Partner just broke up with me - I’m angry

[Menora]

I know it’s an emotion that is understandable but I am so angry. I worry that I might not handle things in a dignified way and there is no way I want to let him play the victim in this. It’s not a competition but it wasn’t a mutual decision and I was sort of blindsided. This is HIS decision so he doesn’t get to cry about it and get sympathy

He has broken up with me 3 times now but the first 2 times in the past I was upset and we talked and tried to make it work - although I told him he could walk away at that point and be honest with me. He didn’t. The last couple of weeks he’s been really distant and avoidant of me, basically friendzoned me (still had sex with me if I initiated it though didn’t he) so I asked him outright on a number of occasions if he was losing feelings for me and to be honest with me. Since that last chat where I asked him he said he did love me and want to be with me but then we were not really able to talk much more and we carried on doing things together, I’ve seen him a number of times and he hasn’t said anything else and was making some effort.

This evening he decides now is the time to admit the feelings aren’t there, and I feel so bloody stupid and strung along. I went out multiple places with him since our last talk, bought clothes for our holiday and he didn’t say anything. It’s my birthday soon and our holiday was due in a few weeks and now he is still going and I am just getting the money back. I don’t have anyone else to holiday with at short notice so just sad old me on my own for a week while he is going on our lovely holiday.

I was so close to all his family and his DC and now it’s just all gone. I’m so mad at him, I feel like the honest kind person I thought he was isn’t real. I gave him so many chances to have a proper sit down chat and discuss our feelings and I would have respected his decision if he didn’t decide to go and ‘think’ about it without even telling me he was having more doubts and sharing nothing with me until I was actually being dumped. I fully understand everyone’s right to change their mind and leave a relationship but what I am angry about is just dallying around burying his head in the sand avoiding talking to me about ANYTHING when he knew I was feeling anxious as there had been a sense of change in him and I kept asking and getting the answer I do love you.

I told him to leave as I couldn’t stand seeing him so pitiful feeling sorry for himself, and he’s gone. He wanted ME to make him feel better about His decision instead of just owning up to it too.

Im sure I will calm down but right now I am fuming. Any helpful advice

100% this, he had clearly checked out a while ago and wanted to end it before the holiday

Are you sure he isn't on holiday with his secret girlfriend? What bloke goes away on his own??

He’s going with family on holiday, I am upset as I really love his family and that’s probably what I am most sad about now.

this only happened to me 12 hours ago 🤣 I am going through the processes. Yes he checked out, I’m aware. Then he suddenly became bothered yesterday if I was ok, but wasn’t bothered before yesterday when I wasn’t ok.

Have to disagree with this, he knows the relationship was not working and took action before the holiday, and took the right action to end it

his only negative point is allowing the OP to twice talk him around

but are you missing where he said none of these things to me about breaking up and just turned up at my house looking sad and I had to guess what was happening?

@Menora
unfortunately that’s how these things go, he has already done his thinking and has checked out of the relationship and you are the last to know.

thats the bread and butter of this relationship board, it’s mostly people thinking out loud about ending a relationship, the partner is the always the last to know, unfortunately you are the partner in this situation, I know it sucks but he can end this for any reason he wants, in the same way that you could

I don't think OP sounds like hard work at all. However the relationship DOES sound like hard work.
OP I'm so sorry, it's so hard going through something like this. However you will get through it, and you sound like someone who has every likelihood of one day finding a relationship that is much less hard work and stress and much more fulfilling for you. All your emotions right now are valid and understandable. Have faith 🤗

Understandably you are hurt and angry but by continually asking for reassurance you knew deep down that he was not the man to commit to.

I know I get it, I remember saying to myself about my Ex ‘if he had just said!’. The truth was I knew that he was over the relationship but because I didn’t want the relationship to end, I ignored what my gut was telling me. I let him bide his time, instead of getting my ducks in a row. Funnily enough the last breakup was instigated by me and although I thought my hand was forced, I am still grateful that I prioritised my well being over being in a relationship with someone who had already checked out.

Lick your wounds and once you are ready for the warts and all relationship post-mortem, you’ll see and hopefully understand that you were invested in someone, who wasn’t invested in you and that you knew that deep down. Which means, you can do the work on yourself to understand why you ignored the glaringly obvious.

This.

@Menora how long were you together and how long did the "golden" period last for?

Firstly congratulate yourself that you are financially independent and don't have to rely on him for housing. Write down all the negative feelings you had about the relationship so when you start to look back at the positive times you can have a reality check.

I feel people are being harsh perhaps because they haven't been in a push/pull relationship before. It does wreck your head and lower confidence. You will never know what was/is going through his mind but perhaps he can't connect longterm with any partner.

From your side it seems you thought there was a relationship issue and wanted to work on it but he decided to end it (then pinged back). That is confusing.

There are ways to end a relationship and he seems to have done a cowardly slow fade.

@Livinghappy looking back it’s the issue of him not really being able or willing to talk about emotions. As he doesn’t like emotions he will avoid them, his own, mine or anyone else’s. So often I felt like I was trying to drag information out of him and then getting resentful at having to do all the work.

Like yesterday, he didn’t need to put any effort into his breaking up with me because I am emotionally intuitive and could do all the talking and expressing for him. All he did was turn up with a sad face and I did all the work.

Just to reiterate I am angry HOW he broke up with me, not that he broke up with me. I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t in love with me or wants me, so it’s ok. But I deserved more respect than what I got

As he doesn’t like emotions he will avoid them, his own, mine or anyone else’s

Well he isn't going to have many successful relationships if he can't deal with emotions. You deserve better.

As l said earlier he was weak, cowardly and dishonest and you have every right to be angry at the way he he ended it.
It sounds like he just wasn't capable of being emotionally open, hence the dithering and prevarication. I agree, you deserve so much better.

I don't think he was disrespectful to you at all. Sounds like the relationship has been dead for some time but he was hoping it might work or maybe didn't want the aggro of yet another break-up conversation. You do sound quite intense at times OP with your insistence that he talks about feelings. You and he are obviously quite different in that sense. It doesn't make either of you better than the other, just different.

Your anger is understandable at this stage but I hope as time passes you realise that this breakup is for the best as it clearly wasn't working.

One thing that stands out from your posts is how you much you refer to how he makes you feel. That's a bit of a red flag to me for an area where I think you need some help and support. No-one can make you feel anything. You're the one allowing it. Have you never heard the famous Eleanor Roosevelt quote "no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent"? You need to take accountability for your emotions and work on how you can better manage them as that will really help you feel better about yourself. From your posts so far, I suspect you won't like this post while you're still feeling so angry but I am trying to help. Please read this link and hopefully it will make sense to you and maybe help you on your journey to future happiness:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/on-the-destructive-belief-that-no-one-can-make-us-feel-anything#influence-emotions

Yeah I am feeling under less pressure and less on edge. Not really getting much work done today though. I don’t know what he’s going to tell his DC. Something emotionally stunted or just nothing at all and hope they don’t notice. Poor kids

I don’t agree with you on all of it. Also I am sick of other people telling me what I can and can’t feel and what’s wrong and right. He always invalidated all my feelings too. Feeling disrespected by his actions isn’t a fact it’s a subjective feeling and it’s not really up to you to ‘educate’ me on whether that’s a valid feeling or not and gaslighting me that it didn’t happen the way it did? He isn’t dealing with my feelings about the disrespect - I am.

And asking your partner if they want to be with you is not unreasonable either. I know you are meaning to be helpful but I mostly just came to vent to strangers so I don’t vent to him.

You say it’s all me me my feelings well I don’t have his side do I? He hasn’t really expressed any actual real feelings to me so I am guessing and filling in gaps. if he ever did tell me how he felt I listened and helped him through them if he needed help or advice or I just empathised. Feeling insecure in your relationship was something I took responsibility for by checking he was ok, deciding to lose weight, making more effort to connect with him. I did those things I didn’t ask him to do anything to make me feel better apart from just be honest with me and provide opportunities to talk to me openly.

Practical advice is useful and I want to see my friends and carry on with the gym and enjoy my life, things like holiday suggestions but I don’t need or want CBT I’ve had plenty in the past, I don’t think I am hugely unhealthy I just put my trust into this man because he was so loving, so fun, kind, thoughtful and sweet but over time we out grew each other and it ended unfortunately in a way that I just don’t think we can be friends because I do not trust him, he is not honest.

even the other times we broke up it was the same, him being all sad, breaking up with me suddenly and me saying ok well, I am upset but it’s ok, I understand you can leave, then he would cry and I would find myself comforting him, like a mum would. This is about his ego and sense of self being rocked and struggling with handling his own emotions. Unfortunately I got caught in his crossfire. He is the one who needs therapy.

Quite right OP!

You've got your head screwed on op 👌 on the money.
Your approach to relationships is great and when you find someone who can reciprocate you'll enjoy a happy healthy balanced relationship, communication, feedback, and consideration are all key skills.
You deserved better than you got in the end. I hope you get that in time, when you're ready.

I had the first moment of like overwhelming sadness, it’s the loss of everything so suddenly to be honest. I had not had the best year, my family had a loss a few months ago, so I am just sitting in my work toilet for 5 mins working out which bits of broken pieces of life to pick up and put back together first.

He wasn’t close to my family and friends, I was to his. I’ve also lost my holiday suddenly which I wasn’t expecting to happen. None of this affects me financially or security wise I still have a job and my home but those have never been things I valued more than my relationships with people that I love, it’s just a lot to lose all in one go so suddenly

It sure is op.
A body blow.
I hope you have real life friends who'll understand and help support while you're reeling (sorry if you've said, not rtft)

It's shit op.
We've all been there.
This too will pass.

He hasn’t contacted me, tbh I was actually expecting some lame ‘are you ok?’ Text, and I would have had that if I had been upset but as I was angry, he’s been able to run away thinking ‘aha! I was right about her all along she IS awful’
I am glad he has not contacted me as I would have struggled to not send an angry response and further humiliate myself. As some time has passed I now wouldn’t reply at all

His ex and his son have both accused him of infidelity. You are not allowed to have feelings about this? He's got you guessing if you are good enough all the time. Honestly I think the break up is best for you in the longer term. Why has he been holding all the cards. This does not sound like a healthy relationship OP :(

By your own admission you initiated it…

He came round to tell me but just had a very sad face and didn’t say anything.

I outlined what happened above in another post it was like how you get dumped when you are 15 by a spotty boy from the park

-he came round and stood up would not sit down.
-I said “what’s wrong are you ok?”
-he said “no… it’s what you talked about last week…. “
(The price of petrol? My mums bad hip?)
-I said, confused “oh, ok…. OH.. are you breaking up with me?”
SILENCE. SAD FACES
MORE SILENCE
HANDS ME MY DOOR KEY
-Me, “ok well you can go then if there is nothing to say”. I got up and walked out of the room. He followed me.
-I said “why are you still here you can leave”
-He said “I wanted to make sure you were ok”
-I said “I will be fine. I am angry right now, but nothing I say will change anything if you have made up your mind”
-him “ok well I will go then”

I asked him about the holiday he said he would send me the money back and he did.

how is standing in my house saying nothing making sure I am OK?

For 109th time I do not have an issue with breaking up. I had this conversation, yes, previously (at least 3 times in many years) initiating that he could be honest with me if he needed to be. If he said any of the things like, ‘I’m sorry it’s just not working out’ or ‘look I just don’t feel the same way anymore’ would just probably be sad right now.

I am angry as the way he broke up with me was, to me, disrespectful