Just found ive been cheated on

[babygirl88]

After 6 years. My partners in the shower, i tapped his phone and saw another womans whatsapp message with an explicit message.

Thank you both @Itistimeandiamscared @JudyEdithPerry i am reading but im a bit dazed at the moment somnot in the right place to respond.

Nobody can say harsher than ive said to myself, or hearing that the man i love has slept with that woman and is speaking to another. I almost felt sorry for him as its showing insecurity and ego on his part that he cant sit alone.. destruction then regret.

Please don’t take him back, you will be a doormat for him and he will continue to cheat. Stay strong! Don’t let all those tears and pain over 12 weeks be for nothing

Hi, I realise I’m much older than most on here but you seem a wise bunch. My second marriage, been with my husband for 14 years. I suspect he’s seeing someone at work. Every Friday he wears very smart shirt, favourite socks, best pants ( he suffers with OCD, so very easy to spot when he behaves differently to his normal work wear). He sometimes gets home very late but blames traffic. Most weeks, he starts the week with £120 cash and most weeks , the day after cashing money, £80 has gone. He has become very generous with me. Buying me anything I want ( I want very little) and I mostly refuse as I wonder if he is salving his conscience. I’ve confronted him about my fears but he answers with one word - “no”. I feel like my emotions are spiralling out of control. He won’t talk about anything. What’s the best way to track his movements without him knowing? I’m getting evidence together and hope I’m wrong but I’m not saying anything else until I know either way what’s going on. I hate myself for being suspicious but also hate the thought that he may be leading a double life .

Also wanted to add that he told me he’s happiest when at work. He is obsessing about his physique and weight, has started dressing more flamboyantly which is not like him

You need to start your own thread.

@DWM start your own thread then people can help you. You sound so upset, so do that asap.

For all we know, Hollie found out about the other woman and gave him his marching orders. Or she got fed up of how he treated her and gave him his marching orders.
Do not accept sloppy seconds @babygirl88 !!
Everything he says, may contain some truth but it won’t be the whole truth.
He will say now whatever he needs to in order to get back in your life…. Only to treat you like shit.
You kinda need to look at your situation from above, like an out of body experience, watching how he treats you from an outsiders perspective. No time for sentiment!

Would you allow a friend to be treated this way by a man without saying something?

You have come so far. It would be so easy to allow him an inch for him to say all the right things and wheedle his way back into your life.
But you will never be able to forgive him for 2 months of pain and suffering, and he as a narcissist will not change.

Im almost pleased he’s got in touch… this is your test now, to show him your self worth. And you’re worth much more than him! Well done! Xx

@babygirl88 I KNEW he’d try and hoover you back in-
I mentioned it in my earlier posts to you.

It’s what toxic men like this DO.
He’s probably feeling lonely, or Hollie told him to eff off-
You have been so strong!
To allow him to worm his way back in now, those 77 days of pain and healing will count for nothing.

I allowed a worm back in, but he was unfaithful AGAIN- after that, absolutely not.

He too tried to phone.

I’m so glad I regained my self respect- as you are doing.

Keep strong!

HG Tudor on you tube warns of “ Hoovering “ back the victim-

But this time you are stronger.

All power to you!!

Agree with all you say.
This is a test for Babygirl.

Hollie probably kicked him out- so he wants to pick up with Babygirl again.
Soooo predictable!

I cant lie. I am in absolute pieces again. Breathings fast, hearts been racing since the phone call, brain is scrambled. I held my own and glad i spoke when we did as - of course it was emotional - but i could get my points across calmly, it wasnt clouded with shouting or heat of the moment. This is a huge set back for me and im really struggling since the call.

Yes, when they attempt to “ Hoover” you back in, and they are contrite and apologetic- and flattering!- it’s tempting to give it another go

But please don’t! Not if you value your sanity.
They soon get bored again , and want the thrill of a new partner …
“She was nothing to me”
I found it useful to think of the other women and the sloppy seconds as other poster mentions- Yuck!
No thanks!

He’s leapfrogging from one woman to another- and he knows you “ Loved” him- so he probably thinks “
Babygirl is besotted with me- she’s grateful for crumbs from
my table”

Except Babygirl isn’t wanting crumbs any more!

Yes, it’s a headfuck when they try and wheedle their way in- but within weeks they revert to old behaviour.

If he was so in love with you , why did he not only cheat with Hollie but also another woman ?? He mentioned another woman he hooked up with didn’t he?
It also doesn’t take three months, if you’re truly sorry and gutted. Bet he’s been having the time of his life with these women while you’ve been in pieces.
no doubt they’ve chucked him now.
He will keep cheating on you

Setbacks are all part of the healing process. It was bound to happen the first time you came in to contact with him again.
Take your time. Feel the feelings, do the crying... in a few days you will find your strength again and be further along in the healing process.
Do not go back to him.

@babygirl88
its a set back…. but it’s not like that initial discovery that left you feeling physically sick…
He’s put you through hell and back and now he has the fucking nerve to speak to you??? Now, when it suits him?
Not when you were reeling, and going insane and at your lowest?
No, he couldn’t face that…. Because he’s a yellow, cold, narcissistic, cheating, fake weasel.
It’s human to want to feel appreciated and loved, but if he really appreciated and loved you he wouldn’t have put you through this world of misery.
And as has been said….it didn’t just take him his fling with Hollie to ‘come to his senses’, it took a fling with another woman too. And I bet my last quid he only told you that because there’s a chance you’d have found out down the line…
I know I sound harsh…. but been there done that. He’s a liar and a cheat.
He can never change that. Someone that was supposed to love you more than anything and have your back, is the same one who broke you and kicked you to the gutter.

Remember, he’s a weasel! And you’re mending! I’d love to see his weaselly face when he finds out you are holidaying without him!

Ok. I had a massive meltdown today and with all my heart really thought i was going to go back this morning. I just miss him.

I rushed my post after he called and i didnt make much sense.

He said he met her a week before i found the message at a suppliers. He slept with her once, a month ago apparently. He said it was unprotected. He said he hasnt spoke to her since and then mentioned he was talking to another person but 'didnt know what he was doing and is obviously acting out of ego and trying to fill the gap i left' i said you made the gap, i was happy and wasnt looking elsewhere so thats on you.

He said nobody compares to me and men can do this and it just doesnt mean anything, he knows where his heart is. Im perfect and beautiful and better than any woman he's ever know blah blah. He said he that he was disgusted with himself and i didnt deserve that. But also 'i did kit out your whole house, id never so much as buy a bean for anyone else'..

He apologised hundreds of times and said i was a different calibre of woman and he is ashamed. I am the only one he wants to be with and his recent actions have made him realise this and he cant imagine his life with me not in it and he loves every minute he spends with me and how can i doubt that.. i said because the last time we sat together, you were holding me with one hand and texting a woman with the other 🙄

My issue isnt the sex he had. We werent together. It was the intention with the texting in the first place and that for 80odd days, i wasnt worth a post it note through my door to say sorry, but he has found the time to speak to two women and have sex with one. I said 'name one time in nearly 20 years that ive hurt you' he said he cant think of any besides me blocking him.. he obviously cant remember why i blocked..

I didnt ask any questions, this was all off his own back. He said 'i could lie and pretend i havent done anything, but i have and ive told you everything'. like he's done me a favour. He wanted to come and see me and basically start again.

I said we are different breeds of people because while ive been waiting for an apology and grieving you, you had unprotected sex. I also said that women will see your big house, multiple cars and motorbikes and work out you have money and will trap you, its very reckless behavious and disgusting tbh and you should treat your own body with more respect.

He swears blind he did nothing but 'text women' while with me, never touched one. I do believe that. He does usually admit things, moreso because he doesnt care, rather than for his own conscience. He added that 'he's not hard up for women' i wanted to say, ok maybe people find you attractive and cool, but you're horrible to be with and will never maintain anything as you have bad intentions and a wandering eye.

His words really affected me, all ive wanted to hear is that he's missed me and i wasnt forgotten. Neither of us will ever be able to forget eachother, its been half our lives we've been together.

He's realised. Again. The grass isnt greener. He doesnt tell anybody anything regarding his business/ family / work / feelings and he trusts me impicitily with everything. Ive always managed his money and his accounts and treated his family like my own. Ive never asked for a single thing as i have my own money. I think its hitting home that he had a really good woman behind him.

He was happy with me but not enough as he felt the need to stroke his ego with other women, so i let him go, didnt contact him, let him live his single life exactly how he wanted - just what he wanted. And after not that long really, he's back again. He doesnt know what he wants, he has me and doesnt want me, doesnt have me and wants me.

Theres only so much one woman can take. It took everything in my to say no when he asked to see me. Absolutely everything.

The call ended with him saying 'unblock me, we can at least be friends' and i put the phone down while he was still talking.

I dont know whats going to happen next, if he will try again. I hope not because i feel as shit as i did when this all happened in july.

I have supported every single stage and phase this man has put me through, from getting his first moped, first job, work, buying houses, lifestyle, health and i have steadfast stood next to him. I have listened to graphic details of relationships he has while we were broken up. I believe he is regretful and sorry which is hard to listen to. I am back to hour by hour healing which is a shame.

I am so desperate to break this bond i feel. I do my part. I stay away. I try to heal. I leave him to it. But i always feel.. 😞

He's telling you all these sordid details about other relationships to hurt and control you. He's a nasty, manipulative man. I think you must know on some level that he doesn't really love you (at least not the way you deserve to be loved) because he couldn't have done all of these things to you if he did, and would realise that actually the kindest thing to do would be to let you go. Don't answer calls from unknown numbers, get a Ring doorbell so you can see if it's him at the door, and tell friends and family so they can help you be strong too. Good luck, it's so hard.

Like you said before it's like breaking an addiction. You've been exposed to your addictive substance again which makes it so hard to say no.

As stupid as i might sound. I dont think he's ever woken up and said 'im gonna hurt babygirl today' i dont think he means to at all. But im starting to think he just doesnt care enough not to hurt me.

@OhwhyOY exactly that. i feel like an ex drug addict and ive just had some posted through my letterbox..

Good for you @babygirl88. You held your own with him. You couldn't have done that weeks ago - look how far you've come.

He's pondscum, not worth wasting another second of your time on him. At least you got to have your say. Do not let him suck you back in again because a leopard does not change its spots! x

Just read your update. Please don't believe this lying snake. He had absolutely had sex with Hollie before you found out about it - he is trying to manipulate you. And how many Hollies have there been before that you never found out about?

Even if he was 'only texting' women - my god, you are better than that? All these years and he's made no commitment to you. He is never going to. You darling deserve so much more!!

Remember all the weeks he left you alone and in pain, and made no contact! This is not the action of a decent man. Don't in a million years consider letting him back into your life!!! x