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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

At A Crossroad In My Relationship - Need Advice

143 replies

ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 11:26

Hi All

Looking for some thoughts on my situation.
Im a divorced woman in her late 40s. I have two teens, a son turning 19 and a daughter almost 15. I’ve been seeing someone for nearly a year now and we have had a great time and grown close.
Hes a few years older and has a son who is in his late 20s lives away from home.
There has never been talk of moving in together and that is possibly the easiest with me having two teens.
We dated about 6 months before I introduced him to my kids as I didn’t want to freak them out being the first relationship I’ve had since my divorce.
Anyway, fast forward some months and I’m wondering if I should end the relationship even though I’ve fallen in love with him.
He comes over but I haven’t had him stay overnight. I will stay a night by him if my daughter is with a friend on the weekend. This is not just about wanting my kids to feel comfortable but the issue now is my guy doesn’t want my kids at his place. He says they’re not his children and he has raised a child and doesn’t want to deal with teenagers again.
I know my kids aren’t little and they’re pretty independent but it’s really upsetting me having to do things separately. My kids have a dad in their life so they don’t need another male figure but I feel he should make some effort if he wants a future with me. My children are my priority and my daughter often makes comments about my bf not seeming interested in her or her brother.
i don’t expect him to agree to living together and don’t need his help with my teens but I don’t see it working out if he has practically no interest in them.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 24/07/2023 12:01

He says that he’s looking out for me because I’ve worn the brunt of raising the kids for past 8 years since divorce, and it’s time I think of myself

I'm hearing the alarm bells of coercive control here. First he wants rid of your children. Then he doesn't like your relatives. Then you're spending too much time seeing your mates. Then you don't need to go to work, he'll support you.

And who the hell asked him to look out for you anyway? you're a grown woman, you can do that for yourself, thanks. Bleeding cheek.

Original poster
ShazS76 · 24/07/2023 12:26

I understand your concerns. You’re probably spot on as he already dislikes the friends he’s met of mine. He would never support me though. He’s always telling me once I’m no longer supporting my children, I can get a second job and work as much hours possible to get ahead

OP posts:
Tresto · 24/07/2023 12:33

Shaz the more you say about him the worse he sounds. Self obsessed, money orientated, not interested in your kids or friends. Second jobs - it’s none of his business you don’t live together! Expect him to hoover you back in when you dump him.

I wish you well and hope you find happiness.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 24/07/2023 12:37

He’s always telling me once I’m no longer supporting my children,I can get a second job and work as much hours possible to get ahead

That's your decision, not his. He does seem to have a lot of ideas about how you should run your life, doesn't he? get ahead of what? do you want to get ahead? or is it having more money that he likes the thought of?

Original poster
ShazS76 · 24/07/2023 12:54

He has plenty of money. I think possibly looks down on me because I don’t have money but I work as much as I can yet keeping a balance between work and home life for kids sake

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 24/07/2023 13:03

He looks down on you. He doesn't like your children to the point he actively wants them out of your life. He tries to take control of your life and tell you how to run it. He doesn't like your friends.

What ARE his redeeming features?

Newestname002 · 24/07/2023 13:07

ShazS76 · 24/07/2023 09:42

I’m going to end it. I already was headed in that direction but I wanted advice from outsiders

I'm so very glad to hear this, for all the reasons people have mentioned in this thread. It certainly doesn't sound as if he will anything positive to your future. 🌹

Original poster
ShazS76 · 24/07/2023 13:22

He was really great and then started showing this other side of himself in last 2-3 months

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 24/07/2023 13:22

ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 23:15

He says at 18 but that is still young. He says she should be aiming at going to university but if not, she can go stay with her father at the end of high school so I can have freedom. I don’t share this point of view.
My son is turning 19 soon and he is working and although he’s lazy at home, he holds down a job and pays for himself.

With each of your posts about him, it gets worse!

Whilst I'm no fan of 'spoilt' teenage girls making demands for instant food and lifts etc, it sounds very much like you're spending too much time away from your daughter purely because this man refuses to be at your house so you're choosing to be with him over her. Emotionally 15 years old is still so young and this 'abandonment' will be damaging her.

But then his comments about university or she goes to live with her father, WTF?!! How did you not end it with him immediately when he said this?!! That should have been the end. Put your family first.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 24/07/2023 13:28

So not only is he deciding how you should run your life but organising your DD as well? like I said, bleeding cheek.

He was really great and then started showing this other side of himself in last 2-3 months

He now feels safe enough to do that now you've been together a year.

Original poster
ShazS76 · 24/07/2023 13:46

He will be an ex boyfriend

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 24/07/2023 14:15

Better to find out who he really is now OP. At least you still have your own place and no independence lost Flowers

NotBotheredAnymore · 24/07/2023 20:40

He’s always telling me once I’m no longer supporting my children, I can get a second job and work as much hours possible to get ahead.

Ummmmm, surely that's your decision to make. If you aren't supporting the children any more (food, clothing, higher bills) why do you need a second job?

So you move into his, after disowning your children, then he sends you out to work in two jobs....he's either after your money OP, or he's an abuser and he's shown his cards early. Run like the wind and don't look back.

Original poster
ShazS76 · 24/07/2023 22:32

I told him it’s over and will never work because we have different values and I need someone who respects that I am a mother and will accept that my children are not just commodities.
He said good luck finding somebody who will take me and two teens on. He said some nasty things about my kids especially my daughter and predicted I’ll have a life of drudgery.
And - I’m no good at parenting

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 24/07/2023 22:33

ShazS76 · 24/07/2023 22:32

I told him it’s over and will never work because we have different values and I need someone who respects that I am a mother and will accept that my children are not just commodities.
He said good luck finding somebody who will take me and two teens on. He said some nasty things about my kids especially my daughter and predicted I’ll have a life of drudgery.
And - I’m no good at parenting

That's just given you more evidence that you've done the right thing, well done. A life of drudgery? I'd say you'd just dodged that.

billy1966 · 24/07/2023 22:46

Well done dumping what was clearly a nasty piece of work.

He lashed out at you because he is pissed off that you have seen through him.

He is not a good man.

He wants to be some womans sole priority.

I would not want him around any child.

I wouldn't be surprised if you hear from him again when his fury calms down.

Beware.

ValerieDoonican · 24/07/2023 22:46

Well he really thinks he's a prize doesn't he? And a prize nobber he certainly is.

Rockschooldropout · 24/07/2023 22:49

“Take you and two teens on ?!”
You’re a person not a project - I hope you told him not to let the door hit him on the way out , good riddance to him

Original poster
ShazS76 · 24/07/2023 23:17

Maybe I make a lot of mistakes as a parent and my teens are not as grounded and well behaved as they should be. But the solution isn’t sending them away.

OP posts:
NotBotheredAnymore · 25/07/2023 01:15

ShazS76 · 24/07/2023 22:32

I told him it’s over and will never work because we have different values and I need someone who respects that I am a mother and will accept that my children are not just commodities.
He said good luck finding somebody who will take me and two teens on. He said some nasty things about my kids especially my daughter and predicted I’ll have a life of drudgery.
And - I’m no good at parenting

Shock

I guess i was right. That was really mean of him, I'm sorry OP.
or he's an abuser and he's shown his cards early.

Original poster
ShazS76 · 25/07/2023 07:48

It is quite upsetting to be honest because I have been seeing him about a year and it’s the first bf in years.

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 25/07/2023 08:19

OP you really are better off without him. Your teenagers sound normal to me. Look after yourself and your family. I am sure when you are ready there will be someone for you.

Original poster
ShazS76 · 25/07/2023 08:25

I don’t need a man right now but just wonder if there are available decent ones out there.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShazS76 · 25/07/2023 10:13

Thank you everyone for your input.

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 25/07/2023 11:33

ShazS76 · 24/07/2023 22:32

I told him it’s over and will never work because we have different values and I need someone who respects that I am a mother and will accept that my children are not just commodities.
He said good luck finding somebody who will take me and two teens on. He said some nasty things about my kids especially my daughter and predicted I’ll have a life of drudgery.
And - I’m no good at parenting

Although your upset I would say this is a lucky escape! He has shown his true colours before you are several years and completely isolated.

There are decent men out there but give yourself time and I think even in 6 months you will look back and think phew!

For now enjoy a day out with your daughter doing something nice knowing that you have made the right decision.