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Original poster

Dp wanting anal more often…

427 replies

Forums4321 · 15/07/2023 22:56

Hi all, I’m not sure the rules on MN about certain words language (anal etc) so let’s hope this isn’t taken down!

looking for some opinions. My dp of 8 years, has resorted to anal the past 3 times we have had sex. I was the type of person that said I’d never do anal, until last year when we were a bit freaky and he wanted to do it so I tried it out. He had done it with other women before me but as I said I’d never do it we hadn’t gone down that route. When we tried it out for the first time I was quite open to it as I’ve been with him for so long, feel comfortable and open to more sexual experiences if it makes him happy.

we only did it a few times here and there over the past year but last week during sex he started ‘playing around’ down there and went for it again. I wasn’t bothered and just took it as another one-off. Then this week it happened again and tonight it has happened again. So the last 3 times we have had sex, we have started normally and it has ended up in the other ‘place’.

He kept saying how amazing his orgasm was from it etc due to it being ‘tight’. Tonight when he was finishing he mumbled that it’s so much better (meaning better than the vagina I assume). I instantly felt a bit annoyed with that comment but thought he had just said it in the moment. However after he had finished and stood up he repeatedly was telling me how amazing it was and ‘so much better’ ‘way better’.

He hasn’t realised this has caused me any offense, he’s just happy at the moment. But I feel quite upset about this. I feel like my vagina is not ‘good enough’ after he’s now CHOSEN to switch to anal for 3 times in a row! The comments about it being so much better is making me feel like im not tight down there so he’s preferring anal. Ofcourse it’s natural the bum hole would be much tighter I know this but if he’s deliberately choosing now to go down that route i feel I must be quite loose.

also, I don’t want this to become a regular thing. I’m happy to do it once in a while, ‘spice it up’ etc but I don’t want it to become normal.

what do you all think?

OP posts:

Thread gallery

shouldwemoveintogether · 15/07/2023 23:43

I agree with the poster who said he is prioritising his 'better' orgasm over you. By constantly saying 'it's 'so much better' 'it's way better' he is enforcing to you that his experience is important and making you feel that your vagina isn't as good, hence laying the foundations that anal is his preference. You'll then feel like you want him to enjoy himself so you'll keep letting him do it.

Fuck that. You are finding it painful and he knows it. The fact you said he has slowed down so you can control it. He knows it's uncomfortable at best, and painful at worst. There is no respect there.

Tell him it's painful for you and you don't enjoy it. It's off the table. It's vagina or nothing. If he doesn't like it he can go to fuck.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2023 23:43

assuming he's a selfish abusive partner.

He isn't checking in that she's enjoying something. Yes, he's selfish.

LolaButt · 15/07/2023 23:45

Time to slam shut the back door.

He sounds gross.

justasking111 · 15/07/2023 23:46

TheoTheopolis23 · 15/07/2023 23:00

"However, women who engage in anal sex are at greater risk from it than men. “Increased rates of faecal incontinence and anal sphincter injury have been reported in women who have anal intercourse,” the report said.
“Women are at a higher risk of incontinence than men because of their different anatomy and the effects of hormones, pregnancy and childbirth on the pelvic floor.
“Women have less robust anal sphincters and lower anal canal pressures than men, and damage caused by anal penetration is therefore more consequential."

That's what I think

That's what I think too. The thought of faecal incontinence is horrifying. It's not worth pleasing anyone to wind up leaking faeces.

JudgeRudy · 15/07/2023 23:46

Could it be that talking about tightness and how you're squeezing him is all part of the experience...so sex/dirty talk...rather than a specific technical description?

JacquelinePot · 15/07/2023 23:47

I think that's enough internet for me today.

This is really sad, op. You need to ask yourself (and him) why his sexual pleasure is more important than your pleasure/pain/comfort/safety. Why do you both think more of him than of you? I honestly think you could use some therapy to build up your self esteem.

And yes, a massive strap on so that he can see what you're dealing with. Although that may backfire seeing as he (unlike you) has a reason to enjoy it up the bum.

jannier · 15/07/2023 23:50

Forums4321 · 15/07/2023 23:10

I’m not opposed to it. I used to be but after doing it the first time, I’m quite ‘open’ to trying new things with HIM. Only because he’s my life long partner and I feel comfortable/secure with him, so im open to more sexual experiences with him - depending/nothing too crazy!

I don’t actually find it enjoyable physically, it’s rather painful but he’s slowed down a lot and lets me take control so I can handle it better. If he only uses a finger (at the start) I do enjoy that though.

i don’t want to think too deep into his comments, he was just enjoying himself but clearly he does prefer the orgasm from the anal compared to vagina so I feel a little weird about that now…

Show quote history

It's painful you don't enjoy it so why is he still doing it? Do you tell him or suffer in silence? If you were hurting him would he let you carry on?
I hope you can cope with incontinence and anal fissures etc.

Dullardmullard · 15/07/2023 23:50

You need to tell him you don’t actually enjoy anal

plus no lube ffs no wonder it’s fucking painful

if your vagina is dry we have lube for that

plus if doing anal you need to be prepared for it with lots and lots and lots of lube.

your man is a selfish fukker

Amybelle88 · 15/07/2023 23:50

Jongleterre · 15/07/2023 23:01

Peg him.

😂😂😂😂😂

Cakeandcoffee93 · 15/07/2023 23:51

OP it could be that the comment isn’t just it’s great because of tightness, it could be because it is viewed as naughty etc
also when we do anal- which I enjoy but never used to with previous partners- use plenty of lube, I also make sure I’m maxed out with a vibrator in the other area and a little vibrator for my outside bits lol
i get the three way pleasure experience
also I don’t enjoy it on all fours as it feels weird
missionary is way better

but please tell him exactly how you feel!!!
this is your experience not his!

babbscrabbs · 15/07/2023 23:51

I get it's horses for courses and some women enjoy it, but I imagine there are so SO many women having anal sex they don't really want to have to please their partners.

It's not cool, it shouldn't be normalised, it's ok not too want to do it - ever.

Porn is making it an expected part of people's repertoire. Along with aggressive behaviour.

I'll be talking to my sons about it when they're old enough.

oakleaffy · 15/07/2023 23:52

@Forums4321 Faecal incontinence - do you really want to risk this? Say ''No''.

I haven't done it due to risks of incontinence- it's not worth it in my opinion.

Channellingsophistication · 15/07/2023 23:53

why suffer pain for his pleasure? Does he know it pains you?

ElizaWinter · 15/07/2023 23:53

Doesn't sound like you really want it if you're honest. Be true to yourself

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2023 23:54

Cakeandcoffee93 · 15/07/2023 23:51

but please tell him exactly how you feel!!!
this is your experience not his!

I just KNEW someone would be along with a post like this. There is always someone on every anal thread with helpful tips about something THEY like.

OP doesn't. And her doing everything she can to tolerate it, isn't the point. If her DP checked in, used lube, asked about her preferences etc. she wouldn't be here.

gemstoneju · 15/07/2023 23:54

Also linked to infections and poss even blood poisoning due to risk of ruptures. I mean why? If he wanted to beat you with a poker would that be okay, if it 'gives him pleasure'?

Confusion101 · 15/07/2023 23:56

he’s my life long partner and I feel comfortable/secure with him

Then you should be able to talk to him!

OP myself and my partner would experiment sometimes. The second it causes either one of us any discomfort it's a no and an immediate stop! Nobody has to "power through" for the other person's pleasure.

oakleaffy · 15/07/2023 23:56

gemstoneju · 15/07/2023 23:54

Also linked to infections and poss even blood poisoning due to risk of ruptures. I mean why? If he wanted to beat you with a poker would that be okay, if it 'gives him pleasure'?

Good point. OP you sound so passive, like you give in to what he wants without wanting it for yourself?

HairyOctupus · 15/07/2023 23:58

I don’t actually find it enjoyable physically, it’s rather painful but he’s slowed down a lot and lets me take control so I can handle it better.

You are saying yourself that this is something you can school yourself to handle, while for him, it's the best way for him to orgasm.

I'm very sorry for you, this doesn't sound great to me.

Anal has never been something that appealed to me. Anyone ever suggested it to me, I've always answered 'ok, but you first'. Never took it any further.

It is absolutely more widespread nowadays, but not because it's so great for women.

Think on that.

mrwalkensir · 15/07/2023 23:58

Sounds like he has a small penis!

QuickWash · 15/07/2023 23:59

I don't think a commentary on how tight and small your vagina is, is remotely alluring or sexy. It would do absolutely for me.

But, then comparing the tightness of your anus to your vagina?

None of this sounds like it makes you feel good and it even reading it makes me feel bad!

If it helps I've never had the tightness of any orifice commented on, by any sexual partner. I've given birth vaginally multiple times, had tears, stitches, piles, the lot, and my current sexual partner has never said a single remotely derogatory word about my body, genitals or the sexual experiences we share. If he did, I wouldn't be having those experiences with him again.

You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to have boundaries. You're meant to feel good, comfortable, safe and happy.

MrsElsa · 16/07/2023 00:01

Sex is what 2 people enjoy. Not 1 person enjoys and 1 tolerates. There is a word for that.

Have you seen the consent is like a cup of tea thing? Might help you see what is wrong with the situation and start to put boundaries in place.

Tophy124 · 16/07/2023 00:03

His constant commenting on how tight you are is disgusting to me. That would kill my mood instantly. He sounds horrible at sex honestly!!

truthhurts23 · 16/07/2023 00:09

you said he enjoys anal with ex girlfriend, so does that mean that they were all loose too?
obviously the anus is tighter because things aren’t meant to be going UP, only out
maybe his penis is on the small side or it’s skinny so the only way to get pleasure is from the other hole

Mumtothreegirlies · 16/07/2023 00:10

Men are stupid that’s just the way they are. I doubt he intentionally meant to hurt your feelings. Rather he was feeling comfortable enough after 8 years to be honest with you about how different types of sex feels for him.
My husband and I have had anal sex on and off over the years when I’m in the mood. It can be enjoyable if you’re feeling extra horny and use toys lube etc, but you have to be in a specific type of mood and it’s not something you’d ever want to spend hours doing , it’s literally a few minutes if that to avoid doing any damage. Although I understand why a lot of women are against doing it. If you’re not into it then don’t be afraid to say. If he loves you he’ll respect that.
i think you have to look at the positives, he loves having sex with you and he fancies you!
now all you have to say is sorry love but I don’t enjoy it. Once he gets over it he’ll go back to loving your vagina again. Men are simple I wouldn’t worry or overthink it.

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