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Original poster

DP’s mum commenting on my weight

140 replies

troubledandconfused · 23/07/2023 12:27

I am feeling a bit upset and confused after being told about something my DP’s mum said about me. I’ll start by saying that we’ve always had a nice enough relationship. We go over to her house for dinner with his parents about once a month. They live abroad and are from a European country so there is a language barrier and DP translates. I’ve known his mum for about 2 years.

We went there on Friday night for the first time in a while, as we’ve been away on holiday. It all seemed OK and they were their usual selves.

Yesterday DP told me that he was on the phone to his mum and she said that both me and DP had gained weight on the holiday and are fatter. She told him not to tell me but obviously he did. Apparently he told her it’s not her business to comment on other people’s weight but she said she has the right to have her opinion.

I was shocked at the rudeness of this and also because it’s not true. I’m a size 10 and not fat. It’s bothered me a lot because I had an eating disorder in the past and have had therapy to deal with issues with food and body image.

Her comment has brought a lot of old feelings back. I’m angry that she felt she had the right to comment on my weight, and behind my back too. I thought I looked nice that evening and now I keep thinking of the dress I wore and wonder if she was thinking about how I looked fat the whole time. :(

It caused a row between me and DP because his whole family, including the grandparents, have form for this kind of thing and I don’t feel he stands up to them enough for it. They often criticise other family members for being fat or overweight and his sister even had surgery because of comments they made about her breasts after pregnancy. They constantly tell him he needs to lose weight (he doesn’t, he is into fitness and works out daily.) They are quite toxic but I never thought they’d start on me. It doesn’t help that he tells her a lot about us, including exaggerating that I have a sweet tooth etc.

It’s put me in a difficult position. I can’t say anything to her because she doesn’t speak English. I don’t want to go to her house again and I now feel uncomfortable eating with her. DP says I shouldn’t care and it’s a cultural thing and everyone talks about people behind their backs, but it’s upset me and affected my relationship with her. What else does she say about me without me knowing? Not sure what to do about it because we are planning to get married and I feel gutted this has happened. It’s knocked my confidence.

OP posts:
Beachside82 · 23/07/2023 12:29

You live abroad?

Beachside82 · 23/07/2023 12:29

Or do you fly out there once a month to have dinner with them?

Beachside82 · 23/07/2023 12:30

She told him not to tell me but obviously he did.

no “obviously” about it in my opinion

Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2023 12:31

Your problem is that your boyfriend is an idiotic, insensitive arsehole.

Get rid and get shot of these toxic people.

Beachside82 · 23/07/2023 12:31

Apparently he told her it’s not her business to comment on other people’s weight but she said she has the right to have her opinion.

you had a row because you think his response wasn’t sufficiently….. what?

EnjoyingTheSilence · 23/07/2023 12:31

Why did your dp feel the need to tell you what his mum said about you?

Beachside82 · 23/07/2023 12:32

It would seem your DP has as thoughtless gob as his mother

FictionalCharacter · 23/07/2023 12:35

Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2023 12:31

Your problem is that your boyfriend is an idiotic, insensitive arsehole.

Get rid and get shot of these toxic people.

Yep. Even without the horrible mother, I couldn’t be with someone who gossips about me to his family.

Original poster
troubledandconfused · 23/07/2023 12:35

@Beachside82 at the moment we live abroad for DP’s work but are planning to move to the UK.

I think he told me because he thought I should know what people are saying about me. I suppose it’s good to have the information because at least now I know she’s not as nice as she seems.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 23/07/2023 12:35

Your boyfriend is the problem here, he should have kept his mouth shut, especially knowing your history of having an eating disorder.

SallyWD · 23/07/2023 12:36

She shouldn't have said it, he shouldn't have told you. I will just say that people from other countries often do talk about weight far more openly than Brits do. My in laws live in Europe and whenever we have a family gathering they spend the first 5 minutes discussing who's put on or lost weight. I also have friends from Asia, south America and other European countries and their weight is always commented on by family members. I'm not saying this is good (I hate it) but it is fairly normal.

Beachside82 · 23/07/2023 12:37

troubledandconfused · 23/07/2023 12:35

@Beachside82 at the moment we live abroad for DP’s work but are planning to move to the UK.

I think he told me because he thought I should know what people are saying about me. I suppose it’s good to have the information because at least now I know she’s not as nice as she seems.

So you are currently living close to them?

What about your work? Are you happy uprooting again for him? Someone who a) tells you something with seemingly the only intent to hurt you b) you don’t think has your back and you are already rowing about it

2chocolateoranges · 23/07/2023 12:37

I don’t see anything your dh has done wrong, mine would have told me if his mum had said this about us both too.

for me it would put me off going for dinner,so I’d stop going and let your dh explain why!

80s · 23/07/2023 12:38

She told him not to tell me but obviously he did.
It doesn’t help that he tells her a lot about us, including exaggerating that I have a sweet tooth etc.
I can imagine that you might not have told your MIL about your history of eating disorders, but your dp should know, so that he can avoid this kind of thing.

What else does she say about me without me knowing?
Your dp is right that everyone does this to some extent. You are surely not only complimentary about everyone you know? And when you hear someone complaining about other people, you are aware that the other person must have an entirely different story to tell? You don't just immediately believe rumours and gossip?

But ultimately, you don't have to like her, she doesn't have to like you.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2023 12:39

There is no justifiable reason why he told you what his mother said. Not one. He told you to hurt you and see your reaction. He's a drama-loving shit stirrer. You need to take off the blinders and see this man for who he is. He's just like his mother.

BounceyB · 23/07/2023 12:39

It's their opinion, based on nothing scientific or reasonable. Even if you have put on a bit of weight, you shouldn't care what she thinks.

I agree it's not very nice of her and not great of him to tell you, but all families have issues.

StopStartStop · 23/07/2023 12:42

You know you are in good shape. Their opinions are irrelevant.

Clymene · 23/07/2023 12:42

troubledandconfused · 23/07/2023 12:35

@Beachside82 at the moment we live abroad for DP’s work but are planning to move to the UK.

I think he told me because he thought I should know what people are saying about me. I suppose it’s good to have the information because at least now I know she’s not as nice as she seems.

Does your boyfriend know you've had an eating disorder? Because if he does, he's not telling you from a place of kindness.

Nanny0gg · 23/07/2023 12:43

troubledandconfused · 23/07/2023 12:35

@Beachside82 at the moment we live abroad for DP’s work but are planning to move to the UK.

I think he told me because he thought I should know what people are saying about me. I suppose it’s good to have the information because at least now I know she’s not as nice as she seems.

Nor is he

Original poster
troubledandconfused · 23/07/2023 12:44

@Beachside82 yes we live about half an hour from them. My work is online so the move won’t affect me much but it will affect him. He will have to start again in the UK and give up his job here.

I understand that people talk and it’s not realistic for everyone to be complimentary but I feel that this is particularly two-faced on her part. To my face she is always saying how nice I look.

I don’t think my DP was intentionally thoughtless by telling me and making the comments to his family. He is a good person but sometimes tends to over share with family. If I try and discuss it he gets annoyed and says that he can’t say anything right so it’s a sensitive topic.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 23/07/2023 12:47

If I try and discuss it he gets annoyed and says that he can’t say anything right so it’s a sensitive topic.

Aaaah. In other words he tells you about insensitive and unkind remarks his family make about you but when you say you don't like that he'd rather you shut up about it.

YabbaDabbaDooooo · 23/07/2023 12:48

troubledandconfused · 23/07/2023 12:35

@Beachside82 at the moment we live abroad for DP’s work but are planning to move to the UK.

I think he told me because he thought I should know what people are saying about me. I suppose it’s good to have the information because at least now I know she’s not as nice as she seems.

I think he told me because he thought I should know what people are saying about me. I suppose it’s good to have the information because at least now I know she’s not as nice as she seems.

Do you?

I think he told you because he wants you to lose weight, or tone up or something.

I can't think of any other reason why this arsehole would stir the shit otherwise, especially if you've had an ED in the past.

80s · 23/07/2023 12:48

To my face she is always saying how nice I look.
Doesn't sound like she expected her private conversation with her son to be relayed to you, then?

I don’t think my DP was intentionally thoughtless by telling me and making the comments to his family.
You mean he did it out of ignorance/stupidity?

He is a good person but sometimes tends to over share with family. If I try and discuss it he gets annoyed and says that he can’t say anything right
So you can't complain about his poor behaviour without him turning it around and implying that you are a bitch?

Yes, in your position I'd be reconsidering marriage.

Clymene · 23/07/2023 12:50

She also said he was fatter - it wasn't just about you. I suspect your boyfriend was smarting at that so he decided to take it out on you. They are clearly a family with issues around weight and eating.

But be very wary of building a life with a man who doesn't respect your boundaries and tries to shut you down when you express disquiet.

Daffodilwoman · 23/07/2023 12:50

Why on earth did your dp tell you?
I find this hurtful enough, then knowing you have had an eating disorder is extremely cruel.
Is he one of those people who insist on telling it like it is yet gets all offended when someone tells him the blunt truth?
I would not go on the next visit, let him go alone. Tell him why as well. His family are rude.