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Original poster

Do you think you should feel like your DP/DH is 'the love of your life' or that you couldn't live without him or is that just over-romantic nonsense?

91 replies

dollybird · 25/02/2008 22:56

You see this stuff in magazines/on TV etc all the time and I just wondered if other people feel like that about their other halves? Just worried I suppose that there is something wrong or am I completely normal if I don't feel like that?

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 25/02/2008 22:59

I hope not or DH and I are heading for divorce. I suppose I thought that once ... Now he's just a good bloke, who makes me laugh, puts up with my ranting, loves me much much more than I deserve, does a passable impression of a good dad, and is a good shag I think that's enough.

Could do with being richer mind you

LaDiDaDi · 25/02/2008 22:59

I do feel like that but I suppose that in my head I know that I could live without him, I just really, really wouldn't want to.

Original poster
dollybird · 25/02/2008 23:04

My DH def loves me more than I deserve

  • haven't done anything bad except in my head but I feel like a bitch anyway.
OP posts:
Carmenere · 25/02/2008 23:07

He is definitely the most significant man I have ever met, I love him absolutely but I could live without him but I don't want to

Drusilla · 25/02/2008 23:11

I think it's over-romantic nonsense and what makes someone marriage material is often just good timing coinciding with other attractive traits. I married DH because yes I love him and find him sexually attractive but also we share the same long term goals and he came into my life at the right time. My friend says I am cold

redredrose · 25/02/2008 23:12

Hi, I just came on relationships tonight for the first time due to that mrsgg ( my blood is still boiling ) Anyway I know I could probably live without my dp but don't want to as I love him to pices and I am sure he is the same.

bookwormmum · 25/02/2008 23:13

I loved my dp but he wasn't the love of my life. I can live without him but as Carmenere said, I'd rather have not.

bookwormmum · 25/02/2008 23:13

We're not together now btw.

Kindersurpise · 25/02/2008 23:15

Hmm, difficult one.

I would say the romantic butterfly-in-tummy feeling does fade, the first blush of love.

In our case I would say that it has been replaced with a more lasting emotion. My feelings have changed and deepened since we have had the DCs. It is less about physical attraction and more about respect and admiration for the person, for the father he is. The knowledge that he will always be there for me, to support me in difficult times and to celebrate the good times.

I could live without him if I really had to, but I would not like to.

Sorry if that is too soppy

scouserabroad · 25/02/2008 23:23

I had really really huge misgivings about marrying DH, and actually cried on my wedding day because I thought I'd made a mistake! All that because I didn't feel like he was the love of my life, and I thought he should be if we were to get married, iyswim. Two and a half years on, I'm 100% sure that it wasn't a mistake, and I feel that as time goes on I love him more, it's the opposite of the "in love" feeling fading. Does that make sense? Prob not, I think I'd best be going to bed...

Cashncarry · 25/02/2008 23:32

I think you can never really know unless you're facing the actual prospect of that person being taken away from you.

It wasn't long ago that I was considering life without DH as being a choice I could make. Right now I'm facing life without him because of events beyond both of our control.

I would say that that I feel that DH shouldn't be the love of my life for one reason or another but that I've accepted that he is because I know that if and when he's taken from me ... well, I'd feel as though I'd lost half of myself

OverMyDeadBody · 26/02/2008 00:11

I think the overly romantic version of love that we see on tv/magazines/fairy tales is aload of old twaddle tbh. I especially don't believe the 'happily ever after' nonsence. For a relationship to work long term it takes a lot of effort and work by both people, it's not just a happily ever after.

Not being able to live without your partner sounds more like dependance than love to me.

I'd describe love more as choosing to spend your life with someone even though you know you'd be just fine without them (because you are already a complete person in your own right) but that you both provide something extra to each other and yourselves by being together, that you enhance each other's lives.

I also don't think there is such a thing as your one true love. I think we are all capable of loving lots of different people and it's just life circumstances that throw us together with the partners we have.

I am single at the moment though so what do I know , but I know I'm not searching for that unatainable romantic version of love sold to us by hollywood et al.

OverMyDeadBody · 26/02/2008 00:12

agree with cashncarry too about not always knowing unless being faced with the prospect of losing someone.

Mummy2TandF · 26/02/2008 00:32

Have to agree - you never truly know what you have got til it has gone Dh and I were together for 12 years, so the rush of "intense love" had been replaced by a nice warm loving love, unconditional love and although we had our ups and downs, I knew I loved him too much to ever leave and that we would weather any storms because he loved me the same, if not a little bit more ....in August all that was ripped from us when he passed away suddenly - I by no means put our relationship on a pedastal, however I have truly realised now how deep that love went and how much of a "one" we had become. Just think of the relationship with your mum .... do you feel warm and gooey everytime you see her? No - but you do love her so immensly ... sorry I have rambled, just needed to post

OverMyDeadBody · 26/02/2008 00:39

Oh mummytoTandF I'm so so sorry to hear that . Sounds like you had a wonderful relationship that will always live on in your heart.

Feel free to let it all out here, that's what MN is good for.

hellish · 26/02/2008 02:56

Romantic nonsense. We live in couples because that most practical way in our society. Some people just get on better than others.

trockodile · 26/02/2008 06:36

I can survive without him-he is currently away for work for 2 months, and last year was away for 6. BUT I miss him desperately and it only works because we are so close. I can rely on him absolutely and he is the one person i know who will always put me first and love me unconditionally.
We met and fell in love almost instantly (12 years ago) and i really do believe he is my 'soul mate'.
Could I survive without him ever? -i expect i could if i have to. Can't imagine it though.
BUT -it is not all passion and roses. It is real life and loving each other'warts and all'. It is accepting that sometimes you feel too ill or tired for sex-that sometimes work or (lack of) money or doing the housework, child throwing up etc can all get in the way of this mythical 'perfect'marriage. I think it starts with the love and passion and evolves into liking , mutual respect and a desire to each put the other first.
Sorry for the essay!

lovemybabes · 26/02/2008 14:01

sometimes in passionate 'hollywood' type relationships or love affairs, you're not actually that happy or content, you're just in a frenzy of feelings. and in a healthy but not mindblowingly romantic relationship, you feel content, happy, stable, loving and loved. so maybe that's the best sort of relationship to have... (hope so, we've had two kids together and tend to laugh together about stupid things, or argue, a lot more than we make protestations of our undying love... but i feel content and optimistic and i like feeling that way).

bellavita · 26/02/2008 14:05

kindersurprise - you have worded perfectly what I wanted to say.

Anna8888 · 26/02/2008 14:07

I'm on holiday in England with my daughter this week and my partner is ski-ing with his sons, and, yes, I miss him desperately and long to be with him and sometimes feel quite sick in the stomach about missing him...

Original poster
dollybird · 26/02/2008 19:45

I am very mixed up I think. Trockodile, I like what you say, that kind of matches my feelings, but I worry that he feels stronger than me and I think because we don't spend time apart very often (apart from work) and when I get that time I relish it so much it worries me that I am being selfish/not feeling strong enough etc.. He is self employed and works on his own a lot so he really relishes the time we have together as it's company, so I think there's a bit of an inbalance but not quite sure how to 'balance' it back out again!

OP posts:
theboob · 26/02/2008 19:49

i met my dh when we were at school(11)and we are still together today 3dc later and as i have never been without him i cant imagine it

Jodyray · 26/02/2008 19:51

I thought it was all nonsense with my exes until i met my DP. Having a child with him was completely different to the first time around with my ex too. I still get butterflies with DP and i hope i always will. I cant even bear to think what it would be like without him.

pelafina · 26/02/2008 19:51

Message withdrawn

rantinghousewife · 26/02/2008 19:52

I think in our relationship (mine and dh's), I could live without him but, I wouldn't want to and if I did I definitely wouldn't replace him with someone else.
Having said that I don't think true, lasting love is ever about fluttery stomachs or the need to be with someone 24 hours a day. I think it's the everyday mundane stuff. For example, when I went to visit a friend for the weekend a couple of things happened while I was there and I realised that actually I wanted to tell him about these really ordinary things.
Of course I would be a complete liar if I said that I didn't sometimes look at him and think I married a complete mentallist though.