My upbringing is ruining my life, what do I do?

[Lovel2]

I was neglected emotionally as a child. My mum was controlling and nothing was good enough. My brother was the golden child and always has been. I entered a 10 year abusive marriage at 24 after finishing my studies. He treated me terrible and I tried to please him into treating me better.

I have learned via therapy that my upbringing made me a people pleaser and my self esteem and identity pretty much was non existent. It has always been important that people like me because I’ve never felt liked. I was bullied in school and at university for being different. I do struggle with relationships. I get jealous of other people.

I can’t seem to shake this gaping hole. I don’t see my achievements. I should have achieved more if I wasn’t like I am. I don’t want to ruin my current relationship. I don’t feel happy about what I have although I know it’s enough.

How do you fix this feeling, it’s been 40 years and I’m sick of it? I’ve never had someone be proud of me. I’ve not told my family of the abuse. I went to court and divorced with no one knowing as it was awful. My mum would not have understood or supported so it was best to be alone. Only I’m sick to death of holding this alone. I am the failure in the family. I just want a hug and some emotional support or something.

Very helpful

I think it's worth noting that you're doing to yourself exactly what your Mum did to you, and this is what we all do. When we turn 18, we are deemed not to need our parents anymore. This isn't because we don't need parenting, it's because we are legally old enough to parent ourselves. That's a really key thing: you see yourself as a stroppy child, and so you are treating yourself just as your Mum would have done. Abusively. Neglectfully.

We learn, as children, how to parent. We are all children on the inside, and as adults, we have to parent our child selves. That's not just you @Lovel2 , we're all at it, all the time. We are all dealing with inner tantrums, when things don't go our way. But if we have learnt from our parents that the thing to do in the face of our strong emotions is to make us STFU, that's what we try to do. That's what you're doing. You're trying to silence your feelings, because they are an inconvenience to you and those around you.

Feelings, though, are the only thing that matter. You can be homeless, hungry, out in the rain, freezing, but if you feel happy, it doesn't matter. You can be sitting drinking cocktails by your own pool outside your own mansion, or sitting on a beautiful hillside with a wonderful picnic in warm sunshine. But if you feel miserable, it doesn't matter. The feelings are what make or break a life.

What do you think feelings are for, Lovel2? Why do we have them? What's their purpose?

@Watchkeys that's a great post.

OP, I am so sorry to read how hard things have been for you.

@Watchkeys feelings just constantly get in the way. They make me want things I can’t have. For example jealous of people who aren’t unwell. Constantly annoyed as no one in my house tidies up but me. Jealous of my brother as he did well and has a nice big house and family. I got annoyed someone at work announced their pregnancy close to me and I wanted the attention like a child. Annoyed my partner doesn’t understand what I’m going through but them too scared to actually tell him. Is it ok to be resentful to those who get things that I want? Shouldn’t I be happy for them? I’m only resentful because my life has been so bloody unfair so far. I always read those quotes about how some people have gone through so much and still are able to be soft and caring…. I’m hard and pissed.

Are you me..shite isn't it. Massive hugs x

Is it ok and

Shouldn’t I be happy

There are no shoulds. Unless you break a law, everything is ok. You are looking to be externally guided on how you 'should' feel, and punishing yourself when you think you haven't 'fit the bill', but there's no bill to fit. There is no requirement on you to be happy. If there was, where would that come from? Who would be requiring it?

Your responsibility in life is to make your life the way you want it. You can't have everything you want, just like the rest of us. I wasn't able to have kids either, so we have that in common. Some of my friends are wildly more successful and rich than me. I'd like that for myself, but for the effort I put in? Likely I'll have to accept being on a lower rung. Life has a lot of disappointments in it, for everybody.

I can tell you what feelings are for: they are the real you explaining to you precisely what you need. And the real you, just like the real me and the real everybody else, is about 4 years old. In a healthy mindset, we listen to the 4 year old, who is quite possibly being completely irrational and wanting to own a rainbow or something (you know 4 year olds), and we do what we can to make it feel better. So, if something inside me started to get pissed off because I didn't own a rainbow, I'd say (internally) 'OK, well, that's not something that can actually happen, but, how about we find lots of pictures of rainbows, and get a mini projector, and then project a rainbow onto the living room wall with it, from the laptop?'

If something inside you starts to get pissed off because you don't own a rainbow, you'll say (internally) 'Shut up, you little pest, you're really getting on my nerves. You've been in the way all day and now you're just demanding a pile of shit nonsense.'

Can you see the difference? Nothing has happened. No rainbows have been projected or dismissed. But my irrational child inside feels heard and loved and considered and respected. Yours feels like you do today. And that's why you feel like you do today; because that's how you speak to yourself.

I really do wish you a rainbow. I used to be where you are. It's horrible, but honestly, it's up to you to walk away from it. Nobody else. Nobody being proud of you. This is all you, now. You're an angry resentful child because of this

feelings just constantly get in the way

Your feelings are your heart. Nobody has ever listened to her or respected her. You're saying she's simply in the way. No wonder she's pissed off and hardened and having a tantrum at every tiny trigger.

Can't you be nicer to her? When I started doing this (by writing things down, which allowed me to express them without bothering anybody) my heart/feelings/inner 4 year old calmed down quite quickly. Where previously she would have said 'NONONONONOOOOOO!!!! AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!' in a difficult situation, she now knows that she will be heard, so there's no need to shout. She says things like 'Er, don't you think we should leave? It's pretty horrible here' and I listen. She has become my boundaries.

That's what your fury is: it's boundaries gone mad, due to being ignored. Start to listen. That's what 'self respect' means. Listening to and responding harmoniously with your feelings.

OP, it is not a competition. Some of us go through horrific things. Some of us are lucky.

I only mentioned my history to show you that nobody’s life is what they seem. Last Saturday, DH was away all day and night. I was so sad and overwhelmed that I (after taking the children swimming in the morning, then for a walk) went to bed at 3pm. I told them that they could be on screens. I was in bed, binge watching Netflix with a tea and crying. Again, everyone thinks I am beyond happy. I am sure some people are jealous of my “perfect life”.

I think we all need to find our way, sometimes with the help of therapy. I think that the most important thing is to realise that we have agency over our lives. That we can change how we relate to our surroundings - and therefore our lives. I am having weekly therapy now (paid by my work). I will consider antidepressants if I have too many days when I feel the need to stay in bed and cry.

I think you need to find a plan for how you may be able to change the way you relate to your situation. If you need antidepressants to manage to try, then consider it. But try to find a way forward.

Please remember that people you envy way go through horrific traumas without you knowing. And that you can change the way you relate to life.

Op, anger and jealousy are often a bi product of unmet expectations. It is perfectly reasonable to expect that a child would have their needs by their parents. But yours were not. You need to get therapy to help you accept that your parents were flawed individuals that prioritised themselves instead of their childs welfare. You need to be allowed to fully feel the pain they have caused you, and only then can you start to heal and release the pain and resentment you are holding onto. I found that doing therapist guided work on my inner child really helped. I am lucky enough to have found an inner peace now, and let go of my resentment towards my parents. So much so I can even visit them occasionally and I have a relationship with them that is totally on my terms.

I don’t really hold much resentment towards my parents. I loved my dad despite letting my mum off. My mum had a terrible childhood so I understand she did all she knew. I’m not angry at them. I guess it’s anger towards myself for not being aware and letting myself be with a person who treated me so badly. I know I know at the time what I know now but it doesn’t take away any of the memories. I don’t actually know who or what I’m resentful to, perhaps just the simple unfairness, the wasted life and possibilities. Others have that connection with their partner and have gone far, it must have been nice, I would have liked that.

I’m jealous that I am quite bad at relationships, I don’t really know how to have them. I can’t even give people eye contact when I talk. I sit and pick at my lip all the time as it makes me feel calm in a world of chaos.

Can I just ask with the borderline personality disorder do you not need to have impulsive behaviours and self harm? I can see a lot of my thinking in the list but I don’t have those. I’m also not overly worried about my partner leaving me emotionally more so practically and financially. If my physical health were better I’d cope fine, I own 75% of my house. If he left then that’ll be his choice. If I’m too much then that’s on him and visa versa. I do struggle with strong emotions and I’m not sure about who I am and what I want.

You quite obviously have complex PTSD.

BPD is a sexist "diagnosis" pushed on traumatised women. It's not even accepted as a legitimate diagnosis in other countries for that reason.

@swanling is it hard to treat?

I think everyone who has had a similar upbringing would hugely admire your achievements: own house, successful divorce from an abuser, kids, relationship, job. That's amazing considering what you've been through. In my case it took more than 40 years to stop seeking my parents' approval and celebrate my own achievements, and I haven't had to deal with illness or the more serious issues you raise. I have no particular advice but I hope it works out for you.

Thanks for all the kind messages. It means a lot. I can’t avoid life all the time though because some people trigger certain feelings in me. It’s like I want to hang with people only less fortunate then me as they don’t trigger those intense feelings of jealousy. It’s mot possible to avoid people who have it better or easier. I really don’t want to be effected like this as it’s ruining my own life.

It’s mot possible to avoid people who have it better or easier

That's not possible for anybody. In the nicest possible way, you need to stop seeing yourself as special or different. Everybody's life is hard in a number of ways. Everybody has to live with that. You are not the person who has it worst, and you do have some power to make it better.

What do you want? I keep asking this question, and you have no clear answers. Try to come up with clear, specific answers, and first steps, rather than spending time lamenting what you don't have. We are all trying to move towards 'better'. Only those of us who insist on sitting in the shit get bitter. Everyone else is on a hopeful journey. It's up to you whether to set off or not.

You are responsible for your life. You are responsible for your happiness. You are responsible for your own anxiety and stress. Take responsibility, rather than thinking that some other entity, like illness or upbringing is responsible for you, the way you behave, the way you feel. Find the ingredients you need, and start putting them together. It doesn't matter what happened yesterday. How can you make the next hour good? Do you really believe that there is nothing in the entire universe that could make you feel better right now? When's the last time you forgot your troubles? What were you doing? Do that.

I’m not really worried about whether people have it worse or better. Obviously I care about people but it doesn’t change the way I feel. I want to stop these triggers. I am happy in a lot of way, I love my partner and my children. We are going away next week and that will be nice. But when I’m triggered I’m horrible. I think horrible things about people that I don’t really want to happen. I wish I could stop the intense jealousy about things I didn’t have and won’t have because that’s past.

@Oblomov23 She said in the OP she has had counseling. I don't agree with most of what you and watchkeys have said to her. It strikes me as dismissive, cold, patronising, and victim-blaming, with a tone of authority that shows a lack of compassion toward @Lovel2 , lack of self-awareness, and lack of wisdom. I felt compelled to speak up because I can only imagine the effect of your words on @Lovel2

But when I’m triggered I’m horrible

We all are. I know you don't care what other people feel (not in a mean way, just that this is about you, not them), but that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that you need to stop seeing you as unusual. You need to do exactly the same as the rest of us. You need to listen to the messages your triggers are giving you, rather than just wanting them to shut up and leave you alone. The triggers are like an upset child. Would you tell an upset child to shut up and leave you alone? Is that how you'd like to parent? How would the child feel? Just like you do now.

This isn't about other people and how they feel, but it is about realising you are not unusual, or different in any way from everybody else. And if you're attached to the idea that you are, then that's where the problem is. Are you comfortable with the idea that everybody else is just like you? That we could all have posted a similar thread? That we are all angry little brats on the inside, sometimes? Or do you actually, genuinely think that you're the only one (or one of a select few) who are having to deal with this?

Oh OP, I get it. I've lived your life too. Awful neglectful parent, bullying golden child siblings, abusive adult relationships... feeling totally alone and isolated and dying inside with no one to help or support or just care enough to listen. You need compassion and validation and you've certainly got it from me , this anonymous stranger on the internet who has read your posts like they're describing my own life.I don't get some of the advice on here, certain posters seem to enjoy hammering home the ' stop blaming everyone else/ pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get on with it' stance which is so unhelpful to someone who needs an arm round the shoulder not a kick up the jacksy. You've had enough kickings in life, starting with the abusive childhood. You can't just move on from that, it's not that simple. I get your resentment of others, and you're right life is not effing fair. Those people who are confident and resilient and strong will have had at least one consistent caregiver in their life who has stood by their side - you've had no one! No man is an island as they say. Imo, you do seem to have all the hallmarks of cptsd and you can't treat that alone. You need help to unlock the damage. Would it be at all possible to pay for a private psychiatry assessment? As another poster pointed out , you don't want to be labelled with bpd - it's extremely damaging and unfortunately, the nhs love throwing that diagnosis out to women who have suffered abuse.

@finklestreet
Well said. Some of the advice on here can be very damaging to someone already feeling fragile and vulnerable

certain posters seem to enjoy hammering home the ' stop blaming everyone else/ pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get on with it' stance which is so unhelpful to someone who needs an arm round the shoulder not a kick up the jacksy

Those posters may also have been exactly where OP is, and know how to get out, having done it themselves.

Those people who are confident and resilient and strong will have had at least one consistent caregiver in their life who has stood by their side

No. They will have had that, or learned how to do this for themselves.

Your understanding of OP doesn't mean you understand people who have recovered themselves from similar situations to OP's, @BlueMantle , and if you think 'Take responsibility for yourself' is a 'kick up the jacksy', then you're in no position to give advice because you haven't reached adulthood. All adults are responsible for themselves. That's not a telling off, and encouraging someone to embrace it is encouraging them to take power over their own life.

have hugs. I know exactly what you mean.

Thank you for your compliment. I believe some of the advice on this thread could be very traumatising for @Lovel2 - and it is said with such "authority" instead of being presented with humility as merely an opinion. This is the kind of mindset I feel @Lovel2 needs to learn to recognise for what it is - a reflection of the state of mind of the person speaking, not a reflection of her, or of her very real life experience.

Many, many people from all walks of life have CSPTD. Their experience with counseling is truly a mixed bag. Some of the "authoritative" voices on this thread sound like some of the testimonies I have heard from people with CPTSD who have been harmed by psychotherapists (as they paid good money for the "privilege" - ugh). I have learned to view these "voice of authority" people as well-intentioned but unknowingly exhibiting toxic traits to those who suffer like @Lovel2 - they "know not what they do," unfortunately.

The CPTDSD and therapyabuse Reddits are helpful IMO to learn about coping strategies for living with CPTSD. Counseling is one option, but proceed with caution. There are many different strategies. Lots of diverse and insightful testimonies on those two Reddits.

The above is for @BlueMantle