Found DH holding hands with another woman on holiday

[Bobbylives]

On a family holding with kids (aged 20 & 16) i was poorly with vomiting and sickness. Dh got friendly with another couple who turned out to not be a couple, just work colleagues. When i started to feel better my gut felt off about this other woman in the couple. Night before we flew home dd got ill so i took her back to her room. Dh stayed out with ds (20). At 2am i woke up and he still wasn't back. Texted ds but ds was in bed. My gut felt off so i got dressed and went out looking for him. He was sat in a bar with a group. I stayed and watched for a while. When others in the group left, dh was there with just this other woman. She got up and pecked him on the mouth. I carried on watching from outside. They sat there talking and he was holding her hand. I stayed to see what else might happen but then others in the group came back so i thought that nothing else was likely now they had company. I went in, told dh that dd was really unwell and he needed to come back.

He is very remorseful, says he felt sorry for her as she was telling him bad things that had happened to her. Knows he crossed a line, is remorseful but also minimising it as he doesn't feel he's cheated. I know it's not much in the greater scheme of things, but it's made me not trust him. Like how was it so easy for him to do that in a couple of days whilst i was ill with some random whilst on a family holiday? What are the chances this is first indiscretion and i just so happened to uncover it? We've been together for 22 years. I would never in a million years think he'd do something like this. I feel like i don't even know who he is and not sure if i can reconcile it in my head. Doesn't seem like something to end a marriage over, but equally, will i ever feel 100% like i can trust him again?

He had a chance to tell his side several times @Tex81 , and that other side only included joking about it. Because to him this was nothing.

I didn't catch that she or they are his work colleagues??!!

Only that her companion was her work colleague (because she couldn't go with her ex because she they'd finished following him cheating on her).

Surely if he’s lacking attention, etc etc etc he could say that. Work through it rather than cheat on his wife in front of her. There is no excuse for op husband actions and none of it is her fault.

there’s lots of reasons why people lie and cheat but that is on them, they’ve chosen a path and that’s their own doing. It’s not op fault her husband can’t be honest or communicate, if he’s not happy he could leave. He’s not thought of op or his children at all. There is no excuse for this behaviour, ever. It’s crap op is going through this without trying to blame her!!

It’s good that you know, because now you can investigate properly where the cracks are in the relationship.

Oh FFS.

Sometimes the only crack in a relationship is a selfish, no morals cheating arsehole.

The automatic assumption of dual fault and relationship issues is a fallacy.

If there were issues, they could be dealt with without cheating on your partner.

I wouldn’t bother insisting on seeing his phone. No drama necessary just leave the disrespectful, cheating, minimising b.

This guy's disrespect for his wife is only equalled by his disrespect and disregard for his kids ..... Not being around while they're sick - they'd only be happy if op was with them, not him .. I wonder why. Not bothering his arse to return with a room key for op and their daughter, leaving them to have to get spared off the hotel Putting his son in an awkward position with the night out clubbing, taking the risk with staying out til 4 am chatting and holding hands and being "pecked" by a other woman ......many a person, on discovering that, would've have cracked and caused a massive scene and possibly jettisoned the rest of the holiday or been on unworkable terms with him for the rest of the holiday ... Thus wrecking his kids holiday.

He treats op and his kids abominably.

Its hard to believe this isolated, even with op saying it's out of character behaviour.

He acts very very cavalierly and inappropriately; and is so confident that op's going nowhere that he jokes about his behaviour afterward to get face.

That's another form of gas lighting. Making out it's a light hearted, comical matter and op would be ott and odd to "blow it up" into anything more.

Od really like to see how jokey a matter it would be if op had acted like this; from the man who's uncomfortable with her even socialising on her own.

*to her face

Your punctuation is as good as your logic and judgement.

I think what you have said here is key. Your DH has created a situation that makes her feel like it would be ok to lean in a kiss / hold his hand, from what you have said its like she has been wanting and ego boost and he has been loitering to see what could happen. Maybe for an ego boost of his own. Sounds like he has made himself available in practical terms but also being open to her advances.

If i had to guess i don’t think he has been unfaithful before, but as you point out here this don;t normally happen to people who havent sent out the vibe they would be open too it.

I think you need to consider whether YOU want a long chat and see how you and he can get thinks on track *maybe boredom, flattery and ego has driven this) or whether there are issues that have made him seriously consider cheating and being open to more that what has happened on this holiday, in which case it might be that you are done?

How many times do you have to be told? There is NOTHING the OP could ever do that deserves being cheated on. Men cheat for the thrill, because they can, and because they're scum. They never cheat because they are 'missing something'. That is not even actually a thing. He is a serial cheater with absolutely no remorse and there is no fixing this. Now DFOD. You men are pathetic.

As the above pp said - "Your punctuation is as good as your logic and judgement".

No. This is not on op. Her dh was the one cheating - he's an adult with, I assume, a fully functioning brain, capable of making decisions. He chose to do this, instead of "talking". Don't make excuses for fully grown adults, no one forced him to do anything. How laughable.

Bingo.

And this guy isn't even happy when op goes out alone because of the attention she might get.

Most people would, at the very least, have a massive raging row over this behaviour. Most people would not finish their holiday sharing a room or on civil terms with him or her (if a woman did it).Some would end the relationship.

i know from frequenting male dominated forums what the men on there would be calling a man who stayed with a woman who'd acted like this; Cuck (short for cuckold). They'd think he had no backbone and was pathetic.

Op's husband meanwhile thinks the whole thing is a big joke (and calls her unreasonable for wanting to check if he's exchanged messages etc with this woman he's been way too close to, while op was sick or looking after their sick child).

The overarching feeling I get from his behaviour on the holiday and since op is that he thinks you're going nowhere, no matter what he does.

He's not scared of you leaving him. He's the very opposite.

He knew you'd take him staying out socialising when you and kids were sick.
He knew you'd take him not bothering to return with your room key.
He knew, from when you found out and didn't end the relationship or at the very least leave the holiday early, or demand separate rooms, or put him in Coventry etc. when you caught him acting inappropriately with that woman ... That you'd take him acting inappropriately towards a other woman.
He knew you'd take him "joking" about the incident and not leave him or tell him you'd not go on another holiday with him again etc etc.

He thinks you'll take whatever he gives out and that you're going nowhere.

Incidentally he also thinks you'll let him act cavalierly towards your kids and take it. They were potentially v negatively affected by his behaviour on that holiday.

You day he's uncomfortable with you going out alone - does he make it so you go out very little or not at all on your own ... On top of all the behaviour above (?)

This guy thinks he's in charge in your relationship, he thinks you'll take whatever he dishes out, and he thinks he can gad light you. Sounds like he has lit you about his behaviour with the woman on holiday, and the joking about it was further gas lighting. "Oops! It was crazy/silly/stupid/inconsequential/a storm in a tea cup/my baaaad .... And I'm going to make you feel ott and too serious and too sensitive if you don't go along with that".

A ‘peck’ on the lips and holding some woman’s hands.

I would leave my DH for either one of those in isolation.

and he spent two entire nights with this woman till you or your son went looking for him.

I’d go see a solicitor and start a rainy day fund.

I don’t care how sad the woman was, it’s not normal behaviour for a relative strange man to spend nights with a random woman neglecting his own family and kissing her and holding hands with her.

id be surprised he hasn’t done anything like this before. He’s completely shameless and unrepentant. He should be apologising and grovelling to you.

tell him you’re going away with your girlfriend in august as you don’t fancy sitting around whilst he finds younger women to hold hands and kiss with.

Where do you think he'd be if you'd acted that way on holiday and joked about it afterward??

This man who can't even let you go out on your own without an attitude?

It was the night before we flew home so no sharing a room after - I didn’t sleep after finding what I did. We flew back and I had to remain as calm as I could as we obviously had both children with us. There have been many rows, tears from both sides and counselling. I don’t really know what I’m looking for her, just to air it I guess, get some other perspectives etc. it’s all been really useful to see what others think. I feel very disrespected. My gut doesn’t tell me that he’s cheated before and it doesn’t really tell me that this went any further than he says it did. What it does tell me though is how badly he treated me, and continues to do some extent, and how I’ve let him get away with thinking it’s ok. It’s not ok but I’m still not sure what I want to do about it.

I don’t care how sad the woman was, it’s not normal behaviour for a relative strange man to spend nights with a random woman neglecting his own family and kissing her and holding hands with her.

And she travelled there with a work colleague whom she was obviously close enough to, to have them step in as a substitute for her ex ..... That's who's shoulder she should and could have been crying on. That's who should have been counselling her. They went there knowing they were accompanying a recently broken up, upset woman.
Op's husband shouldn't have been within half a mile of that situation.

We flew back and I had to remain as calm as I could as we obviously had both children with us.

It sounds ott but I actually consider a form of abuse of both you and your kids; that he put you all in that situation and that you were forced to keep quiet and pretend everything was ok about it for your kids sakes.

There have been many rows, tears from both sides and counselling

Yet he thinks (recently?) that he can joke about it in an eye rolling way?

Clearly all the rows and counselling have had a big impact re. his remorse, tact etc.

*whose shoulder

This pretty much sums it up tbh. Yes he makes things difficult for me to go out without him. Yes he thinks he’s in control, probably because he’s the one earning and I’m therefore reliant on him.

Not the point of the thread, but this made me 😂

Yes he makes things difficult for me to go out without him

That is a reason for getting rid of a partner.

Before we even get on to his behaviour on that holiday.

He's clearly gotten away with a lot better now (even if it's not cheating or inappropriate behaviour) ... Hence he thinks he'll get away with that too.

On the reliant front; your kids found older (?) ... time to get back into the workforce if you don't work.

You're married so you get 50% of assets minus debts. You get child maintenance. You get Universal credit if you apply for it, you can work a certain no of hours on it. If you get it you get reduced council tax and other things. You get child benefit though it's not much. His child maintenance depends on how many overnights or not he has them.

The citizens advice is good on all this stuff.

@Tex81
You’ve been/you are in their situation as the cheating partner haven’t you?

It was the night before we flew home so no sharing a room after - I didn’t sleep after finding what I did.

Just to rewind to this ; ah, so that partly explains the 4am night out, cosy chats, hand holding and kiss between the soon to be parted love birds.