Partner just broke up with me - I’m angry

[Menora]

I know it’s an emotion that is understandable but I am so angry. I worry that I might not handle things in a dignified way and there is no way I want to let him play the victim in this. It’s not a competition but it wasn’t a mutual decision and I was sort of blindsided. This is HIS decision so he doesn’t get to cry about it and get sympathy

He has broken up with me 3 times now but the first 2 times in the past I was upset and we talked and tried to make it work - although I told him he could walk away at that point and be honest with me. He didn’t. The last couple of weeks he’s been really distant and avoidant of me, basically friendzoned me (still had sex with me if I initiated it though didn’t he) so I asked him outright on a number of occasions if he was losing feelings for me and to be honest with me. Since that last chat where I asked him he said he did love me and want to be with me but then we were not really able to talk much more and we carried on doing things together, I’ve seen him a number of times and he hasn’t said anything else and was making some effort.

This evening he decides now is the time to admit the feelings aren’t there, and I feel so bloody stupid and strung along. I went out multiple places with him since our last talk, bought clothes for our holiday and he didn’t say anything. It’s my birthday soon and our holiday was due in a few weeks and now he is still going and I am just getting the money back. I don’t have anyone else to holiday with at short notice so just sad old me on my own for a week while he is going on our lovely holiday.

I was so close to all his family and his DC and now it’s just all gone. I’m so mad at him, I feel like the honest kind person I thought he was isn’t real. I gave him so many chances to have a proper sit down chat and discuss our feelings and I would have respected his decision if he didn’t decide to go and ‘think’ about it without even telling me he was having more doubts and sharing nothing with me until I was actually being dumped. I fully understand everyone’s right to change their mind and leave a relationship but what I am angry about is just dallying around burying his head in the sand avoiding talking to me about ANYTHING when he knew I was feeling anxious as there had been a sense of change in him and I kept asking and getting the answer I do love you.

I told him to leave as I couldn’t stand seeing him so pitiful feeling sorry for himself, and he’s gone. He wanted ME to make him feel better about His decision instead of just owning up to it too.

Im sure I will calm down but right now I am fuming. Any helpful advice

Yes , I don't know why people are making you feel worse either, it's odd. Its infuriating to think of him going on the lovely holiday too and you not having one. I agree with the person who said keep your anger , it's helpful at this point. And maybe in a few months , you could use some of that holiday money to speak to a good therapist and let go of the anger and recover from all these negative feelings about yourself that you mention . That's what I did a few years ago and it worked. Hugs x

THIS /\

I did hear from him. He sent a long text that was like ‘you are a nice person and deserve better than me’ monologue and stuff about he would miss me he respects me as a person and it was nice knowing me. It was so respectful and polite you would be mistaken for thinking that our actual breakup wasn’t an absolute shit show 🙄.

I did respond but not angrily. I said that the break up had felt very disrespectful because he said no actual words, I had no explanation (but I don’t want one now) and it was hard to imagine he does respect me when he has not treated me with honesty or respect recently at all and for that reason it’s ruined a possible future friendship between us.

Then a long written explanation from his side that didn’t really give details as to why we broke up but that he thought it best and found it hard to do and probably messed it all up, he was sorry and I should go meet someone better than him 🙄

I wasn’t able to respond with my own version of a fuzzy and warm farewell remembering all the good times and wishing the best for the future 🙄 but I just sent a sort of reserved polite response and it’s all done with now.

I suppose that's closure of a sort then, he's acknowledged his flawed approach, and you managed to respond calmy by the sounds of it, which is a pretty big achievement given how raw this all still is.
I think you are showing a lot of strong character in how you're handling this generally op, both before and after the actual break up. I hope you have some good real life support to vent to and hopefully take your mind off things a bit as you climb your way out of this dark place of hurt.

I mostly feel depressed now. I am in my 40’s never married and another failed relationship under my belt.

You are bound to feel lousy for the next while, it will pass. At least you know where you stand now and you are not stuck in this limbo relationship anymore. You are still young OP, plenty of time for settling down if that is what you want to do. If I was you I would spend the next while looking out for me

@Acornsoup thanks yeah I know I will be ok, my friend met her DP the same time as I met mine and she’s getting married this year, so it will be happy at her wedding for her but secretly make me sad. DP and I talked about getting married and we planned to buy a house one day. I mean I know I was deep down disappointed that everyone else’s relationships are progressing and mine was completely the same as it started.

I’m not too old to keep looking but for a while I really thought I had hit gold, we were in love and so happy although now I see that underneath there was this massive crack getting wider. He's always had issues with emotional intimacy so this should not really shock me, just that he appeared to have grown a lot and really become confident and more self assured and I believed in him, and us.

At my age I always seem to be that woman who men meet after their marriage breaks down and is still finding their feet and then I get them back on their feet and they then leave me! This is not the first relationship that’s had similarities in that way so this is the men I am choosing. I hate and am turned off by cocky arrogant men so I always go for quiet, kind eyed types of guys.

Im not even considering dating. I have no single friends and I never go out to places I could even meet men apart from the gym or work and men don’t talk to me there so I would have to go back to on line dating all over again.. so many horror stories from that!

Give yourself you time. Look after yourself..pampering etc. Take time to think about what YOU want. I'm early 50s and enjoy being on my own. The older I get, the more i love my own space. Dogs help. I have an arrangement with a man and every time I thought we could be in a relationship, he says or does something that puts me off. I also think I'd be sacrificing what I really would want in a man and settling for what's there. I also don't want the emotional turmoil.

...on line dating just plays with your mind. The amount of men I met, who had emotional baggage and just wanted to drag a woman down..not worth it.

Menora

i know you can’t imagine it right now but this horrible pain will abate
and it’s so horrible

it’s funny you say that a comedian woman said the exact same thing (post DVCE rehabilitation )

Lots of self care and treat yourself extra kindly this weekend pls

and yeah no OLD
jesus no

Went to see his parents today to pick up my things from them. Was hard seeing them tbh. They were really kind to me. Then I felt bad I had been so harsh on ex. I’m sure I was also to blame for some things too. Anyway I just feel drained but I have tried to keep busy.

How are you feeling today ? X

Today I feel so depressed all I have done is cry and I want him back. I know this is all normal processing but I am replaying everything ever in my head and tormenting myself. I feel so low and sad.

My mother is so unhelpful at the best of times but I had to tell her as he was meant to come to an event today and she tried to tell me that he would definitely regret it and want me back. This was the most unhelpful thing ever.

Everyone’s reactions is of absolute shock as they all thought we was a totally solid couple and we would go the distance. Everyone is also shocked he broke up with me. I think I am also shocked by this too.

I haven’t text him and I won’t. He's rejected me so I would be humiliating myself to do that and I know I don’t even want him back, I just want all the hurt to go away.

Finding it hard to think of a future and what that looks like. I am ok alone, I know I am, I just feel a failure. No one wants to be lonely or with the wrong person. Maybe I took him for granted that he would just always be there

Each day that goes by is a day longer from a man you were incompatible with. You don't need to keep churning over what YOU did wrong. He was probably just not in the right place for a relationship. Give it time and you will look back on this and see he wasnt worth it.

No, you just want comfort.

You wont find it in these people.

@WildUnchartedWaters no I totally did not want it from my mother! I was just telling her he wasn’t coming and she inserted her annoying opinion. My sister, friend and my adult daughter have been amazing. They are better at telling me it straight - I am better off without him. I am lucky to have them. I really do not want to lean on my DD as she isn’t my friend she’s my daughter but bless her, she’s lovely. I am bound to find this weekend hard it’s the first one and I would usually be with him on a Sunday.

I'm sorry menora I appear.to have managed to post on the wrong thread rather than the girl posting about a rubbish ex.

Sorry!

Having stumbled across you I hope you're okay!

It’s inevitable you feel shite this weekend
im so sorry through

you just want to fast forward 3 months x

This is the worst bit the middle of the night irrationally considering contacting him to confess all my love for him and planning out all these things to say and feeling like it was all my fault BUT I will not do this. Like did I take him for granted? Was I just selfish? Was I demanding? Did I not pay him enough attention? Was I difficult? What if I hadn’t done x y and z. I am obviously an intense person and maybe I’m too much. I feel like for me this was the deepest love I had ever experienced at one point, where even someone’s flaws don’t bother you. But reality me knows I was getting annoyed by him and sometimes wished he was different.

I’m so sorry OP, I feel for you. It feels awful, it really does. And our minds just take us around in circles questioning and analysing, which just makes it worse and leads us down paths which aren’t even true to what has actually happened. One day you will wake up and feel lighter, more like yourself, and each day after that you will feel better again. Take one day at a time, show yourself compassion and kindness, look after yourself in practical ways and in the way you think about yourself and your life. It will get easier 🤗

You didn't contact him @Menora and those urges will get less. You've done your first weekend now.

No I didn’t send anything

I am drinking 2 big glasses of wine a night which doesn’t sound bad but it is making me feel dreadful and exacerbating some of these feelings, it’s definitely being an unhealthy coping mechanism. I called in sick to work today, not hungover but exhausted due to no sleep and feeling awful.

As I feel overwhelmed I have done 2 things. I have signed up to a free drink coaching service and have a session tonight on zoom. I do not want things to get worse. I don’t even drink socially I drink alone to relax/zone out/escape.

Secondly I have gone back to the counselling service I used before. I don’t think I am codependent I think I can be overly emotionally dependent on others. So this is probably something I need some support with moving forward. I can’t work out if I am in denial about emotional dependence or my Dsis thinks he was emotionally unavailable so it triggered these feelings I usually have balanced out. Does this make sense. I want to talk it through though

Thank you so much for your kind words too

These are really positive steps OP :)

It’s a bit mean but so far the only way I am managing to feel better is mentally listing all his flaws that I did overlook to try to give myself the ick.

Like he has bad teeth and never went to the dentist and him and his kids never brush their teeth for 2 mins.
He had one flat pillow and a navy bedsheet until he stayed at mine and realised what nice bedding was for.
He is hairy and didn’t trim it so it was everywhere
He didn’t ever buy or wear nice clothes (until recently weirdly when he started buying lots of new clothes and going out more)

I kind of feel like maybe he did have his head turned by someone lately but I never had him down as that type and I will never know.
He has cried during sex sometimes which would freak me out and struggled to finish. he didn’t like being touched in a lot of places.
He is very very messy and disorganised
He is lazy and plays video games way more than he lets on
He doesn’t look after himself very well

I will keep icking