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Original poster

Is this how a relationship should be?

133 replies

ThisIsaNiceDress · 20/07/2023 19:16

I’ve been seeing someone since early spring. Met on OLD and hit it off straight away, made it clear that it was an exclusive relationship and not just FWB sort of thing. Our personal commitments (work, families) mean that we can’t meet that often, I’d say on average once to twice a week, and we have not really introduced each other to friends or families so far.
what annoys me, though, is that I don’t really feel like I’ve got a partner. I feel like I’ve got a boyfriend, who is perfectly nice and kind, but who gives me little to no support or care in between our meets. Communication is sparse and often quite formulaic.
am I being unreasonable to expect more at this stage ? I’ve mentioned it to him before and he seemed to listen and understand, but no long term change took place. I can’t keep coming back with the same to him, I’d feel like a nag.
are we not compatible, or am I expecting too much too soon?
any responses would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 21/07/2023 23:14

"I’m not asking about your family/friends, @Gwenhwyfar"

I didn't say you were, but I was pointing out why not everyone has family and friends at the ready for emotional support and also why I think a boyfriend is in some ways closer than those people.

"I think it’s quite mad to suggest that someone the OP has met about 20 times is closer to her than someone she’s known and loved for 20 years, just because it’s a romantic relationship. "

I don't think it's mad at all. Romantic relationships tend to have an intensity to them that other relationships don't, with some exceptions of course like mother and baby or identical twins.

Endoftheroad12345 · 21/07/2023 23:20

It’s not an either or thing though? My family and friends can and do support me to varying degrees (my family’s lack of emotional reliability is one of the reasons I ended up with ex-H for so long but that’s a whole nother post 😂).

When I had to put my beloved dog down 😭💔 my friends/family were kind and supportive but it was DP I wanted to talk to and who comforted me when I was crying. I don’t think that is an unreasonable expectation in a relationship 3ish months in? (5in my case). I probably wouldn’t expect that level of support in the first weeks of dating, you’d come across as a bit of a bunny boiler.

Merveille · 21/07/2023 23:22

Gwenhwyfar · 21/07/2023 23:14

"I’m not asking about your family/friends, @Gwenhwyfar"

I didn't say you were, but I was pointing out why not everyone has family and friends at the ready for emotional support and also why I think a boyfriend is in some ways closer than those people.

"I think it’s quite mad to suggest that someone the OP has met about 20 times is closer to her than someone she’s known and loved for 20 years, just because it’s a romantic relationship. "

I don't think it's mad at all. Romantic relationships tend to have an intensity to them that other relationships don't, with some exceptions of course like mother and baby or identical twins.

But isn’t the OP complaining about a lack of that kind of intensity? He’s ‘nice and kind’ on dates but there’s not much contact between them.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/07/2023 23:39

"But isn’t the OP complaining about a lack of that kind of intensity?"

Well, there's obviously some intensity there that she doesn't get from friends and family. It seems to be the regularity of contact and support that she is missing.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/07/2023 23:40

"When I had to put my beloved dog down 😭💔 my friends/family were kind and supportive but it was DP I wanted to talk to and who comforted me when I was crying. I don’t think that is an unreasonable expectation in a relationship 3ish months in? "

I agree.
In fact, I'd go as far as to say that's the main reason why some people want a romantic relationship - precisely for emotional support, someone to share the good times and the bad.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 22/07/2023 00:03

Merveille · 21/07/2023 23:09

That’s interesting, @Gwenhwyfar — we’re coming at this from very different angles. I’d class three months in with one or two dates a week and minimal communication between as ‘seeing someone’ or ‘dating’. I wouldn’t see this as ‘serious’, I’d see it as exploratory and initial. And I’m 50, so not coming at this as a younger person.

I’m not asking about your family/friends, @Gwenhwyfar — the OP expressed a need for ‘support’, which I think is likely to be better met by people she knows well and who have been in her life longer and who love her.

I think it’s quite mad to suggest that someone the OP has met about 20 times is closer to her than someone she’s known and loved for 20 years, just because it’s a romantic relationship. For someone I’d only recently started seeing to be relying on me for emotional support would be a big red flag for me. I would be wondering why they didn’t have friends or other long-standing relationships in their lives, and wondering about their judgement if they needed support from such a new relationship.

The OP herself says she’s anxious, which I think may be key here.

Spot on!

The thought that someone one has known for 90 days being the focal point of one's existence is very bizarre and seems needy at the least.

mrsplum2015 · 22/07/2023 00:46

I agree it's unlikely he would be your support etc at this early stage.

It's your first relationship post separation and you need to try and find more in yourself and your life that doesn't involve your boyfriend.

If you were more involved at this point I would think that's a bit of a red flag as it's too much too soon.

However I think a chat about the longer term is important. If you're looking for an ultimately more committed relationship and he is definitely not then you can identify that now.

My dp initially told me he loved his own space and liked me being busy so he could get on with his life and hobbies etc. After a year I said I wanted more as it was exhausting managing work life kids and then having two nights a week out and about with dp. He was initially unsure so we split up for a while, kept seeing each other as fwb, but 6 months later he turned up at my house and said he was in and wanted to be with me permanently.

It works really well now as we can support each other and enjoy free time together but it had to be his decision and needed nearly two years to get to that stage of us getting to know each other and making an informed decision. Life isn't as straightforward second time round as you can't just spend days and nights together uninterrupted to see if you really do get on!

Endoftheroad12345 · 22/07/2023 01:39

Glad it worked for you @mrsplum2015 bit I would be so fucked off if it took someone 2 years to decide if they liked me enough to commit to being my boyfriend at my advanced age (41 😂).

I had that first time round and that is how I ended up with massively dismissive avoidant exH.

…but I think what this thread shows is horses for courses relationship wise! If you’re on the. same page with your partner (or boyfriend, or FWB) that’s what matters.

Espanaes81 · 22/07/2023 05:40

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mrsplum2015 · 22/07/2023 05:44

Ah no it was six months @Endoftheroad12345

We were both pretty happy with the status quo for the first year as I have dc and didn't want anything too serious too soon. I also have a big network of friends for support.

But then I realised I was running myself ragged getting everything done at home while I had the kids so I could be free for him on my 2 nights pw "off". And I decided I wanted more. I respected that he took time to consider it carefully as I didn't want a rush decision that might change, it was too important once my dc were involved.

Endoftheroad12345 · 22/07/2023 06:07

@Espanaes81 of course I have, my relationship history may be fucked but that doesn’t mean I want a relationship with a chatbot 😂

Endoftheroad12345 · 22/07/2023 06:07

I totally understand @mrsplum2015

Espanaes81 · 22/07/2023 06:10

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guineacup · 22/07/2023 06:35

This one is easy! It doesn’t matter if it would be enough for me… it’s not enough for you!

This... It's irrelevant if others feel the pace or intensity of your relationship would be fine for them... they are not the ones in it!

I'm guessing your disquiet is based on the fact that you feel he is less in to you than you are in to him. I've been there and it's not a nice place to be.

You need a proper talk with him and how you are feeling, and what you feel you need... The aim of that conversation would be to sort things out one way or the other... Either you emerge from that conversation happy that you're outlook and expectations are more aligned, or you split.

guineacup · 22/07/2023 06:36

your not you're

guineacup · 22/07/2023 07:01

"I wouldn’t even think a three month relationship that involves seeing one another once or twice a week was even at the ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ stage yet"

What are they then? They're not friends, they're not friends with benefits because they're exclusive and in a romantic relationship. You're the second person to say this in the thread and I find this to be quite a worrying modern trend for people to be in relatively serious relationships, going out together but somehow not boyfriend and girlfriend?

I agree with this... In my book, if you're romantically/sexually connected, exclusive, and have been for a few months, then by definition you are boyfriend / girlfriend. I'm really not sure on the reluctance to use the term in this way?

Otherwise the relationship is in some weird undefinable no-man's-land, other than to lump it in with "dating" which to me is the very early days of meeting someone... where you are literally going out on dates, where nothing has been agreed about your relationship status, you haven't agreed to be exclusive, and each date could easily be your last.

guineacup · 22/07/2023 07:15

Still wondering what "support" someone needs from a man whom they've dated maybe 20 times over the past several months. Surely one would not be dumping one's private problems (work, kids, financial, whatever) on a relative stranger? It's not their job to solve them."

If I had been seeing someone for three months, and it was an exclusive romantic relationship, of course i'd want some support from them. It would be a critical part of developing the relationship! If they were unable or unwilling to provide any support at that point, it wouldn't bode well.

I don't mean they have to put their life on hold to do so, and certainly not "solve" your problems, but if you can't share the issues you're experiencing in your life at some level, then you might as well be in a FWB scenario.

This kind of talk makes me wonder just how many people get into superficial situationships that persist for months and years, which then somehow settle into something serious by default of time, which then fall apart because there was never any deep emotional connection in the first place..., all because they couldn't possibly be so presumptuous to expect any support from their man "just" months into a relationship (or whatever non-committal thing their "arrangement" is a few months in).

sweepleall · 22/07/2023 07:43

I think some of it is that some people just want more support than others.

Maybe it's being an introvert, maybe just personality more generally but I just don't require much support full stop, unless something big has happened. I could easily go a year or more without actually wanting any "emotional support"

SophieinParis · 22/07/2023 07:55

At a few months if exclusively dating you haven’t got a partner..you have a boyfriend.
A partner would imply someone with whom you share finances to some degree, perhaps live together, have a child, or have otherwise shown a significant commitment to longevity. A boyfriend is someone you are dating exclusively.
You can’t force a relationship to move into partner type territory, it happens via time and a desire to become a proper team.

Espanaes81 · 22/07/2023 09:04

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ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 22/07/2023 09:26

guineacup · 22/07/2023 06:35

This one is easy! It doesn’t matter if it would be enough for me… it’s not enough for you!

This... It's irrelevant if others feel the pace or intensity of your relationship would be fine for them... they are not the ones in it!

I'm guessing your disquiet is based on the fact that you feel he is less in to you than you are in to him. I've been there and it's not a nice place to be.

You need a proper talk with him and how you are feeling, and what you feel you need... The aim of that conversation would be to sort things out one way or the other... Either you emerge from that conversation happy that you're outlook and expectations are more aligned, or you split.

If someone tried to pin me down after a measly 90 days, I'd be uncomfortable and probably end it.

That's barely "getting to know you" territory. Similarly if they started unloading all sorts of day to day problems or emotional angst, or wanting help with household repairs or whatever. 90 days in?

What is the big rush?

Espanaes81 · 22/07/2023 12:47

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Gwenhwyfar · 22/07/2023 19:56

"If someone tried to pin me down after a measly 90 days"

What do you mean by pinning you down? OP isn't demanding any commitment, just a bit more communication and support.
I've had many friends help me with DIY type things, it's hardly a sign you'll be engaged soon!

guineacup · 23/07/2023 06:55

If someone tried to pin me down after a measly 90 days, I'd be uncomfortable and probably end it. That's barely "getting to know you" territory. Similarly if they started unloading all sorts of day to day problems or emotional angst, or wanting help with household repairs or whatever. 90 days in?

I don't think it's unreasonable to have an understanding about the direction you both feel the relationship is heading after 3 months.... By 3 months you should know if it has the potential to be long term, even it's far too early to make long-term commitments. And if you are feeling that potential, it's surely healthy to know how the other person feels too, so you know if you can allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable and fall in love.

If a relationship has long-term potential, you should be besotted with each other three months in, not feeling like you're "barely in to the getting to know each other territory" or reluctant to help with a minor household repair.

guineacup · 23/07/2023 07:11

Similarly if they started unloading all sorts of day to day problems or emotional angst

Also, after three months, if I didn't feel we could talk to each other our day-to-day problems, or how we were feeling emotionally, I'd feel I was dating someone who was both emotionally stunted and completely disinterested in my life.
Presumably they'd be there just wanted sex, as there would be sod all to talk about and bond over if our personal lives and feelings were off the table. I'd be ending such a relationship pretty quick.