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Original poster

I give my DH the ick

275 replies

200miles · 15/07/2023 12:02

Two young kids (pre school). Both me and DH work full time.

Pretty happy and settled. DH is very good with the kids. So hands on (rubbish at admin etc but v present and always playing).

But he's a grumpy git. Just like my dad is. And the grumpiness is almost entirely towards me. Nothing major, I'm not scared of him. But he just acts like he's got the ick around me. For example if he notices I'm on my period (tampax box out in the loo) he might grimace. We were just away and he made a comment about how big my bikini bottoms were, always "joking" but I'm not an idiot...I'm late 30s, size 12, and admittedly don't make a huge amount of effort with my looks at home. But also he often doesn't respond to what I'm saying and if I pick him on it he will say "don't know what you want me to say". He talks to me about practical stuff like the price of petrol or the bins but often seems totally bored by anything else I have to contribute. He doesn't kiss me and sex is very infrequent and brief. I see him roll his eyes a lot. He is also worse when we are out. He does have days of being fine with me and we get on but I just feel he doesn't like me that much anymore.

I have tried talking to him and he makes a joke. If I push it he will call me sensitive or I'm being mad. If I keep pushing it he can get v angry "get over yourself" "you're talking absolute shit" etc.

We both earn similar amounts and work similar jobs. I really don't know if I can stand shared custody and losing my home. The kids really are v happy as we rarely argue and we are both happy and present with them. But there is such a sadness in me.

I'm considering staying but just building a thicker skin and finding my fun elsewhere. Not an affair but just increasing my social life and hobbies now my kids are getting closer to school age.

Can that ever work as a strategy?

OP posts:
Superdupes · 16/07/2023 13:05

It sounds like he's a big man baby that thinks he should get all the attention and doesn't like you giving it to the kids. He thinks the world should revolve around him and if you ask me is straying into narc territory. I bet nothing is ever his fault, he's never to blame and you are the cause of any problems big or small in his life. For this reason he doesn't like you - but he would never want you to leave because he'd hate the rejection so he tells you he's really happy and you're 'talking shit' etc when you bring any problems up to shut you up, and that you're 'sensitive' or 'he was joking' to gas light you and make you think you might be the one with the problem.

Do what's best for you and the kids but if that means staying then you have to draw a line somewhere. You need to tell him with 100% conviction that if he ever shouts at you or insults you again in front of the children then you will be walking out the door and never coming back again as they should not be seeing that. Then you have to stick to that.

You need to stop trying to talk to him about any issues, you cannot resolve anything with someone like this. The relationship needs to be superficially happy with you taking a huge emotional step back from him, not initiating sex and building a life separate from him.

But is that what you want? And how long can you put up with that? This is all about you now, so what point would be the best for you and the kids to leave. Now? In a few years time? When they're 18? Do what's best for you and the kids.

BathroomOnTheRight · 16/07/2023 13:51

I'd hurt him so much with that suggestion as he was so happy.

He clearly didn't care that you weren't happy. It's all about him, stuff you.

So you do argue in front of the kids then, re the playground argument.

Look, it's so much easier leaving BEFORE the kids start school, than once they've settled at school into a routine. Now is the absolute perfect time to leave. He won't change. He want have counselling. He won't try.

I'd rather leave the house and share kids than let them grow up in that atmosphere. You are deeply unhappy and staying with a husband that you cannot communicate with or share what happens at work or in life is not a life to live. You will end up destroying yourself if you stay. You really need to tell him that it's couple's therapy or you're leaving. Give him the choice.

Unclecornelius · 16/07/2023 13:57

billy1966 · 16/07/2023 10:56

Well done to those that left these awful men.

I really hope the OP is inspired.

One older woman raised 4 children with a husband like this and he treated her with barely concealed contempt.
Her children knew exactly what he was like.
He had a stroke and she knew she faced being his carer and while in the hospital he continued to be contemptuous of her.

Something clicked in her and when he was being moved to rehab they asked her to come in as some adjustments would have to be made to the house.

She told them that he wasn't coming home, their marriage was over and he would have to go to a nursing home.
He couldn't believe it and was apoplectic.

Her children supported her and none of them would either entertain him moving in with them and their young families.

He spent 20 years in a nursing home and she never went near him.

She sold her house and divorced him and had 20 years of peace.

Same thing happened to another woman, a teacher.
Selfish lazy husband who spent his time golfing and treated her with like a skivvy.
He left her after 30 years for another woman.
House sold and she missed her gorgeous garden more than him.
She bought a little house and happily got on with her life and new garden.
He too had a stroke and the new woman wasn't seen for dust.
Her children did initially try to rope her in but she was having absolutely none of it.
They were divorced and it was nothing to do with her.
He too went to a nursing home and was years in there.
She told my friend that his affair was a blessing as she would have nursed him.
She was so grateful to have dodged that bullet.

These men only get worse as they age, make no mistake about that.

So true.
My df left my dm 40 years ago, ow died 30 years ago.
Df is struggling now and thinks his dc should care for him.
He even asked if my dm would stay with him for a while.
Dm said she has no moral responsibility to help df. And she’s right, he spent his life doing whatever suited him and now he’s stuck at home all day and hates it.

MILsPlates · 16/07/2023 14:39

What are his parents like, OP? It's odd that he said he was so happy given everything you've described about his behaviour and the way he treats you. I wonder whether he grew up in a household in which it was normal for men to treat women this way. so thinks this is how it's supposed to be.

If this behaviour is new then staying and trying to improve things is sensible. If it's been like this for years then I suspect nothing will change, so it's a question of what sort of life you want for yourself. Do be careful that you don't get stuck in a vicious cycle- you sound completely ground down, which is not surprising given how he behaves towards you, and that in itself will make it feel harder to leave and so you stay and it gets worse.

Do you have friends or family you could talk to about it all?

billy1966 · 16/07/2023 16:36

Unclecornelius · 16/07/2023 13:57

So true.
My df left my dm 40 years ago, ow died 30 years ago.
Df is struggling now and thinks his dc should care for him.
He even asked if my dm would stay with him for a while.
Dm said she has no moral responsibility to help df. And she’s right, he spent his life doing whatever suited him and now he’s stuck at home all day and hates it.

Show quote history

There is a real ugliness to me that I get so much pleasure from these stories.

A close friend of mine had a gorgeous MIL called Betty, such a pet.
Her next door neighbour was a close friend of hers and she too had a long difficult marriage with a selfish prick.

The day he was being brought home after a life changing illness, he spoke to her rudely.
She was a sweet gentle woman apparently.
She bent down and whispered in his ear to "STFU and if you EVER speak that way to me again, you are going into a nursing home".
He was stunned and she never took any further guff from him.

She played bridge and she roped all the local family in to do a few hours with him weekly so that she could go out very regularly.

He could no longer drive so she finally the car permanently at her disposal.

He became more incapacitated and eventually went into a home a couple of years later.

She was delighted to see him gone.
She would barely visit once a week.
She had years of great fun with Betty who had lost her lovely husband when she was young.
I always think of them when I pass their semi detached houses.

So many women had long miserable lives with men because divorce was a bit taboo years ago.

The children always know the character of these men.

Original poster
200miles · 16/07/2023 17:01

I know if I spend the next 6/12 months focusing on myself and then leave home he will say that I think I'm too good for him. A friend of mine left her shitty boyfriend and she'd lost some weight and he is adament she left him because she decided she could do better. He seems to think women are quite shallow. Talks about "female privilege". He's quite judgmental I think. I was going to cut my hair shorter the way I used to have it and he told me I was going through a midlife crisis!

He will hate me is what I'm saying. He's not going to spend a second self reflecting.

It's not my first relationship. Someone asked. Been together 6 years. Haven't had many good boyfriends to be honest!

OP posts:
Original poster
200miles · 16/07/2023 17:06

When I write these things and I read them back I think he sounds horrible! But a lot of the time he's nice and he can be so kind to the kids. Just seeing less and less of it. And he does say and do things that really come across like I'm an annoyance or ridiculous yo him.

OP posts:
mangochops · 16/07/2023 17:06

billy1966 · 16/07/2023 16:36

There is a real ugliness to me that I get so much pleasure from these stories.

A close friend of mine had a gorgeous MIL called Betty, such a pet.
Her next door neighbour was a close friend of hers and she too had a long difficult marriage with a selfish prick.

The day he was being brought home after a life changing illness, he spoke to her rudely.
She was a sweet gentle woman apparently.
She bent down and whispered in his ear to "STFU and if you EVER speak that way to me again, you are going into a nursing home".
He was stunned and she never took any further guff from him.

She played bridge and she roped all the local family in to do a few hours with him weekly so that she could go out very regularly.

He could no longer drive so she finally the car permanently at her disposal.

He became more incapacitated and eventually went into a home a couple of years later.

She was delighted to see him gone.
She would barely visit once a week.
She had years of great fun with Betty who had lost her lovely husband when she was young.
I always think of them when I pass their semi detached houses.

So many women had long miserable lives with men because divorce was a bit taboo years ago.

The children always know the character of these men.

Show quote history

I get pleasure from it too because its pure unadulterated karma!

I am imagining this sweet lady finally turning into Annie from the film Misery!- good for her 😆

Peachy2005 · 16/07/2023 17:09

I wish you would save yourself and your children. You have “only” been with him for 6 years so you haven’t sunk too many years into it yet. It really doesn’t matter if he hates you for leaving…it sounds like he pretty much hates you already. It also doesn’t matter what he says about you after the fact: anyone whose opinion counts will know the truth. You deserve so much better! If all your relationships have been bad, don’t get into another without doing some work on yourself to avoid falling into the same trap. Good luck!

ThalattaThalatta · 16/07/2023 17:15

I know if I spend the next 6/12 months focusing on myself and then leave home he will say that I think I'm too good for him

Does it really matter what he says? Anyway, it sounds like you are too good for him.

formulaonecar · 16/07/2023 17:17

ThalattaThalatta · 16/07/2023 17:15

I know if I spend the next 6/12 months focusing on myself and then leave home he will say that I think I'm too good for him

Does it really matter what he says? Anyway, it sounds like you are too good for him.

Right? who gives a crap what he says, he's being rude and hateful now so this is hardly going to be anything shocking or new is it?

lechatnoir · 16/07/2023 17:18

200miles · 16/07/2023 17:01

I know if I spend the next 6/12 months focusing on myself and then leave home he will say that I think I'm too good for him. A friend of mine left her shitty boyfriend and she'd lost some weight and he is adament she left him because she decided she could do better. He seems to think women are quite shallow. Talks about "female privilege". He's quite judgmental I think. I was going to cut my hair shorter the way I used to have it and he told me I was going through a midlife crisis!

He will hate me is what I'm saying. He's not going to spend a second self reflecting.

It's not my first relationship. Someone asked. Been together 6 years. Haven't had many good boyfriends to be honest!

But he doesn't like you anyway, so what does it matter what he thinks, or tells himself.
Spend that time on self care, get yourself, mentally, strong and get yourself and your poor kids out of there. Miserable fucker will bring you down and not a chance he will ever admit to anything so I honestly don't know why are you wasting your breath.

billy1966 · 16/07/2023 19:12

Who cares what he thinks.

Men like him have zero self awareness and will always blame someone else for their failures.

Who cares.

Watchkeys · 16/07/2023 19:32

Why do you care what he thinks? He can think that you believe you're god, if he wants, can't he? He can think that all you ever eat is jelly. He can think that you have 4 legs. What he thinks is just a product of his mind. It's not about you. It's not personal to you. It's what he needs to think to make his behaviour ok to him.

Original poster
200miles · 16/07/2023 19:41

I know. I just care what he tells the kids. He can be very petty. He loves the kids but I think at least for the first year or so he will find it impossible not to tell them that mummy has broken the family or mummy wants a new life etc. My gut tell me he absolutely would do that.

I'm going to follow your plan @billy1966 I've got half a mind to print it out and stick it in my locker at work!

OP posts:
Endoftheroad12345 · 16/07/2023 20:24

@200miles this is all so uncannily familiar.

I started making an effort with my appearance more after years of frumpiness (babies, pandemic etc) and his response was not to tell me how nice I looked - but to berate me for taking too long on the bathroom and then when we split, to accuse me of having an affair. Just for blow drying my hair, basically.

He’s also been a toxic twat with the kids but is essentially quite lazy and the default parenting falls to me (as it did during our marriage) so they can see for themselves, even at 5 & 8, who the more engaged parent is.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 20:31

skilpadde · 15/07/2023 12:15

He's rolling his eyes at you. His feelings are clear. Once contempt has settled into a relationship, it's just about unsalvageable.

You might feel inclined to find strategies to develop a thick skin and to ride this out, but you'll probably end up a mere shell of who you are.

You deserve better than this man, and you deserve better than this life.

I was just about to type exactly this. My ex started treating me like this just before he walked out on me pregnant - if I hadn't been pregnant I would have left him but I was too vulnerable and hormonal that gaslighting worked on me. We were just about to buy a big big house together. Now I'm out the other side I'm happier with baby in my little flat than I would have been with ex treating my like that in a big house prison

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 20:32

Londisc · 15/07/2023 12:17

  1. This is no way to live your life.
  2. This is no way to raise your kids.

Kids will pick up on it. It will damage their self-esteem. You are their mum and the person who is supposed to love them can't hide his disdain for her. The more you put up with it, the worse it will get. Why do you think you married a man like this?

Kids will definitely pick up on it and soon enough will start rolling their eyes at and disrespecting you too.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 20:34

200miles · 15/07/2023 12:28

@Londisc he used to like me. He didn't use to act like this. My wedding day was so happy. I didn't have any doubts. I first actually saw a bit of disdain and impatience on our honeymoon. But that is interspersed with plenty of love and affection. But the last couple of years that really does seem to be dwindling.

I got turned down for a promotion last week and I didn't tell him about any of it. Not lying just didn't bother as I knew he'd either say something mean or just be uninterested so to save myself the disappointment I just keep stuff to myself.

Neither of us will leave as we are so worried about the kids, not seeing them. But I don't know if I can live like this.

I think he might actually be not very nice. Not very kind I mean. I feel like I'm being OTT often or sensitive as he says. But I don't feel loved.

This says it all. You'll feel SO loved when you separate all your friends will rally round and support you so much when they give out how he's been treating you- move we're amazing

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 20:39

200miles · 15/07/2023 14:21

We had a bad day yesterday which Triggered the post but now I think reading it back it sounds like it's bad all the time

We were out for lunch and I had the little one hanging off my hip and then the older one insisted on me taking him to the loo and DH said "I guess I'll just sit here then. What am I meant to do" while I had both kids and I said "just enjoy yourself for a minute". Ended up in a park with me on the floor with younger DC and him shouting at me "you're a fucking martyr" and when I told him to stop he shouted "no you take it. Take it" in front of everyone

Not usually like that. he was sheepish after silly afterwards. But the eye rolls have started again today over little things.

I can't imagine what life look like with us apart co parenting. I don't have family close.

The only thing I'm confident about is money. I have my own savings.

There are no reasons to stay- that scene would have been scary for kids- and you have the resources to go. Speak to a lawyer and LTB

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 20:39

200miles · 15/07/2023 14:26

I know it sounds like I'm some abused woman in denial but honestly I don't call him out on the eye rolls because I don't want to argue in front of the kids. I'm not scared of him.

But you could bring them up later when kids aren't there if you thought he'd care or be open to discussing it ?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 20:40

Palomapig · 15/07/2023 14:38

Wtf? From your update he sounds abusive, no question. Can you go somewhere with the kids for a while? If you have money that’s great, you’re in a good position to separate.

Yup.
'You take it, take it.' Gives me a chill. ITS NOT OK op

Endoftheroad12345 · 16/07/2023 20:40

Yes the rolling eyes is the death knell. Wish I had realised years earlier how corrosive contempt is in a relationship.

What I have learned is the mutual respect is absolutely foundational and a deal breaker. If it’s not there, a relationship is fucked.

Ex H had no respect for me (c.f. eye rolling, smashing things in a rage, calling me fat among other vile names (I’m not - not that that would make it ok, but it was clearly just spiteful and intended to hurt me), never making me a priority.

Consequently I had no respect for him whatsoever- how can you respect someone so emotionally immature (let alone the domestic abuse but even apart from that).

Ex H would often talk down to me about my area of expertise … we do the same (senior legal) role in different industries and I am actually senior to him. I came to realise he genuinely thought he was superior to me. This dynamic was set when we met (we got together at 20 & 24 - I was a uni student and he was a grad lawyer) and he never grew out of it. Plus he’s a pompous twat 😂

But he would also NEVER admit to it and make all the right noises externally about supporting my career etc which I found totally discombobulating as it didn’t tally at all with the man I lived with. Took me YEARS to realise he was lying to me and the world - and likely himself.

Jibo · 16/07/2023 20:41

200miles · 16/07/2023 19:41

I know. I just care what he tells the kids. He can be very petty. He loves the kids but I think at least for the first year or so he will find it impossible not to tell them that mummy has broken the family or mummy wants a new life etc. My gut tell me he absolutely would do that.

I'm going to follow your plan @billy1966 I've got half a mind to print it out and stick it in my locker at work!

Worrying about him poisoning the kids against you if you separate is pointless. If you carry on like this, the kids will pick up on his contempt for you and will treat you (and probably their future partners) the same way. Which is worse?

Endoftheroad12345 · 16/07/2023 20:42

Also to echo pp - your friends will absolutely rally around. I have been so touched by support from the most unexpected quarters, including my boss and former colleagues.

Good friends who knew us well said things like “he was always a prick … we thought he was nice to you secretly”

People notice