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Original poster

At A Crossroad In My Relationship - Need Advice

143 replies

ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 11:26

Hi All

Looking for some thoughts on my situation.
Im a divorced woman in her late 40s. I have two teens, a son turning 19 and a daughter almost 15. I’ve been seeing someone for nearly a year now and we have had a great time and grown close.
Hes a few years older and has a son who is in his late 20s lives away from home.
There has never been talk of moving in together and that is possibly the easiest with me having two teens.
We dated about 6 months before I introduced him to my kids as I didn’t want to freak them out being the first relationship I’ve had since my divorce.
Anyway, fast forward some months and I’m wondering if I should end the relationship even though I’ve fallen in love with him.
He comes over but I haven’t had him stay overnight. I will stay a night by him if my daughter is with a friend on the weekend. This is not just about wanting my kids to feel comfortable but the issue now is my guy doesn’t want my kids at his place. He says they’re not his children and he has raised a child and doesn’t want to deal with teenagers again.
I know my kids aren’t little and they’re pretty independent but it’s really upsetting me having to do things separately. My kids have a dad in their life so they don’t need another male figure but I feel he should make some effort if he wants a future with me. My children are my priority and my daughter often makes comments about my bf not seeming interested in her or her brother.
i don’t expect him to agree to living together and don’t need his help with my teens but I don’t see it working out if he has practically no interest in them.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 13:12

I can understand him being annoyed when she’s rung demanding I come home because she wants to go get something from the shop which can easily wait for a bit later. But - when she needs help with homework or wants to be dropped at her friend for a couple hours or just wants me around because shes feeling sick - I need his patience and understanding that I need to be there for her

OP posts:
ButterflyOil · 23/07/2023 13:14

ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 11:58

Not at all. She’s in her room a lot. She doesn’t get in the way. My son is barely at home. My bf just wants me. My daughter needs me sometimes as she doesn’t drive yet, not old enough and he gets annoyed when my parental duties cut into time he wants with me. He says I can move in with him when my kids are out the house so he’s already made comments that as soon as my daughter finishes school I must tell her to move out so I can move in with him. He also says my son should start thinking of moving out. It’s like he’s resenting the fact I have children.

Ok but what would he do if you moved in together after your kids left home with things like seeing them? Would he not want them even to stay as guests?

Him saying you should get your daughter to move out as soon as she finishes school on top of the comments about your son are worrying tbh. This seems to be more than just not wanting to do any active step parenting which is fair enough - it’s like he wants them shoved out of your life as soon as possible.

Id be ending it because it sounds more he resents them already and their presence in your life.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 23/07/2023 13:18

But it isn't your dc with resentment it's him.

What happens if they have dc?

Original poster
ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 13:20

I do not know how accommodating he would be once they’re adults and I was living with him. However if he already distances from them now, they probably won’t want to visit me if I was living with him because there will be a wedge formed from these early days. Sometimes I wonder if he is jealous because of the bond I have with my kids

OP posts:
vivaespanaole · 23/07/2023 13:25

Listen to your gut.

Your children don't have needs to be met
By him as you clearly say. But it would be nice if they had some sort of relationship. To go to dinner all together a couple of times a year. Or a sunday lunch once a month. To see a new
Movie you all interested in from time to time.

To be expected long term to keep everything entirely separate is not realistic.

To not want to fully integrate is of course a valid choice but to be in a long term relationship and not integrate families AT ALL just doesn't sound like it is right for you.

A carte blanche ban of them being in his home is odd. And expecting you to kick them out as school leavers is a massive red flag.

Original poster
ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 13:30

His son met a Danish girl and married her and lives in Denmark. Haven’t met them yet but I would be so willing to be involved with them if they lived local and be excited to meet his son. When you love someone, their children are an extension of them so I would like some effort made with mine where it doesn’t feel like they’re just obstacles to him. He said he wished my ex husband was still in the same town so he could have my daughter

OP posts:
Flymetothetoon · 23/07/2023 13:32

Yuk the more you speak of him the worse he sounds. Get rid.

ButterflyOil · 23/07/2023 13:32

I think you have it right tbh and he is jealous of that bond and the time and attention they have from you. And if he’s jealous of your kids what else might he get jealous about over time? Other family members? Friends? Hobbies?

You’re getting this sense he wants you all to himself which can sound romantic until you unpick it a bit and it starts to look more like possessiveness and jealousy.

ButterflyOil · 23/07/2023 13:34

ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 13:30

His son met a Danish girl and married her and lives in Denmark. Haven’t met them yet but I would be so willing to be involved with them if they lived local and be excited to meet his son. When you love someone, their children are an extension of them so I would like some effort made with mine where it doesn’t feel like they’re just obstacles to him. He said he wished my ex husband was still in the same town so he could have my daughter

Wow yea i’d have broken up on the spot if someone had made a comment like that about my teen. Bit surprised you haven’t already told him to do one!

Original poster
ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 13:38

I think the first 6 months was great as it’s new and people are on their best behaviour. Then as times gone on I’m seeing some changes and feeling uneasy obviously particularly relating to my children

OP posts:
DarkDarkNight · 23/07/2023 13:52

ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 11:58

Not at all. She’s in her room a lot. She doesn’t get in the way. My son is barely at home. My bf just wants me. My daughter needs me sometimes as she doesn’t drive yet, not old enough and he gets annoyed when my parental duties cut into time he wants with me. He says I can move in with him when my kids are out the house so he’s already made comments that as soon as my daughter finishes school I must tell her to move out so I can move in with him. He also says my son should start thinking of moving out. It’s like he’s resenting the fact I have children.

Big fat no from me. Are you placing demands on him about his grown up children? If they needed him would you be telling him he can’t go and see them or help them?

He just wants someone child and commitment free, which is fine, but why pick someone with teenage children at all? He needs someone with no children who isn’t planning on them or someone like him with grown up children.

He doesn’t sound like a hands-on father to his own kids. He thinks he has the right to tell you your older child should be moving out or that your 15 year old should move out as long as possible. What if in the future your son has a bad break up and wants to move home? What if you have grandchildren and want to offer childcare? I don’t think the two of you are compatible.

DarkDarkNight · 23/07/2023 13:53

As soon as possible that should say.

Original poster
ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 13:57

I’m always asking after his son and DIL. She’s pregnant with baby number one and I’m excited. I will always expect a good open relationship between parent and children plus grandchildren. It’s how it should be. I would expect a man to be put off me if I wasn’t close to my children and not prioritising them

OP posts:
ButterflyOil · 23/07/2023 13:59

ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 13:38

I think the first 6 months was great as it’s new and people are on their best behaviour. Then as times gone on I’m seeing some changes and feeling uneasy obviously particularly relating to my children

Totally understandable, sorry I didn’t mean for that to come out judgmentally. It’s hard when someone has presented a certain way and then things start creeping in, you have to update your internal map of them which is hard when you care about them and have invested into a relationship.

I do think you are right to pay heed to these red flags for sure.

DeeCee77 · 23/07/2023 14:12

ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 13:57

I’m always asking after his son and DIL. She’s pregnant with baby number one and I’m excited. I will always expect a good open relationship between parent and children plus grandchildren. It’s how it should be. I would expect a man to be put off me if I wasn’t close to my children and not prioritising them

That's cause you are considerate, he isn't. You are not compatible OP.

Aquamarine puts it in very black and white, clinical terms.. "He doesn't want your kids in his life, which is his right."

Now while he's every right to think the way be does, and he's "not wrong" to have no consideration to your kids, he'd be an instant get in the bin from me. While the overwhelming majority of us would be interested in those closest to the people we are with, especially kids who are an extension of you, he isn't.

I think you have a straightforward decision here OP.

CollagenQueen · 23/07/2023 14:19

I got together with my DH, when my kids were 11 & 9 years old. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't always been plain sailing, because they are not his children, and he doesn't have the patience with them that I have. Or the guilt of splitting with their real Dad.

That said, he has always understood that they are my priority, and would never have suggested that they live elsewhere! Over the years he has done many things for them that a Dad would do, like giving lifts, doing the school run, cooking for everyone, attending school plays etc. He has also been a sounding board for them, an advice giver and a voice of reason through the teenage years.

They are both mid 20's now, and they have a great relationship. One of them lives on another continent, and we visited over the summer and had a lovely holiday together.

Your children will never be his children. He will never love them like you or your Ex does. But he should be understanding that they are a priority for you and that he needs to have them in his life if he wants you fully in it. You can't spend your life straddling two camps. How would he feel, if you told him that in order to be with you, he had to stop seeing his sister/mother/father/friends? Or that you were not prepared to meet any of those people.

One of my friends was actually dating a man like this. The children in the scenario were his though, and he refused for her to meet them, ever after a few years. It didn't last. He just wouldn't merge the two camps, and she had to end it.

Rockschooldropout · 23/07/2023 14:30

It’s simple really - you aren’t a good fit . He’s been happy having a “girlfriend “ and doesn’t envisage a future with you unless it excludes your dc’s .

It’s time to end it OP and I think you know that

Domino20 · 23/07/2023 14:32

You sound a little bit like you are trying to rationalise his behaviour because you don't really want to break up.
He sounds like an arse. Do the right thing or your going to alienate your kids.

SeamsLegit · 23/07/2023 14:35

He's already planning for you to TELL your daughter to move out??? That is enough for me. No one gets to decide things like that for someone else. What a knob

Ragruggers · 23/07/2023 15:55

Finish it now and spend time in the school holidays with your daughter.You will never get this time again,soon she will be leaving school and moving on.You can do this he sounds very jealous and not a caring person you deserve better as you really know.

ValerieDoonican · 23/07/2023 15:56

This is a tension that will never be resolved, and will lead to more, not leas unhappiness as the years go by, as you are trying to live a double life as a loving involved parent/mil/grandmother, and still acting the part of a child-free girlfriend with this bloke. And if you were under the same roof as him, you would be trying to do so without a home to invite your own family to. Which sounds like hell.

He wants you to chop off a huge part of yourself to please him. It may be his right to wish that, but I do NOT think it is his right to ask or expect it. I think its bloody rude.

baileys6904 · 23/07/2023 16:03

Wtf are u doing?!?!?

Why are u even asking the question.

He makes ur daughter feel shit. You're allowing it.

Theredjellybean · 23/07/2023 16:24

this man said he wished your dd could live with your ex H ????? and you did not dump him then ???

He has been honest ( his only redeeming quality i can see) . He wants you , singular, not you and all the sides of you ( mother/wife/partner/granny/colleague) etc.

The comment that your children should move out as soon as they finish school is worrying, so what then, you'd move into his house and i bet you would find you where 'allowed' to see your dc on his terms outside of his house....i can imagine the post in a few years time ' my DP sulks when i spend time with my dd'

While i can see it would be frustrating if you were having a couples night/date etc and your 15 yr old rings you wanting trivial stuff like running to a friends or to the shops...you should be able to have some social life / they can make plans/arrangements or just understand you are not at her beck and call . However his attitude is deeper than just a slightly frustrated boyfriend wanting one night a week child free !

caringcarer · 23/07/2023 16:26

ShazS76 · 23/07/2023 11:58

Not at all. She’s in her room a lot. She doesn’t get in the way. My son is barely at home. My bf just wants me. My daughter needs me sometimes as she doesn’t drive yet, not old enough and he gets annoyed when my parental duties cut into time he wants with me. He says I can move in with him when my kids are out the house so he’s already made comments that as soon as my daughter finishes school I must tell her to move out so I can move in with him. He also says my son should start thinking of moving out. It’s like he’s resenting the fact I have children.

That's a huge red flag. He's asking you to kick your kids out as early as 16. Throw him back OP. He's not the one for you.

Zanatdy · 23/07/2023 21:20

I’d 100% be ending it after he said he didn’t want my kids in his home. Sorry but no. How would that work in a long term relationship? I wouldn’t dream of moving in with him, your kids deserve better, bin him