DP’s mum commenting on my weight

[troubledandconfused]

I am feeling a bit upset and confused after being told about something my DP’s mum said about me. I’ll start by saying that we’ve always had a nice enough relationship. We go over to her house for dinner with his parents about once a month. They live abroad and are from a European country so there is a language barrier and DP translates. I’ve known his mum for about 2 years.

We went there on Friday night for the first time in a while, as we’ve been away on holiday. It all seemed OK and they were their usual selves.

Yesterday DP told me that he was on the phone to his mum and she said that both me and DP had gained weight on the holiday and are fatter. She told him not to tell me but obviously he did. Apparently he told her it’s not her business to comment on other people’s weight but she said she has the right to have her opinion.

I was shocked at the rudeness of this and also because it’s not true. I’m a size 10 and not fat. It’s bothered me a lot because I had an eating disorder in the past and have had therapy to deal with issues with food and body image.

Her comment has brought a lot of old feelings back. I’m angry that she felt she had the right to comment on my weight, and behind my back too. I thought I looked nice that evening and now I keep thinking of the dress I wore and wonder if she was thinking about how I looked fat the whole time. :(

It caused a row between me and DP because his whole family, including the grandparents, have form for this kind of thing and I don’t feel he stands up to them enough for it. They often criticise other family members for being fat or overweight and his sister even had surgery because of comments they made about her breasts after pregnancy. They constantly tell him he needs to lose weight (he doesn’t, he is into fitness and works out daily.) They are quite toxic but I never thought they’d start on me. It doesn’t help that he tells her a lot about us, including exaggerating that I have a sweet tooth etc.

It’s put me in a difficult position. I can’t say anything to her because she doesn’t speak English. I don’t want to go to her house again and I now feel uncomfortable eating with her. DP says I shouldn’t care and it’s a cultural thing and everyone talks about people behind their backs, but it’s upset me and affected my relationship with her. What else does she say about me without me knowing? Not sure what to do about it because we are planning to get married and I feel gutted this has happened. It’s knocked my confidence.

She’s not French but from a country close to there. Don’t want to say exactly where as could be identifying to my friends/family who are on here.

I will try and calm down. They have gone away on holiday now so I won’t have to see them for a few weeks at least.

Weight comments have always been triggering for me. My own grandmother used to be fixated on my weight and would regularly make me stand on the scales when I was a kid so she could monitor any gain. I had a lot of body image issues growing up, developed an ED but have done a lot of work to recover from it but I am still quite sensitive.

I have been feeling a bit depressed since I found out what she said. I’ve started going back to my old restrictive eating mindset and thinking about the calories in everything. It’s really shit because I was happy before this. Feel like crying.

Maybe you need to go back to counselling op (?)

It might be something that needs to be ongoing or topped up, as such.

As for his mother .... I would suggest to him that his mother needs done counselling of her own.

She is talking about a size 10 (?) person putting on weight or implying they're overweight. That is deeply unhealthy and mal adjusted.

She is also controlling her husband's diet (and presumably he'd not morbidly obese)

She also seems to have left her son somewhat weight & exercise fixated.

She sounds mentally unwell or stupid.

You need to recognise that, not let her ridiculous comments affect you like this.

My Mum sounds a little bit like her incidentally. She was from that - must stay slim, a woman's worth is her age and slimness/attractiveness.

She is now clipped and diverted by the PC movement not to make weight related comments any more; though she still manages a "she's a big girl and faud play to get, she doesn't care, it doesn't bother her" etc

In the past though, it was all weight related comments.

A combination of that plus extreme, sort of bullying behaviour (like pressuring my sister to stay in a relationship and engagement that she wanted out of) left that sister with an ED.

At the time (I was v young) I didn't just understand how serious EDs can be and the death rates involved, I am so thankful that my sister recovered (no thanks to my parents, they tried to make her eat big meaks under duress and sent her alone as a v young woman to a male "counsellor" who was useless(.

I'm going to be very blunt and say straight - she not the brightest in some ways. Hot the brightest and also not a sliver of a filter between a thought that passes through her brain and her mouth.

The correct response to ppl like that is wry eye rolling.

*I'm going to be very blunt and say straight - she not the brightest in some ways. Not the brightest and also not a sliver of a filter between a thought that passes through her brain and her mouth.

The correct response to ppl like that is wry eye rolling.

My Mum, I mean ..and I suspect your partner's Mum is similar.

Ateotd people who focus on and comment on weight (unless someone is dangerously overweight or underweight and it's out of concern) are generally boring, basic bitch fuckers ... Who don't have enough interest or intellect to focus on other things, and don't have enough tact to stfu.

Your DP has clearly never heard of the phrase:
"If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all".

It was a really shitty thing for him to do. He had absolutely no need to tell you, he knew it would upset you, yet he said it anyway. Not nice. Not nice at all.

FFS dont have kids with this man Imagine what they will say about pregnancy weight gain. Any MIL that does this does not deserve a grandchild from her DIL

@TheoTheopolis23 I think you’re right and she is mentally unwell. A few months ago her parents (DP’s grandparents) said she looked fat and it sent her into a frenzy of working out excessively every day. She definitely has her own issues. And she has a very dull life so I guess she has nothing else to think about.

Sorry to hear about your sister’s problems. It’s so difficult when your family aren’t helpful.

Fk just imagine his mother if op makes the mistake of having kids; she'll be one of these people who are commenting ok the weight of new mothers who are still returning to near their original shape (takes months) while trying to deal with the wonderful combo of feeds, sleep deprivation, colic, teething, viruses, hormonal shifts etc etc.

I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Obviously I don’t want her commenting on things like that if I have a child but I have a really good life with my DP and it’s one of the best relationships I’ve been in. I don’t want to end the relationship or not have kids because of his family. You can’t choose your family and it’s not his fault. This is why I’m planning to move away from them. I want to keep them at arms length.

So get own parents comment on her weight unnecessarily and call her fat?

Clearly there is some fucked up madness coming through this family, generation by generation.

And her response .... She definitely needs some help.

Just ignore her comments; she's clearly got major issues. She's not someone to take seriously or credit at all

Commenting on the weight of a size 10 woman FFS ...

Your reaction suggests you might need to keep at the counselling, or whatever helps you.

And yes I'm not remotely surprised to hear she's got nothing going on.

Distance and cast iron boundaries are all you can do if you have kids with your partner.

With him as well as her; because he's the one hearing and passing on her comments. He needs to be told that he's not to pass on any weight or looks comments his nother makes, ever.

She'll start on your kids too, you know.

The problem is, I suspect that this crazyness has been passed on to some extent to your partner (and it would be very difficult indeed to avoid it, being raised her her abd having her parents in the background).

His fixation on exercise etc. The fact he's passed these comments on. Did he seem affected (she commented on both of you, I'd that right?) .... It's going to be v hard for him to get out from under it. He probably needs counselling himself.

Btw thank you, you're very kind.

My sister, thankfully, has been fine since then. As I said I never realised the peril she was in with AN. I'm glad I was too young and ignorant to know.

My Mum was so filterless and silly that she could've cause me issues too ... I remember her hugging me after my sister and saying "oh you're so fat & solid" (compared to my sister). I was stable enough to eye roll, even as a teen. But I might not have been.
(I have been between a size 8 and 12, probably a small 10 then btw)

These people, honestly - they only have to open their mouth for some piece of idiocy to fall out.

@TheoTheopolis23 The grandparents are even worse than the mother. DP’s cousin brought his new girlfriend to visit them and they said ‘she is a nice girl but quite fat.’ It’s like they base the value of a person on this.

DP doesn’t react at all when she calls him fat. He just shrugs it off but I think it does affect him because he trains so much. At night I often notice him binge eating (lots of bread, jars of chocolate spread, biscuits etc.) It’s one of the reasons I want to get him to the UK. Away from all this.

They sound like the shallowest, most weight fixated people ever. I bet the woman
in question wasn't even really overweight.

They've clearly fucked their daughter's head up.

That's sad about your partner. He sounds like he needs counselling, and as a first step to recognise & acknowledge that his Mum (via his grandparents) have an unhealthy fixation on and habit of commenting on weight.

I wish he would attend counselling but he’s very opposed to it. He regards it as a weakness. He says that you should be able to control your thoughts and stop them controlling you or some BS. He would never admit having a problem.

It’s a difficult conversation because he views all this toxic behaviour as normal. He says it’s just people’s opinions. It’s so frustrating because he’s basically inside it at this point.

That worries me for yourself and your kids, to be honest.

He says it’s just people’s opinions

But they're unreasonable opinions.

They certainly are in you and your husband's case ; neither of you are underweight or overweight.... So they're unreasonable.

Worse than unreasonable, theyre offensive.

And in your case, if anyone knew you previously suffered from an ED (it sounds like they don't but he does) potentially destabilising and very inappropriate & irresponsible.

They are unreasonable, offensive and they have actually negatively affected you ... So they're not just people's opinions.

There is also the fact that people can have whatever opinions they like but it is a serious lack of tact and diplomacy and (in a way) respect to blab then.

Decent, well mannered, appropriate people keep those to themselves (unless there's genuinely a problem and they're really concerned, not the case here .... This is missing in this family as well.

You don't just have a potential in laws problem, you have a bit of a partner problem.

Given he's so entrenched and somewhat truculent.

How do you know what the grandparents said- did DP translate for you again?

Why the differing attitude to their identical behaviour?

MILs response to family member calling her fat makes her mentally unwell and having a dull life, your DPs makes him health conscious?

(and your reaction to someone suggesting you’d both gained weight on holiday - and requesting you not be told about the comment - was to restrict your food, which DP could’ve predicted- but she’s the only toxic one?)

None of you appear to have a healthy attitude to weight/ food, and I don’t think that DPs motivations for telling you are unrelated to that.

You’ve clearly done work to help yourself, but I can’t see a scenario where your DP’s issues won’t cause a problem for you. (He’s already trying to get you to exercise more and, unnecessarily, reporting comments he knows will be triggering for you)

“He is very fitness obsessed (probably due to his family) and works out every day. I work out with him but not for every session. He’s always advising me to be consistent with exercise, to make a plan etc but only because it improves my mental health. He always says it’s not about weight loss.”

“I think you’re right and she is mentally unwell. A few months ago her parents (DP’s grandparents) said she looked fat and it sent her into a frenzy of working out excessively every day. She definitely has her own issues. And she has a very dull life so I guess she has nothing else to think about.”

he views all this toxic behaviour as normal.

This is a problem op.

Are you in a rush to have kids (if this cannot be resolved soon?)

*He’s always advising me to be consistent with exercise, to make a plan etc but only because it improves my mental health. He always says it’s not about weight loss.”

I wish he would attend counselling but he’s very opposed to it. He regards it as a weakness. He says that you should be able to control your thoughts and stop them controlling you or some BS*

He sounds a bit like those zealous, over simplifying, macho, driven sorts - who are actually a bit of a pita as a partner, and a potentially stressful/damaging parent.

I also find they can lose the plot on the right circumstances - everything is too black and white. They too hard on themselves and other people. Theyre not really well adjusted.

@RelapsedChocoholic Yes DP told me what the grandparents said. I wasn’t there when this happened. Even if I was, I don’t yet speak the language fluently (still learning).

@TheoTheopolis23 I wouldn’t say we are in a rush but I don’t have masses of time left as I’m mid 30s now. I don’t feel ready at the moment and I’d rather be married before kids.

I think I need to speak to my DP about all these issues but it’s difficult and he often gets offended. When I was trying to explain that my mother wouldn’t say things like that, he started going on about how I think my family is perfect etc. Very defensive.

If you are a size 10 then her comment was likely less about what you looked like and more about seeing the both of you enjoying your food. For someone weight obsessed they just cannot stand seeing someone enjoy their food - you have to eat like sparrows around them which is just bullshit.

But you won't change her - and the current politically correct climate where we are supposed to embrace weight will not make an iota of different to that family's attitude.

You need distance from them, quite literal distance - move to the UK! That is the only way your relationship will survive. Oh, and don't stay with them if you visit their country. Book alternative accommodation so she can't watch every single meal you eat.