Just found ive been cheated on

[babygirl88]

After 6 years. My partners in the shower, i tapped his phone and saw another womans whatsapp message with an explicit message.

@Itistimeandiamscared thank you. it was getting silly. i was spending 40minutes on hold to check things with people when i couldve just looked through my photos for it. I have very avoidant behaviour when somethings hurt me and i just block everything out, but it was time. I felt really restricted having them on my phone. Im glad i did it. Im can feel im starting to heal, i wouldnt say im happy by any means but im in a better place.

@Littlemisslonley i'll message you, we can chat, we're obviously both very lonely and could use a friend 🙂 if you want of course!

Its been 77 days now. Never thought id be able to break away. I took so many different forms of disrespect over the years but what happend in july was the breaking point for me, it was so calculated and thought out, i couldnt look at him the same anymore even if i wanted to.

OP…getting rid of those photos is a huge step and evidences how much you are emotionally separating from him! Fab! Well done! I’m really sentimental, took me a while to get rid of photos!

Get doing yoga….yes, the women there will know each other and may not speak straight away but new ladies (or men!) will join over time and they’ll be the new ones. I’m sure you don’t come over that way but if you’re aware you might, that’s something to work on.
Im not shy but I’m not socially confident…. Just say hello to people as you walk in, or a smile.
I used to hate eye contact but just a smile and look away if you don’t feel you can speak.
I do most things on my own, as I’m single with 2 young kids. Walking, amateur theatre, coffee shops. I’m used to it now and I certainly enjoy going to plays on my own.
is your holiday soon? X

@trixylittlehobbit im soooo sentimental aswell! i have an ashtray on the window sill in the kitchen (he smoked, i dont) its right in my eyeline when i wash the dishes and i look at it alot, theres a tiny bit of ash in there still and i havent emptied it. Sometimes i look at it and smile because his hands have held it before, other times i look away and cry because his hands held it before. Scratch on the worktop where he didnt use a chopping board, sometimes it makes me do a little laugh cos its such a him thing to have done, other times i put a towel over the scratch and walk away.

My holiday is the end of october 🙂 im really looking forward to it x

Put the ashtray in the bin. And see if you want to leave it there or pick it out.
my friends told me to say ‘yes’ to everything. It was the best advice. Yes to everything that comes your way (within reason)!

Update. He just called. A number i didnt have saved.

I am shaking and feel sick and freezing cold.

And you spoke to him?

Maybe you need to ignore any number you don’t recognise and ask someone you trust to listen to the message?

Just remember how well you’ve done. Your last posts sounded as though you were starting to get through this. Don’t let him back in. It’s like a trauma really so don’t let him retraumatise you.

I was sleeping so answered on sleepy instinct rather than logic.

He has been calling and texting. Over 300 times he said. He thought the imessages were delivering as it said delivered even though he's blocked. I said well you know where my house is etc and he said he didnt want to cause a scene. Bollocks, you were too busy banging Hollie. He said he only slept with her for the first time a month ago apparently.

He apologised a million times and said it was the highest level of disrespect. I am more than enough woman for any man, the best and he is eternally sorry. He said he misses me and wants to see me. 12 weeks of emotion came out and i said what i wanted.

I wasnt angry but i did say everything i wanted. He did sound really sorry and regretful but he kept saying things that rubbed me the wrong way.

He said men can do these things and it doesnt mean anything... shes a nobody (but still slept with her). Nobody gets treated better than me. I said well if i get treated the best, i pray you dont treat anyone badly cos how you treat me is disgusting. He said sleeping with her made him realise what he had, but also told me he's been to another woman recently.... i said so go call her or hollie.

He also asked me if ive seen anyone else. In my head i thought, i cant even get out of bed without antidepressants or eat a full meal 12 weeks later. I just said 'not your business'

He asked if i had missed him and i said i had missed him every minute of the day but i deserve better. He asked to see me or at least unblock him and be friends and i said 'people im friends with dont act the way you act or treat people how you do'.

OP, I hope you will continue to protect yourself.

You were in a highly abusive controlling relationship with a moody man who you walked on eggshells with.

You were so conditioned by him that you are only beginning to come out of the controlling fog you were under.

Reread your thread if you doubt yourself.

He doesn't really give a damn about you but no doubts misses controlling you and living in your home.

It would be desperately sad if you were to revert back to being his victim.

You have given him far too many years already.

He also said he was angry at ME. I said why. Apparently because i didnt confront him there and then. I laughed and said your first defence would have been 'why did you look at my phone' and you know it. He read the messages he sent that night after i text him that i knew and it was apologies and admittal from him - obviously i didnt receive them.

I said what you did is foul and shows your character. I have idolised you and loved you for half my life and you chose to do this and now you cant find better, you want to come back.

He will call again, i know he will.

The timing is so random. I was just starting to get to the stage when i wasnt crying everyday, its like he has a radar.

I said every car that drives past, my ears prick up. Every door knock for months i hope its you. And you're out banging Hollie. 💔

I haven't commented before but I have been following your thread. I was so very glad to see you slowly breaking free from this very toxic man who has controlled all of your adult life. A man whose presence in your life has prevented you from ever being in a genuine, caring relationship between two equals.

Please don't let him back in. I doubt very much he was trying to contact you. He was just waiting you out, sure you would cave in as you always did in the past. Meanwhile, he was enjoying sleeping about - something he had no problem telling you about. Because it 'means nothing'. But he does care if you were with anyone. First because he thinks you belong to him, one of his many possessions. And secondly because he knows that for you it would mean something.

Remember with the Hollie situation, it wasn't the cheating that hurt the most. It was the fact that the man who doesn't do texting was happily texting/sexting someone who 'meant nothing'. And I doubt very much this was his first time.

Please don't let him draw you back in. This man is not your friend, he doesn't care for you. He shows you no respect. He just thinks he owns you, you are good for his ego. Give yourself the greatest gift - you are enough, let him go.

I said that to him. Its not what you did, its that you barely texted me and i just accepted it yet on my birthday celebration you stone cold sober and conciously messaged Hollie. He just kept saying he doesnt know what he was thinking, its disgusting and unacceptable.

Im so shocked and confused.

Block that number too. Don't answer calls from a number you don't recognise, and if he does get through to you, cut the call off.

At least you've said your piece now. You don't need to ever speak to him again.

Hold firm xx

I dont have any more to say to him. He apologised and i accepted it. He asked to come and see me now and i said no which ive never said no before. I explained my side which he could see 100%. But i cant accept his actions after that day, choosing her to sleep with of all people, and not coming here to explain or apologise. Its been 12 weeks.

Oops - *sleeping around.

And i said utter bollocks about the causing a scene, ive never so much as raised my voice at you. If i wanted a scene i wouldve caused one that night or since. I havent sent a single message as much as ive wanted to. Hollie passed his time for a bit, wasnt better, and he's using a scene as an excuse. Its not my nature.

I feel really confused

@babygirl88 , this always happens - that phonecall/or text or turning up st your foor, work etc. And when you least expect.
I am actually glad it has happened now than further down the line. I think these incidents are necessary for the healing process. Initially, it's a joy and a pain...then the adrenaline wears off and the bare facts of his actions and the frank truth of the situation remain. In that moment, you can see how much you have healed, how much you want to continue healing, how much better you actually are without him and how much closer you are to a different..better type of future than the one you would have had with him.
So let's look at this, he says the messages he sent you after the text message you sent him were full of admission and apologies but he still maintained a relationship with this Hollie and slept with her 8 weeks after you found out! If we are to believe him that he 'only' slept with her once 4 weeks ago.
He did all this all the time he was sending you hundreds of messages, where he had apparently sent messages of admission and apologies!
And you were literally breaking, falling apart and pining for him like crazy.

In the same conversation where he is apparently trying to win you back, where after sleeping with hollie and realising what he has lost ( again if we are to believe him), he askes you if you have missed him, (needs his starving ego fed), then askes you if you have slept with anyone (trying to subconsciously remind you that he owns you) and then tells you he has recently slept with someone else ( letting you know your place). And this is after he supposedly realised what he has lost in you after sleeping with hollie.

@babygirl88 , please don't go back to this ridiculous specimen.
Please, take the lesson from this contact he made which is to further progress your healing AWAY from him.
RUN.

@babygirl88 , do not try to rationalise what he has said or did or does.
You will not only be confused, you will run mad.
He is no good for you.
You are right, he will ring again. I would not be surprised if he actually turns up on your doorstep next time. Block that number.

You told him you had missed him, he doesn't hear it as you are now so strong as to be able to be honest with him without fear that he will take it as a 'i want you back'. What he hears is that he has still got a chance.
And with the assurance that you will not cause a scene, he is now going to push hard to get back with you. I guess the last 12 weeks has shown him that Hollie wasn't available for his brand of abuse. And now that you have seen him for what he really is, neither are you.

He has always known you wouldn't cause a scene because he knows you.
But because he knows he had made a big mistake, he had that small doubt. And as abusers regularly do, he has made out that it is your fault he couldn't come to your door to speak with you. The sole purpose - to put you on the back foot and have you defending yourself that you wouldn't cause a scene because that is not your nature. And immediately, he has his assurance.

I do apologise if my delivery of these points seem harsh. I don't mean to be.