Partner just broke up with me - I’m angry

[Menora]

I know it’s an emotion that is understandable but I am so angry. I worry that I might not handle things in a dignified way and there is no way I want to let him play the victim in this. It’s not a competition but it wasn’t a mutual decision and I was sort of blindsided. This is HIS decision so he doesn’t get to cry about it and get sympathy

He has broken up with me 3 times now but the first 2 times in the past I was upset and we talked and tried to make it work - although I told him he could walk away at that point and be honest with me. He didn’t. The last couple of weeks he’s been really distant and avoidant of me, basically friendzoned me (still had sex with me if I initiated it though didn’t he) so I asked him outright on a number of occasions if he was losing feelings for me and to be honest with me. Since that last chat where I asked him he said he did love me and want to be with me but then we were not really able to talk much more and we carried on doing things together, I’ve seen him a number of times and he hasn’t said anything else and was making some effort.

This evening he decides now is the time to admit the feelings aren’t there, and I feel so bloody stupid and strung along. I went out multiple places with him since our last talk, bought clothes for our holiday and he didn’t say anything. It’s my birthday soon and our holiday was due in a few weeks and now he is still going and I am just getting the money back. I don’t have anyone else to holiday with at short notice so just sad old me on my own for a week while he is going on our lovely holiday.

I was so close to all his family and his DC and now it’s just all gone. I’m so mad at him, I feel like the honest kind person I thought he was isn’t real. I gave him so many chances to have a proper sit down chat and discuss our feelings and I would have respected his decision if he didn’t decide to go and ‘think’ about it without even telling me he was having more doubts and sharing nothing with me until I was actually being dumped. I fully understand everyone’s right to change their mind and leave a relationship but what I am angry about is just dallying around burying his head in the sand avoiding talking to me about ANYTHING when he knew I was feeling anxious as there had been a sense of change in him and I kept asking and getting the answer I do love you.

I told him to leave as I couldn’t stand seeing him so pitiful feeling sorry for himself, and he’s gone. He wanted ME to make him feel better about His decision instead of just owning up to it too.

Im sure I will calm down but right now I am fuming. Any helpful advice

Yes. you can feel objectified and not valued for your personality thoughts opinions achievements or emotions.

He is not competent to meet your needs. Whether because he is immature, selfish, or malevolent. And you are so used to this absurd cycle that you gulp it down. I’m sure someone mentioned Beattie’s biik codependent no more? I also really urge you to work harder on self respect and self sufficiency. None of what you describe is healthy , mature, behavior for either of you. You both need a more secure person as a love object. Stop acting like your life is an island for misfit boys. Release this ine back into the wild.

@pikkumyy77 I was single for a very long time before I met this man, I am not sure I am a co-dependent. Although I am not used to doing things alone this is a lifestyle experience/change thing rather than a fear. I was a young mum not long after leaving home and then had children with me for many years. I did not go out with my single guy friend this weekend and I did go out alone to go do something for myself that I liked. I have been looking at holidays or trips to go alone, it’s very expensive this time of year so that’s one factor to consider that this might not be the best time (with half of poor Europe being on fire too, budget constraints) I might do a U.K. break instead, I have options rather than sitting ruminating. He is feeling guilty and that’s not my role to make him feel better sometimes you just have to feel something uncomfortable don’t you.

I don’t feel like I need anyone to be a love object for me and I don’t feel like a sad island with lots of misfit boys marooned on it but I understand the concept that I am allowing him to pitch up and tell me how to run my own island so that it makes him more comfortable. It’s my island. I do want to make improvements to it though for myself

The phrase that applies here is, as you said upthread, sunk cost—but the expression is “sunk cost fallacy” because in reality the cost is already paid and gone. You feel a lot about it, but the value no longer exists at this point in time.

If you bought a race horse and it died on the way to the first race —or the tenth—you don’t have an expensive race horse—and all the wishing and hoping won’t make it more than a pile of meat for the glue factory.

He is not competent to meet your needs. Whether because he is immature, selfish, or malevolent. And you are so used to this absurd cycle that you gulp it down. I’m sure someone mentioned Beattie’s biik codependent no more? I also really urge you to work harder on self respect and self sufficiency. None of what you describe is healthy , mature, behavior for either of you.

This is absolutely spot on. The first sentence is the crux of it really OP.

Regardless of the whys and hows, you two are not a healthy match.

In all honesty I think that me explaining this is what seemed to make him change his mind as he said he was really sure it was over then realised he didn’t want it to be not cos of recouping the past but cos of what he does want in the future. I explained sunken costs to him and said we can’t get it back it’s gone now. now he’s wanting to start again and have something new and improved. But what has changed?

He was saying I didn’t want to hurt you - I already got hurt.

I’m going to take a break from keep going over it for now, on here and with him as I need time to think about me and less about him. He has really hurt me and I don’t want to have to adapt myself to anyone else

IME - any couple that has broken up more than once, does not end up together.
Use this opportunity to move forwards by yourself.
Sorry you are hurting.

Menora

def have a UK break
I’m in Europe now (south ) and it’s been a bit mental
the Airport I’m flying from closed for a few days due to fire- and it’s a stress you don’t need
mental

in terms of the ex he did hurt you
keep clear of him , move on
better alone and pleasing yourself than with him

i hope you are healing a bit

Sorry I had not updated. He is still asking me to consider reconciling. He elaborated on why this time is different by saying that the other times we got to this point, we very briefly talked then shut down any further discussion as we both felt very upset at the idea of breaking up and went back to normal. This isn’t incorrect, those times it was him telling me he was unhappy and that maybe separating was for the best but we quickly reconciled within the same discussion less than an hour then we didn’t talk about it again so we didn’t upset each other.

He says this time he has got everything off his chest and there is nothing he hasn’t now said, he misses me terribly and accepts he was not being open with me and I was trying. He said none of the times we have separated were about not being in love with me any more but being afraid of getting hurt. He says he was afraid I would hate him if he was open but this was irrational as that’s not how life works although I was very angry! The things he has been open about are just normal every day couple irritations that he let build up into something very big. He said he confided in some friends and was waiting for this big shoe drop moment of everyone saying “oh that’s terrible, she was so annoying” but they just sat kind of looking at him like he was mad so he felt stupid. He said when he broke up with his wife (she left him) it was actually this big internal relief and he didn’t feel this with me, it became a feeling of maybe he has made a mistake.

Time and distance has obviously helped me to feel less emotional about the situation. I also miss him deeply but I can’t shake the feeling of concern. Of course this is all nice to hear in some ways but in others it’s annoying. I don’t even care that I might be annoying at times, everyone is. I can’t be with someone who loves me more and is happy when I am being perfect. I don’t even know what it is, just that obviously his mood is tied to mine so I would feel constantly on guard.

So because his friends didn’t agree that you’re annoying he wants to get back together.

He said originally that the “feelings weren’t there” and now suddenly they are?

He seems to have an emotional age of about 15.

Seems like he belongs in the 18th or early 19th C with all the tortured, angst ridden romantic poets!

No wonder his mates looked at him like he was mad.

Lol this is a funny image. Seen as before he was all Mr Darcy