Is this how a relationship should be?

[ThisIsaNiceDress]

I’ve been seeing someone since early spring. Met on OLD and hit it off straight away, made it clear that it was an exclusive relationship and not just FWB sort of thing. Our personal commitments (work, families) mean that we can’t meet that often, I’d say on average once to twice a week, and we have not really introduced each other to friends or families so far.
what annoys me, though, is that I don’t really feel like I’ve got a partner. I feel like I’ve got a boyfriend, who is perfectly nice and kind, but who gives me little to no support or care in between our meets. Communication is sparse and often quite formulaic.
am I being unreasonable to expect more at this stage ? I’ve mentioned it to him before and he seemed to listen and understand, but no long term change took place. I can’t keep coming back with the same to him, I’d feel like a nag.
are we not compatible, or am I expecting too much too soon?
any responses would be greatly appreciated

How old are you both? Could just be a matter of (im)maturity.

@Espanaes81 yes we both have children, and we both have jobs with similar level of commitment.
@martha4clark both in our forties.

It’s going to be difficult to move from a boyfriend dynamic to partner unless you spend more time together.

Has he said he’d like to spend more time together if it was possible? I’d find it difficult having too much expectation put on me to be a serious partner if I only saw them once a week.

These things should generally happen naturally so if it’s not moving forward the way you’d like, even after you’ve talked about it then it might be time to rethink whether you’re compatible and want the same things. For a relationship to work you both have to be on the same page.

@Specso thanks for your considered response. There are limitations on both sides that make more frequent meets impossible (well, very difficult). But I feel like I’ve put in more effort.
just trying to figure out how soon I need to decide that it’s not what I want and move on. I don’t really want to, I like him in many ways but it’s all been making me feel pretty miserable recently.

I don’t think it’s unusual to want a bit more easy-going communication / support between dates, but I wouldn’t think of someone I’d been seeing for a few months as a “partner” - he’s a boyfriend.

I'm all honesty spring isn't that long to be seeing someone. You see each other 1/2 times a week. If you like him id keep it light, enjoy each others company and have fun. If you keep on at him at this stage then you might scare him off

What happens if you message him more or with something a bit more personal?

My relationship mantra is 'If it doesn't feel right, it isn't'.

It sounds like there's a connection missing. Generally, if two people meet and are happy and excited to be together then it should feel good.

It's not clear what the problem is here: possibly he's just very involved with other things. Maybe he's just not that bothered.

He compartmentalises for sure, and I don’t.
we have similar age kids so it’s not like his need more involvement than mine.
not on his phone a lot? Oh yes he is…

A few months in you DO only have a boyfriend, not a partner. You're expecting too much too soon. Slow down!

So when do my expectations become valid and justified? Can someone offer a timeframe?

I have had this thought before… it shouldn’t not feel right so early on. But then again, others are telling me I’ve got excessive expectations… 🤷

That's because he's not your partner, he's your boyfriend. You've only been seeing him a couple of months for limited time in that period and you haven't met each others friends/family. Sounds very casual. Plus you mentioned 'seeing', not dating. I think your expectations are a little high this early in.

@PrideNails where do you see the difference between seeing and dating? I’d use the words interchangeably so just checking to avoid confusion.

Two things:

1. what are your goals? What are his? I think I want to remarry, for example. My boyfriend of a year probably doesn’t (from convo at the start of our relationship) I suspect this will be our undoing at some point. If he wants a girlfriend and not more then this will never “improve”
2. if you share goals then I think it is still too soon to feel like you have a partner. This is early days, you have children, and other obligations. I would think 8-12 months is more realistic

@ThisIsaNiceDress, to me seeing someone infers something casual, no real attachment like, I'm seeing this girl, we hang out sometimes.
Dating is more of a commitment, this is going somewhere kinda of thing. Hard to explain succinctly but definitely a difference to me.

@PrideNails Dating then. Not seeing each other.

@PrideNails I’ve also been dating someone since spring (late April) so coming up to three months. Definitely exclusive but I don’t consider him a boyfriend yet though we see each other a lot (at least twice a week with at least one sleepover night though we have had several weekends together). I have kids (but teens and Dad is involved so I do have free time) and he doesn’t.

We don’t text each other a lot in between, he doesn’t like being on his phone too much. I knew that from day 1, it’s nice as when we are together, he is fully focussed on me/us and not checking his phone. I sometimes feel a bit disconnected if we go too long without seeing each other, but when we are together, it is great. So, I’m trying to judge him on his actions. I sometimes feel I want more faster but I’ve spoke to good friends who know me and looking back on my past, I tend to move too fast in my relationships and they don’t end well.

Don’t forget, this is still early days. You are still learning about each other. What do you do when you see each other? How does he make you feel when you are together? Are your feelings because of your own anxiety or justified (caused by his actions or inaction as the case may be). I do think you need to give it more time. Three months is nothing in the scheme of things but I know what you mean!

If and when the relationship develops to that! You can't set a timeframe on how a relationship develops

What's his relationship history? If only lots of short term with no commitment hey may have an avoidant attachment style. It's brutal and confusing.

@blablablagobshite no. A long marriage. But I hear what you are saying about the relationship style. Mine is def anxious 🤦🏼‍♀️

"I don’t really feel like I’ve got a partner. I feel like I’ve got a boyfriend, who is perfectly nice and kind, but who gives me little to no support or care in between our meets. Communication is sparse and often quite formulaic."

Can you explain a little bit what for you makes the difference between a bf and a partner? What would you expect from him that you aren't currently getting?

Do you have meaningful conversations when you meet once-twice a week and then just quick check-ins in between? Is it the frequency of communication or the content?

Seeing each other a couple of times a week is quite a lot IMO in the early stages, so maybe from his viewpoint, not much is needed in between. But it needs to be right for you both.

@TwoBoysTooMany76 thanks for taking the time to respond.
yeah my own anxiety does play a massive role but then again I don’t think I expect that much! Wouldn’t you want to check on someone you care about fairly regularly? I’m not talking moving in and making life commitments…