A big hug from me who was also neglected, bullied, controlled and manipulated as a child. It has left me with lots of problems although it took me to later on in life to realise I had them. For example I am hopeless at relationships so I have given up now on them. I have an eating disorder. I have depression and anxiety and am permanently on tablets. The damage a bad childhood does to you is enormous especially when the neglect/abuse happens when your brain is developing.
Here's something you can be proud of. You have recognised what some of the issues are at least. That is an achievement. Better than your mum has clearly done. So well done you.
I notice when I meet people who are genuinely confident and assertive but nice too that they always have a good family ie they have loving supportive parents who have taught them to feel safe in the world, to manage their emotions, to have good boundaries, to have faith in their own abilities, to be ok about sometimes failing.
I have done lots of reading on this subject and a bit of therapy too but gave up as too expensive and it was clearly going to be required for a long time too. My understanding is your inner child needs to be reparented and that it is she that is crying out from within you. I know it sounds like utter babble but I think it is true. Your emotional development is stunted when you are neglected or abused as a child as so your brain does not develop properly leaving you emotionally as a frightened child whilst in an adult body. You can fake to the outside world being an adult all the while being lost, frightened and feeling like a helpless child inside.
The failure is not yours. It is of your mum. She did not parent you properly and indeed sounds like she to this day does not admit to the problem or apologise for it. You need to accept that she was an inadequate parent, probably with low emotional development.
Please buy some books on inner child. You basically need to reparent yourself.
I am a mess myself. I know what I have to do but it is exhausting and easier to ignore. When 'big' you starts to look after or parent 'little' you then the theory is the healing can start. Forget about your mum being 'your mum'. She isn't your mum and won't ever be. She isn't capable of it. You need to be your own mum.
If you have time in your life a dog can be helpful to make you feel less alone.
People who have good parents have a massive start in life. They have a solid foundation under them which stands them in good stead wherever they go.
People who are neglected or abused have shaky, broken or non exist foundations. Thus their house keeps falling down, tilting, leaking, shaking, leaning.
You will probably never be as good as the person you could have been with good parents. Try and be the compassionate mum to yourself if you can.
You are a good person with a bad mother. It was not your fault. xx