DP’s mum commenting on my weight

[troubledandconfused]

I am feeling a bit upset and confused after being told about something my DP’s mum said about me. I’ll start by saying that we’ve always had a nice enough relationship. We go over to her house for dinner with his parents about once a month. They live abroad and are from a European country so there is a language barrier and DP translates. I’ve known his mum for about 2 years.

We went there on Friday night for the first time in a while, as we’ve been away on holiday. It all seemed OK and they were their usual selves.

Yesterday DP told me that he was on the phone to his mum and she said that both me and DP had gained weight on the holiday and are fatter. She told him not to tell me but obviously he did. Apparently he told her it’s not her business to comment on other people’s weight but she said she has the right to have her opinion.

I was shocked at the rudeness of this and also because it’s not true. I’m a size 10 and not fat. It’s bothered me a lot because I had an eating disorder in the past and have had therapy to deal with issues with food and body image.

Her comment has brought a lot of old feelings back. I’m angry that she felt she had the right to comment on my weight, and behind my back too. I thought I looked nice that evening and now I keep thinking of the dress I wore and wonder if she was thinking about how I looked fat the whole time. :(

It caused a row between me and DP because his whole family, including the grandparents, have form for this kind of thing and I don’t feel he stands up to them enough for it. They often criticise other family members for being fat or overweight and his sister even had surgery because of comments they made about her breasts after pregnancy. They constantly tell him he needs to lose weight (he doesn’t, he is into fitness and works out daily.) They are quite toxic but I never thought they’d start on me. It doesn’t help that he tells her a lot about us, including exaggerating that I have a sweet tooth etc.

It’s put me in a difficult position. I can’t say anything to her because she doesn’t speak English. I don’t want to go to her house again and I now feel uncomfortable eating with her. DP says I shouldn’t care and it’s a cultural thing and everyone talks about people behind their backs, but it’s upset me and affected my relationship with her. What else does she say about me without me knowing? Not sure what to do about it because we are planning to get married and I feel gutted this has happened. It’s knocked my confidence.

Why is his family allowed to be unpleasant about you but you're not allowed to object, OP? why isn't he defending you? and why exactly does he have this need to pass on to you what they say instead of telling them to knock it off about the woman he loves?

I’d react exactly as you have op, I also have a history of eating disorders and hate comments on my appearance, good or bad. But I have Japanese and Portuguese friends where this type of comment is so common in their families. Still not ok, but especially the older generations give their opinion about EVERYTHING, and weight seems a favourite one to comment on

It was inevitable they were going to start on you at some point. People use other people weight as a means of control and to big themselves up, it’s not a cultural accepted practice and it says far more about them. It’s an abusive practice that happens within some families throughout the world no matter where they are from.

Id be ditching this man along with his toxic family. Marriage to him is not going to change the overall toxic nature of his family and his parts in it however.

I just find it so unnecessary and cruel. Even if somebody is overweight, so what? There is so much more about a person than their weight. It’s not their place to comment.

DP said she has no right to say it but it’s her opinion and he can’t control that. I find this very weak because if my mum was criticising him like that, I’d completely shut it down. But he has a different type of relationship with his mum.

I will admit that she is controlling, especially of her family. She has recently taken control of her husband’s diet like he’s a child. My DP moved out at a young age because of this type of behaviour. Once they were non contact for a year. So it’s a complex situation.

Do you Jack in your job, friends and family to move abroad with him?

Some people do not understand what is acceptable to say and what is not, but any comment on someone’s appearance like this is unacceptable.

I second this

Controlling behaviour is at its heart abusive behaviour and abuse is no respecter of persons.

Your partner needs to ultimately resume a no contact position with his mother. I would not continue the relationship because he is on some level afraid to rock the boat, preferring instead to be a boat steadier with you acting the same. Marriage is not going to improve relations.

To be honest, she said what she said - maybe she's not a nice person but you can choose to let it bother you or not. Is it worth wasting time dwelling on it?

Shoot the messenger.
You only have his word that she said it. If she did, then your DP is as rude as his DM

I think he was wrong to tell you this. Given your history it's not the same as telling you she doesn't like your hair cut for example.

He didn't have to tell you. He said it shouldn't matter, and you know her opinion isn't rational or fair. So why did he tell you? If he knows you've had an ED then he is either really stupid or really thoughtless to have passed this on to you. There was literally nothing you could do with that information other than be upset by it. Or ignore it. And given your past ED, he should have realised the risk of you being affected by it.

So, your MIL has form for this stuff. She isn't being fair or rational. Decide to ignore her stupid judegemental opiniosn in future.

Your DP however - I'd be rethinking him.

DP said she has no right to say it but it’s her opinion and he can’t control that. I find this very weak because if my mum was criticising him like that, I’d completely shut it down. But he has a different type of relationship with his mum.

Or he agrees with her.

In fact, how do you know she even said it?

There's something really not right about a man tittle tattling back to his partner about what his mum said, especially when it's about his partner's body.

Are you moving closer or further away from them?

I'd stop visiting. If they ask why, let him explain. Just disengage really.

I hope he doesn’t agree. I don’t get any indication that he does. He’s never ever commented on my weight so I doubt it.

@toomuchlaundry We are moving further away from them. To a different country.

Ok well there's something behind why a man would tell his partner who has a history of ED, what his mum said.

Especially when he knows how you'd react to it and whatever's behind it, is more of a problem than his mum's random musings.

In my experience mothers are extremely talented in sticking the needle in. She was probably saying to him he had put on weight and to soften it (for him) included you in that too. And do you never say anything about anyone yourself? Like 'gosh Mary's haircut is not at all flattering'? It's on the same level. Your eating disorder is more relevant to his telling you than her saying it - he had no reason to tell you other than to make you feel bad, which you do.

Mils do this all the time, please ignore the throwaway comment, it is not worth souring relations over,do not take personally

@troubledandconfused
People will think many things about you and not share them with you. It is possible to have gained weight and still looked nice.

I don't think it was inappropriate or hypocritical of her to have shared an observation or concern with her son. She asked him o keep it in confidence and clearly he did not.

Perhaps, he told you because he shares her belief, and he was only willing to say it because he could make his mother the culprit in this situation.

If your boyfriend can't be trusted to keep a confidence, that would be much more concerning than his mother's observation about a weight fluctuation.

Obviously, his mother cared enough about your feelings to not want you to know about her observations.

Thinking or saying that you have gained weight is not talking about you behind your back. Given that the 2 of you don't speak the same language, neither of you ever knows what the other is saying to or about you.

The betrayal in this situation comes not from the mother but from your partner. .

What is wrong with your husband? In what world do tell you wife who has a history of ED that someone has said she has put on weight?
Honestly, I'd be deeply suspicious of his motives if I were you. Either he's trying to sour your relationship with his mum, or your takeaway was meant to be how assertive and brilliant he was to challenge her. Either way he didn't have your interests at heart in the least.

Sorry, just noticed he's not your DH. I'd think about keeping it that way if I were you.

some people (some nationalities) are different about weight and aren’t as sensitive and just say things as they see them. Appreciate you have a history of an eating disorder so really not nice for you to hear this (especially if not true) but my ex’s mother was like this, I tried not to take it to heart. She was just very blunt. I’m not, but generally what she said was true. It was more often that I looked too thin (I have a chronic illness) or looked awful. She meant well.

It’s difficult to believe my DP had a bad motive. I love him and I don’t think he meant to be malicious. I’m the sort of person that likes to know what is going on so maybe that’s why he said it. As I mentioned before, he often over shares and tells me what his parents say about everyone, including himself.

He is very fitness obsessed (probably due to his family) and works out every day. I work out with him but not for every session. He’s always advising me to be consistent with exercise, to make a plan etc but only because it improves my mental health. He always says it’s not about weight loss.

He isn’t talking to his mother now because of all this. I think we are both tired of these type of comments.

I'm sorry OP, but no one with any emotional intelligence whatsoever would have passed that comment on to you. No one.
Are you comfortable with him advising you how to excercise? Have you asked for this, or has he taken it upon himself to advise you?