nobody really knows how it'll all end up!

Wow this sounds like my ex, he said he finds pregnant women disgusting and definitely wouldn't like my pregnant body or how I would look after. Anyway I got rid of him and I'm so glad I did.

FWIW, I think it does throw potentially conflicting feelings up for men - most of us wouldn’t normally have sex with other people in the room and to some men it can feel this way. So I don’t think it has to mean anything more than that.

The more immediate problem is that your confidence is already shot because he is insensitive and possibly cruel (brutal honesty isn’t necessarily a virtue) and he doesn’t currently express his attraction to you because you have to initiate sex so much of the time. As many PP have said, that’s the real problem here.

I couldn’t get worked up over an hypothetical situation.
You might not even want to have sex while pregnant - my libido went through the floor and is still down there at 21 months post partum.
we had sex when I was 6 months pregnant and then I got too big, too tired and too uncomfortable to bother.
it’s fine that he doesn’t find pregnant women attractive - it is a bit of a kink for some men but not all men.
doesn’t mean that he won’t find you attractive.
if you really want a child go for it.
I can’t imagine getting to menopause and realising my time to have a child had slipped away because I didn’t want to be unattractive while pregnant

I kind of find heavily pregnant women repulsive, especially the belly strokes and I’m a straight woman!

Well as a straight woman you're not designed to be sexually attracted to women whether they're pregnant or not so that's not really relevant.

As a straight woman the thought of touching another womans vagina repulses me, that's a normal attitude in a straight woman, but I wouldn't be accepting a man like that 😂

This relationship sounds doomed I’m afraid. He’s honest to the point of insensitivity, he never compliments you, he throws up a wall of defensive anger when he’s hurt you - it’s really
not good OP. Sorry 😞

Oh ffs I just meant vile to look at and always have. I don’t want to lick anyone’s Fanny. If I’ve seen pregnant women through the years I just try and avoid seeing them as much as possible.

Hence trying to give the husband a POV

You’re not reading between the clear lines here.

Have you ever wondered whether your lack of self-esteem is due to his bluntness and complete lack of tact and diplomacy?

I do agree with this sadly

You wont suddenly be a massively pregnant woman ..it takes months. So it is hypothetical. Day by day week by week. You will grow slowly. Not from one day to next becoming a hugely pregnant woman. Neither you nor he know how you will feel. Go see a counsellor together or separately about the aNxiety.

You're a straight woman though, not a husband, so not sure how you can give the husband a POV.

You're never going to be impregnating a woman and watching her carry your baby!

How come he has such a hard time giving you compliments but no problem whatsoever with telling you blunt truths which hurt your feelings?

If he’s so honest and able to communicate why are pleasant things hard for him?

Yes - so he finds it easy to be blunt to the point of cruel, but impossible to be complimentary and loving with what he says?

That’s a choice he makes.

I don't think after having a baby you'll be wanting to initiate sex with him. You'll be spending your energy caring for your child rather than chasing his approval.

Seriously reconsider the marriage. This is supposed to be the fun bit, the easy bit. Just the 2 of you making plans for the future. It gets harder from here and if you don't have each others backs you're basically fucked.