DP’s mum commenting on my weight

[troubledandconfused]

I am feeling a bit upset and confused after being told about something my DP’s mum said about me. I’ll start by saying that we’ve always had a nice enough relationship. We go over to her house for dinner with his parents about once a month. They live abroad and are from a European country so there is a language barrier and DP translates. I’ve known his mum for about 2 years.

We went there on Friday night for the first time in a while, as we’ve been away on holiday. It all seemed OK and they were their usual selves.

Yesterday DP told me that he was on the phone to his mum and she said that both me and DP had gained weight on the holiday and are fatter. She told him not to tell me but obviously he did. Apparently he told her it’s not her business to comment on other people’s weight but she said she has the right to have her opinion.

I was shocked at the rudeness of this and also because it’s not true. I’m a size 10 and not fat. It’s bothered me a lot because I had an eating disorder in the past and have had therapy to deal with issues with food and body image.

Her comment has brought a lot of old feelings back. I’m angry that she felt she had the right to comment on my weight, and behind my back too. I thought I looked nice that evening and now I keep thinking of the dress I wore and wonder if she was thinking about how I looked fat the whole time. :(

It caused a row between me and DP because his whole family, including the grandparents, have form for this kind of thing and I don’t feel he stands up to them enough for it. They often criticise other family members for being fat or overweight and his sister even had surgery because of comments they made about her breasts after pregnancy. They constantly tell him he needs to lose weight (he doesn’t, he is into fitness and works out daily.) They are quite toxic but I never thought they’d start on me. It doesn’t help that he tells her a lot about us, including exaggerating that I have a sweet tooth etc.

It’s put me in a difficult position. I can’t say anything to her because she doesn’t speak English. I don’t want to go to her house again and I now feel uncomfortable eating with her. DP says I shouldn’t care and it’s a cultural thing and everyone talks about people behind their backs, but it’s upset me and affected my relationship with her. What else does she say about me without me knowing? Not sure what to do about it because we are planning to get married and I feel gutted this has happened. It’s knocked my confidence.

Of course cultural differences are involved; that's inevitable. But when you're in a relationship with someone from another culture, you can't just say "Don't like it? Bad luck, it's our culture". The difference goes both ways. You have to be considerate and understanding towards your partner; talk to them about the differences and allow for the fact that they might sometimes be unhappy. Your family hasn't chosen this relationship, so it's different for them - but every set of in-laws has to adjust to some extent and respect differences, and the two partners have to act as a buffer, and help set boundaries.

sorry, this is not what i meant. I would absolutely still advocate for dear mother to be told to f-off and focus on herself.

i meant it more in a way that she probably wasn't saying these comments to be malicious and they were not intended to be harmful

so i think telling his mother off on the spot was a right course of action. but i dont think there is a point in dwelling on what she said. just keep telling her off until she learns to not comment on OP's weight

Yes, like others I don't think the mother is the real problem.

If we have children, I’ve been clear that I want to give birth in the UK and for the family home to be in the UK. He is happy with this as he says the lifestyle/ opportunities and schools are better in the UK. I don’t think he’d take my children from me if we ever split up.

Yes there are cultural differences but there is a point when you have to realise you’re being rude and that your opinion isn’t wanted. She doesn’t know that I know what she said and my partner is worried it’ll cause an argument between them if she finds out he told me. He has asked me not to cause a drama by confronting her so I’ll just let it go and distance myself.

He is already choosing your future MIL over you.

Bin him and find someone who is considerate enough not to repeat tactless, unwanted remarks.

you'd be suprised by what some people consider to be "just commenting" and not rude at all...for example, i know a lot of people who dont think they're being rude if they say things behind someone's back.

my family is from very gossipy culture, anything and anyone can be a focus and target of the remarks, and even direct comment to someone's face are not always seen as rude

i always argue with them, and ive seen some progress...but it often means I need to speak in a way that I probably shouldn't speak to my family 🙄

some of the things my immediate family or friends commented about
-the size of my thighs
-my weight
-things I will need to do to "do something" about my post pregnancy "cracked" and "flabby" stomach (im still pregnant, btw! and nothing has cracked yet)
-what I wear

and these are the things I've had said to my face

there is also a long list of things said about other people to me in a way that your mother in law commented about you to your partner

and to be fair, i have a similar attitude to your partner. I tell people off on the spot, but then leave it be until they forget the telling off and say something stupid again

If we have children,
I'd be doubling up on contraception
I’ve been clear that I want to give birth in the UK and for the family home to be in the UK. He is happy with this
He will be until he thinks it's going to happen.
I don’t think he’d take my children from me if we ever split up.
I didn't think my XP would beat me up until he did.

I don’t think he’d take my children from me if we ever split up.
And I'm sure you wouldn't take his children from him, right? You'd stay in his country with him, if that's where they lived.
That's what I did. Kids are adults and we're long divorced. I'm still in his country.
This is what I'm warning you about.

I could hazard a damn good guess at the country, but won't as you are obviously trying to avoid outing yourself.

We lived in an EU country for a short time and considered moving there permanently before Brexit took hold, but one of the things that really put me off was how bloody blunt the people were. There was no holding back if an outfit didn't suit, or they didn't approve of your lifestyle. It never seemed to be said to upset, but there was more of an attitude that the British are falsely modest and not honest in their assessments. They were also more likely to say if they felt they were good at something.

It does make me wonder if your in laws aren't toxic and it is just cultural. Although if your MiL is saying things that aren't true, then that's different, is she ridiculously thin herself?

@ItStopsHere This does sound a lot like his country! There is a belief here that the British are too polite to say their true feelings and too politically correct to express an opinion. It can become very tiring.

@80s I have no desire to have children or bring them up here. That’s important to me.

Sounds like the country where I've lved the last 33 years. He's still a dick for passing on these comments knowing you had an eating disorder.

Your partner is a shit stirrer, and you know it.

Has your partner ever bothered to tell you the pleasant and positive things that they have said about you?

Is it a factual observation that you have gained weight? Prior to this experience, you seemingly had a positive relationship with them.

I think many mothers might say in confidence to there son " your girlfriend has gained some weight " much in the same way that they might say " your girlfriend's hair seems to be much longer. " Not every observation is meant to be critical or offensive. Sometimes an observation is just an observation. Perhaps, she may have thought that some pregnancy news was forth coming.

Your partner's mother could have no malicious intent. I don't think that the same thing is necessarily true of your partner. Given his obsession with fitness, he could possibly be expressing his thoughts and attributing them to his mother. You do not speak the language, so you have only his word that she made those statements. A loving partner would probably not shared a confidence that he knew would upset you. He was not trying to accomplish anything positive by sharing this information with you.

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