Partner just broke up with me - I’m angry

[Menora]

I know it’s an emotion that is understandable but I am so angry. I worry that I might not handle things in a dignified way and there is no way I want to let him play the victim in this. It’s not a competition but it wasn’t a mutual decision and I was sort of blindsided. This is HIS decision so he doesn’t get to cry about it and get sympathy

He has broken up with me 3 times now but the first 2 times in the past I was upset and we talked and tried to make it work - although I told him he could walk away at that point and be honest with me. He didn’t. The last couple of weeks he’s been really distant and avoidant of me, basically friendzoned me (still had sex with me if I initiated it though didn’t he) so I asked him outright on a number of occasions if he was losing feelings for me and to be honest with me. Since that last chat where I asked him he said he did love me and want to be with me but then we were not really able to talk much more and we carried on doing things together, I’ve seen him a number of times and he hasn’t said anything else and was making some effort.

This evening he decides now is the time to admit the feelings aren’t there, and I feel so bloody stupid and strung along. I went out multiple places with him since our last talk, bought clothes for our holiday and he didn’t say anything. It’s my birthday soon and our holiday was due in a few weeks and now he is still going and I am just getting the money back. I don’t have anyone else to holiday with at short notice so just sad old me on my own for a week while he is going on our lovely holiday.

I was so close to all his family and his DC and now it’s just all gone. I’m so mad at him, I feel like the honest kind person I thought he was isn’t real. I gave him so many chances to have a proper sit down chat and discuss our feelings and I would have respected his decision if he didn’t decide to go and ‘think’ about it without even telling me he was having more doubts and sharing nothing with me until I was actually being dumped. I fully understand everyone’s right to change their mind and leave a relationship but what I am angry about is just dallying around burying his head in the sand avoiding talking to me about ANYTHING when he knew I was feeling anxious as there had been a sense of change in him and I kept asking and getting the answer I do love you.

I told him to leave as I couldn’t stand seeing him so pitiful feeling sorry for himself, and he’s gone. He wanted ME to make him feel better about His decision instead of just owning up to it too.

Im sure I will calm down but right now I am fuming. Any helpful advice

If you mean sex well it was always me who initiated it anyway so it wasn’t that unusual

But op there is no perfect way to do this
there is no way he could have done this without hurting you lovely

But some people manage better.
So it's ok to be dismayed that valid attempts to understand what was going on and manage things well were met with walls and denial instead of talk.
Break up pain can't be avoided if a relationship ends is true, but there are degrees of 'handling it well' which can exacerbate or mitigate that, depending.

@PimpMyFridge
Sometimes, incompatibility is simply means that my needs are not within the scope of what you can articulate or provide.

Sometimes, I may not have an answer at the time that you are needing or demanding an answer. That does not make me a bad or insensitive person. It simply means that I haven't yet formed an answer for myself , and as such I have no answer to share.

Constantly asking does not make an answer appear simply because want or need the answer.

@Mari9999 I’ve never demanded an answer for anything.

If I ask is everything ok, and you say yes it’s fine then I either have to believe you and accept it or decide I don’t trust you, and then that’s an issue. Prior to this week I didn’t actually have an issue with trusting him but I do now.

The problem arose that despite him saying yes I am fine, it’s all fine I would then accept that the problem was probably me and trust his answer, and try and adapt myself but nothing ever changed or it reverted back, so I would ask things shall we make plans, let’s go out, ways to reconnect together. I would feel not good enough or not fun enough or not happy enough or sexy enough.

I also was always happy for him to do his own thing and was always supportive if he was too tired to see me or busy and never actually thought he was avoiding me until the past few weeks.

A week or so ago I brought up the severe awkwardness that had developed between us as an opener too - have I upset you? Are you ok? is there anything you need from me/us? He was so uncommunicative I ended up babbling on by myself giving him windows of opportunity here there and everywhere to break up - worrying he was angry with me (said he wasn’t) but suddenly he would say something alarming like ‘I don’t want to try and change you’. I would ask for context about this but he wouldn’t give it to me and either couldn’t or wouldn’t articulate himself. it was like talking to a blank white wall but if I veered into ‘well if you want to just call things now, we can?’ He said ‘no no that’s not what I mean’ WHAT DID YOU MEAN I HAD NO CLUE.

We ended that discussion with me saying “I love you and want to get back on track but don’t stay with me to make me happy if it isn’t making you happy, you don’t seem very happy, so let’s break up” and him saying “I love you so I want to try make it work” kind of thing, and that was the last discussion in person.

so yeah I set out the entire preamble for him and he just came over and gave me sad eyes and no words

Oh stop it.

This thread is just making me angry now it’s not helping me as I feel like I am defending myself so much. I just wanted some support, I don’t know why people think it’s helpful to kick someone when they are down. It’s not like anything you say can make a difference to my relationship it’s dead and over now. It’s not like hearing you tell me I am wrong is going to change anything. I’m sure I’m no Angel. I hate that he’s maybe telling stories about me to other people that I’m awful.

Doesn't sound it's truly over OP. Can you sit down for a proper chat, sounds like he needs to air his concerns properly, he's not been doing that has he. Has he updated his social media etc?

Menora

im sorry
you are clearly hurting right now
and of course you are angry with the man that hurt you

i got a lot of solace from Matthew hussey videos and all the comments under them

youll watch a video and say ‘yes ‘ then read hundred of comments and you realise you are not alone
this pain is universal x

And he’ll be sad too
and i can’t imagine he’s telling people you are awful
he’ll just say ‘sorry it didn’t work out’

men don’t vent as much as the women !

He will give examples he did with his ex. Also I think his family will all be like WTF they all seemed to like me a lot and said I was so good for him and a few of them contacted me to say sorry and stay in touch but I’m sure they won’t want to if he tells them bad things about me. I wouldn’t say anything to them about him anyway wouldn’t be fair.

Not even a sorry it turned out this way has got me sad. I went in our shared calendar and deleted all the events he had put in it. I deleted all the photos of him off my Insta. It had just been our anniversary and this year he didn’t even acknowledge it, I did try. I still don’t feel better about anything yet!

No I don’t think he will speak to me off his own back to be honest. I cringe at the idea of asking him anything, would be better off pulling my own nails out. It is over. He doesn’t love me

You've had some very off beam replies on here, some people have put a rather odd twist on what you've said.

I think I get exactly what you are saying OP.

In the end he was too much of a fucking coward you had to jump through hoops so he could end the relationship.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and you might just have hit a hindsight jackpot here, I am going to guess the holiday would have been like pulling hen's teeth for you.

My suggestion, book something else, somewhere you can swan around looking fabulous in your new holiday clothes, washing that man right out of your hair so to speak.

So what do you like doing? Even if you just go and watch handsome young men walk past (the cops in Naples are bizarrely good looking by the way.......)

You have booked the time off, you have the cash, you have bought the clothes, it's your birthday soon.....come on don't let his wet drip of a dumping make you lose out on going away as well.

Fuck him.

There's some real nasty people on MN. You see them on most posts, attacking the OP with horrible comments, condescending questions and general misogyny.

Read the posts that are genuinely meaningful to you and try to ignore the rest. Xx

@frozendaisy

My suggestion, book something else, somewhere you can swan around looking fabulous in your new holiday clothes, washing that man right out of your hair so to speak.

So what do you like doing? Even if you just go and watch handsome young men walk past (the cops in Naples are bizarrely good looking by the way.......)
^^^^^

This is very good advise.
Lots of self care now op
Ignore the mean comments
You've got this.

Break ups are painful. But there's no point going over and over how he could have done things better. It's done now, and to be honest it sounds like you're best off out of it.

You are clinging to your anger to stop the upset that's coming. The anger is pointless though, it won't change anything. I've been through it too - "Why didn't he do this?! Why did he do that?!" It's all pointless in the end. When somebody doesn't want to be with someone, they don't want to be with them.

Be kind to yourself. Watch some movies, slob around, or do whatever you need to do to comfort yourself. I bet this breakup will be a good thing, in the end.

It’s SOP.

Men are simple creatures (I’m being tongue in cheek - almost). You kept his bed warm so he was reluctant and lazy to find a replacement. But for whatever reason he feels he can make the break now.

I don’t feel confident enough to book a holiday on my own! I don’t really like flying, I do fly with other people but I am anxious at the thought of flying alone and being stuck with only my own thoughts for days on end! My DD said maybe she would be free but I know she would rather go with her mates

my best friend has asked me over for wine tomorrow, so I will go over but I won’t drink too much.

Yes I am going to keep on with diet and fitness, without a doubt. He was a massive feeder and diet sabotager, he had gained so SO much weight and sex was actually getting really awkward due to it at times but I loved him, so I didn’t want to hurt him I just wanted him to be healthy. Last year we lost a good amount of weight weight together then he convinced me to stop dieting I’ve done really well on my diet this time around, he wasn’t really into it this time so this is a good thing for me.

I do not mind being single, I’m not scared of it. I just haven’t done a holiday alone I am not sure about it?

Is it passive aggressive to not only leave all our mutual group chats but also delete all the calendar invites he sent me, remove him from my subscriptions, unfriend him on SM and delete all photos of us together? 🙈
the worst one was deleting our huge WhatsApp chat that had thousands and thousands of messages and photos. I did it though

Invest the money on a hot tub instead and do some nice things for you

Menora

id say reactive more than passive agressive

but that’s ok ! Your upset !
and its probably pretty healthy

you need no online reminders

DO IT!!!! very freeing. Clean slate.

Eurostar to Paris, Paris to the rest of Europe!

Easy, safe, you can watch french villages fly past, and Italian ones.

Central hotel, not too late nights out but fabulous days, hotel with a bar for a nightcap nice and safe.

Trashy girlie books, language guide and the fuck you I went feeling

Who cares what it is.

If you need to do it then do that.