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Original poster

At A Crossroad In My Relationship - Need Advice

143 replies

ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 11:26

Hi All

Looking for some thoughts on my situation.
Im a divorced woman in her late 40s. I have two teens, a son turning 19 and a daughter almost 15. I’ve been seeing someone for nearly a year now and we have had a great time and grown close.
Hes a few years older and has a son who is in his late 20s lives away from home.
There has never been talk of moving in together and that is possibly the easiest with me having two teens.
We dated about 6 months before I introduced him to my kids as I didn’t want to freak them out being the first relationship I’ve had since my divorce.
Anyway, fast forward some months and I’m wondering if I should end the relationship even though I’ve fallen in love with him.
He comes over but I haven’t had him stay overnight. I will stay a night by him if my daughter is with a friend on the weekend. This is not just about wanting my kids to feel comfortable but the issue now is my guy doesn’t want my kids at his place. He says they’re not his children and he has raised a child and doesn’t want to deal with teenagers again.
I know my kids aren’t little and they’re pretty independent but it’s really upsetting me having to do things separately. My kids have a dad in their life so they don’t need another male figure but I feel he should make some effort if he wants a future with me. My children are my priority and my daughter often makes comments about my bf not seeming interested in her or her brother.
i don’t expect him to agree to living together and don’t need his help with my teens but I don’t see it working out if he has practically no interest in them.

OP posts:
Thisisnotmyname2022 · 23/07/2023 11:37

It’s a no from me. Yes. He may have done teenage years, you are still doing them. He needs to accept that.

pinkyredrose · 23/07/2023 11:41

Sorry if I've missed it but why would your kids need to be at his place?

I can see his point, you and him are dating, there's no need for your kids to be involved and they're old enough to not need babysitting.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2023 11:42

He's being honest and clear. He doesn't want your kids in his life, which is his right. You want different things, therefore you are incompatible. Time to end it.

Fidgety31 · 23/07/2023 11:42

I’m not sure why your 14 and 18yr old kids would need to be at his place anyway ? I doubt they’d have any interest in going there .

But aside from that- your boyfriend isn’t interested in them either . He should at least chat to them , offer to include the older one on a night out ?

i don’t think it’s worth pursuing . He wants someone with no kids / adult kids

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 23/07/2023 11:45

He should be interested in your dc as people.. He isn't.
They must feel pretty miffed.
I had adult dc when I met dh. He felt privileged to be invited into their lives.
I also had young dc. He is more than fab with them. His choice. Never a burden.
Or he wouldn't be in our lives. Separate lives like he wants will be tedious long term op. You will absolutely be pulled on 2 directions. When your dc must come first. He isn't for you.
He sounds very selfish.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2023 11:46

He should at least chat to them , offer to include the older one on a night out?

Why on earth should he do that?

Original poster
ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 11:48

My son is older and has his licence and a good social life so he’s hardly ever home. My daughter only just turned 15. My bf doesn’t like coming to my place and prefers me to visit his place and just be the two of us. He doesn’t want my daughter at his place. I realise she’s not 5. She doesn’t need a babysitter but she’s being left at home a lot when I visit him and she is sensing the rejection

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 23/07/2023 11:49

Does your daughter expect to sit with you both when he comes over?

category12 · 23/07/2023 11:52

He wants something very compartmentalised.

Perhaps not living together is fine and best all round for everyone right now, but I wouldn't see this relationship having legs if he's like this and your long-term ambition is to live together when they're adults? I will always want my home to be somewhere my children (and eventually grandchildren) will feel welcome in and somewhere they can come back to if they need to - I can't see a man like this being amenable to that.

NotBotheredAnymore · 23/07/2023 11:55

He doesn’t want my daughter at his place.
Why would he want someone else's child in his house? Most teenagers prefer staying at home with their phone or games and not being dragged around anyway.

Shes being left at home a lot when I visit him and she is sensing the rejection.
Shes sensing YOUR rejection, not his, but she can't actually tell you that. He needs to come to your house more.

It's a you problem, not a DP problem.

Luucylu · 23/07/2023 11:56

As a PP has said, he should take an interest in them as people, just like I’d expect him to take an interest in your close friends and family members and make an effort with anyone who is important to you.

Original poster
ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 11:58

Not at all. She’s in her room a lot. She doesn’t get in the way. My son is barely at home. My bf just wants me. My daughter needs me sometimes as she doesn’t drive yet, not old enough and he gets annoyed when my parental duties cut into time he wants with me. He says I can move in with him when my kids are out the house so he’s already made comments that as soon as my daughter finishes school I must tell her to move out so I can move in with him. He also says my son should start thinking of moving out. It’s like he’s resenting the fact I have children.

OP posts:
category12 · 23/07/2023 11:59

ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 11:58

Not at all. She’s in her room a lot. She doesn’t get in the way. My son is barely at home. My bf just wants me. My daughter needs me sometimes as she doesn’t drive yet, not old enough and he gets annoyed when my parental duties cut into time he wants with me. He says I can move in with him when my kids are out the house so he’s already made comments that as soon as my daughter finishes school I must tell her to move out so I can move in with him. He also says my son should start thinking of moving out. It’s like he’s resenting the fact I have children.

I'd dump his arse flat.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2023 12:02

If your daughter is feeling rejected, that's due to your choices. You are choosing to leave her at home and go to your boyfriend's.

He doesn't want your kids in his life. Fair enough. That means the relationship needs to end. This really isn't difficult.

category12 · 23/07/2023 12:03

I mean, how is this even a question - he's pushing for you to kick out your children. He has no interest in them and sees them a nuisance and inconvenience.

He will put a wedge into your relationship with them and ruin it.

You've known him a year. Dump the fucker already.

Original poster
ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 12:08

Like I’m saying - I do not need help with my teens and they don’t need a step dad and they’re older and quite self sufficient.
But if a bf or gf has zero interest in other party’s children and seems to dislike them - is it best to walk away because I’ll have to always keep my children separate to him. What about one day when they have kids of their own and I want my grandkids over

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2023 12:11

ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 12:08

Like I’m saying - I do not need help with my teens and they don’t need a step dad and they’re older and quite self sufficient.
But if a bf or gf has zero interest in other party’s children and seems to dislike them - is it best to walk away because I’ll have to always keep my children separate to him. What about one day when they have kids of their own and I want my grandkids over

Why are you still asking? What is it that you're not understanding? He doesn't want anything to do with your kids. End of. Take it or leave it.

Original poster
ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 12:13

This is exactly why I’ve put up this post. Some people would say oh well your kids are older and independent so what’s the problem. But - if he is showing disregard for them, it’s a red flag to me. Initially he just didn’t seem interested in talking to them etc which they didn’t mind as they’re teens and not bothered with a 54 year old man. But in past 3 months he’s showing signs they’re an impediment to him. I’ve spoken with him about this and he doesn’t see he’s wrong. I have felt strongly lately I must end this

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2023 12:22

The fact that your daughter is feeling rejected should be the only red flag you need.

But in past 3 months he’s showing signs they’re an impediment to him. I’ve spoken with him about this and he doesn’t see he’s wrong.

He's not wrong. This is how he feels and he's completely entitled to feel that way. He is under no obligation to have other people's kids in his life. He doesn't want that. You are the one who has chosen to accept this up until this point.

Original poster
ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 12:26

He does not have to have my kids at his house. My daughter wouldn’t be interested going to his place. She’s 15.
All I’m trying to decide is to give up on this relationship because it’s pulling me away from my daughter. Children are priority. It’s not easy to close the door on a relationship but I never want my daughter feeling second place.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2023 12:28

All I’m trying to decide is to give up on this relationship because it’s pulling me away from my daughter.

How is this even a decision you need to think about?

Original poster
ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 12:46

A couple of friends have said to me that my daughter has gotten too used to me being single and having my undivided attention. She will soon grow up and have a life independent of me and I must think of my future. My priority is to my children.
Right from the start my bf knew I have kids and I never talked about being a blended family or anything. I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to all live together. But I did expect and hope he would realise I’m a mother and cannot be pulled away from them whenever expected

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 23/07/2023 12:53

If you move in with him- what happens when your adult kids wants to come and visit or if they want to spend Christmas with you etc

Doesnt sound like they would ever be welcome

Original poster
ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 12:58

This is exactly what I worry about and have expressed my views to him. He says he won’t ever stop me seeing them but that’s not the same as accepting them

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 23/07/2023 13:00

he gets annoyed when my parental duties cut into time he wants with me

Anyone that obviously disliked my children would be no friend of mine.

End it, he sounds vile. No question.

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