DP’s mum commenting on my weight

[troubledandconfused]

I am feeling a bit upset and confused after being told about something my DP’s mum said about me. I’ll start by saying that we’ve always had a nice enough relationship. We go over to her house for dinner with his parents about once a month. They live abroad and are from a European country so there is a language barrier and DP translates. I’ve known his mum for about 2 years.

We went there on Friday night for the first time in a while, as we’ve been away on holiday. It all seemed OK and they were their usual selves.

Yesterday DP told me that he was on the phone to his mum and she said that both me and DP had gained weight on the holiday and are fatter. She told him not to tell me but obviously he did. Apparently he told her it’s not her business to comment on other people’s weight but she said she has the right to have her opinion.

I was shocked at the rudeness of this and also because it’s not true. I’m a size 10 and not fat. It’s bothered me a lot because I had an eating disorder in the past and have had therapy to deal with issues with food and body image.

Her comment has brought a lot of old feelings back. I’m angry that she felt she had the right to comment on my weight, and behind my back too. I thought I looked nice that evening and now I keep thinking of the dress I wore and wonder if she was thinking about how I looked fat the whole time. :(

It caused a row between me and DP because his whole family, including the grandparents, have form for this kind of thing and I don’t feel he stands up to them enough for it. They often criticise other family members for being fat or overweight and his sister even had surgery because of comments they made about her breasts after pregnancy. They constantly tell him he needs to lose weight (he doesn’t, he is into fitness and works out daily.) They are quite toxic but I never thought they’d start on me. It doesn’t help that he tells her a lot about us, including exaggerating that I have a sweet tooth etc.

It’s put me in a difficult position. I can’t say anything to her because she doesn’t speak English. I don’t want to go to her house again and I now feel uncomfortable eating with her. DP says I shouldn’t care and it’s a cultural thing and everyone talks about people behind their backs, but it’s upset me and affected my relationship with her. What else does she say about me without me knowing? Not sure what to do about it because we are planning to get married and I feel gutted this has happened. It’s knocked my confidence.

"No they're not perfect but they don't make unnecessary and I appropriate comments about people's weight".

He sounds like hard work op.

Tbh I worry about you hitching your wagon to this guy and having kids with him.

Hes defending his toxic family by attacking yours. Refusing to acknowledge what they do is inappropriate.

I don't like that.

The "it's just opinions, they're entitled to opinions" etc.

People like this though don't like it if the shoes on the other foot .... You say something shallow or negative about then and see how they react, bdt you'd be ex communicated. It's ok if they're giving it out, not taking it.

Why don't you have a chat with your partner and explain him how it affected you and how you would prefer him to handle situations like this in the future? I wouldn't worry or care too much about what his family member say, it's about you knowing whether you lead a healthy lifestyle.

Oh and I also find that the 'eitk out regularly to stay healthy and for your mental health" is a bit of a BS smoke screen from people (often men!) who want their partner to stay a certain size; but know it's non PC to say that straight.

So the health/MH card is rolled out.

You’re right about him being quite macho. He’s very much the ‘men can’t show emotion’ type, which I’m constantly fighting against. That was drummed into him by his biological dad (they are now NC).

I think he has been a bit brainwashed by his family. In other ways, he’s a very good partner. With me he’s always generous, thoughtful, plans surprises for me that he knows I’d like, he is respectful, never messes me around or looks at other women, he’s attractive and makes me happy (apart from this stupid family toxicity that has recently emerged.)

I know he’s always been into fitness but he is balanced too. He’ll occasionally eat McDonald’s with me, go to restaurants, have dessert. He’s not super restrictive.

I am annoyed with him for attacking my family. It’s like he can’t cope with being told the truth, even though he himself acknowledges that his mother is difficult. Obviously they weren’t NC for no reason.

I feel like I am strong and wouldn’t let any of this affect my future kids. Especially when we move to the UK.

You shouldn't have to be strong in a loving relationship. If I was your friend I'd be concerned that he is undermining your relationships with other people.

Op, I really honestly don't mean this in an unkind way, but I tend if being "strong", this was your reaction to him telling you what his mad mother said about you;

I have been feeling a bit depressed since I found out what she said. I’ve started going back to my old restrictive eating mindset and thinking about the calories in everything. It’s really shit because I was happy before this. Feel like crying.

And that's from your partner's mum, not fron your partner; with whom you're emotionally involved and would be increasingly invested with.

He doesn't see it as wrong.

He doesn't even see he shouldn't pass it onto you.

He deflects by attacking your family when you try to highlight it.

By the time you have kids, it'll be too late. Even if you try to be "strong" and not have it affect them, it still will. If you were to split, you'll not even be there to prevent it.

Above all you shouldn't have to be "strong" to protect yourself and your kids from toxic, unhealthy behaviour from your partner and his parents.

It's like saying, I know this boat has a leak - but I'm going to hold a patch over it and I'm string enough to do that.

No you just don't take a leaky boat out on the water, or you get it properly, very well fixed (with the caveat that tmit might not be fixable). You can't spend your life being "strong" against your partner and his family, you shouldn't have to be.

I appreciate he has good qualities too, but something potentially major like this weighs the scales a lot.

You could find somebody with good qualities who doesn't have these issues. Where you don't have to steel yourself to be a bulwark against this mal function ok an ongoing basis.

I wish he would attend counselling but he’s very opposed to it. He regards it as a weakness. He says that you should be able to control your thoughts and stop them controlling you or some BS.

Does this apply to you too?
Will this apply to any kids?
Will it only apply to male kids?

This attitude is worrying.

It's old-school macho BS.

DP says I shouldn’t care and it’s a cultural thing and everyone talks about people behind their backs

It's natural and normal to get affected by people, especially your partner's family & prospective in laws, making personal comments about your appearance and weight (especially when they're unreasonable).

It's a cultural thing - every single person from his country comments repeatedly on their kids, kids' partners etc weight, tells them to lose weight when they're not overweight, and criticises their female children's post child breasts to the point that she is driven to surgery (great idea, going under anesthesia unnecessarily when you are responsible for kids)??
That would be a very interesting country indeed. Bull fkg shite.

Everybody talks about people behind their backs .... Why didn't he leave it behind your back then??

Why did he need to repeat it to you, esp. given you're not overweight, and esp. given you have previously had a fkg ED.

They are quite toxic but I never thought they’d start on me

Why not?
They tell him he's overweight and needs to lose well for when you say he isn't/doesn't.
They've commented negatively on the weight of another relative's gf (nice girl but shes fat)
They clearly don't reserve it for just their kids, so why wouldn't they start on you?
Did you think being a size 10 would stop them .... He isn't overweight and they call him overweight so why would they change their "fat glasse" for you?

It doesn’t help that he tells her a lot about us, including exaggerating that I have a sweet tooth etc.

Did you say he's been NC with her/them in the past?
He knows they're toxic but tells her a lot about you.
He knows she's obsessively fixated on weight but not only tells her but exaggerates about your intake of sweet food.

As I said, you don't just have an in law problem, you have a partner problem.

It has occurred to me what all this is about - feeling superior, feeling higher on the hierarchy by criticising people and (you believe) making them feel inadequate, not good enough, anxious, not on an even keel etc. Feeling like you can control them and have an impact on them. That is demonstrated by them exercising and dieting and watching their calories etc

This is about control and dominance, and it's actually abusive.

In spite of your partner claiming it doesn't affect him, he doesn't care, you're over sensitive and blah blah; he dies care, it does affect him, he does dance to their tune ...... The exercise regime, the watching his weight, the reporting back to them, the deflection. Onto other people (you) of bad habits and bad behaviour, to make himself look.good in comparison and try to win their approval. Dobbing you in like the school teachers pet/creep.

They've even had you watching your calories and feeling bad; which is exactly what they wanted, it makes them feel dominant, in control, and top of the hierarchy.

I'm not sure wtf you could ever do to deal with this fa mily dynamic, they're a bunch of abusers and they use weight, food, appearance to abuse. The sister with the breast surgery is a perfect and v sad example.

I dont understand why he bothered to say anything to you.

His mum made a remark, maybe it was innocent, more so just saying it as an observation. Or she was being an arse. Who knows. But this isn't something he should be repeating to you given your history.

Him telling you translates as him wanting you to do something about it, In my opinion. Literally no other reason to tell you.

Imagine what she will be like if you have children with him.

It’s like you’re trying to convince yourself that all is ok with your relationship and DP

When in actual fact you see what, on the basis you’ve posted, many of us on this thread see. This is not a healthy relationship and the future with him and this family will not be happy. Prepare to be starting many a mumsnet thread op in the future

Just to update, I sat down with DP and discussed this. He told me something else she’d said about me: ‘it’s a shame because she has a beautiful face but she needs to go to the gym to fix her body.’ I was lost for words. Then I told him that I want to bring the move to the UK forward and that he’s not to tell me anything she says about me again. I have accepted that there is something wrong with her mentally and I can’t change her so I choose to withdraw and move forward with my life without her toxic opinions.

Did he volunteer this new information spontaneously or did you have to wheedle it out of him?

I asked him directly if she had ever said anything before about my weight or if that was the first time. He said no but recently she had said these two things. The comment in my OP and this.

If the UK is where you are from, and he is currently prepared to move there, it seems a good idea.

Yes I’m from the UK but he isn’t. He is willing to move and has been researching jobs and discussing areas to live. It was always the plan to come back eventually but recently I’ve been feeling like I can’t stay here much longer with the way his family are behaving.

OP IMO staying in this relationship will wreck your mental health.

It’s not my partner doing this though, it’s his mother/ family. He’s always saying positive things about me and he’s said that in the future his family won’t be a big part of our lives.

You like a project. We all have to make our own mistakes. Still better to be in your own country, though as you don't want to get "stuck" abroad in another country you have issues with, unable to move because the children have their permanent residence there and you aren't allowed to move them without their dad's consent.

In no circumstances have children abroad with him, check the Hague treaty, but this depends on the country he's from. Turkey?

@troubledandconfused I think hes too indoctrinated by his family IMO And once you are pregnant (assuming you are planning kids) he could well change his mind. Of course you know him We dont
But if it were me........my mental health is too important to take the risk

could it be cultural differences? I have some family living abroad and what I would consider to be VERY rude, they consider to be just a "commenting on facts"

it's annoying, but if the comments were not intended for you (so not aimed at hurting you), and your DH shut his mum's criticism down immediately, then probably made her feel awkward by telling you (good on him for that!) then there isn't much more anyone can do