I give my DH the ick

[200miles]

Two young kids (pre school). Both me and DH work full time.

Pretty happy and settled. DH is very good with the kids. So hands on (rubbish at admin etc but v present and always playing).

But he's a grumpy git. Just like my dad is. And the grumpiness is almost entirely towards me. Nothing major, I'm not scared of him. But he just acts like he's got the ick around me. For example if he notices I'm on my period (tampax box out in the loo) he might grimace. We were just away and he made a comment about how big my bikini bottoms were, always "joking" but I'm not an idiot...I'm late 30s, size 12, and admittedly don't make a huge amount of effort with my looks at home. But also he often doesn't respond to what I'm saying and if I pick him on it he will say "don't know what you want me to say". He talks to me about practical stuff like the price of petrol or the bins but often seems totally bored by anything else I have to contribute. He doesn't kiss me and sex is very infrequent and brief. I see him roll his eyes a lot. He is also worse when we are out. He does have days of being fine with me and we get on but I just feel he doesn't like me that much anymore.

I have tried talking to him and he makes a joke. If I push it he will call me sensitive or I'm being mad. If I keep pushing it he can get v angry "get over yourself" "you're talking absolute shit" etc.

We both earn similar amounts and work similar jobs. I really don't know if I can stand shared custody and losing my home. The kids really are v happy as we rarely argue and we are both happy and present with them. But there is such a sadness in me.

I'm considering staying but just building a thicker skin and finding my fun elsewhere. Not an affair but just increasing my social life and hobbies now my kids are getting closer to school age.

Can that ever work as a strategy?

I got turned down for a promotion last week and I didn't tell him about any of it. Not lying just didn't bother as I knew he'd either say something mean or just be uninterested so to save myself the disappointment I just keep stuff to myself

Bless you. This is so so far from normal, you've been worn down over the years.

He's has no passion for you, no interest in you, he's not your life companion. Do not give your life over to him. It also does not model healthy relationships for your DC if you are thinking of staying together for the kids; it's not just about conflict and loud arguments but the overall dynamic of the home.

It will take a period of turbulence but think of how happy you could be in the long term. You matter

This!!
I think it's the narcissism in them that wants the best kind of woman, but also this woman flourishing is a mirror up to all his own flaws so deep down he can't handle it and feels he has to get power over her and tear her down if he dares take a micro second break from adoring him (in my case it was tending to my own self care when I was pregnant)

Also I think when you're still unsure, it's natural human instinct to feel a bit defensive of the status quo. He tricked you into thinking he's a good guy but sadly he isn't. You're not expected to drop everything immediately this will all take some time to sink in and be absorbed.

But I have never heard anyone say that they wished their unhappy parents had stayed together miserably for their sake - I'd hate to be blamed or feel responsible for that!

Yes! I have told this story on here before but his total lack of care during my pregnancies was an eye opener for his complete lack of empathy. I vomited every morning for 9 months of both pregnancies.

about 6 months into DC2 I was doing my usual violent retching into the bathroom (off the hallway) and heard the hallway door into the kitchen shut.

after I finished I went through and said “why did you shut the door?”

ex H: “I’m just so bored of hearing that every morning”

My misery was boring to him.
Still took me another 5 years to leave 😐

I told that to people as a “funny story” as the time (boiled frog) and after we split people told me they remembered that story and were horrified.

Only the worst of men, the very very worst would hurt their children to score points off their ex.

Remember that.

So what if he says it.
You can't control this prick.

You can control YOU and how you respond.

Step back.
Drop the rope.
Ask him absolutely nothing about himself.
Cease all conversation that doesn't involve the children.
If he asks you whats up or wrong, say nothing.
Not engaging is like a muscle that needs exercising.
Practice and you will get it working.
Very important that you confide in those that care for you.

What age are your children?

Do the math as to when would be a date in the future to aim for.
This will help you focus, seeing an end date.

We are here for you, to cheer you along.
So post as and when you need us.

He already hates you!! And yes he will create a story where you're the monster but who cares! Not you any more! You'll be freeeee! (And your children will know you're a lovely mummy)

Those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind

All of them are nice and charming SONETIMES

I was a pregnant boiled frog too :-(

Sounds like growing up with a grumpy dad has conditioned you to think this is normal - no wonder you've had rubbish boyfriends and now a nasty mean husband.

God yeah @Unexpectedlysinglemum @Endoftheroad12345 there was stuff like that during pregnancies too. "You're being a bit of a drama queen" comments while I lying on the bathroom floor wtretching. I lost a baby at 20 weeks, then had a high risk pregnancy with my youngest and was induced early and he was only in hospital with me for 1 - 2 hours during the whole week. He cuddled new baby for 15 mins then left. (he said he felt bad about leaving our older DC but they were with PIL). It didn't feel that bad at the time but I did feel bad being alone for the whole week in hospital when other women were with partners.

Why does it still feel so undoable? I keep thinking about nativity plays, birthdays, parents evenings, trying to make friends with other parents and all the tension and awfulness.

. I keep thinking that I'll be Ruining their little lives with all the shit. I feel like leaving will unleash something in him that lies maybe not dormant but bubbling away, but fuxk knows what it would look like if I left

I'm being emotional. I know you're all right. Deep down. I am starting to see there is no other option.

@200miles i don’t think nativity plays etc will be as awkward as you think, or worth living a life of misery for.

In terms of your DH you may be right, but then it will be all the more the right decision - as you don’t want to be married to a man like that or have him be a FT parent to your kids either. I don’t think staying with a horrible man to protect your kids ever works out well tbh.

I wonder if you have any close friends who have separated/divorced? Talking to others in the same position can be a lifeline.

I totally get it @200miles

It felt unthinkable to me - until staying felt unthinkable. As soon as I realised ending the marriage was possible, it became inevitable.

I went through all sorts of machinations- I’ll wait 10 years, then the kids will be almost grown up, I’ll wait until his next tantrum (because I know there’ll be one), and then I’ll have a good reason to go.

I went away for a work trip in November 2022 - I was away for 2 weeks and I didn’t miss him at all. It was a life changing trip really - A big deal for me professionally, being sent to the other side of the world. He was utterly vile to me and hostile over it because I now realise he was outraged that his appliance had the gall to inconvenience him for 2 weeks (despite the fact we have a nanny, my sister looked after the kids for the weekend to “give him a break” etc).

While I was away I had dinner with an “old flame” - he wasn’t even that, he was a boy I kissed and held hands with a couple of times at high school parties. He was so utterly delighted to see me, I could see the fondness in his eyes and all I could think was that exH had never looked at me like that. At one point he said “your husband must be so proud of you!” and I thought to myself my husband isn’t proud of me, he treats me like shit. Something could have happened with Old Flame that night but it didn’t because I am a recovering Catholic and the idea of cheating has always been unfathomable to me (despite all of ex’s behaviour, violence, emotional abuse etc).

Anyway I got home from that trip and within 10 min of walking in the door after a 30 hour flight (no hug, no kiss, just radiating hostility) ex H was screaming abuse at me in front. of the kids and a switch just flipped inside my head - I thought am I going to keep choosing is life, am I going to turn my face away from happiness? I might live another 50 years!!! At that point there was no going back and I told ex H it was over 4 days later.

I have never once regretted my decision, even when (or especially when) He’s behaviour over the split has been uttterly vile and unhinged - psychotic abuse, draining our joint savings accounts, going through all my handbags and drawers looking for “evidence” (of what?), throwing out my personal possessions (my Lundy Bancroft book when missing for example).

I got myself a shit ton of therapy - the best thing about it was unburdening myself to a total stranger who basically said holy shit he is awful and YES you were absolutely right to end it. I just felt like I needed that validation (which is another issue I need to work on 😂 you don’t need anyone’s permission to leave - being desperately unhappy in a relationship is enough).

On Valentine’s Day Old Flame sent me flowers and we have (very slowly and cautiously, not least bc we live in different countries 😂) started a romance. It is so so so wonderful - like a warm bath after being outside in the snow. I’ve never felt so loved in my life. I met exH at 20 (I’m now 41)- he was my first real boyfriend. I now realise I’ve subsisted on the absolute crumbs my whole adult life.

My baby's only 5m old so im pretty new out of the relationship, but after counseling and distance all I can say is I should have left myself sooner - reading your story is like a glimpse into what the future would actually have been like ( not the future I wished for with him, which im still mourning) and I'm feeling grateful he just fucked off rather than dragging it on. The narcissist in him needs to be seen as 'great dad' and he regularly visits and plays with baby - I think he will actually be able to be a much better dad with these short sharp bursts of playtime with baby. He absolutely would have broken under pressure and been vile in those postpartum trenches!

You deserve kindness and you will have many people who care about you who will look after you. I'm 100x more supported by my family and village than I would have been if I stayed with ex.

Ps so sorry about your loss of your baby xx

So why would trying to make friends with other parents be affected? I have loads of new mum friends they are all super nice to me.
Nativity plays etc - you can both go you don't have to sit together.

There may well be something bubbling away dormant so I would seek advice from a domestic violence charity about creating a plan to seek yourself safe while leaving and do not tell him or let him find out you're thinking about it until everything is in order. Stay safe and just assume he will get (even more) violent.

Pps you won't be ruining your children's lives you will be saving them from more terrifying scenes like the one you described.

I urge you to watch killed by my boyfriend on iPlayer

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b047zl98

Please speak to women's aid and get some support.

You say you are scared of what you might unleash in him if you leave, but yet you also say that you are not scared of him. You sound scared and you need to be supported to leave safely.

You are so right that he would have been vile @Unexpectedlysinglemum

Mine gave me a black eye and a fat lip when my son was just shy of a year old after an argument in the middle of the night about whose turn it was to get up to him. That was in 2015. I stayed 🤯 and had DD in 2018. He slept in a different room and I did all night wakings with her - it was never explicitly referred to but of course I couldn’t risk it happening again.

We are super middle class, affluent, both lawyers, classic white bread family. No one - but NO ONE - guessed the reality of my marriage.

I have been brought up by my parents to “put on an act” if things aren’t going well - my family didn’t have much money growing up but we were very middle class in our circles so had to keep up appearances. Unfortunately I transferred that skill to an unhealthy degree.

I second this. You sound like you’re managing not to be scared because you are managing him. If you were to stop managing him, then there would be something to be scared of. This is not a safe or normal relationship.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. Please get some support.

If you do as @billy1966 suggests, it can be a gradual process change. By the time you've imemented it all, you will feel either stronger and more confident about splitting, or you can decide then if your life has become enough with him on the sidelines. Just start the process and weigh it up down the line. You are in a good position security wise.
If you were to leave because you think you can do better, great, it's a good reason to leave, not a negative. Apart from realising your own worth, there's realising how little being with the wrong person ads to your life, and actually they can suck you dry. Good luck with it all, you can be on the up, without his input.

100% this.

DH never hit me again after the 2015 black eye but only bc I learnt to go absolutely grey rock in the face of his rage attacks, and get the kids out of the room. Totally counter to my usual personality. I also realised that he thought, bc I stayed after the black eye, he could treat me however he liked as long as he didn’t actually hit me again.

I realised afterwards that his moods ruled our life. It’s uncanny how similar your H/life sounds to how mine was. Where is the Fuckwit Factory with the conveyor belt churning out these men?

My life has changed in so many positive ways and yours will too @200miles

Earlier this year when he was being truly awful I would listen to Chumbawamba Tubthumping on the way to work to get me through. Silly but it really helped.

Now me and the kids listen to a lot of cheesy pop - Whitney Houston, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry - he would have always said “what is this shit” and turned it off.

I also buy whatever chocolate biscuits I want and eat as many as I like .. I would never have acknowledged it but he would have seethed with disapproval and remarked on it. 10 beers in a sitting was fine though.

I find joy in so many unexpected places.