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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dumped after 2 years because I have children

339 replies

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:25

2 days ago I was dumped out of the blue by the man I was with for over 2 years. He was fully aware I had children from the start and never made it out to be a problem. He was the love of my life and I felt so lucky to have met him after my ex before him (father of my children) left me for a younger woman. He was kind, funny helpful, attractive and I honestly couldn't have asked for a better relationship. He always said he was committed and that he wanted a long term future with me and my 2 children. Recently we started discussing mortgages and moving in together etc and he seemed happy and positive about it. Then 2 days ago he came round in tears saying that he couldn't see a future with me and my children. He said he'd move in with me in a heartbeat but was worried he wouldn't enjoy his loss of freedom etc and everything he was giving up and that it would cause resentment. Its just so sudden and I feel so confused, hurt and let down. I'm 38 and worried I will never meet someone I love as much as him...

OP posts:
GolgafrinchamB · 23/07/2023 15:37

You need a good spell of being single and self-reliant, so your happiness isn't dependent on a man.

It will be healthier for you and for your children.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/07/2023 16:37

Lilaclala · 23/07/2023 07:59

I know what you're saying. The wanting to replace him comes from my pain and desperately wanting a distraction to lessen the heartbreak. But deep down I know it wouldn't work because it wouldn't be him and he's the only one I want....

You will get over him. You really will. It will take time and yes you will hurt for awhile. But sooner than you think the feelings will start to fade and you'll feel nothing but relief that you dodged a huge bullet.

So for now, it's best not to try and deny our feelings, so just accept that you loved him and are hurt, but try to keep busy. Being busy is the best cure for heartache. And focus on the good things in your life (and there ARE good things, I know) even if they seem like 'small things'.

Give yourself time. And spend some of that time learning to be happy and fulfilled on your own.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 23/07/2023 16:52

Thank you. I know you are right. I am just genuinely worried that I will never meet someone who had all the amazing qualities that he had and that I had such a connection with. I just feel like a zombie. Never had heartbreak like it

OP posts:
Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 23/07/2023 17:35

💐

MissHarrietBede · 23/07/2023 17:43

Again you are focusing on the next man to come along. Take time to grieve, then focus on being happily single for now. Your DCs need you not to be constantly pining for men.

Wheretostartstitching · 23/07/2023 18:03

Lilaclala · 23/07/2023 16:52

Thank you. I know you are right. I am just genuinely worried that I will never meet someone who had all the amazing qualities that he had and that I had such a connection with. I just feel like a zombie. Never had heartbreak like it

I think you need to realise all the pain isn’t heart break.

You consistently come back to ‘I won’t meet someone else’. That’s the fear of being single.

A lot of the feeling you are labelling as ‘heart break’ isn’t about him. It’s about you simply not wanting to be alone.

You don’t like being alone, settled into a feeling that you wouldn’t be again. Now you feel lost. Not just because he was so great. But because he was there and now he isn’t.

You feel scared to be alone. I will say what I said before. In 6 months you will start realising there were signs, but you didn’t want to see them because you feared being alone and it was easier to ignore the warning signs.

toomanyleggings · 23/07/2023 18:08

I’d only give a guy a year at your age to commit. You really just have to accept that you’re not his one. He was probably quite happy bumbling along for now but the talk of moving in has forced his hand. Even if you carried on dating, not living together he’ll still walk in the end because he’s not in love. You’d just be prolonging the inevitable.

GoodVibesHere · 23/07/2023 18:18

Lilaclala · 22/07/2023 11:32

He was quite set in his ways and routine driven. But did he always make time for my children....days out etc. He was very good with them. Its just the suddenness that baffles me. Why say this now after 2 years??

Well you know for yourself that days out are very different to being with kids 24/7.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/07/2023 18:52

Lilaclala · 23/07/2023 16:52

Thank you. I know you are right. I am just genuinely worried that I will never meet someone who had all the amazing qualities that he had and that I had such a connection with. I just feel like a zombie. Never had heartbreak like it

But you are missing my point, love. You need to get to a place where you don't care if you meet someone or not.

You need to learn to be 'sufficient unto yourself'. Learn to be your own 'connection'. Learn to truly understand and rejoice in the fact that you are enough! Because you are! And you have a life that is free, wonderful, and fulfilling on its own.

True happiness doesn't lie within 'having a man'. It lies within ourselves alone.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 23/07/2023 22:09

I think I'm just in shock because I really didn't see it coming and was so out of the blue. Just so confused by his sudden actions when this time last week we were happy.

OP posts:
Sycasmores · 23/07/2023 23:53

It was out of the blue for you...I guarantee you he didn't wake up and think nope, no more. He's not for you OP. Has he asked how your kids are? What you will say to them? He doesn't care about them. Would you want to be with a man who doesn't care about them? A man for whom they represent an obstacle? You're in shock OP but when it's over you'll see he showed you who he really is and it's not compatible with who you need and deserve in your life and more importantly your children's lives.

NoDatingFor0ldMen · 24/07/2023 07:23

Lilaclala · 23/07/2023 22:09

I think I'm just in shock because I really didn't see it coming and was so out of the blue. Just so confused by his sudden actions when this time last week we were happy.

it wouldn’t have been out of the blue for him, he has probably been thinking about it for some while and the sudden realisation of the reality of the situation has hit home for him and you were the last to know

Original poster
Lilaclala · 24/07/2023 08:12

Do you think I should message him one last time to tell him how I'm feeling? About how he ripped my heart in 2 with no warning after making me fall in love with him and leading me to believe we had a positive future? I feel it might be good therapy just to get all my feelings out to him and then leave it at that...?

OP posts:
Wheretostartstitching · 24/07/2023 08:24

Lilaclala · 24/07/2023 08:12

Do you think I should message him one last time to tell him how I'm feeling? About how he ripped my heart in 2 with no warning after making me fall in love with him and leading me to believe we had a positive future? I feel it might be good therapy just to get all my feelings out to him and then leave it at that...?

Why?

What does that achieve?

Raging at him and tell him how he broke your heart is going to do what?

in a few months you will feel embarrassed that you laid yourself bare to him after he told you it was over.

What do you want him to do with that information? If he is just an arse who planned this all along, knew it wasn’t going anywhere. It carried on….he simply won’t care.

If he genuinely thought he could do it, but realised he can’t and feels awful. Making him feel worse for your feelings won’t help either.

It’s not going to bring him back or talk him round. And even if it did, it’s going to end up with him leaving again.

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 24/07/2023 08:28

You want him to stay with you because of what ? Guilt , sympathy ?

toomanyleggings · 24/07/2023 08:33

No. Have some dignity.

saraclara · 24/07/2023 09:31

Lilaclala · 24/07/2023 08:12

Do you think I should message him one last time to tell him how I'm feeling? About how he ripped my heart in 2 with no warning after making me fall in love with him and leading me to believe we had a positive future? I feel it might be good therapy just to get all my feelings out to him and then leave it at that...?

If you do that you'll only be convincing him that his decision was right.

However genuinely felt, messages like that just come across as unhinged to the reader and he'll think he's dodged a bullet.

Sunsetandsunrise · 24/07/2023 09:47

Agree with pp and not sure you’re taking in the advice about learning to be happy with yourself and focusing on your children as well as protecting them.

your ex has cited the kids as the reason why he wants to end it and that may be a large part but it may also because he gets a sense of dependency/desperation from you. Or if he doesn’t he will if you send that sort of text.

I know when I get dependency vibes from someone it puts me off because I wonder do they just want me because they need me as a crutch to get through life or do they actually value me for me?

I’d prefer to be with someone who sees me as a life enhancement, rather than a person whose happiness is wrapped up in me completely.

That said, heartbreak is hard but it won’t always feel this raw. Take some time out and focus on you and your family. Try creating a life and world for all of you which doesn’t depend on a knight in shining armour coming along.

Sunsetandsunrise · 24/07/2023 09:50

and btw if you want to pour your heart out for therapy why not write in a journal or write him a letter but don’t actually send it to him? Just put it away and maybe in a year or so time revisit it and see how much you’ve grown and healed.

PaintedEgg · 24/07/2023 10:11

@Lilaclala I've read all your posts and while I understand you're in shock, you will need to slow down and think about reality of this relationship.

You've described him as this perfect person and the relationship as extremely happy and equally perfect.

Sometimes the desire alone to make things work blinds us to the reality that they don't and may never work.

Nobody is perfect - he may be a decent guy, but perhaps he is a bit on the dreamer side. He wanted that family / living together, but then the reality of being a step-father hit him and it was too much. Maybe he have had doubts before but hid them or you have ignored the signs

For example - he never had any children and has told you that ship has sailed for him. At 40 that's only due to choice, not his age. Maybe he liked the idea of family unit and playdates with kids, but this it was nothing but a make-belief and when he really thought about it he had no desire to make it into reality. To put it bluntly - if he ever wanted children, he'd have his own by now.

Ofcourseshecan · 24/07/2023 10:26

Sunsetandsunrise · 24/07/2023 09:50

and btw if you want to pour your heart out for therapy why not write in a journal or write him a letter but don’t actually send it to him? Just put it away and maybe in a year or so time revisit it and see how much you’ve grown and healed.

Write it all into a journal — that’s such good advice. (Maybe not a letter in case you give in to the temptation to send it.) Pour out all your pain, anger, loss, heartbreak. Then turn the page on him and start your new life, without a hurtful man in it.

Keep journalling as you go along, if you wish, recording each victory, each upward step.

A year from now you will read those first pages and perhaps wonder how you could have loved a shallow man so much.

Best of luck, Lilaclala. Most of us here know how it hurts. Xx

Original poster
Lilaclala · 24/07/2023 12:18

PaintedEgg · 24/07/2023 10:11

@Lilaclala I've read all your posts and while I understand you're in shock, you will need to slow down and think about reality of this relationship.

You've described him as this perfect person and the relationship as extremely happy and equally perfect.

Sometimes the desire alone to make things work blinds us to the reality that they don't and may never work.

Nobody is perfect - he may be a decent guy, but perhaps he is a bit on the dreamer side. He wanted that family / living together, but then the reality of being a step-father hit him and it was too much. Maybe he have had doubts before but hid them or you have ignored the signs

For example - he never had any children and has told you that ship has sailed for him. At 40 that's only due to choice, not his age. Maybe he liked the idea of family unit and playdates with kids, but this it was nothing but a make-belief and when he really thought about it he had no desire to make it into reality. To put it bluntly - if he ever wanted children, he'd have his own by now.

He wanted children when he was with his ex but had impotence problems (that he never had with me) and they split up before it managed to happen. He was then single for a few years before he met me. I don't know if he was saying that his ship had sailed because he knew I had children and didn't want any more. He never expressed a desire to have his own child with me.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 24/07/2023 13:50

then maybe he still wants his own children. or maybe he doesn't want any at all

maybe he wants a committed, but childless relationship

or maybe there are some other things you dont know about

what you need to do is take it as a lesson for the future - sending him messages about your broken heart will only make you feel worse in the long run

AcrossthePond55 · 24/07/2023 18:17

Lilaclala · 24/07/2023 08:12

Do you think I should message him one last time to tell him how I'm feeling? About how he ripped my heart in 2 with no warning after making me fall in love with him and leading me to believe we had a positive future? I feel it might be good therapy just to get all my feelings out to him and then leave it at that...?

No. He knows what he did hurt you and no matter how it feels to you, he made the right decision for himself. I know it's hard to swallow, but you have to accept that.

I think you need to back away from the mindset of 'he made me fall in love' and 'he led me to believe'. We are responsible for our own feelings, no matter how another person behaves or what they say. And he may very well have believed the things he said at the time he was saying them. It's just when it got 'too real' he realized that what he thought he wanted wasn't really what he wanted at all.

I had my heart smashed to pieces in my 20s, but in the long run (after therapy) I realized that although he spoke all the right words and may even have been 'sincere' at the very beginning, in the end I was responsible for my own feelings, not him. And I also learnt that there were small signs that I ignored along the way. It's not to place any blame on you or make you feel foolish, but it is a sign that we need to work on ourselves. We are not 'wrong' for taking a man at face value, but we need to accept the ending if it happens and learn from it when it does.

It won't be 'good therapy' for you to contact him, it will only cause you more pain when he doesn't respond or simply says "I'm sorry you feel that way". And no matter how much you're telling yourself you just want to 'say your truth' the real truth is that you are hoping for a reaction from him. Or worse, the hope that he'll see 'the error of his ways'. If you want to say your truth, say it to a good counselor.

Elektra1 · 25/07/2023 13:50

Speaking as someone whose spouse recently left me for someone else - citing the stress of living with my 2 (now uni age) children as one of the main reasons - I'd say you have dodged a bullet. 9 years I wasted on this relationship, and we had another child together as well. So now that child's family life is broken.

It is really sad, all the "what ifs?". But bottom line: your kids are your kids and living with someone who doesn't want to be a decent step-parent would not be in their best interests.

There are plenty of people who are more than willing to be with someone who has kids, and when you're ready, you'll find the right person. Don't compromise your children's well-being for someone who isn't up to the job.