My upbringing is ruining my life, what do I do?

[Lovel2]

I was neglected emotionally as a child. My mum was controlling and nothing was good enough. My brother was the golden child and always has been. I entered a 10 year abusive marriage at 24 after finishing my studies. He treated me terrible and I tried to please him into treating me better.

I have learned via therapy that my upbringing made me a people pleaser and my self esteem and identity pretty much was non existent. It has always been important that people like me because I’ve never felt liked. I was bullied in school and at university for being different. I do struggle with relationships. I get jealous of other people.

I can’t seem to shake this gaping hole. I don’t see my achievements. I should have achieved more if I wasn’t like I am. I don’t want to ruin my current relationship. I don’t feel happy about what I have although I know it’s enough.

How do you fix this feeling, it’s been 40 years and I’m sick of it? I’ve never had someone be proud of me. I’ve not told my family of the abuse. I went to court and divorced with no one knowing as it was awful. My mum would not have understood or supported so it was best to be alone. Only I’m sick to death of holding this alone. I am the failure in the family. I just want a hug and some emotional support or something.

@Watchkeys "you're in mo position to give advice because you haven't reached adulthood."

Oh dear, what a baffling comment. I will take anything you say with a big grain of salt going forward!

Honestly some of the way posters talk is how I’m treated in real life, you’re an adult now so get on with it. It isn’t helping me in real life. I know I’m an adult now and it makes me feel worse that I don’t know how to get on with it. I don’t know how to accept and move on from the fact I’ve been alone through the worse moments of my life. Alone when I didn’t want to be alone. I find it hard to live in a world free of abuse, it’s what I’ve been programmed for for. A non abuse world feels alien to me. Watching people have friends and family, watching people do well at work and not struggle with every dam thought or feeling. Non of it particularly makes sense to me. I no longer people please as I can’t be bothered. That has been my whole previous identity so I’m lost at the moment of my purpose.

@finklestreet

Same! You speak with such authority on how people shouldn't be speaking with authority.

But absolutely, Reddit is the best way forward for anybody with psychological issues. Your wisdom's really showing there.

If you're baffled, that's your responsibility to fix. 'Adults take responsibility for themselves' ought not to be a baffling concept. Good luck if you think that any adult can be happy in any other way.

@Lovel2 , I can hear the pain in your posts. I agree with others though, and I'm sorry if it sounds like tough love but I say it with good intentions.

I could be feeling incredibly sorry for myself right now. I had an alcoholic mother, learned to by a people pleaser to avoid her wrath. Married an emotionally abusive and sexually exploitative narcissist. Stayed with him for nearly 20 years. This year I left him, finally.

The future I wanted, dreamed of is gone. I wanted a life partner. I wanted to grow old with the father of my children, in our beautiful home in the countryside. Instead I am selling that home and facing a future alone as I don't think I could trust anyone again. Am I sad, grieving? Yes, but I am also many other things.

Grateful that I have moved on from his abuse. Grateful that I have 2 gorgeous kids and good friends.
I'm having counselling to help me address my lack of boundaries and my people-pleasing. Yes, it's a truly awful time but the worst is behind me. I suspect the same is true for you.

@Watchkeys My state of bafflement doesn't trouble me. It's that still small voice inside, for which I am ever grateful.

I'm happy to see that others on this thread have called you out. We are all entitled to our opinions.

@finklestreet

We are all entitled to our opinions

Thank you.

@MumLass I left the abuse 4 years ago and it’s take time for these feelings to surface. Originally when I left I was so happy and grateful. Trauma has taken time to show in me and is showing in my oldest daughter now only years later. People do experience things differently.

I take what I can from all posts. It really isn’t a one size fits all. Some people respond well the more authority approach, I don’t think that is me. I do know I’m a bit of a soft person who doesn’t do well with that approach personally.

My heart goes out to you. I've only just realised that I've gone through this after so long feeling like I'm empty inside and that there's a flaw inside of me that I can't let anyone see. You're not flawed or bad or unlovable or anything. You're an amazing human being and the fact you've even realised what's happened is an amazing first step. The only way is up from here. X

@finklestreet

Yes, I agree - but you can articulate it much better than me! Prodding and pushing and poking at the OP s thoughts and feelings is both dismissive and belittling. And is another example of having someone squash your voice, tell you you're wrong to feel the way you do, push you down into your little box, be quiet... All the same messages the OP has endured throughout her life. Validation and understanding is key to good therapy imo. Through that comes change.

I'll look at reddit. I find Twitter is another good source for hearing first hand of people's experiences living through and finding strategies to cope with cptsd.

OP my advice is to start small, if it's only 4 years since you escaped abuse then it's early days and you still have a lot of healing to do. If you feel you wish to pursue more therapy be careful to choose someone you feel comfortable with. If not try another until you find one right for you.
In every day life when you feel jealousy and resentment try focusing on what you have achieved and what you have. Not easy l know, but comparison is the thief of joy and will make you feel much worse. I suspect its the voice of your inner critic telling you you are not good enough, but ignore that voice because in spite of everything you have a home, children and a partner and you are free from your abuser. That is a huge achievement and something you can be proud of. Concentrate on this, and start to think of ways you can find pleasure in small things to start with. Whatever you like or enjoy try to do that and build on it. I wish you well and hope you can find some happiness.

I know my purpose in life is to do things that make me feel happy and my children who I love. I know bad things happen to everyone. A friend went through a very physically abusive relationship. We met at the same support group. She had her mum to support her and when she left her mum held and loved her. I pretended all was fine to my mum, I felt like I was going to explode and very almost did.

When I see friends going through terrible things like cancer or bereavement and they say I couldn’t have got through it without so and so etc I die a little inside. When my dad died who I loved very much I was alone. My mum was too wrapped up in her own feelings, my husband at the time physically walked over me when I came home from the hospital and shrugged his shoulders. I never experienced what I’ve been through I pushed it deep inside. I envy a friend who is receiving chemo because of the overwhelming love and support she receives. It hurts me a great deal. I’m sure that sounds awful. Everything is better when you are not alone. When you are alone nothing feels real. It’s how I feel about my abusive marriage. Did it really happen because I experienced it alone.

@Lovel2

I'm so sorry you have been left to face such adversity and anguish alone.

People who are telling you that "only you are responsible for yourself as an adult" and that you are "too needy" etc etc....these tend to be the very same people who will say, during another conversation, "I could never have made it through [cancer treatment/workplace bullying and job loss/grief over brother's sudden death/fill-in-the-blank] without the support of my husband."

Notice the contradiction? They are hypocrites who lack self-awareness and compassion. They tend to think they "know everything."

You are not the problem.
They are the problem.

They are not suitable as "friendship material" or as people to confide in. Be polite, but recognise their limitations and keep your own counsel. A true friend is hard to find, but is a great blessing when you do.

@finklestreet I have a mother in law like that. I’ve said that I struggle as I have a young child who does not sleep EVER!! She has said oh well that’s being a parent, you chose to have children. She will then say how her son needs sleep and that his is a priority. Then in the next breath will say how her husband used to take shifts at night so she got sleep.

At the time I was in the support group and I was told I probably have c-ptsd and my friend was diagnosed with ptsd I asked why am I finding it so much harder why is mine complex. The lady said it was because she had her mum to talk to and I never had anyone. Things shared are easier to overcome.

@Lovel2 I have found that a significant number of people behave in this dreadful way - the majority in fact. Learning to recognise the pattern, rather than hoping for something different from them (a little kindness? A little support?) will make your life so much more peaceful.

you're in no position to give advice because you haven't reached adulthood. @Watchkeys

And I don't think I'll be taking advice from someone who's happy to fling around insults @Watchkeys

@Lovel2 Yes they are, but those who have this blessing in their life rarely recognise how lucky they are, or are willing to acknowledge the many who were dealt a lesser hand.

@BlueMantle
I'm loving all the wisdom and straight talk on this thread! 💐

I guess they don’t see it as lucky as it’s what parents are supposed to do.

Similar background. I used to think of my mum as simply one of my ancestors then visually crowd her out by imagining the faces of all my other ancestors who would support me, have my back and cheer me onwards. Helped me feel I belonged somewhere and grounded me. It did really help at low points, your family isn’t just your immediate relatives it’s also those who have gone before you going back through centuries. Hope this helps xx

@finklestreet i sometimes feel they become hard and tell themselves they don’t need anyone. I know mother in law lost her mum aged 2 but her father was loving. She is very cold and pragmatic. There will never be support from her. I think it’s a lie they end up believing.

@Lovel2 That's right - it's what parents are supposed to do.

Those who ignore the fact that not everyone has parents like that are oblivious to the human condition because they lack compassion. Otherwise known as "I'm alright Jack."

@Roste I love this idea

It’s a nice idea but it was my mum who has programmed my brain as a child. She ignored me and put the fear of god into me as a teenager. There was only her voice for a long time .