Partner just broke up with me - I’m angry

[Menora]

I know it’s an emotion that is understandable but I am so angry. I worry that I might not handle things in a dignified way and there is no way I want to let him play the victim in this. It’s not a competition but it wasn’t a mutual decision and I was sort of blindsided. This is HIS decision so he doesn’t get to cry about it and get sympathy

He has broken up with me 3 times now but the first 2 times in the past I was upset and we talked and tried to make it work - although I told him he could walk away at that point and be honest with me. He didn’t. The last couple of weeks he’s been really distant and avoidant of me, basically friendzoned me (still had sex with me if I initiated it though didn’t he) so I asked him outright on a number of occasions if he was losing feelings for me and to be honest with me. Since that last chat where I asked him he said he did love me and want to be with me but then we were not really able to talk much more and we carried on doing things together, I’ve seen him a number of times and he hasn’t said anything else and was making some effort.

This evening he decides now is the time to admit the feelings aren’t there, and I feel so bloody stupid and strung along. I went out multiple places with him since our last talk, bought clothes for our holiday and he didn’t say anything. It’s my birthday soon and our holiday was due in a few weeks and now he is still going and I am just getting the money back. I don’t have anyone else to holiday with at short notice so just sad old me on my own for a week while he is going on our lovely holiday.

I was so close to all his family and his DC and now it’s just all gone. I’m so mad at him, I feel like the honest kind person I thought he was isn’t real. I gave him so many chances to have a proper sit down chat and discuss our feelings and I would have respected his decision if he didn’t decide to go and ‘think’ about it without even telling me he was having more doubts and sharing nothing with me until I was actually being dumped. I fully understand everyone’s right to change their mind and leave a relationship but what I am angry about is just dallying around burying his head in the sand avoiding talking to me about ANYTHING when he knew I was feeling anxious as there had been a sense of change in him and I kept asking and getting the answer I do love you.

I told him to leave as I couldn’t stand seeing him so pitiful feeling sorry for himself, and he’s gone. He wanted ME to make him feel better about His decision instead of just owning up to it too.

Im sure I will calm down but right now I am fuming. Any helpful advice

Why did you split up the previous two times?
why are you selling yourself short? He’s happy to have sex with you even tho you have noticed he’s distant
sounds like things were not great and he’s been happy to plod along

I would celebrate your birthday with the money from the trip you’ve cancelled and have a blast

Stay angry so he doesnt make his way back

He broke up with me before because fundamentally I don’t think he really likes me as a person to be honest. It was always after something I had supposedly done that made him feel ‘triggered’ so made him fight or flight. Like one time his child told me he had a secret girlfriend and I got upset, but calmly so and I asked him and he denied it so I said ok, I believe you. When I say upset I was like shaken and stressed about it, I was calm to him though. He said his ex was always accusing him of that and it upset him. I ended up apologising for being upset about information his child told me!

Then one other time it was me being upset about something I had made a mistake and I was upset with myself about it, like kicking myself for it. To try to help me he got overly involved and wouldn’t stop trying to do something to ‘fix’ this problem even when I asked him 20 times to please listen, and stop and just let it go he got mad at me for being ungrateful. I didn’t ask for his help and he didn’t listen to me asking him to stop. I said I know he cares but it’s not nice to feel like someone doesn’t listen to you

You sound like hard to work

Why do you keep wanting to talk about feelings?

Do you ask your friends how they feel about you constantly?

No I don’t have to because they don’t make me feel like shit or avoid me

The feelings when his child told her he had a secret girlfriend? Wow yes hard work, op. Why question your partner having a secret girlfriend.

He said all along he has had doubts which is why he knew I kept asking and he was distant because I was right, his feeling had changed - but saying something different, I do love you, I do want to be with you I’m just not going to have any physical contact with you for 4 weeks. He’s a coward. I’m a big girl I can take the truth. What I’m mad about is being strung along

Maybe he wanted it to work out. Maybe there was a straw that broke the camels back moment snd he couldn't make a decision until then.
The things you list are all just parts of everyday life, there's never ever a good time to leave anybody. If you looked hard enough you would always be able to find some reason it's a bad time.

I know being dumped sucks and you are allowed to feel its unfair, but the best thing to do is pick yourself up, look at the failures in the relationship and accept them and then move on. The faster you start looking to the future the faster you can forget about all of this. Don't bother with anger. Anger means you still care. Anger means he's taking up too much head space. Start planning a way forward without him.

Just sounds like he felt bad and tried to make it work but he doesn’t want it enough. I don’t think that makes him a bad human does it?

He sounds as though he is only interested in how he feels and how he appears - probably especially how he appears to himself. He wanted ro be the one to sort your issue - big man eh? -but you blockes his Mr Fantastic act so he was annoyed. You were not cooperating with his carefully cultivated self-image.

No wonder you're annoyed. To object to not being listened to is not 'being hard work'. Unless the definition of aqoman being hard work is having her own preferences and asking for them to be respected .

You're better off out of it. Relationships shouldn't be about you constantly worrying if he still wants you. I don't 'do' friends and have quite happily spent birthdays, alone, with the dogs. You don't need him. Rely on yourself, nobody else

I’m not mad at him breaking up with me, it’s always a difficult thing to do. I’m mad that he’s put me on the back burner of his ‘to do’ list to get round to at some point whilst still getting sex out of me.

Then why did you keep letting him?

You did have a choice?

Get your self respect back and stop letting him use you. All he does is make you feel inadequate.

..although it's easy for me to say..

You let him behave like this as you accepted it
you sound quite passive
You’re within yoru rights to expect and demand better
from what you’ve said you weren’t compatible - how long were you together?

I don’t know what you mean, the choice I made was to want to be with him and work through it and he told me he wanted that too. apart from he didn’t actually want it, and took a while to tell me. I also had been nervous of anything too emotional or confrontational as he would freak out so I asked him honestly and calmly to talk to me if anything was up, and he said it was all ok. We had both been busy lately etc. you just put these things down to a busy life sometimes and trust the person who you love/loves you to be honest with you. Which he now finally has been but I have been feeling really isolated and confused.

It’s not something I was ready to leave him over and that’s on me. I don’t know why you are making me feel worse. I already feel pretty shit, unloveable, bad person, overly emotional, too clingy and needy, all the ways he made me feel. And other partners have never accused me of being this way so I am not sure the issue is entirely all me.

Some unnecessarily harsh comments here, OP. Give yourself grace.

you’re better than someone keeping you on the back burner. You’re better than someone who can change their mind about you or keep you guessing. And I’m willing to bet that your next partner will have better listening skills than the man you describe. The next one might even like you as a person. Or love you! Imagine that.

be mad. Then be better and never sleep with him again. You’ll get through x

Relationships shouldn't be about you constantly worrying if he still wants you

Exactly this. And relationships shouldn't be an endless slog of hard work, multiple break-ups, being afraid that you might say something that makes your partner run away and trying to please someone who always seems dissatisfied.

It hurts to get dumped but honestly this doesn't sound like a solid, healthy relationship.

Anger is normal, it's just one stage on the way to getting over a break-up. Did he string you along? Maybe, or maybe he was just dragging his feet because he dreaded hurting you. You're never going to know the answer to that so let it go and just keep moving forward. You'll be fine, it just takes time.

It’s shit now, but don’t let it make you bitter. Move on and be happy. That’s the best response.

I’m mad at myself for trusting him.

I am certainly going to move forward I have plenty going for me and I am ok single (not done a single holiday though)

Maybe the secret gf was true?

Agh they are so annoying. Men can often be cowardly like this around break ups. My ex left me at 8m pregnant the day after booking us a table to celebrate our anniversary this week- I think this shows they were in two minds because, even though they ended it, there were many parts of the relationship and you that they loved and are sad to lose. In time you might find some solace in that, looking back when it's not so raw.
I also got told when I asked him to show me some empathy (after being left while very pregnant) that I should show him empathy too as he was also heartbroken and this comment of mine showed I only cared about myself not him 😭

The ONLY thing you can do now is focus on having the biggest mental and physical flow up of your life, stop focusing on why he did it how he did and focus only on yourself

Don’t be mad with yourself. It’s good to trust people.

I already feel pretty shit, unloveable, bad person, overly emotional, too clingy and needy, all the ways he made me feel

@Menora Anytime you get the urge to get back together with him, re-read what you wrote. If that's how a relationship makes you feel about yourself then it's not worth salvaging. Doesn't matter who is right/wrong, it will never work if it fills you with self-loathing.

There are worse thing than being alone. Far worse.

*that week, not this week!