At A Crossroad In My Relationship - Need Advice

[ShazS76]

Hi All

Looking for some thoughts on my situation.
Im a divorced woman in her late 40s. I have two teens, a son turning 19 and a daughter almost 15. I’ve been seeing someone for nearly a year now and we have had a great time and grown close.
Hes a few years older and has a son who is in his late 20s lives away from home.
There has never been talk of moving in together and that is possibly the easiest with me having two teens.
We dated about 6 months before I introduced him to my kids as I didn’t want to freak them out being the first relationship I’ve had since my divorce.
Anyway, fast forward some months and I’m wondering if I should end the relationship even though I’ve fallen in love with him.
He comes over but I haven’t had him stay overnight. I will stay a night by him if my daughter is with a friend on the weekend. This is not just about wanting my kids to feel comfortable but the issue now is my guy doesn’t want my kids at his place. He says they’re not his children and he has raised a child and doesn’t want to deal with teenagers again.
I know my kids aren’t little and they’re pretty independent but it’s really upsetting me having to do things separately. My kids have a dad in their life so they don’t need another male figure but I feel he should make some effort if he wants a future with me. My children are my priority and my daughter often makes comments about my bf not seeming interested in her or her brother.
i don’t expect him to agree to living together and don’t need his help with my teens but I don’t see it working out if he has practically no interest in them.

He doesn't want you to think of yourself. He wants you to think only of him.

This is not an attack OP, you are right to trust your instincts. This is scary coercive control and he's starting with the DC 🚩

That's right - it shouldn't 🚩

There, you've got your answer.

He is utterly selfish and doesn't care about your feelings.

He wants your children to be gone from your life. This is never going to work.

It's not even about compromise is it? You can't have a partner who just tolerates your kids as a 'compromise'. He doesn't have to love them but he does have to respect your relationship with them and he just doesn't.
You call his behaviour a 'red flag'. No. A red flag is a warning that a man isn't a good partner. This is more than a warning - it's clear evidence. I realise your children are growing up but as the parent of a 15 year old I know how much they still need us and he's actively trying to undermine your parenting relationship with her. Get rid.

Run. His whole attitude makes me recoil. He wants you to get rid of your children as soon as possible as they inconvenience him by being in your life and taking attention away from him.

he is not the right man for you. Your children will never feel accepted or wanted in his company. They will never be welcome in the home of you lived together after they moved out.

seriously telling you to dump your daughter on her dad…. Why are you still with him?

Dump the extra weight (him..) and start making a few new rules at home to sort out the issues you mentioned briefly at home with the children.

Reading through more if your posts , I feel more alarmed .
He wants a LTR with you - as long as you dispense with your children ?! Why are you still chewing the fat over this !
I would have dumped this man as soon as he started saying things like this .
Theres nothing left to discuss, no excuses to be made ..

So end it then

He’s not saying he won’t date me if I don’t part with my kids. He says it would be nice if I was free to move in with him and suggested when my daughter is 18 that i send her to her father so I can move in. His attitude towards the kids has only really come to light recently and I have not chosen him over my children!

If it doesn't include your children then he certainly doesn't want a LTR.
He's sounding very controlling and I really think you need to put your (only just turned 15) daughter first.
You say you spend evening at his, but don't stay overnight.
But your daughter is presumably home alone while you're at his?
No wonder she feels pushed out.

And what was his response to but my child would also need a room to visit? Or would he not allow that?!

Please wake up and smell the coffee OP, stop discussing it here and do what is right by your children before you damage your relationship with them any further

He wants a long term relationship with a woman who tows the line... Don't be her op.. My ds left home at 24! We all happily loved here. Me, my dh (not dc's df) and younger siblings. My dc were never a burden to raise. I actually enjoyed having them until they chose to leave! 24? So be it!

He sounds awful, OP.

Why on earth are you with the selfish prick?

I’m never there at night. I am home to cook dinner. Apart from a weekend I barely see him as I know I need to be home with family

Was your ex controlling?

He is creating problems in your family where there were none.

the only explanation I can think of is that you can’t see it because it is the reason your marriage broke down.

your kids come forst, you have said that.

so OP from all the posts on here - are you going to end this or are you going to continue in the relationship?
You’ve had lots of excellent advice with everyone pretty much saying the same thing

Your kids, at whatever age, are a hugely important part of your life. You don't lose a relationship with them just because they turn 18.

This guy is telling you to basically kick them out of your life at that point. He has admitted he won't accept these hugely important people in your life. (Who else will he try to alienate you from?)

Do you really need to ask should you break up with someone who doesn't want to acknowledge the human beings you brought into the world?

I’m going to end it. I already was headed in that direction but I wanted advice from outsiders

I was typing a replying but @Escapingafter50years has put it perfectly.

He is awful. Get rid.

My ex husband was very moody. Would have a big sulk if things didn’t go his way or give the silent treatment for several days. Never apologised for anything

He’s selfish. He wants to be the centre of your attention and world. Kicking your kids out when they finish school is that what he did?

Bet his previous relationships would have a few tales to tell.

Love isn’t always enough to share your future and family with someone. Find a better fish, pop this one back in the pond.

Sadly for you, because of your experience, your bar has been set low and you are at risk of manipulative men who are only interested in their own needs. This is possibly something going back to your childhood where you were taught to put yourself and your needs behind everyone else's.

Please consider doing the Freedom Programme, it will help you recognise red flags much earlier and put you in a position to have a safe respectful and balanced relationship rather than the one you are in now.

Thank you. I’ve heard about that programme. Will look into it.

This
End this relationship and work on making sure you don’t settle for this kind of “relationship “ again .
You may not realise it but this man is essentially abusive - decent people do not ask their partner to cut themselves off from their children which is what he’s moving to do .
The freedom programme is excellent

I think if he doesn't want DD at his place (and it's very likely she won't want to go there often) then he should be visiting at your place. 14 is still young to leave her alone all the time.

I fully agree with you