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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just found ive been cheated on

701 replies

babygirl88 · 21/07/2023 21:01

After 6 years. My partners in the shower, i tapped his phone and saw another womans whatsapp message with an explicit message.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
Hiddenvoice · 15/10/2023 07:47

Op I posted on this ages ago and must have missed your updates. I’m so sorry this man has come back into your life.

All that’s in my head is that if he really loved you, was really sorry and really wanted this to work then he would have been in proper contact sooner . I really don’t believe that he genuinely thought you were getting and ignoring his messages. Any person who is in love would have stupidly turned up at the door or even posted a letter through the door to find out what’s going on.

It feels to me that he’s been having a bit of fun with Hollie and now she’s sent him packing and he’s returning to you. You don’t deserve that, you are not second best, you are not the comfortable option and you are not going to pick up the pieces and help him.

He did what he did and it shocks me that he’s blaming being a man for acting like that. Not all men message other women. Not all men sleep with someone else and for it to be meaningless.

Set backs are normal. You’re still grieving the relationship you thought you had and the future you were expecting. Use this experience as a chance to feel relieved that you said what you wanted fo say. You kept calm and didn’t shout. You were the bigger person.

Please make sure you block this other number.

you’ll get through this!

oakleaffy · 15/10/2023 08:37

Babygirl888 · 14/10/2023 23:08

I have supported every single stage and phase this man has put me through, from getting his first moped, first job, work, buying houses, lifestyle, health and i have steadfast stood next to him. I have listened to graphic details of relationships he has while we were broken up. I believe he is regretful and sorry which is hard to listen to. I am back to hour by hour healing which is a shame.

Holy Moly, @babygirl88 He is ONLY THINKING OF HIMSELF!
when I was going through stuff like you are, I had older women telling me ''he's no good , he'll keep you dangling for ever, cooling off, having affairs, coming back''..

Can you believe I actually thought these women were Jealous?
I thought ''They are trying to put me off him because they don't have a nice looking partner like him''

But as time passed, I could see what they could see- and they were Correct.

He could have kept me on a line like a fish for years- decades! -

IF he really loved you that much, no way in heck would he have done that.
You'd have been married and settled.

You sound like you have supported him tremendously, and he has treated you badly.

I hope for your sake you can keep strong, or you'll be fifty, sixty and he'll be STILL treating you like a ''support'' while dallying with younger women.

Only heartache and frustration lies with this man- but it was a given that he'd try to reel you back in -because that's what men like him do- it's just so utterly predictable.

Meanwhile- you are missing out on a true happiness with a wholesome partner in the future.

Previous poster was correct- you were healing, and his re-appearance has knocked the scab off the wound- but woulds heal again.

oakleaffy · 15/10/2023 08:41

Hiddenvoice · 15/10/2023 07:47

Op I posted on this ages ago and must have missed your updates. I’m so sorry this man has come back into your life.

All that’s in my head is that if he really loved you, was really sorry and really wanted this to work then he would have been in proper contact sooner . I really don’t believe that he genuinely thought you were getting and ignoring his messages. Any person who is in love would have stupidly turned up at the door or even posted a letter through the door to find out what’s going on.

It feels to me that he’s been having a bit of fun with Hollie and now she’s sent him packing and he’s returning to you. You don’t deserve that, you are not second best, you are not the comfortable option and you are not going to pick up the pieces and help him.

He did what he did and it shocks me that he’s blaming being a man for acting like that. Not all men message other women. Not all men sleep with someone else and for it to be meaningless.

Set backs are normal. You’re still grieving the relationship you thought you had and the future you were expecting. Use this experience as a chance to feel relieved that you said what you wanted fo say. You kept calm and didn’t shout. You were the bigger person.

Please make sure you block this other number.

you’ll get through this!

@babygirl88
Please read this but of advice over and over.
It's the truth.

@Hiddenvoice Beautiful post.

billy1966 · 15/10/2023 09:08

So much good advice.

One thing to remind you of is your own words.

You ARE in a cyclical relationship with him.

He will ALWAYS become restless, look for external gratification, want the greener grass, feel entitled to have some fun and then revert to calling @babygirl88 because that is your dynamic with him.

You are his comfortably old shoe that gives him zero trouble, always there for his day to day needs.

But every so often he wants to go out and find a shiny new pair and have a good time.

THIS is who he is.

A liar, a user, a moody man who is abusive towards you by virture he has you walking on eggshells.

He has had his fun, but your familiarity suits him now for another bit, so hence he is back sniffing around you after happily having no contact for months.

It couldn't be clearer and you know it.

If you allow him to return you are very knowingly entering into yet ANOTHER cycle of this until the NEXT time he needs a break from his old shoe.

Sorry if that is harsh but it is the bald truth.

There are women who accept crumbs of relationships like this and waste 40 years, hollow shells of themselves as they hop on and off the merry-go-round of being used.

Used by a man who have never thought one woman was enough for them, and have always believed they are 100% entitled to a break from their old shoe to go exploring their options.

If you engage with this snake again, you cannot pretend your future hasn't been spelt out to you.

He will be back for sure with his tears, begging for another chance to use you.

His old shoe is useful, adored him, let him behave like a moody little prick and bent herself out of shape trying to please him.

Of course he wants his old comfy shoe back to use.....until the next time he needs a break.

The only thing you can be sure of, is that there will be a next time.

PierceMorgansChin · 15/10/2023 09:37

I have been following your thread. You sound like a martyr, a willing one. You keep saying how much you did for him, ran his business, his finances, he confided in you. Congratulations, you are his personal assistant/house manager. You are late thirties, not married no children. You have unhealthy obsession with some prick who is having sex with different women. There will be more women, he is good looking with money. Maybe as he ages he will decide to settle down, but it won't be with you. You are so convinced you are the perfect partner for him and have this unbreakable bond, years of history and know him better than any woman ever will. Yet he is absolutely fine not being in contact for months. Wake up and run

oakleaffy · 15/10/2023 13:44

@babygirl88 There are far more eloquent women than me on here- please listen to them.

Don’t be that sad, hollow old shoe at sixty.

You deserve SO MUCH MORE than this prick.
@billy1966
@PierceMorgansChin
Very good rock solid advice.
painful but so accurate.
My divorce solicitor said years ago the tragedies are the 50/60 yr olds who stuck with a faithless man like this.
He saw the bitter regret of a wasted emotional life.

Don’t be a Martyr.
You WILL be happy again if you keep away from this toxic user.
Don’t be that comfy shoe.
be the sharp stiletto that walks away for good👠👠

JudyEdithPerry · 15/10/2023 23:23

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

trixylittlehobbit · 16/10/2023 22:09

@babygirl88 hey, are you ok? We are all worried about you, hoping you are strong enough not to cave in.
You are better than him and worth so much more. X

Itistimeandiamscared · 17/10/2023 05:51

@Babygirl888 @babygirl88 , just checking in. How are you? Has he been in touch again?

Tilllly · 17/10/2023 07:30

@Babygirl888 please check in, I'm worried about you

JudyEdithPerry · 17/10/2023 15:35

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

allmyliesaretrue · 17/10/2023 17:18

Hope you're ok @babygirl88 x

oakleaffy · 17/10/2023 21:53

Hi @babygirl88 Really hope you are ok. People here are supporting you as they too have been through what you are enduring now.
Best wishes.

trixylittlehobbit · 18/10/2023 10:31

@babygirl88
Please just pop a line on so we know you’re ok 😘

allmyliesaretrue · 26/10/2023 20:48

@babygirl88 I do hope all is well x

mirrorimage2 · 26/10/2023 20:59

Hi all, previous poster (namechanged since posting on this thread)

Me and babygirl are in contact via whatsapp after messaging her privately.

She has deleted her account but i told her people were asking after her and she gave me permission to update.

The ex did turn up to her house after the phonecall. Initially was very apologetic, came with gifts and all the right words. When babygirl questioned a few things he turned (imo) extremley vicious, admitted many other infidelities she had no idea about and told her she wasnt good enough to be with him and left her in a worse state than before.

She wasnt up to her holiday so stayed home and shes not as responsive since the last incident.

Will pass on well wishes.

billy1966 · 26/10/2023 21:12

God love her.

She didn't seem to have fully absorbed just how abusive her relationship was all along.

She walked on eggshells for so long.

For him to turn vicious is consistent with his abusive behaviour.

He would be outraged at her daring to challenge his awful behaviour.

He really does believe she is there to be used and abused.

I hope the realisation of just how unfaithful and what a filthy slag of a man he is, resonates with her.

I hope she gets herself checked out for STI's as so many can lie dormant.

He really is scum.

She deserves so much better, if only she could realise thhat.

mirrorimage2 · 26/10/2023 21:23

I dont want to speak on her behalf more than she allowed me to but what I will say is, she is beautiful. Tiny and tanned, curly long hair, long eyelashes and perfect teeth.

Nobody should go through what this prick has put her through but she really could have her pick of anyone and is so frustrating that this was her path and she has no self worth because of him. She asked me honestly what was so repulsive about her that he chose to do these things to her. Its heartbreaking. I know she is in contact with a few others on here who im sure will confirm how lovely she is.

Since we started talking beginning of sept she is constantly bunged up because she's been crying and spends most of her time sleeping. She sent me screenshots of some of the messages he sent her and i was disgusted to be honest.

Im trying to support her best i can but she is really hit and miss with her phone and sometimes doesnt reply for a while, understandably.

Will keep a watch on here and pass on any messages i think will help her.

Itistimeandiamscared · 27/10/2023 01:37

Thanks for the update.

Really sorry to hear this.
She is really really lucky to be shot of him. I hope he doesn't come back. She needs time to heal.

I am glad she has support from on here. We are all rooting for her.

allmyliesaretrue · 27/10/2023 01:54

Ahhh no, tell her to come back because lots of people here care!! I know it's anonymous but sometimes you get invested.

I would love her to kick the bastard where it hurts!! I'd love to do it for her!

She has so much love and support on here - she needs to come back xx

trixylittlehobbit · 27/10/2023 08:43

sorry to hear this, it had felt that she was getting better while he was off the scene.
The audacity of him, to turn up with gifts, when it suits him after what he put her through, only to make her feel worthless again.
The only good to come from this is that she has now seen his true colours for herself, and I’m hoping it changes something inside for her, that makes him repulsive to her.

She deserves so much more.
Tell her we all care because we’ve been there and we feel nothing but empathy.

At least on here she had somewhere to vent.
Sending her a big hug (pass it on please!@mirrorimage2 ) x

JudyEdithPerry · 28/10/2023 00:37

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

oakleaffy · 28/10/2023 12:06

@mirrorimage2 I had a horrible feeling that Babygirl had been sucked back in by his pathetic Scrote manipulative ways-

I’m just so sorry this happened to her.
NOT entirely unexpected though.

However- Hopefully she now realises what a boil on the arse of humanity he is- and can heal herself.

She sounds a lovely person, and also very attractive from your description-
I feel so angry on her behalf.

Babygirl, I really think this has shown you what he truly is.

You deserve so much more.

Please keep checking back.

Xx

oakleaffy · 28/10/2023 12:18

@babygirl88 @mirrorimage2
Good therapy.
Babygirl has been emotionally abused.
These scrotes seek to undermine their often beautiful partners, to belittle them.

Horrible, cowardly behaviour unworthy of a decent human being.
These aren’t men but little creepy cowards.

allmyliesaretrue · 28/10/2023 14:30

@babygirl88 if you haven’t already, please seek out some counselling. This fucking bastard has really done a number on you, and you need support to get the healing process under way.

No man is worth you feeling this bad! I am worried about you sweetheart.

I am glad you have people supporting you.

That pondscum is not fit to lick your feet.

Sending big squishy hugs! At least now you have the measure of him, you can begin to heal and move on with your life xx

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