At A Crossroad In My Relationship - Need Advice

[ShazS76]

Hi All

Looking for some thoughts on my situation.
Im a divorced woman in her late 40s. I have two teens, a son turning 19 and a daughter almost 15. I’ve been seeing someone for nearly a year now and we have had a great time and grown close.
Hes a few years older and has a son who is in his late 20s lives away from home.
There has never been talk of moving in together and that is possibly the easiest with me having two teens.
We dated about 6 months before I introduced him to my kids as I didn’t want to freak them out being the first relationship I’ve had since my divorce.
Anyway, fast forward some months and I’m wondering if I should end the relationship even though I’ve fallen in love with him.
He comes over but I haven’t had him stay overnight. I will stay a night by him if my daughter is with a friend on the weekend. This is not just about wanting my kids to feel comfortable but the issue now is my guy doesn’t want my kids at his place. He says they’re not his children and he has raised a child and doesn’t want to deal with teenagers again.
I know my kids aren’t little and they’re pretty independent but it’s really upsetting me having to do things separately. My kids have a dad in their life so they don’t need another male figure but I feel he should make some effort if he wants a future with me. My children are my priority and my daughter often makes comments about my bf not seeming interested in her or her brother.
i don’t expect him to agree to living together and don’t need his help with my teens but I don’t see it working out if he has practically no interest in them.

You’re entitled to a life, and if this guy was a decent person who was interested in your family and didn’t want you to kick out a 16yr old child to live with him, then I’d say you need to balance it a bit more, yes you’re entitled to spend time with your bf, but also make your daughter feel special too. Days out together would be nice, meals etc. However not with this guy, he’s made it clear he wants you and you only. If you carry this on trust me he will push you further and further away from family and friends

He sounds very controlling, to be honest.
And getting close to asking you to choose between him or your children.
Big red flags.
Your daughter is still so young, at such an impressionable age, and she's already feeling pushed out.
Please don't put this man's needs/wants over that of your children.
This is time with them that you will never get back.

This is my biggest concern. Whilst I’m entitled to a love life and want someone to share life with, I do not want it to be at the expense of my child’s emotional wellbeing

He says at 18 but that is still young. He says she should be aiming at going to university but if not, she can go stay with her father at the end of high school so I can have freedom. I don’t share this point of view.
My son is turning 19 soon and he is working and although he’s lazy at home, he holds down a job and pays for himself.

He's looking at you as a woman first and foremost and not/never a parent.
You are looking at yourself as a parent who wants to occasionally be just a woman.

You don't have the same dreams or desires or life goals. What makes one person happy will make the other person unhappy. There is no compromise to be had, no matter how hard you look. If you want your children and future grandchildren in your life then let him go.

We were both on the same page right from the beginning about not all living together and like I said I did not introduce him to my children for nearly 6 months. But he also knew from the beginning that I had children and if he had said straightaway that he wanted no involvement with him, I would not have let the relationship continue. It’s probably been the past three months where he has showed his true colours regarding my children

I don't think this sounds good OP TBH. I would be thinking about what you want out of the relationship- if it's just a bit of casual companionship without moving in etc it could work. If you want a proper life partner who you live with in future this man doesn't sound like the one for you. What happens if your kids need to live with you for longer because they are struggling financially for example, will he just say no to helping them? Sounds like it. I agree with your friends advice about not just setting everything up around your children as they will leave and you need a life, but equally they will always be a vital part of your life and someone that can't accept that is no good for you.

I want a partner. I said to my bf from the beginning that I don’t want to have my kids living with anyone I date but still hoped for a serious relationship and once the kids are both adult, I’d maybe move in with my guy or at least be free to spend as much time as I like with him. I just did not foresee him being anti my kids and indicating that it would be great if they weren’t ‘in the way’. He’s even asked why I don’t send my daughter to her fathers until she finishes high school so it’s upsetting that I developed quite strong feelings for him before all of this about my daughter

My teens can be demanding and lazy and disrespectful and maybe that’s more my fault as a parent than anything. I can understand a bf being fed up with certain behaviours but I don’t think it should lead to wanting the children gone

He says I can move in with him when my kids are out the house so he’s already made comments that as soon as my daughter finishes school I must tell her to move out so I can move in with him

I'm trying to imagine what my face would look like if someone said that to me. I know that I would have dumped him on that day if not before.

How can you even think of staying with him?

How are you even tolerating these conversations? I'm really struggling to believe this. He doesn't want to be anywhere near your children. He shows no sign of being interested in them or their well-being yet you are continuing to see him. WTF are you playing at?

He says that he’s looking out for me because I’ve worn the brunt of raising the kids for past 8 years since divorce, and it’s time I think of myself.
I did say to him that being a parent doesn’t give me the right to ‘tap out’ of my responsibilities plus I love having my children with me despite the hardships

Why do you think I’m on this forum? I’m not happy with his attitude and have said it appears there’s no way forward and this will have to end.

Yet you're still with him, and you're still making excuses.

Honestly, why you're still going on about this is remarkable considering you already know your children are feeling marginalised due to your relationship.

I want a partner.

And there it is. You're apparently so desperate for a man you'll tolerate any conditions, even those that push out your own kids.

Bollocks he's looking out for you he's looking out for himself and is trying to sideline your children.

Very rarely I say LTB but in this case he's made it clear he's not interested in ever accepting your children. You will be causing a lot of damage to your 15 year old especially if you stay in this relationship and I'm shocked you haven't dumped him already for trying to alienate your children from you.

This is my first relationship in 8 years. I’m far from desperate. Nowhere have I agreed to push out my kids. I can see the problems here. If people like me had all the answers we wouldn’t need to get on these forums. We come for advice, not to be attacked

Does he just want you to show up at his to service him and entertain him and then fuck off?

He seems to be low effort. Doesn't even want to come to yours.

The fact that you're still discussing it with him rather than simply saying at the time I'm not going to do that to my children and its either us as a unit or not at all though means you have considered if its worth choosing him over your children.

I don't know why that conversation didn't cause huge flags to go up and you know what the answer is already.

Hi is very shortsighted. Kids will not be teens forever! You and him are building something long term, so a few years of acceptance that occasionally he will need to socialise with your kids should not be such an issue.
Out of respect to you, and in the name of reasonable, he should make an effort.
A few years forward, and the kids are now adults, would he not want to see them then also? In some way or another the relationship with them starts now and he can not pretend they do not exist. That means that there will be situations when they will in his orbit, whatever the reason..
You are not asking for a babysitter or a second home for your kids, but for him to make a space for you in your life and at the moment this space needs to 'stretch' a bit to accommodate younger and dependent children.
If he digs is heels in then that tells you all you need to know.

Follow your instincts op. Sound to me you are sensing something bigger than just the kids issue.

Never stop you seeing them? Oh thanks! That's very kind of him. What, does he think this is this an option??

This is a transactional relationship based on his needs. Fine if you just want sex and the odd sleep over. If you want a partnership look elsewhere. At least he has been honest.

'He says I can move in with him when my kids are out the house so he’s already made comments that as soon as my daughter finishes school I must tell her to move out so I can move in with him. He also says my son should start thinking of moving out. It’s like he’s resenting the fact I have children.'

I've changed my mind - I'd tell him to watch his head in the way out. Who does he think he is?

Op! The more I read your description of his line of thoughts the more I worry for you...'wish your husband was around to take care of your daughter?' Red flags all over with flashing lights and sirens

He doesn’t want something casual. He says he wants a long term relationship with me but unfortunately I cannot see it working as he’s not prepared to compromise with my children