Found DH holding hands with another woman on holiday

[Bobbylives]

On a family holding with kids (aged 20 & 16) i was poorly with vomiting and sickness. Dh got friendly with another couple who turned out to not be a couple, just work colleagues. When i started to feel better my gut felt off about this other woman in the couple. Night before we flew home dd got ill so i took her back to her room. Dh stayed out with ds (20). At 2am i woke up and he still wasn't back. Texted ds but ds was in bed. My gut felt off so i got dressed and went out looking for him. He was sat in a bar with a group. I stayed and watched for a while. When others in the group left, dh was there with just this other woman. She got up and pecked him on the mouth. I carried on watching from outside. They sat there talking and he was holding her hand. I stayed to see what else might happen but then others in the group came back so i thought that nothing else was likely now they had company. I went in, told dh that dd was really unwell and he needed to come back.

He is very remorseful, says he felt sorry for her as she was telling him bad things that had happened to her. Knows he crossed a line, is remorseful but also minimising it as he doesn't feel he's cheated. I know it's not much in the greater scheme of things, but it's made me not trust him. Like how was it so easy for him to do that in a couple of days whilst i was ill with some random whilst on a family holiday? What are the chances this is first indiscretion and i just so happened to uncover it? We've been together for 22 years. I would never in a million years think he'd do something like this. I feel like i don't even know who he is and not sure if i can reconcile it in my head. Doesn't seem like something to end a marriage over, but equally, will i ever feel 100% like i can trust him again?

@Tex81 Ah diddums, poor dh needed some tlc so dedcided randomly to chat up a woman on holiday, kiss her and hold her hands, when his wife and family were ill. And op has to accept this, and wear her best lipstick and suspenders to romance him back. It’s not the 1950s.

Maybe he needs a break and more attention. Give that a try. 20 years is a long time to throw away.

Yes @Tex81 it’s really something he should have thought about. But, too late now, so good bye to him.

He showed massive disrespect. If that happened on a family holiday with his wife next door (and unwell) who knows what he would allow when she is around.

@Tex81

well now the op is upset, confused and in need of reassurance and an ego boost. Maybe she needs to feel special. I guess she should have a night on the town chatting up the men and letting them give her kisses. I mean she deserves that when she is feeling low surely?

If she leaves then HE threw away 20 years not her.

The fact that he’s minimising what he’s done and refusing to show you his phone when he should be doing anything to make you see it was a one off stupid mistake says so much. Sorry op but I think this is a ltb situation

So to check I’ve got this right, you went on holiday with your husband and kids, one night your husband went awol til 3am and did so whilst believing he had left you and your daughter in a hotel bar waiting for him?! Then a couple of days later you caught him holding hands with the same women he was out til 3am with, and you also saw her kiss him on the mouth. Then he also won’t show you his phone and made light of it when you said you’d had a shit last holiday? Wow. Yet you say you would never in a million years believe he would do something like this. It seems either you are in a bit of denial about that or he’s had a significant personality change suddenly. Because some who does all the above doesn’t sound like a very nice, respectful or trustworthy person. You say you don’t think anything happened that first night he went awol as your son was there but you also say “DS found him in the hotels nightclub at 3am with this other couple”? So that doesn’t sound like your son was there with him all the time? It sounds like your husband has been giving the woman the green light, and I also think something did happen that first night. He’s completely disrespected you on that holiday and crossed some major boundaries. The fact you were there would make me question what he does when you’re not. It would take a lot for me to forgive all the above, especially with his reaction to you having his phone, I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s other things you don’t know about.

It's a wake up call, all is not well in your marriage. This is an opportunity for you both to have a real conversation about what has happened, if it feels like things in the the relationship are just taken for granted now. Are you both whole heartedly happy with your life and relationship ? Open communication is the key, if it was a blip and his head was turned but he regrets it now, this gives you the opportunity to strengthen what you have got.

Turn the tables and picture a married woman holding a random blokes hand in a bar at 2/3am while her husband is sick. Not many men would be very forgiving or see anything innocent about that I’m afraid!

Due to the ages of your children, I would prepare yourself for him to leave soon. He's almost made it to the first finish line - youngest child is an adult - but not quite before he had his... um, wobble.

He's met someone new now and he was complicit in what happened between them - on a family holiday no less (it really does seem like he already knew her somehow). He has one foot out the door.

I witnessed my parents go through this - and I did a bit of cock-blocking per DM's request by being present when I should not have been - cramping my DF's interactions with various OW. It really messes with a child's head to get involved in these parental shenanigans.

He might have been telling the truth. I've held friend's (male and female) to comfort them or reassure them when they were upset.

Oh stop being so naive! He admitted he did it and made a mistake, but also would not hand over his phone to the OP. NOTHING he did was 'innocent'. You don't hold hands and snog a woman you are staying out til 3am with.

He’s literally had a mini affair on your family holiday….. it would be game over for me. This won’t be the first time, no man is the brazen to think he can do and get away with it literally while you’re there unless he has before. For me trust would be gone, no trust no relationship.

Once a man has had an affair, you cannot save the marriage or fix it.

Men cheat for the thrill, not because they are 'missing something'. You are 'ass'uming he had anything to talk about. He was simply like many men, think with their dicks and have no loyalty. So quit your gaslighting, man.

Tex81 is either the other woman or the husband

That’s different if someone has bad news, but this wasn’t the case, and they kissed on the lips.

Such BS. This is not her fault. He's a gaslighting arsehole.

I would want to check out that phone first. Then see if there is a way back or not.

I’d make it my mission to see his phone, and then LTB.

FFS here you go AGAIN gaslighting women and victim-blaming. No man cheats because 'he's not getting attention'. That is not even a thing. Men cheat because they can, for the thrill and because they're cheating arseholes. NOTHING the OP did causes a man to cheat, so just....stop. He has cheated on her repeatedly, there is no way back from this. He is just a user and scum.

Yep, I agree. He sounds like a man who thinks men are justified to cheat. When there is zero justification for cheating. ZERO.

i’m sorry, but where in this thread have you concluded that dh has been ‘begging for attention’. His wife was POORLY!

If his marriage really was on the rocks, you don’t go and jump in the arms of another woman on a family holiday. The whole point of holidays is to rest and recuperate, not have an affair!

Again, he had NO REASON to cheat.

The OP is the only innocent person in this. Stop your disgusting gaslighting and DARVO. Even if she dropped her side, guess what? That is ZERO justification for cheating.