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Original poster

Dumped after 2 years because I have children

339 replies

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:25

2 days ago I was dumped out of the blue by the man I was with for over 2 years. He was fully aware I had children from the start and never made it out to be a problem. He was the love of my life and I felt so lucky to have met him after my ex before him (father of my children) left me for a younger woman. He was kind, funny helpful, attractive and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better relationship. He always said he was committed and that he wanted a long term future with me and my 2 children. Recently we started discussing mortgages and moving in together etc and he seemed happy and positive about it. Then 2 days ago he came round in tears saying that he couldn't see a future with me and my children. He said he'd move in with me in a heartbeat but was worried he wouldn't enjoy his loss of freedom etc and everything he was giving up and that it would cause resentment. Its just so sudden and I feel so confused, hurt and let down. I'm 38 and worried I will never meet someone I love as much as him...

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilaclala · 25/07/2023 18:56

Elektra1 · 25/07/2023 13:50

Speaking as someone whose spouse recently left me for someone else - citing the stress of living with my 2 (now uni age) children as one of the main reasons - I'd say you have dodged a bullet. 9 years I wasted on this relationship, and we had another child together as well. So now that child's family life is broken.

It is really sad, all the "what ifs?". But bottom line: your kids are your kids and living with someone who doesn't want to be a decent step-parent would not be in their best interests.

There are plenty of people who are more than willing to be with someone who has kids, and when you're ready, you'll find the right person. Don't compromise your children's well-being for someone who isn't up to the job.

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I kind of wonder now if I'd had a child with him would he have stayed or would my children still have eventually been a problem. Its just such a shock when so unexpected but its really helping having people to share it with.

OP posts:
Elektra1 · 25/07/2023 20:05

I can only speak of my own experience but: I had another child with my DW even though I'd never have been looking to have another one without her. She left me anyway. Our child starts school in September and I've got another 14 years of single parent-dom. Obviously now I've got DD I'd never be without her, but if I'd ever thought this would be how our family ended, I can't say I'd have made the same choices.

Honestly, it feels awful now but you're so much better off not having tied yourself up with this guy.

jimmyjammy001 · 25/07/2023 20:49

At least he was honest, he tried but just want for him unfortunately, children do bring alot of restrictions as to what you can and can't do in life unfortunately and for someone who childless this is a big problem, if you want to do something and the person who has children can't do something because of childcare issues then this creates resentment and ultimately he has to stop doing the things he enjoys in life, the thought of living in a house full time swith some one and they're children was probably a reality check and he could not see how it would work long term, step parenting children that aren't yours is hard work and sounds like he probably needs to find someone at a similar life stage as him (no kids) for them to have the same prioritys and similar free time together

Original poster
Lilaclala · 25/07/2023 21:04

I know I was saying he was the perfect partner for me earlier, and it many was he was. He also did have some negatives which at the time I just overlooked due to being in love:
He farted really loud every time he went for a wee.
He pissed on the toilet seat
He always had skidmarks in his pants and found toilet humour really funny.
He had about 10 football shirts hanging on his wall.
His ex wife left him because he was impotent and I was the first person he managed to ever have a normal sexual relationship with.
He used to always comment when he found another woman attractive on the telly.

Helps to get that off my chest. Anyone else find those off-putting?

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 25/07/2023 21:11

Lilaclala · 25/07/2023 21:04

I know I was saying he was the perfect partner for me earlier, and it many was he was. He also did have some negatives which at the time I just overlooked due to being in love:
He farted really loud every time he went for a wee.
He pissed on the toilet seat
He always had skidmarks in his pants and found toilet humour really funny.
He had about 10 football shirts hanging on his wall.
His ex wife left him because he was impotent and I was the first person he managed to ever have a normal sexual relationship with.
He used to always comment when he found another woman attractive on the telly.

Helps to get that off my chest. Anyone else find those off-putting?

off putting ?! he sounds like a bloody nightmare! a literal definition of a dirty man

To be fair, I don't think you could seriously expect someone like this to want to commit or be mature enough to handle mortgage and being a stepparent. He clearly cannot take care of himself, let alone anything or anyone else. you got lucky that he has left on his own

madeinmanc · 25/07/2023 21:58

Just as a general point, I'm in my early forties and the way I see it is that almost everyone I meet by this age has some kind of history, they've either had children or step-children or they couldn't have children or there's something about them that meant they didn't get into the situation to have children (I'm the last one). I mean, there's always something, it's expected at this age. I think it's very unrealistic of anyone to think otherwise.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 25/07/2023 22:16

madeinmanc · 25/07/2023 21:58

Just as a general point, I'm in my early forties and the way I see it is that almost everyone I meet by this age has some kind of history, they've either had children or step-children or they couldn't have children or there's something about them that meant they didn't get into the situation to have children (I'm the last one). I mean, there's always something, it's expected at this age. I think it's very unrealistic of anyone to think otherwise.

That's exactly what I think. So good luck to him at the age of 40 meeting someone with zero baggage.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 26/07/2023 00:00

So good luck to him at the age of 40 meeting someone with zero baggage.

A woman in her 30s or late 20s maybe.

I find it strange that someone who didn't want kids started a relationship with your when your have such young kids. You had a baby when you got together.

The reality of his finances being affected.

Living with kids full time.

Being a parental figure..by virtue of living in the same house of them has hit him.

You don't want him just tolerating your kids like some SPs do.

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/07/2023 00:04

Anyone else find those off-putting?

Is that a trick question lol.

Gingerboy22 · 26/07/2023 00:50

Went on a couple of dates with a guy who did this with a woman with two teenage daughters he had been seeing for a while and was engaged to . He was older though and he said that he just came to realise that that was not the life he wanted. He didn't have any children of his own and I think he didn't want to take on that responsibility in a day to day situation. Maybe he thought he could but couldn't get over that final hurdle?

Of course you will meet someone else in time.

QueenBitch666 · 26/07/2023 01:23

Lilaclala · 25/07/2023 21:04

I know I was saying he was the perfect partner for me earlier, and it many was he was. He also did have some negatives which at the time I just overlooked due to being in love:
He farted really loud every time he went for a wee.
He pissed on the toilet seat
He always had skidmarks in his pants and found toilet humour really funny.
He had about 10 football shirts hanging on his wall.
His ex wife left him because he was impotent and I was the first person he managed to ever have a normal sexual relationship with.
He used to always comment when he found another woman attractive on the telly.

Helps to get that off my chest. Anyone else find those off-putting?

He sounds revolting. You've dodged a bullet 🤮

nomoretoriesforme · 26/07/2023 01:52

Lilaclala · 25/07/2023 21:04

I know I was saying he was the perfect partner for me earlier, and it many was he was. He also did have some negatives which at the time I just overlooked due to being in love:
He farted really loud every time he went for a wee.
He pissed on the toilet seat
He always had skidmarks in his pants and found toilet humour really funny.
He had about 10 football shirts hanging on his wall.
His ex wife left him because he was impotent and I was the first person he managed to ever have a normal sexual relationship with.
He used to always comment when he found another woman attractive on the telly.

Helps to get that off my chest. Anyone else find those off-putting?

He is absolutely disgusting...

nalabae · 26/07/2023 02:06

Something else has happened probably some idiot friend gor into his head

DonkeysForCourses · 26/07/2023 03:34

If he can't wipe his own arse, he's not suitable step parent material. He sounds absolutely gross.

MissHarrietBede · 26/07/2023 07:29

He's barely potty trained by the sounds of it.

FloofCloud · 26/07/2023 07:35

My DB does have a good relationship with his girlfriend, they have separate houses and finances, she has 2 kids. He's lived with a precious fiancée and that didn't work out because he's not able to cope with kids, he loves them and does fun things with them but he's autistic and needs space after work and kind of his own quiet space. That works for them.

I don't think relationships are set in stone that you must live together but you both have to be happy with the situation - I hope you're able to find happiness with him or someone else

Original poster
Lilaclala · 26/07/2023 07:36

My 3 year old daughter has been asking where he is. She started crying earlier because she said she wanted him. They had a sweet bond.

OP posts:
FloofCloud · 26/07/2023 07:38

... just read his 'negatives' ... 😮🤢

Original poster
Lilaclala · 26/07/2023 07:46

Having said that he was decent looking and always made me smile/ laugh. The thought of him ever moving on with someone else really hurts....

OP posts:
goldcheese · 26/07/2023 07:53

So, you were both pretty happy in your relationship but he doesn't want to move in and be a full time step dad? To be honest that is a huge deal and a step parent relationship is one that is difficult on all sides. The step parent tends to feel like an outsider, the birth parent feels torn ebtwren what their kids want and what their partner wants, and the kids can feel like their cosy home setup with one parent has been invaded.

Can you not continue as you are?

You mentioned the other things but tbh some people are just gassy and at least he is farting in the bathroom! Would you prefer it if he pee'd first and farted afterwards instead of getting it all over and done with in one go?

Maybe he has external piles that make it hard to get totally clean but he clearly needs to improve his hygiene? I mean it sounds gross but obviously you overlooked this before.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 26/07/2023 08:18

He does not want to continue as we are which is what makes the whole thing so confusing and upsetting.

OP posts:
Wheretostartstitching · 26/07/2023 09:24

Lilaclala · 26/07/2023 07:46

Having said that he was decent looking and always made me smile/ laugh. The thought of him ever moving on with someone else really hurts....

Decent looking isn’t enough to trade off against ‘can’t wipe arse properly’

Come on op, you must see it. It’s getting more and more obvious that he isn’t the love of your life. Someone deep inside you simply felt you wouldn’t find anyone else and formed this (unrealistic) view of him being perfect because you didn’t want to be alone.

You fooled yourself into thinking he was the one. As time goes on you will realise there was huge red flags and that he wasn’t that interested in being a step parent. I think you ignored the warning signs. He might have been fine interacting with his girlfriends kids. Being a step parent is different.

Olika · 26/07/2023 09:44

I am sorry for what you are going through. I totally understand you are hurt, confused and disappointed as it happened so sudden. I always think I will not meet someone new and as great but I always did. And looking back at those men in my past now I realised they were not the ones it would have worked with and TG those relationships ended in order for me to meet my now husband. They say the person who is right chooses you back and repeating this to myself helped me thru the initial pain and helped me to concentrate on healing before I made myself available for dating again. You are only 38 and you have time to meet someone amazing who will choose you day after day, year after year and who will want to stick around through stepchildren, mortgage and that reality of everyday life after the honeymoon period of a relationship wears out. You deserve a man that chooses you back. Flowers

PaintedEgg · 26/07/2023 09:45

@Lilaclala it sounds like the person you thought you loved doesn't really exist

He is childish, has awful personal hygiene, turned out to be all talk and nothing else, panicked at the thought of commitment...and his only saving grace is that he has made you laugh

im also wondering if he has told you the truth about his previous relationship or was it simply that his ex refused to have sex with him because he literally had feces stuck to his ass and underwear throughout the day!

i just cannot get over this, this is too disgusting...

TheaBrandt · 26/07/2023 10:02

Through my work I meet lots of couples who’ve got together in their 40s and 50s due to divorce or widowed - up together successful attractive people their respective kids all mid teens minimum so it’s less intense to ”take on”

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