Is this how a relationship should be?

[ThisIsaNiceDress]

I’ve been seeing someone since early spring. Met on OLD and hit it off straight away, made it clear that it was an exclusive relationship and not just FWB sort of thing. Our personal commitments (work, families) mean that we can’t meet that often, I’d say on average once to twice a week, and we have not really introduced each other to friends or families so far.
what annoys me, though, is that I don’t really feel like I’ve got a partner. I feel like I’ve got a boyfriend, who is perfectly nice and kind, but who gives me little to no support or care in between our meets. Communication is sparse and often quite formulaic.
am I being unreasonable to expect more at this stage ? I’ve mentioned it to him before and he seemed to listen and understand, but no long term change took place. I can’t keep coming back with the same to him, I’d feel like a nag.
are we not compatible, or am I expecting too much too soon?
any responses would be greatly appreciated

@solice84 ive been thinking of doing it (ending things) and then questioning my judgement. Perhaps I’m just not ready for a relationship at all. I genuinely can’t tell where the issue lies.

I felt like you OP and was in a similar situation.
Around the 6 months mark I basically broke up with him after a conversation explaining to him that I didn't feel like he was that bothered about me and needed more from someone.

After a day or so he begged for another chance and has definitely improved (we're a year down the line) but still not enough for me to think we'll have a future together.

There are lot of positives about our relationship but ultimately when your emotional needs are not being met you just know it doesn't feel right and, but it's hard to give up the nice times we have when we're together and start again.

The thing is I know people are saying it's early days but if he's so seemingly disinterested now then how will it ever get the chance to turn into anything more?
That's how I viewed the one I ended
It wasn't going anywhere

@BookHereNoFee would you be able to say more? What did your relationship look like at the stage when you decided to break up with him?

I thinj the terms 'partner' and 'bf' might be derailing the point which is you prefer more chat between dates. Totally valid for a burgeoning relationship where you can't see each other as often due to kids etc. Its difficult to get relationships off the ground post 40s with kids for this very reason. For comparison, My experience with dp was thay we could only see each other twice a week with sleepovers. In-between we talked all the time via text from the beginning. We still do 3 years later, though probably less. I'd take your own feelings seriously and not imagine that at some point in future he's going to communicate more, the tendancy is for communication to go down to something less 'honeymooney' so, this might be the best you get? I'd maybe give it a few months of enjoyable dating and if nothing changes, take it as read that this is it in terms of phone communication

So you've only been together for a couple of months? That's no time at all for adults.
Why and how would you expect someone to be a 'partner' rather than 'boyfriend' after such a short amount of time?
Surely you barely know each other?

It doesn't sound like it's working for you. I would end it.

I had a very emotionally unavailable/abusive husband. We were together for 10 years.

After I left, and then when I first dated a few duds, I thought that I would be alone together because I was totally unwilling to be in another unsatisfying relationship. In practice, I quickly put an end to any dating relationship which didn't suit me.

I met my partner about a year and a half ago and he's everything that I thought I could never have - kind, empathetic, totally devoted to me, never an unkind word. It was quite clear from the start how he feels, and I have never doubted him.

It can happen for you - just don't waste your time with someone who doesn't make you feel loved.

*I thought that I would be alone FOREVER.

@ThisIsaNiceDress just that not an awful lot had changed.

We would see each other on average twice a week and had met friends by then but he wouldn't text much through the day and the tone always felt quite 'matey' (still does to be honest).

He's a nice man and there's lots I like about him but I just know in my gut he's not the right one for me. There's no deeper conversations (as in ever) and he hardly ever compliments/or says affectionate things.

I think because we don't see each other you need the verbal/text communication to feel good in between the times you don't see each other and he just doesn't do that.
I've had a previous boyfriend after the divorce whose communication was perfect for me. He ultimately wasn't the right man for me either but his level of communication was spot on for what I needed e.g a good morning and good night message, quick call on one of his breaks to see how my day was going and then a longer call in the evening when suited us both with maybe a couple more messages either side.

That would be too much for some people and not enough for others but always made me feel happy, secure and knowing he loved and cared about me. I don't get that feeling with this man.

At 4 months he’s definitely a boyfriend and I’d be very uncomfortable with someone calling me a partner at that stage. What you appear really to be saying is that you want more attention but he’s not interested in stepping it up. If it’s not working for you it’s not working for you, and you should l have a conversation about it.

Hi Op, I would not get hang up on the terminology - concentrate on how you feel. I know its hard to explain how what you need, but I have been there - its the level of warmth and connection that is missing, and its not a good thing. It may make you feel unreasonable, but then you see other couples and realise your relationship is a bit sterile - there is something missing. And it makes no difference how long you've been together, believe me.

My sincere believe is this - if someone is an emotionally open person, and they really care about you, they will show you, even early on. Not love bombing, but continuous, respectful, warm care and affection. The guy you are with is either guarding his feeling, or genuinely not feeling the level of attachment you expect. Both are bad news. If he is guarded emotionally because he has been hurt, it will affect you and you will pay for whatever damage was done to him; he needs to sort this out first and then look for someone. If its the lack of attraction - well, I dont need to tell you what that means.

Trust your feelings. A relationship, especially a new one, should make you feel good, there is no two ways about it.

This. You barely know him.

What sort of "support" are you seeking? I think it's a mistake to lean on people and to rush into a dependent dynamic.

What's wrong with just having fun once a week or so?

What are you wanting him to check on? I don't get it.

Presumably he thinks you can manage your day-to-day life, just as most people do, without a handhold.

This is a good point. When we're busy and productive, we don't have time to fret about frequency of "good morning text messages" and the like.

OP it makes a lot of sense that your past experiences might have made you doubt yourself and feel unsure about what you "should" expect in a relationship. Would you consider some counselling to have someone to really give you some time to explore your feelings and learn to trust them, work out what you need? We can be worn down so much that we get really out of touch with our feelings, or just don't believe that it's OK to listen to our feelings and trust them to guide us.

It sounds to me like you have a good sense that something isn't right with this relationship, that it doesn't make you happy enough, but that you're not sure if it's OK to trust your feelings. Or maybe you doubt whether you deserve to have more? You do deserve more, OP, we all deserve to be happy and feel loved.

You've only been going out a few months, surely you do have a boyfriend rather than a partner.

I know it's a matter of semantics, but you only see each other a couple of times a week, don't love together, none of that screams partner to me.

To me, he just sounds like someone who doesn't enjoy lots of contact via text or phone, and would rather save it for when you're together. There's nothing wrong with that, just as there's nothing wrong with you wanting more contact in between. It just sounds like you're not particularly compatible on this.

However, it's worth being aware that building a relationship takes longer when there's kids in the mix. You're not able to live in each others pockets like you could when you were you and free and single. Things take more time, each stage gets more elongated.

You seem very keen to find a partner, when you should be playing the long game. Just enjoy the dating stage, have fun with someone for a while before you decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life with them, introduce them to the kids, move in etc.

What is the level of communication you want? my work colleagues BF used to call her for her entire lunch hour every single day I would have felt I was being suffocated but it worked for them.

It honestly sound like you need to do some work on yourself regardless of communication levels, it sounds like you had a very rough time of it before so it’s very understandable.

In my view you don't really have a "partner" until you live together. Otherwise it's just dating. Which is fine, and you shouldn't rush to move in either but I also think that you can't expect much in terms of life support until you get to that stage emotionally.

It's fine to have a "boyfriend" after just a couple of months

Everyone's different but for me what I would expect from this stage of a relationship is:

Fun, I should really enjoy and look forward to each date

I should feel like he feels the same way - that he is excited about me and spending time with me

I wouldn't expect him to be my primary source of support for problems but responsive if something came up around him. So, for example, if something happened like I had my wallet stolen and I temporarily didn't have a bank card to order groceries, I would ask a family member or close friend not a boyfriend of a couple of months. But if I was pickpocketed while with him, I would expect him to ask what he could do to help. Crap example but hopefully explains what I mean

I think everyone is different in their approach to the relationship and their expectations. If OP feels this is lacking what she needs, and it makes her feel bad and uncomfortable, it means this is not a relationship for her. It is entirely possible to meet someone who is "on the same page" as you with regards to the relationship progression.

Also, quite interesting to read people's definition of "partner" and "boyfriend". To me they are the same thing, makes no difference if you are living together or not. If its not "serious" and you are not seeing this person for anything other than fun then its FVB, not a "partner" or a "boyfriend". But that's just me ))

For me - and obviously not trying to say this is the only way to think about it:

Partner is someone who you have built a life with - usually living together but definitely committed to.

Boyfriend is someone you are exploring becoming a partner, so you have serious intentions but it's not there yet

Then there's someone you're dating/seeing which is less serious still

@sweepleall of course if you are still "dating" than anything goes, but the OP said they had "the talk" and decided on exclusivity - so not just "dating"?

TBH I found modern approach to dating extremely weird and depressing; people are very often like bumper cars at a fair, bump into each other meaninglessly and bounce off into someone else. I think few months is enough to know if you like someone or not, you don't need to commit to the level of marriage etc, but you get an idea if this person is for you. Spending months and months (or even years) being some sort of acquaintances (not too involved with each other's lives) with sex added is unnecessary, unless this is what both parties want.

From your definition "partner" is basically being married to someone, even if not legally. Living together, sharing household, often kids, etc.

@Bubblyb00b I wasn't suggesting that they were still dating, just explaining that for me there is a category in between just dating and partner which is where I think the OP is. Less than six months seems to me very fast to be a "partner"

But everyone moves at a different pace, my BIL moved in with his girlfriend after six weeks and they were married within a year. That isn't my thing but they are v happy

If you enjoy his company and there are no obvious red flags I would give it a bit more time and see how things develop.

It’s quite early days if you only met in the Spring.

If there’s a connection it seems a shame to end it as even finding a connection IMO is very difficult 😂