My upbringing is ruining my life, what do I do?

[Lovel2]

I was neglected emotionally as a child. My mum was controlling and nothing was good enough. My brother was the golden child and always has been. I entered a 10 year abusive marriage at 24 after finishing my studies. He treated me terrible and I tried to please him into treating me better.

I have learned via therapy that my upbringing made me a people pleaser and my self esteem and identity pretty much was non existent. It has always been important that people like me because I’ve never felt liked. I was bullied in school and at university for being different. I do struggle with relationships. I get jealous of other people.

I can’t seem to shake this gaping hole. I don’t see my achievements. I should have achieved more if I wasn’t like I am. I don’t want to ruin my current relationship. I don’t feel happy about what I have although I know it’s enough.

How do you fix this feeling, it’s been 40 years and I’m sick of it? I’ve never had someone be proud of me. I’ve not told my family of the abuse. I went to court and divorced with no one knowing as it was awful. My mum would not have understood or supported so it was best to be alone. Only I’m sick to death of holding this alone. I am the failure in the family. I just want a hug and some emotional support or something.

@Lovel2 Can I ask how old your children are ?
You mention your oldest showing signs of trauma, is she getting counseling ? She will need to learn resilience from you : can you try to focus on making that your mission, to heal a little of the unfairness ? Learn everything you can about her trauma (childhood trauma in general), be her rock. Become for her what you never had and more. I’m sure you’re already doing this, it just may help to frame it this way in your mind when you wake up in the morning. You do have a goal, you do have a better life to look forward to.

As for wishing to be only with less fortunate people, do that if you need to : if you have the time to volunteer, go for it.

4 years is very little time for ptsd, you’re in the thick of it. It can get better.

@Godlovesall26 they are 7 and 8 months (little surprise at my age lol) She Is on the waiting list. She has been fine until this past year. Oh I try to show resilience, I hide it so much but it’s got to come out I suppose. I try and talk to her and explain as we are going through similar things. She pushes me away though an awful lot. I just keep trying. Believe me I would not be here if not for them. I am trying for them but it’s hard when you’ve absolutely no tools whatsoever.

Yes! Me too! Now it's got back on track... Living one posters advice of imagining your ancestors having your back, being your support group. Will be taking that one on board for sure

Maybe children’s help and parenting books will help you have a basis to work with ? Maybe you could ask for recommendations while you’re on the waiting list (which is hard, I sympathise) ?

Hi OP

I’m so sorry you’re struggling. Ignore those who are saying/implying you should just let the past go. I work with many women who suffer from complex PTSD and PTSD and they are not illnesses which are straightforward to treat. You need professional help. And by that, I don’t mean counselling, you need trauma focused therapy, preferably with a psychologist. If you can manage to pay privately, do, because sadly it’s rarely treated correctly on the NHS. CBT or a limited number of counselling sessions (usually 6 or 8) is not sufficient to treat actual psychiatric trauma.

I think that despite feeling like you haven’t done well, you have actually done brilliantly. It takes immense strength to leave an abusive relationship, especially given your childhood experiences and the fact that you work, raise your children, bought and renovated a house are real achievements and something to be so proud of. Well done, OP.

@BlueMantle i often try and think of my dad standing by my side. My ex husband tried to get me to believe that he would have been turning in my grave at how pathetic and awful I was. He tired to ruin the only person I loved. He may not have saved me from my mum and kind of enabled her but I still loved him. I think in the end before he died he was unhappy with his life.

@IdealisticCynic thank you. It’s like it doesn’t matter unless someone actually notices. I don’t know what I feel like that?!

I agree with PP. YOU need to be proud of you.

You need to remember that the one person who will always have your back is you

@Lovel2
There is a YouTube channel called Hospice Nurse Julie. It's all about end of life care and is FASCINATING. She talks about a common experience that many dying people have whereby they begin to see and talk to their dead loved ones as they get closer to death. It happens too frequently to dismiss as a myth.

I believe in the immortality of the soul and that our dead loved ones aren't that far away from us. (My ancestral faith has always taught this as a metaphysical reality, but our culture scoffs at it).

Have you had any brushes with death or disaster/financial ruin? It's very possible your father was interceding to protect you. I have a beloved grandfather who was in his 70s when I was born. I believe he is close to me. I look forward to seeing him again.

@finklestreet my dad died of lung cancer. He had been on oxygen for days in hospital. He turned to me the day before he died and said you don’t need to stay with him. I’d never told him about my husband or how he treated me. His last ever comment he spoke ever changed my life. I left my husband because of that comment. Someone actually saw me. I got through the grief alone believing that he had to die in order for me to live. In my marriage I wanted to die. I miss him. Before he took his last breath in bed in hospital he tried to get up and go somewhere, it was very odd. They had to hold him down then he died.

@Lovel2 That is a very special experience and it sounds like he is still close to you.

Most people I meet aren't interested in the things of the spirit, and the "life advice" these know-it-alls give reflects this because it is the lense through which they see the world.

If you will consider that death is the separation of the spirit (eternal) from the body (temporal) and that your dad loves you and his grandchildren and is waiting for you, it may shift your outlook at least a little bit.

This life is only a wisp of wind IMO.

@finklestreet it would be nice to think that. I’m such a need to see it to believe it person though. I also would love to believe that karma works for my ex!

Why do these mental health illnesses like c-ptsd and bpd develop, is it because we ignore ourselves?

@BlueMantle I didn't offer you any advice.

The vast majority of people have been scarred by their childhood. I was safe and loved, but even my childhood has left me damaged. We pass on suffering and trauma. My father was himself a deeply damaged man. He'd had a miserable, loveless childhood filled with bullying and neglect. As a result, he had terrible anger issues and abandonment issues, and was an avoidant, paranoid, misanthropic, and in some ways manipulative and controlling man. The impact of his personality was huge: he didn't want me to leave him, and didn't want me to grow up or develop independence. It left me years behind my peers in terms of self-reliance and confidence. To this day I can feel the impact of his intense, needy, damaged personality. My mother had also had a difficult childhood, which left her unable to deal with confrontation. She was a people pleaser, who never stood up for herself. That also had a big impact on me. And like my father she was clingy and suffocating. Even now, in my 40s, I am still trying to undo the damage they caused.

I don't blame them at all btw. They did their best.

But your ex husband didn't succeed did he? Because you and only you, experienced the truth of your dad's love. Hold on to that. Abusers gaslight and lie, that's their MO. Your dad would be proud of you for finding the courage to leave. Yes of course he should have stepped in to stop the abuse, but perhaps he was weak and scared himself. It sounds like he understood more than you thought

No he didn’t. He tried though and I regret the time I could have spent with him but was too busy being scared to leave the house and worrying about my twat husband and what would happen next.

I was just thinking about this thread and the comments of @Watchkeys and what they (I assume she) was trying to get at. I think I understand. Nobody has ever told me or taught me that who I was was ok and enough. I’ve changed myself to try and fit in with people, changed the things I believe, accepted things that I never wanted in order to please people. My attachment to people has been so shaky. The thought of people not liking me, real or perceived cuts deep. I’ve become withdrawn to stop the pain. I’m also deeply angry because I haven’t respected myself. Whoever that is as she feels deeply hidden now. I twisted myself into trying to feel love from my ex husband instead of accepting he wasn’t a match.

My now mother in law is not exactly warming to me. Instead of accepting oh well you not so nice I’ve been going round in circles about what’s wrong we me, why doesn’t she like me. She made a comment about me cleaning too much, I started to stop cleaning as maybe she is right. But then I got angry because my messy house was upsetting me. I’ve been wondering why can’t I be more like her and not mind the mess, perhaps we will have a connection then. But I want a clean house so I’ve been cleaning it the way I want to.

I don’t really like hiding away at home anymore because I’m bored. I need to make connections with the right people. I’m just a bit different from the masses of people and have always been. I need to accept myself and perhaps I’ll meet similar people.

I'm so glad you can understand what I was getting at @Lovel2 I think some on the thread felt I was being really harsh or lacking in understanding, but I think you know that you're in there somewhere, and I think that you know there's a way out, otherwise you wouldn't have posted in the first place.

Your cleaning example is a really good demonstration of how insidious the problems are, when we don't respect ourselves. I remember saying no to a friend who asked if I'd like to join her for coffee, just because I didn't feel like going. She's a good friend, she'd not upset me, and I never would have said no before unless I had another commitment, because what I, personally, wanted, took a back seat. I said no, went home, and watched Netflix by myself, and felt hugely empowered. Tiny actions represent big steps.

why can’t I be more like her and not mind the mess, perhaps we will have a connection then

It sounds like you understand that you never have to change to make people like you. People who actually like who you really are will just stick around. I'm glad you're starting to see the way forward. It took me a year of counselling before I 'got it'!

I guess that’s where the deep down mental damage is done. A betrayal of oneself entirely. No wonder I’ve hated myself. I’ve always said I don’t want friends but really I don’t want to be alone.

I wonder what would have happened if I stood up to my ex and told him not to talk to me like that. I wonder if he really was that scary.

All those times he said jeez what’s wrong with you, why are you so sensitive and I was like yeah you right stupid me. I was hurt, I ignored it but it was still there. It’s crazy.

Keep going and keep growing. Focus on the people in your life now, not in the past.

Here is an excellent children’s book thst explores this https://www.googleadservices.com/pagead/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwjzwqT6na2DAxWpRnIKHZXjCX0YABAKGgJxdQ&ae=2&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI88Kk-p2tgwMVqUZyCh2V4wl9EAQYASABEgIAU_D_BwE&sph=&ohost=www.google.com&cid=CAASJeRoLuqLY3QzEbUBfh5sqXFfJj2mdtuhGylggBOOYVwQDpaBoQ8&sig=AOD64_0tLWqCdVdN79Njz3daoTh3kWR-3A&ctype=5&q=&ved=2ahUKEwiksZv6na2DAxUPkokEHaAHAxIQwg8oAHoECAMQDA&adurl=