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Original poster

Found DH holding hands with another woman on holiday

360 replies

Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 10:04

On a family holding with kids (aged 20 & 16) i was poorly with vomiting and sickness. Dh got friendly with another couple who turned out to not be a couple, just work colleagues. When i started to feel better my gut felt off about this other woman in the couple. Night before we flew home dd got ill so i took her back to her room. Dh stayed out with ds (20). At 2am i woke up and he still wasn't back. Texted ds but ds was in bed. My gut felt off so i got dressed and went out looking for him. He was sat in a bar with a group. I stayed and watched for a while. When others in the group left, dh was there with just this other woman. She got up and pecked him on the mouth. I carried on watching from outside. They sat there talking and he was holding her hand. I stayed to see what else might happen but then others in the group came back so i thought that nothing else was likely now they had company. I went in, told dh that dd was really unwell and he needed to come back.

He is very remorseful, says he felt sorry for her as she was telling him bad things that had happened to her. Knows he crossed a line, is remorseful but also minimising it as he doesn't feel he's cheated. I know it's not much in the greater scheme of things, but it's made me not trust him. Like how was it so easy for him to do that in a couple of days whilst i was ill with some random whilst on a family holiday? What are the chances this is first indiscretion and i just so happened to uncover it? We've been together for 22 years. I would never in a million years think he'd do something like this. I feel like i don't even know who he is and not sure if i can reconcile it in my head. Doesn't seem like something to end a marriage over, but equally, will i ever feel 100% like i can trust him again?

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 14/07/2023 14:58

Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 13:57

No chance getting into his phone. I asked to see it, said I was being unreasonable. I’ve not in 20 years asked to see his phone, yet Im unreasonable. This is bullshit. I just don’t know what kind of bullshit.

Show quote history

If he was genuinely remorseful about being caught by his wife in a romantic yet innocent situation involving hand holding and kissing with another woman, following a disappearing act until 3am the previous night, he would hand over his phone immediately.

Why wouldn't he? It could have killed the whole thing almost dead in terms of reassuring you. There's a good reason that he couldn't and the only one I can think of is that there were things on there that would have made his situation worse, rather than better.

BathroomOnTheRight · 14/07/2023 15:04

Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 14:38

Thank you. I’ve wondered who I should share it with. I don’t have many close female friends. I’ve told 2 who are both single - mostly because my friends have husbands who are his friends. They didn’t think it was a deal breaker. I haven’t told my parents as I’m not sure they could ever get past it. I don’t know if I can get past it but don’t want that added pressure. Dd just done her GCSEs so needed to keep things on an even keel for then.

it’s all so so out of character. I don’t think he’s an ongoing cheater, what I do think though is that he’s very much taken me for granted and seeks to have a sense of entitlement that it’s ok. I’m not sure what my next move is. Just mulling it over for now.

Show quote history

it’s all so so out of character. I don’t think he’s an ongoing cheater

Lets recap: he was so at ease kissing a woman/holding hands in public. He was planning this and even your own instinct says this.
He won't let you see his phone.
He jokes about it with ease, no mortification, no remorse, and doesn't see the big deal.

This IS his character! You just haven't noticed until now.

OP wake up and smell the coffee. This man is a serial cheater, and it clearly is his character. In fact he sounds like a seasoned cheater. Don't try to talk yourself out of believing the evidence right in front of your now. He's a cheating scumbag, if it wasn't an ongoing thing, why would he not allow you to see his phone? Wake up please. Don't do this to yourself. Don't talk yourself into ignoring all the evidence right in front of your for an easier life. If DD has done her exams and they're over with, then what are you waiting for.

Tresto · 14/07/2023 15:12

I recommend you go onto the surviving infidelity website. Don’t tell your husband. Read and read and read.

He is not a safe partner. He is not someone to share your one precious life with.
He is either a serial cheat or a man with no integrity and empathy. Neither is good. The fact he did this in public with your kids and you about suggests this isn’t his first time.

Unless he changes and understand WHY he dropped his morals, integrity and values and Shat all over his wife for a complete stranger who bloke smoke up his arse then you have a major problem. No one made him marry you and divorce is acceptable in the uk. Nothing you did or did not do caused this.

Marriages fail following this and you are currently Rug sweeping. His locked phone. His laughter. Does he see this as flattery?

marriage counselling is a waste of your money. He chose to cheat. You didn’t cheat. The marriage didn’t cheat. He needs to understand WHY and own it and then you need to decide if you want to remain married to him. He’s not a prize - you are.

Tresto · 14/07/2023 15:13

Blew not bloke

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 15:15

Holidays do weird this vs to folk. It's a. Real from every day life and so stones we forget ourselves

Weird cause I can't recall ever forgetting to bother to give a room key back to my waiting spouse and child while in the hotel bar/club or staying out with a single guy chatting (while leaving my spouse to keep my sick child company) or holding the single guys hand or behaving in such a way that he felt it appropriate to plant a kiss on my lips.

But that must be just me, clearly I'm an outlier in holiday "weirdness".

Riverlee · 14/07/2023 15:30

The only reason I would expect dh to hold a stranger’s hands (or even friend) was if they were telling him some devastating news (or vice versa), and certainly I wouldn’t expect a kiss on the mouth. You may do a farewell peck on the cheek, but nothing more.

To me, that would be a deal breaker, to go from nothing to that level of intimacy so quickly, plus the getting in during the early hours (especially when you and dc have been I’ll).

i agree. The phone would be a big issue. He’s broken your trust, and not taking any steps to repair it. If he had nothing to hide…

Riverlee · 14/07/2023 15:31

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 15:15

Holidays do weird this vs to folk. It's a. Real from every day life and so stones we forget ourselves

Weird cause I can't recall ever forgetting to bother to give a room key back to my waiting spouse and child while in the hotel bar/club or staying out with a single guy chatting (while leaving my spouse to keep my sick child company) or holding the single guys hand or behaving in such a way that he felt it appropriate to plant a kiss on my lips.

But that must be just me, clearly I'm an outlier in holiday "weirdness".

Me too.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 14/07/2023 15:38

Demand to see his phone right now, hand it over or its divorce, no ifs or buts.

No in a minute or when I get back from the toilet, right now

Cucucucu · 14/07/2023 15:45

Sorry but don’t you find weird you are on holiday and a female work colleague is there too ? Are you sure they haven’t been together all along and he is giving you excuses as he was finally caught ?

Sceptre86 · 14/07/2023 15:51

She pecked him on the mouth and they were holding hands. I'd have slapped the pair of them but I think you've reacted quite well. He should have been taking care of you whilst you were ill not getting to know other people. I'd be inclined to check his emails and messages because the way he has gotten to know her so well in a few days makes me think he's done it before. I think for me the trust would be gone. It depends on you and your boundaries. People do go though shit things but she should know better than to use someone else's husband as a shoulder to cry on and he shouldn't have put himself in that position. Instead he should have been checking with you to see how your dd was getting on and if you wanted to swap so you could get a break too. He's selfish op and puts himself before you and his children.

Riverlee · 14/07/2023 16:00

Cucucucu · 14/07/2023 15:45

Sorry but don’t you find weird you are on holiday and a female work colleague is there too ? Are you sure they haven’t been together all along and he is giving you excuses as he was finally caught ?

I read it that there were two people who were work colleagues with each other, and not a couple as op first thought. They weren’t dh’s colleague.

readbooksdrinktea · 14/07/2023 16:16

TheoTheopolis23 · 14/07/2023 14:17

I said I’d like to go on holiday in august as I had such a shit last holiday - he laughed and said spring like oops - like you would if there was some funny in joke and everyone found it funny. I obviously didn’t.

Holy fucking shit.

Mate ....

Agree. This is all you need to know about his respect for you - or lack thereof, rather. He sounds like an arse.

caringcarer · 14/07/2023 16:22

I'd say he was flattered by this newly single woman's attention and seized his opportunity with you leaving early with DD to flirt with this woman. He shouldn't be holding hands with other women and letting them kiss him on the lips. The thing is it's even worse because he did this when you had been feeling ill.

rookiemere · 14/07/2023 16:44

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 14/07/2023 15:38

Demand to see his phone right now, hand it over or its divorce, no ifs or buts.

No in a minute or when I get back from the toilet, right now

This

supersop60 · 14/07/2023 16:47

Fraaahnces · 14/07/2023 11:24

My alarm bells are shrieking…. I feel like they know each other and this meeting isn’t “random”. Check credit cards and bank accounts.

My first thought, too. Although, if they'd planned to meet, he didn't plan OP's illness.
...or did he....?
I'm going back to catch up on the thread.

Lemonvalley · 14/07/2023 16:52

I’m sorry this happened to you.
What he did was wrong, and you both know that. He has damaged trust, and trust can be hard to build back once it has been lost or damaged. It’s good that you know, because now you can investigate properly where the cracks are in the relationship. You could ask him to be honest with you about everything, and be honest with yourself as you go through the process. Some couples move on from various forms of cheating, some can’t. I think being honest is where it starts. In truth, many people are capable of cheating but only some are willing to be truly honest and build their relationship back after it. I hope you’re ok.

momtoboys · 14/07/2023 17:10

I was thinking that maybe we were being a little to hard on him for a handhold and a quick peck to someone he would never see again, but when you mentioned the previous night now I am on board with him being a tool.

Original poster
Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 17:26

Sceptre86 · 14/07/2023 15:51

She pecked him on the mouth and they were holding hands. I'd have slapped the pair of them but I think you've reacted quite well. He should have been taking care of you whilst you were ill not getting to know other people. I'd be inclined to check his emails and messages because the way he has gotten to know her so well in a few days makes me think he's done it before. I think for me the trust would be gone. It depends on you and your boundaries. People do go though shit things but she should know better than to use someone else's husband as a shoulder to cry on and he shouldn't have put himself in that position. Instead he should have been checking with you to see how your dd was getting on and if you wanted to swap so you could get a break too. He's selfish op and puts himself before you and his children.

The adrenaline was pumping but I wanted to see exactly, beyond any doubt, hope it would end. He was drunk, I want, no point going in guns blazing until I had all the evidence I needed. I didn’t get what I needed. It didn’t come to any conclusion either way, the rest of the group came back so I was fed up of waiting by now, it was nearly 4am and he was still sat there with her. That I goes should be enough I guess. I just want to make the right move whatever that looks like.

OP posts:
GiddyGladys · 14/07/2023 17:55

I would insist on seeing his phone.

Tumbler2121 · 14/07/2023 18:11

Have you been looking for a reason to finish it? Instead of walking straight over to your husband when you saw them, you hung back, watched and took pictures. Some woman holding his hand wouldn’t have been a reason not to say hi as she’d already been playing the “poor Me” card.

Tex81 · 14/07/2023 18:12

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SpidersAreShitheads · 14/07/2023 18:18

Bobbylives · 14/07/2023 13:57

No chance getting into his phone. I asked to see it, said I was being unreasonable. I’ve not in 20 years asked to see his phone, yet Im unreasonable. This is bullshit. I just don’t know what kind of bullshit.

Show quote history

Honestly OP, however you might end up trying explain away to yourself the other behaviour - he was drunk, maybe you misread the situation, nothing really happened blah blah - the fact that he's not really contrite and refuses to allow you to see his phone is a huge red waving flag.

I completely understand why you might be questioning about what to do next because the situation was interrupted abruptly and you never got to see how things were going to play out. Lots of people - ie/your single friends - might say that you're overreacting. After all, it was just a chaste peck on the lips between two individuals who were drunk...right?

Even if you wave all of that away (and I don't think that you should) - the fact that he's not on his knees trying to reassure you and offer his apologies shows how little he values your feelings. He doesn't really care that you're upset and he views this transgression as nothing....is that because he knows he's done far worse?

No one can tell you what to do. If I were in your shoes, I MIGHT be inclined to let the incident on holiday slide but only if he handed over his phone immediately and without question. The fact he's refused shows he has something to hide. If you look now, he may have already hidden the photos, numbers or conversations that you want to see but it's worth trying again for a look, just in case. No hesitation, no nipping to the toilet first - either he hands it over or else it's over. That would be my approach. Can you check emails or social media activity?

I think the refusal to show the phone might be the deciding factor for me. His overall lack of care for you, the partying without giving a shit about you, and secrecy over the phone, combined with the kiss/holding hands - you're worth more than this. I'm so sorry.

Starseeking · 14/07/2023 18:19

This man sounds like he had no respect for you.

He also sounds like the type to take opportunities to cheat when they present themselves; so no long-standing affairs, but many many one night stands/hotel quickies as the occasions arise.

Hyggesaurus · 14/07/2023 18:20

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Oh ffs…yeah, it’s her fault.

BathroomOnTheRight · 14/07/2023 18:23

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@Tex81 Wtf is wrong with you? HE is the one at fault. Being burnt out does NOT make you cheat, nor does it mean you refuse to hand over your phone when asked. GTFOOH where your misogynistic victim-blaming bs! Her husband is a serial cheating piece of garbage and so is anyone who defends him.

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