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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner just broke up with me - I’m angry

187 replies

Menora · 12/07/2023 20:40

I know it’s an emotion that is understandable but I am so angry. I worry that I might not handle things in a dignified way and there is no way I want to let him play the victim in this. It’s not a competition but it wasn’t a mutual decision and I was sort of blindsided. This is HIS decision so he doesn’t get to cry about it and get sympathy

He has broken up with me 3 times now but the first 2 times in the past I was upset and we talked and tried to make it work - although I told him he could walk away at that point and be honest with me. He didn’t. The last couple of weeks he’s been really distant and avoidant of me, basically friendzoned me (still had sex with me if I initiated it though didn’t he) so I asked him outright on a number of occasions if he was losing feelings for me and to be honest with me. Since that last chat where I asked him he said he did love me and want to be with me but then we were not really able to talk much more and we carried on doing things together, I’ve seen him a number of times and he hasn’t said anything else and was making some effort.

This evening he decides now is the time to admit the feelings aren’t there, and I feel so bloody stupid and strung along. I went out multiple places with him since our last talk, bought clothes for our holiday and he didn’t say anything. It’s my birthday soon and our holiday was due in a few weeks and now he is still going and I am just getting the money back. I don’t have anyone else to holiday with at short notice so just sad old me on my own for a week while he is going on our lovely holiday.

I was so close to all his family and his DC and now it’s just all gone. I’m so mad at him, I feel like the honest kind person I thought he was isn’t real. I gave him so many chances to have a proper sit down chat and discuss our feelings and I would have respected his decision if he didn’t decide to go and ‘think’ about it without even telling me he was having more doubts and sharing nothing with me until I was actually being dumped. I fully understand everyone’s right to change their mind and leave a relationship but what I am angry about is just dallying around burying his head in the sand avoiding talking to me about ANYTHING when he knew I was feeling anxious as there had been a sense of change in him and I kept asking and getting the answer I do love you.

I told him to leave as I couldn’t stand seeing him so pitiful feeling sorry for himself, and he’s gone. He wanted ME to make him feel better about His decision instead of just owning up to it too.

Im sure I will calm down but right now I am fuming. Any helpful advice

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 12/07/2023 22:09

Menora · 12/07/2023 21:59

I’m mad at myself for trusting him.

I am certainly going to move forward I have plenty going for me and I am ok single (not done a single holiday though)

I'm sure we've all been there. Next time, you won't let things drag on so long. Relationships are a learning experience.

You feel mad because you've wasted your time on him while he's dithered around trying to decide if he wants to be with you or not.

Best thing is to move on as quickly as possible from this.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 12/07/2023 22:10

It’s for the best
I know you don’t want to hear that now either bad you are hurting
but he’s tried to split 3 times , its not working

i strongly recommend you do a 3 week no contact . There are YouTube videos , and it really helps a lot

you need some time and space to process this
and be fairly indulgent
do what you want , really look after yourself

and delete him or hide on all and any social media bar for normal texts

maybe one day you will have closure but it’s way to early , keep him far away

you really can get through this xx

AngelinaFibres · 12/07/2023 22:21

Relationships should be easy for the majority of the time. Everyone has difficulty sometimes but your relationship doesn't sound as if it has ever been supportive and easy. You shouldn't need to work things through all the time or constantly talk about how you feel all the time. It sounds like it just wasn't meant to be. Nobody should bother being with someone who doesn't absolutely adore them. Take the refund and plan new things.

Mari9999 · 12/07/2023 22:23

OP, it doesn't sound as though you ever had much faith in the relationship, so is it possible that he might have been equally conflicted and confused about the relationship. It is possible that he gave you the answer when he finally felt that he had an answer.

There is no point in being angry. It does not sound as if either of you brought out the best in the other. Move on with your life and don't waste your time focusing on the past. Spend your time focusing on the future.

Takeabreather23 · 12/07/2023 22:23

Maybe he’s Manipulating everything and you don’t know what your feelings are as he’s messed you around .
who is he going on holiday with ?
Does he have a secret girlfriend ? Strange thing for a child to come out with an maybe an explanation to him
blowing hot and cold

Dont let him back he’s no good for you

SaccharineDream · 12/07/2023 22:24

You sound like hard to work

so do you, not to mention predictable. Yawn.

honeypancake · 12/07/2023 22:34

Try not to overanalyse it. You didn't feel good in that relationship, otherwise you wouldn't have always wanted to discuss his feelings etc, and for your self-esteem it is for the better it has ended. Yes it is a shock for you but you should try and accept that this if for the best. Start moving on day by day, enjoying your own company, and looking forward to the next chapter in your life!

Original poster
Menora · 12/07/2023 22:52

I do already feel better, thanks all. I haven’t cried I don’t feel sad tbh. Maybe I feel relieved.

He’s going away with family. I’m not sure he’s met anyone else but it’s possible he’s texting someone as he’s on his phone a lot or awol, I never know what he’s doing really. I’m pretty sure It’s not the person his DC told me about though as she’s like a smoking hot fiesty 11 (mum from school) but she is really nice and I don’t think my ex DP would be her type 🤣 he does not have the self confidence to handle her if he can’t handle me! I could be wrong but she can do a lot better! I have been upheaving my life half the week to stay at his house and living out of a bag so much and working full time is stressful. I’m going to take time to do things for myself and feel more settled

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 12/07/2023 23:13

You have a right to feel angry and let down. He sounds weak and spineless, not having the guts to be honest with you and letting the relationship continue even though he wasn't really feeling it. You gave him plenty of chances to talk about how he felt but it seems he couldn't actually be honest. Maybe he just didn't want to face the emotional fall out that comes with a break up. Whatever the reason you are better off without him, so for now concentrate on you and moving forwards. You sound like a strong person( certainly stronger than him!) You will be fine!

Lamelie · 12/07/2023 23:21

Stay angry my love.
You don’t sound like hard work by the way and he’s a nasty gas lighter.

SoSadForCav · 12/07/2023 23:37

Menora · 12/07/2023 21:59

I’m mad at myself for trusting him.

I am certainly going to move forward I have plenty going for me and I am ok single (not done a single holiday though)

@Menora

He's a coward.

it sounds like, once you've got over the shock of it, you'll be happier without him.

Solo holidays are the best! Only yourself to please. Eat/sleep/swim when YOU want.

i don't do 'all inclusive resort' type holidays though. I go to towns/villages in the south of France mostly. Sometimes I hire a car and move from
place to place, other times, just fly and train to a town/village & stay there. Markets, coffee, wander around, look at churches (not religious, just love them), go to a river/lake, attend local events, do activities (kayak/cycle), few drinks sitting in the lovely evening air... what's not to love???

Mmhmmn · 13/07/2023 00:00

Menora · 12/07/2023 21:59

I’m mad at myself for trusting him.

I am certainly going to move forward I have plenty going for me and I am ok single (not done a single holiday though)

I have to agree with this

Just sounds like he felt bad and tried to make it work but he doesn’t want it enough.

Would you do something like a yoga retreat? Or there are more active hols where you can go on minibus tours with groups of others.

Original poster
Menora · 13/07/2023 05:45

Mmhmmn · 13/07/2023 00:00

I have to agree with this

Just sounds like he felt bad and tried to make it work but he doesn’t want it enough.

Would you do something like a yoga retreat? Or there are more active hols where you can go on minibus tours with groups of others.

Show quote history

I feel like he didn’t try, I was the one trying. It’s hard to capture all the info but part of why I was annoyed was that all the work was being done by me in the end. He had just opted out. So he wasn’t trying anything, just maybe hoping to get off the hook somehow and trying not to think about it in denial. and I kept bringing it up to discuss as I am not in denial and more emotionally mature or open than him overall. I would graciously accept an open ‘we both tried but it didn’t work’ without being angry.

He does feel bad but by now that’s his own fault so don’t feel sorry for him pls. He had literally said ‘I love you’ earlier on. The way he told me it was over was to turn up quire late, kind of stand awkwardly refuse to sit down in my house and I had to ask ‘are you ok?’ And he said ‘no it’s that… thing… well… what you said the other day….yeah’. So I said ‘you are breaking up with me?’ He said ‘yeah…’ so I said ‘yep ok, got it’ there was this massive long silence where he said nothing so I said ‘you can leave now’ and he hung around saying nothing to make sure I was ok while I angrily unloaded the dishwasher. So years of a relationship - that’s the fucking ‘farewell’ I got.

I didn’t sleep well I’m not as angry but I am mulling things over - it is for the best (for me anyway) and I am ok with being single and ok with not having to put up with some things I was. I just feel irritated at the thought of people saying to HIM ‘oh no poor you, are you ok?’ When he tells them we broke up because he will be doing a ‘it’s so hard I’m putting on a brave face’ act or him making it sound like it was in any way mutual or down to me. It wasn’t. I was a fucking great girlfriend tbh 🖕🏼

OP posts:
ChubbyMorticia · 13/07/2023 05:57

I suspect you’re mostly angry with yourself for ignoring your gut and believing him instead.

Remember that for the future. Trust your gut.

Original poster
Menora · 13/07/2023 06:04

ChubbyMorticia · 13/07/2023 05:57

I suspect you’re mostly angry with yourself for ignoring your gut and believing him instead.

Remember that for the future. Trust your gut.

I do feel angry about that yes. I had been thinking lately about what to do all the time but it was more how do I bring back the spark in us, what can I do better and then I would see him and he would be there, but distant and I have felt so lonely/alone for a while now.

As I said I did already sit him down in a blame free way a few times and say is this what we both want still? Here is your chance to be honest with me. He didn’t exonerate me of the blame I feel or treat me with any real kindness or respect yesterday so I am sad about that. I deserved a more respectful break up from him in my head. Respect and openness was supposed to be what our relationship was about but he was constantly in his own head these last few months.

I’ve got so much better at trusting my gut so it wasn’t a shock yesterday as much as it was the delivery of the information from him

I need to stop mulling. I’ve now got more time to hit the gym so I’m up early

OP posts:
firstmummy2019 · 13/07/2023 06:07

This sounds exactly like my ex. He had broken up with me once before, I was do upset. We got back together but he was so hot and cold, he really messed with my head. He made zero effort for the 2 months we got back together, kept cancelling meetups. Hadn't seen him for 2 weeks was meant to meetup before I was due to go on holiday. He cancelled at the last minute. This is where I found my anger, told him it was over.

In hindsight, he was too cowardly to tell me himself the second time, so was treating me to badly hoping that I would eventually break-up with him.

So I actually think the anger you are feeling now is a good thing. It is making you see the way he has treated you is not ok and you are worth more than this. There is a time and place for anger and this is it. But don't let it consume you. This is the time to work on you.

I also advise to go no contact. Do not, under any circumstance contact him. My ex eventually contacted me 3 months later to apologise and 6 months later crying down the phone saying he wanted me back and that he loved me still. I think this was because he sensed I had moved on as there was zero contact on my side. I had met my new partner in that time and 8 years and 2 kids later are still together.

This is a blessing in disguise for you. Start working on your self, your self esteem. Get into exercise, buy new clothes, go on that holiday etc.

cuckyplunt · 13/07/2023 06:09

This sounds like it ended for him
He’s taken four weeks to work out his feelings and then has ended it. That’s not really stringing in someone along.

guineacup · 13/07/2023 06:10

It looks like he's been struggling and confused with his feelings for a while, and whilst it's completely shit to be on the other end of that (I know from personal experience), this just sounds like a relationship that hasn't worked, and it sounds similar to many relationship trajectories tbh. Neither of you have done anything bad here (eg you don't come across as hard work and his actions aren't gaslighting). You're just a couple that didn't work out.

Whataretheodds · 13/07/2023 06:22

Definitely you could go on holiday by yourself. Or to a group holiday.

What kind of stuff do you like? There are lots of fitness holidays that people turn up to on their own- check out workout away, gutsy girls, yoga hikes, the body holiday.

Original poster
Menora · 13/07/2023 06:27

I’m new to the gym and working out so I am not sure I am ready for a whole weekend of exercise

I wish I did feel like it was a ce La vie situation but it is stringing me along, and it always will be to leave your partner anxious and worried for weeks on end not knowing what’s happening. If you need time to sort your head out you should still be up front and say something, not say nothing at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Menora · 13/07/2023 06:33

I was trying to lose weight and get fit so maybe he would fancy me more. I am doing it for me now though, for my health

OP posts:
CharlotteRose90 · 13/07/2023 06:43

It’s over . Time to move on and stop talking about what ifs. He tried to end it numerous times and you talked him round. This relationship was a no go. You need someone to validate your feelings and it isn’t him. Concentrate on yourself and get some therapy before you enter a new relationship. You sound too self conscious for a relationship currently .

supersop60 · 13/07/2023 06:45

OP - you are not hard work.
It was a sign when you broke up twice before that things weren't right and he just didn't put in the effort.
Another vote here for the not-so-secret girlfriend, especially as his former partner also accused him of it.
Irrelevant now - you are better off without him. Just concentrate on you.

Mirabai · 13/07/2023 06:48

I mean the secret gf thing may be true if he’s guarding his phone and going awol. He’s certainly not invested in this relationship.

I think the lesson here is to see the red flags much earlier - that he’s just not that into you and dicking you around - so you don’t waste time trying make something work with someone who isn’t putting in the same effort.

PimpMyFridge · 13/07/2023 06:59

He sounds emotionally immature, self centred/pitying and like he was hedging his bets.
No wonder you feel bad, he hasn't handled things well in the way he's gone about all this.
Someone who can't discuss issues which are serious enough to make them change their behaviour towards you and talk about ending things, isn't someone you want to build a life with really.
So it's rubbish and horrible and painful, but the anger is useful it'll act as your radar in future for avoiding people with similarly under developed relationship skills.