Dp wanting anal more often…

[Forums4321]

Hi all, I’m not sure the rules on MN about certain words language (anal etc) so let’s hope this isn’t taken down!

looking for some opinions. My dp of 8 years, has resorted to anal the past 3 times we have had sex. I was the type of person that said I’d never do anal, until last year when we were a bit freaky and he wanted to do it so I tried it out. He had done it with other women before me but as I said I’d never do it we hadn’t gone down that route. When we tried it out for the first time I was quite open to it as I’ve been with him for so long, feel comfortable and open to more sexual experiences if it makes him happy.

we only did it a few times here and there over the past year but last week during sex he started ‘playing around’ down there and went for it again. I wasn’t bothered and just took it as another one-off. Then this week it happened again and tonight it has happened again. So the last 3 times we have had sex, we have started normally and it has ended up in the other ‘place’.

He kept saying how amazing his orgasm was from it etc due to it being ‘tight’. Tonight when he was finishing he mumbled that it’s so much better (meaning better than the vagina I assume). I instantly felt a bit annoyed with that comment but thought he had just said it in the moment. However after he had finished and stood up he repeatedly was telling me how amazing it was and ‘so much better’ ‘way better’.

He hasn’t realised this has caused me any offense, he’s just happy at the moment. But I feel quite upset about this. I feel like my vagina is not ‘good enough’ after he’s now CHOSEN to switch to anal for 3 times in a row! The comments about it being so much better is making me feel like im not tight down there so he’s preferring anal. Ofcourse it’s natural the bum hole would be much tighter I know this but if he’s deliberately choosing now to go down that route i feel I must be quite loose.

also, I don’t want this to become a regular thing. I’m happy to do it once in a while, ‘spice it up’ etc but I don’t want it to become normal.

what do you all think?

Only being with one man might have given you a limited perspective on what good reciprocal and connected sex is.

Prioritising his pleasure over your comfort, pushing the boundaries on a sex act you just tolerate and trying to make it the norm, repeatedly comparing your orifices to each other (ew), not using lube.... I mean... he doesn't sound good at all to me.

You say you feel comfortable with him but you haven't felt comfortable to tell him anal is not pleasurable for you and off the menu.

He's applying pressure with his repeated 'ooh so much better' comments because he wants this to be his regular thing, despite you not liking it.

It's not ok.

I'm sorry but you regularly engage in an unenjoyable and painful sexual experience that you have not explicitly consented to because you want to make your partner happy? I find that really concerning. I would be horrified if my DDs ended up in relationships where they felt like this. Makes me realise I am going to have to have some uncomfortable but necessary conversations with them on this subject in the coming years.

Definitely. It is your body and yours alone.

Ask him if he has read up on the increased health risks (TO YOU!) of this form of sex.

Most of all, never do anything that you feel uncomfortable with.

He knows you don’t enjoy it and he gets off on that fact.

This

Exactly what I was thinking 🤔
OP the anus is for having a poo not a vessel for a penis !
Do you want to be feacally incontinent in the future and will your partner support you when that happens?

He told you what he has been up to with other women so made an environment where it is seen as ok and if you say no you seem uptight or unreasonable

Its painful and you don’t enjoy it

You haven’t actually told him how you actually feel

This is not a good relationship

You have just saved me writing all this!

Sorry for intruding as a man, but in case it is of some value, it sounded to me like he is aware that it happening so frequently is not something you have discussed, is hopeful that you have changed your mind about it and are happy with it but is unsure so is saying stuff to try to persuade you that it is in fact ok. I really do not think that the most likely scenario is that he is will be thinking the virginal sex is bad - as he is almost certainly doesn't and why would he want to upset you like that?

Faecal incontinence used to be reserved for the elderly and rarely seen in young women.

Not any more. Do women really want to spend the rest of their lives in adult nappies/ diapers?!

Oh OP I hope you are reading this thread and taking it in. I've had many lovers and partners and not one has ever commented on the tightness of my vagina. If they did I would walk away immediately. Sex should only ever happen if it is enjoyable for both (or more if that's your thing) people. Never ever should one person put up with something for the benefit of the other. Read this thread again and again. Get the strength to work out what you want.

1987syderrs exactly. Somewhat aware that my DP being to big for that sort of thing sounds like a tmi boast, but how tiny a penis do you have to have where anal is best?

Men are stupid that’s just the way they are.
Men are simple

Ah the "men are all the same and anything offensive, cruel, inappropriate, disrespectful etc they do is excusable because they're just all silly and clueless" approach.

They're not all the same and being isn't an excuse for any of the above.

They're not supposed to understand why any of this is bad or hurtful; if it was being done to them, they would understand perfectly well.

Stop making excuses for shitty men.

I was just thinking this.

I'm sending DDs out into this porn soaked world and basic conversations around consent aren't going to cut it. I'm going to have to be explicit at some point and discuss what porn makes men think should be available, and why they don't have to go along with that. And really discuss how them saying no may be a surprise to these men who will have been completely inculcated in the idea that it's all about them.

Conversations that my parents wouldn't have been thinking they needed to have with their young teen daughters for sure. And my parents did not shy away from open and honest conversations, they just didn't have to prepare me to expect my early sexual experiences to be based on hard core misogynistic porn. I'm old enough that my adolescent sexual experiences were based on nothing but snatched conversations or page 3 lusting and we worked things out together based on what felt good and worked. No party came into those experiences with a film of women damaging porn in their head as the background scene.

We're all off to hell in a hand basket.

*being male isn't an excuse for any of the above.

I am bloody bloody incredibly amazingly glad that I am 52.
Not once in 34 years has DH pressured me for anal. In our day, it was niche and unusual. It was not an expectation. Neither was shaving the vulva.

I feel sorry for my daughter's generation, I really do. If it's not for you, just say so. You don't have to give stuff a go because it makes you adventurous or cool. There is a perfectly viable nature given hole for a penis. He's lucky enough to be getting regular access to that!

So true @QuickWash

And frightening.

DD is saying she's more interested in girls at the moment thank goodness.

I think you really need to look at what you are writing that without consent he does something that you find painful and uncomfortable because it is better for him and he constantly puts you down

this isn’t behaviour I would expect from a loving partner is he like this in everything

Is the vaginal sex that good either if you dry up during it (you could use lube) and after 8 years he still has to ask if you like what he’s doing? He should know how to get you off - he doesn’t sound like a caring or interested or respectful partner

how exactly does anal sex make you more, err, open to leaking poop? Here's the deal: "Anal intercourse could dilate and eventually stretch the internal and external anal sphincters leading to damage of these structures, as demonstrated by the lower resting pressure," write the study authors. "This lower pressure and possible damage to the internal and external anal sphincters could lead to FI [fetal incontinence] via muscle atrophy and sensory deficits

Porn actresses theoretically accept financial compensation for wrecking their back passages and risking ending up incontinent.... What financial compensation are you getting for doing it??

They also (theoretically) choose to do that as part of their work.
You're being put under pressure/coerced/having it assumed you're going to do it in a relationship; where you feel you have to, or it might affect your relationship if you don't etc. You don't even have the agency of a porn actress.

Sex isn't supposed to be painful, why would you do it when it hurts you?

Does he check you're ok with anal beforehand or does he just start sticking his dick in?

Just read your other thread. He treats you like crap, for your own sanity you need to leave.

What's your housing situation, in your name/joint names?

Wait a mo he’s double dipping isn’t he

vagina then anal fuck sake. That’s bad news

This X 100.