Is this how a relationship should be?

[ThisIsaNiceDress]

I’ve been seeing someone since early spring. Met on OLD and hit it off straight away, made it clear that it was an exclusive relationship and not just FWB sort of thing. Our personal commitments (work, families) mean that we can’t meet that often, I’d say on average once to twice a week, and we have not really introduced each other to friends or families so far.
what annoys me, though, is that I don’t really feel like I’ve got a partner. I feel like I’ve got a boyfriend, who is perfectly nice and kind, but who gives me little to no support or care in between our meets. Communication is sparse and often quite formulaic.
am I being unreasonable to expect more at this stage ? I’ve mentioned it to him before and he seemed to listen and understand, but no long term change took place. I can’t keep coming back with the same to him, I’d feel like a nag.
are we not compatible, or am I expecting too much too soon?
any responses would be greatly appreciated

So it would seem normal for you for someone to refer to their partner whom they've been dating for a few weeks?
I remember when I lost my job someone said 'at least you have a partner'. I didn't, I had a boyfriend I saw twice a week. It's a totally different thing (for me).

In any case, OP seems to be using partner to mean supportive and emotionally available boyfriend rather than partner in the way I would see it ie a life partner, similar to a husband.

@Gwenhwyfar if I have been seeing someone for a few weeks it would not really be a "partner" or a "boyfriend", just "someone I have been seeing recently". But yes, probably FVB seen once/ twice a week is not really a partner...

From the OPs point of view though I think you are right, whatever the term used she wants more than just someone to have infrequent lightheaded dates/ sex with, and she is not getting it from her whatever he is. Which is really all there is to it; either he steps up, or they split. At 40, it really is no point to be wasting time on a dud relationship if you really want something serious.

"@Gwenhwyfarif I have been seeing someone for a few weeks it would not really be a "partner" or a "boyfriend", just "someone I have been seeing recently". But yes, probably FVB seen once/ twice a week is not really a partner..."

Well, if you'd had the conversation about being in a relationship then it would be your boyfriend. Not everyone has casual sex, which is what a friend with benefit or a fuck buddy is so you can have a boyfriend from an early stage who would be far away from being your partner in the sense of a life partner as a type of unofficial husband.

"whatever the term used she wants more than just someone to have infrequent lightheaded dates/ sex with, and she is not getting it from her whatever he is. "

Yes, it's not really about the word partner.

However, I'm not totally sure I agree that at 40 she should just finish it now. As it's a new relationship it might develop into something a bit more supportive, from a new boyfriend to a more serious boyfriend, for example. MN ers tend to believe the world is full of millions of amazing men and any man who's not perfect should be dumped, but in real life it may be worth sticking at it and seeing where it goes for a few more months.

@ThisIsaNiceDress - just in case it hasn't been mentioned yet....

Read Women Who Love Too Much. It's a classic which has stood the test of time. It has helped many women, especially those with an anxious attachment style.

This just shows how old school I am, for me "boyfriend" is the same as a "partner"- but not the same as a husband (official or not)... I hate "dating" and I would not have a relationship with someone who is not invested 100%, early stages or not. Good job I'm not looking for someone, eh? )))

But how can you be 100% serious and invested from day 1? Don't you need at least some time to get to know someone?

Exactly!

I am just baffled by people who want to turn an acquaintance into a "partner" at top speed. Whatever happened to befriending someone and getting to know them at a reasonable pace?

Still wondering what "support" someone needs from a man whom they've dated maybe 20 times over the past several months. Surely one would not be dumping one's private problems (work, kids, financial, whatever) on a relative stranger? It's not their job to solve them.

This rush to a relationship is why we see so many threads here about how "he changed after we moved in together/had kids/combined finances/etc" and all the other bullshit. No, he didn't change. You rushed into it.

anxious attachment style = shorthand for "you're with the wrong person", it's the wrong chemistry and either you or they don't really float each other's boat and you're on edge when you don't hear from them.

when the person you're seeing is warm, attentive and reassuring, and gives you reasons to believe they want commitment, there's no need for anxious attachment, questioning if something isn't right, if the person doesn't like you, or if all you can think of is that they're on their phone too much.

All that doubt and insecurity is because they don't want to make an effort to make you feel you're making a good choice by being with them. They don't try to impress or make you feel you're valued and time together is precious. Even if it's only 2 days a week together because of family or work commitments those 2 days can still be positive not leaving a residual feeling of discontent.

Thanks everyone too many posts to keep responding individually but I really appreciate your thoughts and some of them resonated more than others of course so a special thank you to @daisychain01 @Tulpenkavalier @Gwenhwyfar to mention just a few recent ones …

"anxious attachment style= shorthand for "you're with the wrong person", it's the wrong chemistry and either you or they don't really float each other's boat and you're on edge when you don't hear from them."

I think this is a version of the knight in shining armour myth i.e. that once the 'perfect person' arrives all your problems disappear. People do have different attachment styles.

"Still wondering what "support" someone needs from a man whom they've dated maybe 20 times over the past several months. Surely one would not be dumping one's private problems (work, kids, financial, whatever) on a relative stranger? It's not their job to solve them."

Maybe it's someone to talk to rather than have him 'solve' the problems. Your boyfriend, however new, becomes the closest person in your life (usually, there are some exceptions) and is hardly a stranger after a few months, even if nothing like a life partner.

that’s not true and is quite mean.

If @ThisIsaNiceDress ‘s experience of leaving her marriage is anything like mine she is courageous. And anyone who is a solo parent to young DC does not have loads of empty time to fill!

@ThisIsaNiceDress don’t let people make you feel weird for wanting more from your boyfriend. I totally get it and I don’t think it’s strange or unreasonable. I suppose I am quite old school as I haven’t been single since 2001 and then when I was I reconnected with someone I met in 1998! So I haven’t experienced the whole 21st century dating scene - in the old days you went out and got drunk and went home with someone you met at a bar and either kept seeing them or didn’t 😂

All I know is that I feel utterly confident that DP loves and desires me (something I never felt consistently with DH) and wants to share the load with me emotionally (even though practically he can do very little). I’m a very busy and capable women with young DC and and very busy, senior job. I am not a damsel in distress. But my relationship makes my life easier, despite the logistical difficulties. He makes me happy, I feel secure/loved and I actually feel like I am a better version of myself for having him in my life. None of those things were true of my marriage. Even if things didn’t work out with DP God forbid 🥺 I now know what a loving relationship should feel like.

To me this whole thing is quite simple. Some people treat you with care and respect from the beginning, and some treat you as a sort of a acquaintance, with kind of "you need to earn my love" attitude. Its the age old thing - when you meet the right one, you know. If you like someone, why not talk to them, ask them how they are, be interested in their life? We are talking relationships here, not a job application.

I’ve had similar circumstances but further along with the time frame. Ended a long marriage (13 years) because it was miserable. I was definitely anxious but a lot of this was down to XH, I realised in retrospect. I took some time before I started dating (even then I tried after 8 months and it was too soon really). I had some counselling, learned more about the dynamics with XH and why I was vulnerable to fall for a man like him, learned about red flags.

I met my OH when I’d been separated 11 months. He was the first to make it to a third date! We broke the rules of internet dating in that we weren’t talking to other people when we met and we didn’t date other people! The messaging started off casual but it became regular. We live about an hour apart (thanks Bumble!) and both have kids with busy weeks so to start with we could only see each other alternate weekends. We chat on the phone probably once a week too. We text every day - always a good morning, share which of the Heardle decades we got 😂 I wanted to keep seeing him because he’s upfront, he’s funny, he’s kind. We agreed to be a ‘couple’ by the third date. I still don’t know what to call him because I find it daft having a ‘boyfriend’ in my 40s but in my head partners live together.
I’m neurodivergent (ASD/ADHD) and he started gently prompting me about things (like if I haven’t said I’ve eaten lunch by 2pm on a day off when I’ve clearly hyper focused on something he nudge me to eat). Never judgey but helping me. I’ve been quite stubborn and proud and not totally opened up to start with for fear of him turning out to be like my XH and use it against me..but I have grown to trust him and he’s been patient. I now see him as a partner in that (it’s been 8 months now) yesterday I had a rough day, I wasn’t well with side effects of meds, my dog is ill, things didn’t go to plan. I reached out by text to tell him and he called me last night. It didn’t get too heavy but I know he supports me if I’m having a wobble.
In terms of your relationship OP - I do think it’s difficult to get lots of alone time with someone when you both have kids. This is just something I accepted in the early days. Sometimes it was 3/4 weeks between us meeting up. Phone calls were tricky too before the kids knew we were dating (my DD is like an MI5 agent and worked it out before I’d planned to tell her!)..but I do like regular texts from my OH. I don’t get mardy if he’s out and I know he can’t! Or either of us can be busy with work. But I’d know something was wrong if I didn’t hear from him by 9am. It sounds like your gut is saying this isn’t right. I agree with pp that maybe you need to explore your anxious attachment style before embarking on a relationship.

@ThisIsaNiceDress don't compromise on the right relationship that you need to make you happy. If you have to part company with this chap because he isn't the right one, do it now before you get trapped in "sunk cost fallacy" - the feeling that you can't let go because you've invested a lot of time and energy in the relationship.

Dont feel like this is "last chance saloon" and if you let him go, that's it. It really isn't, and when you meet the one who makes you feel like you're their Number 1 you'll be glad you didn't settle for less than you deserve.

I've had relatships that progressed to a point, then seemed to plateau. This could be where you are at, nothing bad has happened and nothing different, just that it's stagnating rather than progressing any deeper, you've reached a limit.
It takes guts to get out of this situation, but if your ultimate aim is for more and he can't or won't give you more, then it's probably best to get out. Otherwise a lot of time can be wasted, as well as sleepless nights contemplating it.
A happy relationship looks like being on the same page and at the same stage. When you are not the worry begins, even though there's nothing specific that has occurred.

Agree with @Opentooffers - a happy relationship is being on the same page about your needs.

Even if exH wasn’t angry/violent/emotionally abusive, the lack of affection in our day to day life and the detachment became a real problem for me. I think more so after we had kids (after 12 years together) because previously we’d lived quite independent lives, and also because I think having kids really showed up his lack of emotional capacity - I’m really affectionate with the kids and it became very noticeable that he wasn’t - either with them or with me. For others, maybe that detachment wouldn’t be an issue. Maybe two avoidant types would tick along quite happily together? (In his case there were also violent ruptures and no repair so I think it will be difficult for him to have a healthy relationship with anyone but that’s beside the point I’m trying to make).

Yes my relationship is long distance @Espanaes81 so yeah we don’t see each other frequently and yes that absolutely gives it a romantic/honeymoon phase aspect to it. Our “romance” has been going on longer than 3 months but I wouldn’t have thought of him as my partner until quite recently. During that time we’ve both gone through hard things (death of a grandparent, having to put down a beloved family dog, work stress) and he’s been a real emotional support for me. I noticed it because the comparison with my marriage is so stark. I really had to soldier on alone with my ex - he had no empathy and would often literally walk out of the room mid-sentence when I was talking about something that was stressing me out. Because DP and I are apart the communication aspect becomes more significant, we try to talk daily but can’t always so messages, voice notes etc. I just feel loved - how that manifests might look different for different people, but the status quo obviously isn’t working for @ThisIsaNiceDress in her currently situation and I think it is ok to expect more. Don’t go through all the stress and heartache of leaving one shitty relationship to end up in another one. You deserve the moon on a stick!

For me, a ‘partner’ would be probably be a serious, committed relationship of eighteen months at a minimum, where you’d declared love and signalled commitment, met one another’s children, friends etc. I wouldn’t even think a three month relationship that involves seeing one another once or twice a week was even at the ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ stage yet, tbh, far less involving ‘support’ — don’t you have friends and family for that kind of thing? This stage for me would be one of discovery. Do I like this man? Am I attracted to him? Does he interest me? Are we compatible?

Having said that, I’m fussy about articulate written communication. I’ve never fallen for anyone who wasn’t clever and eloquent in writing, whether that’s text, letters, email etc. I’d find formulaic messages, poor SPaG, or text speak a total turn off.

Basically, you want what you want, and if you’re not getting it, move on.

"For me, a ‘partner’ would be probably be a serious, committed relationship of eighteen months at a minimum, where you’d declared love and signalled commitment, met one another’s children, friends etc."

Interesting because I'd still think boyfriend and girlfriend for that if they still lived separately (apart from those 'living apart together' people).

"I wouldn’t even think a three month relationship that involves seeing one another once or twice a week was even at the ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ stage yet"

What are they then? They're not friends, they're not friends with benefits because they're exclusive and in a romantic relationship. You're the second person to say this in the thread and I find this to be quite a worrying modern trend for people to be in relatively serious relationships, going out together but somehow not boyfriend and girlfriend?

"far less involving ‘support’ — don’t you have friends and family for that kind of thing?"

Not everyone does, no. My family's abroad and friends are not necessarily emotionally close. And frankly the boyfriend has a closer relationship to OP than either friends or family so I don't really get the logic of saying she should be relying on them rather than him.

"Having said that, I’m fussy about articulate written communication. I’ve never fallen for anyone who wasn’t clever and eloquent in writing, whether that’s text, letters, email etc. I’d find formulaic messages, poor SPaG, or text speak a total turn off."

I wanted to say you're being silly with this, but I found someone I used to have a crush on years ago on FB and realised that if we'd been FB friends at the time I probably wouldn't have fancied him! So yes, we want what we want!

That’s interesting, @Gwenhwyfar — we’re coming at this from very different angles. I’d class three months in with one or two dates a week and minimal communication between as ‘seeing someone’ or ‘dating’. I wouldn’t see this as ‘serious’, I’d see it as exploratory and initial. And I’m 50, so not coming at this as a younger person.

I’m not asking about your family/friends, @Gwenhwyfar — the OP expressed a need for ‘support’, which I think is likely to be better met by people she knows well and who have been in her life longer and who love her.

I think it’s quite mad to suggest that someone the OP has met about 20 times is closer to her than someone she’s known and loved for 20 years, just because it’s a romantic relationship. For someone I’d only recently started seeing to be relying on me for emotional support would be a big red flag for me. I would be wondering why they didn’t have friends or other long-standing relationships in their lives, and wondering about their judgement if they needed support from such a new relationship.

The OP herself says she’s anxious, which I think may be key here.

Thing is, from your own post only, I think you are trying to judge from what is 'right' according to 'the norm'.

But is it right by you??

If not - fucki the rest. It's not right by you, and it never will be - otherwise the adaptation would have been made.