Is this how a relationship should be?

[ThisIsaNiceDress]

I’ve been seeing someone since early spring. Met on OLD and hit it off straight away, made it clear that it was an exclusive relationship and not just FWB sort of thing. Our personal commitments (work, families) mean that we can’t meet that often, I’d say on average once to twice a week, and we have not really introduced each other to friends or families so far.
what annoys me, though, is that I don’t really feel like I’ve got a partner. I feel like I’ve got a boyfriend, who is perfectly nice and kind, but who gives me little to no support or care in between our meets. Communication is sparse and often quite formulaic.
am I being unreasonable to expect more at this stage ? I’ve mentioned it to him before and he seemed to listen and understand, but no long term change took place. I can’t keep coming back with the same to him, I’d feel like a nag.
are we not compatible, or am I expecting too much too soon?
any responses would be greatly appreciated

in my world, I’d say a boyfriend is someone you see for fun and enjoy the company of but you don’t really care about in any meaningful way. A partner, you care about, have feelings for and are not just in for the fun parts… does it make sense?

@ThisIsaNiceDress I’m not doubting the intensity of your feelings but I do think they seem a bit intense for the amount of time you are dating for and the amount of times you have seen each other. I’ve been dating the guy I am seeing for three months, I really like him and growing to like him more. Miss him when I don’t see him. We hold hands when we are out and physically affectionate with each other at home and out. Basically, we act very much like a couple. We have shared stuff about how we feel about relationships and our families etc. But I certainly wouldn’t call him a boyfriend, let alone a partner. I’m still learning about him as a person. I know I want to continue to date him and see if we align on our relationship goals etc. And at this stage, I don’t know anything about his financial affairs (other than he owns the house he lives in and the car he drives). Do you know all these already about your partner? Seems a lot to expect in this short amount of time!

Hmmmm, I recently split from my ex of 3 years, we only saw each other once a week (ldr) and despite texts every day there was most definitely a disconnect and I felt like we just had a part-time relationship. Most days I just felt single and it made me so sad because I missed him, whereas he was quite happy with the set up. After 3 years it just became too painful and frustrating and I was sick of being the one making most of the effort and compromise. I deserve more than crumbs.
Don't be me, as a pp said, if you're not happy this early in it doesn't get better. Xxx

Oh yes, completely understand what you mean now.

This is my opinion but for me this would be a non-negotiable in a relationship, even quite early on. If you're having a bad day, are you able to tell him and have him support you? If you had a problem, could you rely on him to step in and back you? I don't really make a distinction between bf and partner myself, but my criteria for judging if a relationship is right is 'are they the first person I want to tell when something happens, good or bad? And will they give me the kind of reaction I'd hope for?'

Have you tried to deepen the relationship? E.g. how does he react when you share something more personal with him? Or when you ask him more meaningful questions?

It can also be a 'men of his generation' thing. It took my partner a while to start sharing deeper things with me and build trust, but he was always as good as gold listening to me.

Your feelings are YOUR feelings, and you need your needs to be met (not someone else's on here).

I really don't think there's any need to forensically analyse the ins and outs of the situation.

If it doesn't feel right this early on, it's not right.

You'll know (without a doubt) when you've met the right person!!

This one is easy! It doesn’t matter if it would be enough for me… it’s not enough for you! We are all different in our needs and expectations and you need to find someone who is the right fit for you and this guy isn’t. You’ve talked to him about it and he still isn’t meeting your needs. He isn’t wrong but neither are you. I’d bid him a find adieu and go look for someone who meets ALL your needs and isn’t making you miserable during the honeymoon period! There’ll be one out there who is a better match for you but you zero chance of finding them whilst you are still committed to a guy who isn’t right.

Thanks everyone for their perspectives. Quite a range of opinions here, but I must say the more recent ones resonate with me a little more.

@ruddygreattiger that’s really quite sad and resonates with me a fair bit. How did you allow it to continue for such a long time?
hope you’ve found what you are looking for since x

@ThisIsaNiceDress I’ve been in a relationship over about the same timeframe as you - a bit different (for context) as we reconnected after knowing each other as teenagers/having a (very innocent) teenage romance (so have that kind of background to each other/family history) and we are in an ultra long distance relationship. Both previously married, work and childcare responsibilities to navigate.

I would call him my partner (despite the distance). We message each other as soon as the other wakes up and try to talk daily (sometimes for hours like teenagers 🤪😂). He’s the first person I talk to about things that are worrying me, work stress etc. I guess because we can only see other physically every 3 months or so, the communication aspect of our relationship takes on additional significance.

I came out of a marriage that was toxic and where I really made do with the scraps emotionally, and the dynamic with the ex was like that from the very beginning - compartmentalised, I never felt I was the priority, it was very take it or leave it. With now-DP I know without a shadow of a doubt that I’m his priority (alongside kids of course) and that he wants to support me emotionally. I guess the only reason I was prepared to take a risk on a relationship that was so difficult logistically is that it just felt so easy emotionally. Everyone says relationships are “hard work” - what a realise now is that a good relationship takes effort, but it should feel like a grind. My current one is the former but my marriage was the latter.

what I now realised … is that it shouldn’t feel like a grind

Gahhh * fail 😂😂

You’ve got a boyfriend - and a relatively new one at that, I’d class a partner as someone you live with.

@Endoftheroad12345 that sounds great and it’s definitely missing from whatever it is that I have. Makes me feel very sad.

That was my first relationship after my very long marriage ended, and I fell for him very hard! As it was a ldr each meeting became hugely important to me, but I have learnt that in relationships I give far too much (time, effort, money) and it took me too long to realise I was making his and his dcs life far easier than he made mine. We had plans to live together etc, which was my goal so I hung on in there until it was clear I was going to be compromising on everything.
I'm single now, but despite still missing him I no longer feel as lonely as I did when we were together. Time heals though and my dc tells me to start having fun and just start dating!!! I plan on doing that very soon!

You hinted he uses his phone a lot, but not to contact you. Maybe he has more irons in the fire.

He certainly doesn’t seem invested in you, whatever the reason.

Yes @ThisIsaNiceDress it is wonderful. My marriage was nothing like this at all (and we were together for 20 years from a very young age) so I had no idea that relationships could be so easy and peaceful and loving. It is a revelation. I genuinely thought huge fights, name calling, temper tantrums, stonewalling were pretty normal (I mean, I knew they were bad but I kind of thought they weren’t outside the norm for long relationships with life stress, kids etc.) I think what DP and have is quite special because of our history and because we are hardcore in the honeymoon phase and mooning over each other like we did in 1998 😂 - but having spoken honestly to my friends about my marriage, I now realise that loving/respecting/prioritising your partner is (or should be) the norm, and that my expectations were through the floor. I know without a shadow of a doubt that DP would NEVER call me a bitch (regardless of how annoying I was being), or walk out of the room while I was talking to him (just to mention a few habits of my ex 🙄).

If you’ve been together since early spring that’s what 3?4? months - I think it should feel more effortless and he should be communicating more. Don’t settle for crumbs. What have your previous relationships been like?

You're both in your 40s with family responsibilities. Presumably with your relative maturity of years you must know there's no rule book or timeframes around when a relationship becomes more established. It happens when the two people want it to happen.

If it isn't happening it's because one of the 2, in this case your boyfriend hasn't indicated he has any interest in moving things onto more regular contact than you have already.

Instead of asking for specific answers on here, have the conversation with him and find out. It does seem like you're trying to force things along when he isn't ready but I'm only guessing.

He may not seem invested, but we have no way of knowing his background. He could be a cautious type who doesn't want to get heavily involved with his other commitments going on,

At least he isn't love-bombing you, promising you the earth, wanting you to move in together and future faking. nor is he throwing all his attention at you and neglecting time with his family. That the opposite end of the spectrum, but it's a lot more concerning to have someone behaving like that, irrationally, irresponsibly and in an unbalanced way than someone who sees you twice a week, seems quite balanced and in control of things.

let's put it this way, if he's like this a year in with no indication whatsoever where he sees your future together, you've got a relationship problem and you're probably not with the right person. If there's no spark or fire now, it probably won't happen. Go with your instincts.

I was in something very similar. The relationship, if you could call it that, just wasn't progressing despite him saying he wanted it to etc. I kept giving it time, hoping it would become more but eventually I just had to admit it wasn't working for me and I walked away. That was after 2 years.

I guess it depends on how much time you want to give it and can you see a point in the near future when your circumstances will change?

If it's making you feel rubbish, then it's not working, a relationship should make you feel good about yourself! It doesn't matter what other people think about the terminology or whatever, if it's not right for you then it's not right for you. Trust your feelings, they have important information. If you're not feeling a connection, not feeling cared for when you're not together, trust that, even if it hurts to face the disappointment

They say if a man is really into you then you will know without doubt
I had something similar
Told me he was looking for a serious relationship and that he really liked me
His actions said otherwise
He found it hard to commit to time with me, sometimes I didn't hear from him for 1-3 days at a time .
Even though I REALLY fancied him and he had a lot going for him I found it all too stressful and ended it .

@Endoftheroad12345 my previous relationship had been very much like yours, long term toxic marriage. It’s quite spooky how similar our stories are, except that now you seem to have found something that suits you better than what I have found shouts me. Because of my past, I find it difficult to know what normal is and how much I should expect. Hence asking strangers on the internet for advice 😕 any more thoughts would be welcome and I’m happy you found someone who makes you feel happy and secure x

I agree with pp that if someone is in to you, you know it.

Having said that, you're very recently together, and I wouldn't call someone a partner after just a few months, especially when you only see them for a couple of times a week. Surely that's the very definitiion of a bf. A partner is someone you share your life with. You know each others friends and family, probably live together but not essentially. It's way too soon to be sharing your life with him, and there's no sign that you're doing that.

I would be nervous of jumping to 'partner' so soon when there are children involved. You need to know each other much better and for longer before you can confidently introduce your children, with the expectation this is really going somewhere.

All that said, if you feel he just isn't that bothered about seeing you or talking to you, maybe he just isn't that in to you.

If you're having fun, and getting along well, then it could well develop in to a relationship later on. These things progress over time, and at differernt speeds. Taking your time is a good thing, especially when children are involved.

However, you don't have to stick around if it's making you unhappy. You could just have different ways of doing things. None of you is wrong. Just incompatible. But I think most people you meet won't want to jump to 'partner' in a couple of months.