My upbringing is ruining my life, what do I do?

[Lovel2]

I was neglected emotionally as a child. My mum was controlling and nothing was good enough. My brother was the golden child and always has been. I entered a 10 year abusive marriage at 24 after finishing my studies. He treated me terrible and I tried to please him into treating me better.

I have learned via therapy that my upbringing made me a people pleaser and my self esteem and identity pretty much was non existent. It has always been important that people like me because I’ve never felt liked. I was bullied in school and at university for being different. I do struggle with relationships. I get jealous of other people.

I can’t seem to shake this gaping hole. I don’t see my achievements. I should have achieved more if I wasn’t like I am. I don’t want to ruin my current relationship. I don’t feel happy about what I have although I know it’s enough.

How do you fix this feeling, it’s been 40 years and I’m sick of it? I’ve never had someone be proud of me. I’ve not told my family of the abuse. I went to court and divorced with no one knowing as it was awful. My mum would not have understood or supported so it was best to be alone. Only I’m sick to death of holding this alone. I am the failure in the family. I just want a hug and some emotional support or something.

I'm sure he is a good guy. Does he support you, respect you, is he proud of you, does he listen to you? I had some relationships with some good people that nearly broke me, because we weren't compatible and I felt pushed aside, not listened to, minimised, diminished etc. It's not about whether he's a good guy. It's about what you need and want from a relationship, and whether you're getting it.

I want to be able to add to our lives

Yes, how? It seems difficult for you to say what you want. Quite possibly because you've never had it or been asked to say it. What you're doing is a bit like

'What do you want for dinner?'
'Food'

Get specific. What do you wish you could add to your lives? You have to work this out otherwise it's like playing darts without knowing where the board is. Or the darts.

Adam Cam (self discovery author) has some very harsh advice that many people don't like!

Your past, your traumas, they’re not things you asked for, but they happened anyway. And the truth is, life doesn’t care about fairness.

You have the choice and the power to grow, to heal, and to be better than your past.

There’s no sugarcoating that it hurt like hell. We’ve all had our battles, and they left marks, but those scars aren’t the entirety of who we are, nor should they dictate who we become.

If you keep yourself chained to those past pains, believing they’re responsible for everything wrong in your life, you’re doing yourself a massive disservice, and will live the rest of your life as a helpless, hopeless victim.

You’re better than that.

Those hardships you’ve endured? They’re not your life’s defining story, but a part of your growth narrative.

The healing journey isn’t easy - growth rarely is. It’s tough and messy, hence why most people don’t even start. But it’s about recognising, that despite the hurt, you have the power to heal and grow, if you choose to.

Remember, you are not just your past. You’re the strength that endured, the resilience that survived.

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@Watchkeys he does his best with what I tell him. I don’t say too much as I feel it’s a lot to dump on a person. It’s a lot for him to have to take the flack financially because of my poor health as well as all the mental load and the children and the house. I want to add physically and financially. What use am I to sit at home not being able to contribute financially and it all be on his head. I’m worried about the future and how much he will tolerate. I hide what I need as it’s going to be too much.

OP, reread all of @Watchkeys' posts, which are excellent. Especially if you find yourself rejecting what she says. I think they are exactly what you need to start exploring in therapy. I'm not unsympathetic, as I also had an upbringing by parents who had no idea how to parent, which left me feeling very 'invisible' in adulthood. What I've understood, in therapy, is that my lack of visibility to myself makes me invisible to others. If I work on 'seeing' myself, and seeing myself as important, that will translate into other people also seeing me, but that's not the point. A well-balanced individual doesn't need external validation, and placing too much emphasis on it means you're wobbly from leaning over outside your own self's 'core' towards other people you want to 'see' you.

@DramatisPersonae a well balanced person started off with a well balanced childhood. My whole being has been developed around neglect. Then another decade of abuse in my relationship. Then
years trying to undo all that mess as well as the trauma and looking after children and trying to protect them and give them a home and work as well as being unwell, I’m at the end of my resilience, I’m so so desperate for the external support. How do I continue to support them if I’m done in physically, I’ve literally done myself in getting through life. I can’t be unwell as how will I cope. My mind which has kept me going for so long is now physically exhausted.

To be honest kind words about my achievements now will do nothing to make my life better. If only I’d have something on my journey to have made the load lighter. Maybe I wouldn’t be in this position. All of that is too late, my illness is lifelong now and can’t be undone with therapy.

It doesn’t matter how much people tell you that you need to love yourself then others will love you, or heal yourself, or value yourself, and that no-one else can do that for you: the fact is we are social mammals and we live our lives and our selves through our relationships with others. Positive relationships with others, nurture us, feeling valued by others makes us feel valued, having others celebrate our acheivements makes this achievements bigger to ourselves. We have a deeply symbiotic relationship with other people.

I don’t have any answers for you OP but you are not wrong to feel how you do, and don’t let anyone persuade you that you are at fault for feeling like you do.

Absolutely this.

@baroqueandblue I missed your original post. I think that’s the problem, plus we all see and deal with things differently. I’ve never had a single person to talk to. I’ve been forced into pregnancy by my ex, sneaked an abortion on my own and was heavily reprimanded by my ex. No one ever knew, this happened twice. I married and divorced in secret, I was coerced. I had a miscarriage no one knew, he hurt me and no one knew. Always always on my own. People always let me down. What have a really achieved, nothing but fixing life’s unfairness.

Now I’m struggling, do people see or hear me, no they say I’m lazy. Will my partner stay once it gets difficult, he doesn’t owe me anything. People tell me to move on. There is so much to move on from. I want some unconditional love, someone to say it will all be ok, but im an adult now and no one owes me anything. If I can’t make it ok then I’m screwed and forgotten. It’s already happening.

"If only" your life before was ... what? that defeatist looking back attitude at a past, that now can't be changed, achieves what exactly?

Being resentful that your parents didn't provide you with stable upbringing they should have? Even if they did fall down on their hands and knees now and beg your forgiveness. What difference would it make it to the here and now?

wouldn't make very little. you could've chosen to address all your chronic self-esteem issues at the age of 15,17, 19,21, before you started in a 10 year relationship. but you didn't choose that, and it can't now be changed. that the only thing that you can do is address it now this victim mentality and work on all your issues. For your sole benefit. Only you can choose to do this. No one else. No one is going to do it for you, it's all down to you .

@Lovel2
I had a very abusive mother, been no contact for 18 years, it took me until I was 32 to make the break.
I spent years yearning for a mother that would love me and supposed me. I came to the realisation that I didn't need her validation, I've done pretty well without her. She's one person, do not let that be the marker of success that she cares.
Be proud of yourself & all you've achieved.

@Oblomov23 how could I have chosen to fix my issues before I knew I had any? Do you think I knew I was going into an abusive relationship?

@HerMammy I don’t seek my mothers validation.

When/ what age did you first realise that your upbringing was emotionally abusive? When did you realise you had self esteem issues. Not pre 24? When? post the 10 year relationship?

@Oblomov23 a coupe of years ago when I had some counselling. I’m 40 now. It’s very difficult not only to deal with that but to deal with all the trauma of the relationship on top. I had an emotional breakdown from the trauma.

Have you ever had any counselling before? Have you read any self-help books? What have you tried so far?

@Oblomov23 there forgiveness means Jack to me now. The damage was done. I’ve had to deal with so much because of what they made me into as a young person. I do not require forgiveness. I have to live with the things that happened in my relationship.

I’ve read and had some counselling. I understand why I did what I did but nothing can take away the pain and I carry what I went through alone as I did when it happened. Having abortions alone, waking half way through one screaming. Him smashing up our flat whilst I was trying to rest. Nothing takes it away, that feeling of being alone.

It helps to start thinking of living well and finding happiness as a winning against the people who screwed you up in the first place. That may seem trite, but it has always helped me to frame it that way.

I see people and their happy families and it sickens me. I’m angry it wasn’t me. I see people getting support and I’m resentful, I want to stay away from them all to stop the feelings in me. But when I stay indoors out the way I feel more left out, I can never win. My family don’t see me, my in laws don’t see me. I see me and I’m just an angry resentful child wanting to destroy what others have because I never had it but don’t act on it because I’m not horrible so turn those feelings on to myself for having then despite knowing why I have them.

OP, people’s lives aren’t as great as they look from the outside.

I had my mum dying when I was 4, bullied in school, nc with my dad from age 16 (he is now dead) and I had severe mental health issues as a teenager. I still find it hard to connect deeply with anyone except for a couple of close friends and my husband.

At the moment, my husband has been diagnosed with cancer with a very uncertain prognosis. I am pouring everything into making my children secure and to make the best out of every day.

From the outside, I look very happy, our family looks very secure and our children come across as extremely balanced, bright and friendly.

I have spent years in therapy and am currently in therapy to deal with my husband’s illness and the very real risk of losing him.

My work colleagues think that I am confident and happy. I tell them funny stories about what my children have been up to and museums /films we have been to. I could one of the people you envy. You never know what is going on behind closed doors.

Life is messy and painful. But with great counselling, acceptance and self compassion we can move forward.

What would you like to achieve from this post? Is it to simply validate your anger and frustration with your upbringing (which ppl do understand and is sadly experienced by many in childhood) Or, do you need advice/solutions on how to deal with your complex emotions and needs. The anger is understandable, but it also sounds like it’s keeping you locked into a negative thinking cycle. As strangers on the internet we can totally emphasise here and there have been some posts trying to help you, but unless you tell us what you need from posting this, we’re a bit lost. Also as strangers from the internet, we can’t say ‘oh well done you!’ for things you’ve done without sounding insincere, although I’m sure you’ve carried so much by yourself. What I’m trying to say is, we cannot possibly give you what you need or seek, because I think you’re yearning for it to come from your Mother and it’s likely never going to happen. You need to find a way to make peace for your own sake x

Op, I hear in your posts the feelings of emptiness, the lack of identity, intense anger and the fear that your OH will leave you.
I just want to leave this link here as it’s possible you maybe be suffering from borderline personality disorder.
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/about-bpd/

@thecatinthetwat ive wondered that. My therapist a little while ago mentioned complex-ptsd. I think they are pretty similar.