Partner just broke up with me - I’m angry

[Menora]

I know it’s an emotion that is understandable but I am so angry. I worry that I might not handle things in a dignified way and there is no way I want to let him play the victim in this. It’s not a competition but it wasn’t a mutual decision and I was sort of blindsided. This is HIS decision so he doesn’t get to cry about it and get sympathy

He has broken up with me 3 times now but the first 2 times in the past I was upset and we talked and tried to make it work - although I told him he could walk away at that point and be honest with me. He didn’t. The last couple of weeks he’s been really distant and avoidant of me, basically friendzoned me (still had sex with me if I initiated it though didn’t he) so I asked him outright on a number of occasions if he was losing feelings for me and to be honest with me. Since that last chat where I asked him he said he did love me and want to be with me but then we were not really able to talk much more and we carried on doing things together, I’ve seen him a number of times and he hasn’t said anything else and was making some effort.

This evening he decides now is the time to admit the feelings aren’t there, and I feel so bloody stupid and strung along. I went out multiple places with him since our last talk, bought clothes for our holiday and he didn’t say anything. It’s my birthday soon and our holiday was due in a few weeks and now he is still going and I am just getting the money back. I don’t have anyone else to holiday with at short notice so just sad old me on my own for a week while he is going on our lovely holiday.

I was so close to all his family and his DC and now it’s just all gone. I’m so mad at him, I feel like the honest kind person I thought he was isn’t real. I gave him so many chances to have a proper sit down chat and discuss our feelings and I would have respected his decision if he didn’t decide to go and ‘think’ about it without even telling me he was having more doubts and sharing nothing with me until I was actually being dumped. I fully understand everyone’s right to change their mind and leave a relationship but what I am angry about is just dallying around burying his head in the sand avoiding talking to me about ANYTHING when he knew I was feeling anxious as there had been a sense of change in him and I kept asking and getting the answer I do love you.

I told him to leave as I couldn’t stand seeing him so pitiful feeling sorry for himself, and he’s gone. He wanted ME to make him feel better about His decision instead of just owning up to it too.

Im sure I will calm down but right now I am fuming. Any helpful advice

I think a person's lack can cause needs to arise that would otherwise be in balance. It's part of our compatibility, or not, if someone's norm is a good fit for our needs and contentment.
It's great you've quickly identified the count with wine needs nipping in the bud, that kind of send awareness is such a great strength.
The way you talk about what has happened and your reactions, you come across as having very constructive approaches to the obstacles life throws in your way, seeking to understand and use work out the best response for now.
Naturally you've had the rug pulled from under you so you're bound to need some time to find your feet again, but I think you're doing great and I hope you continue to gain strength and calm.

@PimpMyFridgethank you
what I realise is that the imbalance was there from the off as I was the strong confident open one and he was the insecure introvert. I invested a lot of time at the start reassuring him I did love all the things he didn’t like about himself and he would tell me he felt his confidence soared. He was confident finally in his own skin, and more so in bed. But when it was my turn for comfort or reassurance he found it an irritant.

That's a great shame. Clearly he felt the benefits of a supportive partner but still didn't have the character or patience to be one, which is disappointing given the concept was one which he'd personally been helped by.
I suppose in the end if you're not inspired by the kind of warmth you're shown, maybe you either don't have it in you at all, or you've spent too long in life not having that as part of your relationships and are too ingrained to change.
Either way it means what he can offer a life partner is limited and rather one way in at least one key respect.
Someone with limited emotional range like that can only sustain shallow, or arms length relationships... Whereas you can sustain much more and want more, that is very clear from everything you've said in this thread. I hope you find it.

@PimpMyFridge
this is how it feels but I am not sure if I am rewriting history or not. I read an article about how an emotional dependent and an emotional avoidant are pretty confident at the beginning of a RS as there is less at stake, but as you settle down and get serious the avoidant withdraws and this makes the dependent pursue. It’s almost going to be inevitable that withdrawing from someone is going to trigger a feeling of change and if you don’t open up to your partner or you do, and it makes them nervous around you then it’s going to lead to splitting up. I wish he had talked to me more about how he was feeling, we literally only ever talked when in a crisis, we didn’t ever have check in’s on each other apart from ‘are you ok’.

I had an online session with a drink coach, I tried very hard not to but I cried. They were very nice and told me not to be so hard on myself. I realise I have a ton of time and nothing to fill it with. My friend cancelled on me this weekend and I don’t have anyone else to make plans with so I am panicking a little bit about what on Earth I will do for an entire 48 hours

You are catastrophising. Treat yourself as your own best friend. Look at a whole new image change. Eat well, no booze. A trip to somewhere nice. Make a list and add suggestions to it. So much you can do alone in 2 days.

I do need to do a list but I realise I am absolutely no good at doing things on my own and never end up doing them. I don’t know what’s holding me back. I say I am super independent but I’ve always had some form of company, it was children for a very long time then it was ex and his family. I have to take a big step and do something alone. I can’t take a trip alone every weekend for the rest of my life I need to also learn how to find things to do that aren’t big expensive gestures for myself. I need a hobby.

I asked an old single male friend out for a (very platonic) drink if he is available this weekend, he says he is but he is quite laid back so not sure if I will have to do all the work. He is nice company though

The coach said to me I will set myself up to fail if I try to do everything all at once, so stopping drinking, dieting, exercising, taking trips and basically just getting over everything in one weekend might be unrealistic

Are there any events on locally that you can go and watch. That way you have the sensation of company, doing things as part of an audience, but not needing a specific individual to agree to accompany you?

You are already involving booze again.

Asking a single old male friend out for a drink is the LAST thing you should be doing.

I’m driving not drinking. He might drink but I am not going to. We live rurally and it’s a pain getting a taxi back to where I live anyway

@WildUnchartedWaters we were all meant to go out this weekend but my friend and her DH have pulled out so I said to the other guy we could still go if he was free. I would have been going anyway but just with 2 other people. I’ve known him since he was like 10, he’s like a little brother

Okay, but 'because I cant do it all at once' isn't an excuse to do none of it. You are again focusing on other people.

I’m not committed to it though, it’s an option. I am drinking and crying alone at home that’s the issue not going out drinking as I would drive, so I do want to go out and do something in some way, even if alone. When my friend cancelled I was trying to think what else do do. I will see what’s on otherwise but I don’t think anything in my local area

Aw pal, been there.
I drank every day for quite a long time. Ive kicked it now and drink sparkling water on an evening and go to bed early but I know its hard.

Menora

I think your doing really well fwiw 💪

I don’t feel like I am doing well anymore

I have plans Friday night with DD, then I have all day Saturday, Sat night, Sunday day and Sunday night to fill. This is why I was like ok sat night I can make a plan with a friend, then the other days I will do something in the day time by myself rather than sit indoors alone and be tempted to drink in the evenings.

I resisted the temptation last night to take ex up on his offer of staying friends/talking to him if I needed to because it is not the right thing to do. I just miss the company now I assume. I didn’t drink and I slept a bit better.

Ex SIL text me to tell me the DC are very upset about me being gone but will be ok, but she is being odd and cagey so I have no idea why - she doesn’t have to contact me if she doesn’t want to. I have a strong feeling ex would have told her (and asked for her advice to dump me) before he told me, and she knows something that I don’t or I am being judged for something. Even though she knows I am very upset she hasn’t said one word of comfort or empathy to me. If I’ve done something wrong to ex then I still don’t know what it is I’ve done and I never will. I’ve deleted our chat and I am not going to message her anymore. She reached out to me but now I assume this was just politeness. I appreciate people not wanting to get involved but there is something weird and off about our contact I wasn’t expecting. We got on so well before (she’s not his sister, she’s his SIL). I feel like there is some big secret I don’t know about so I am going to have to cut contact no one is going to tell me what it is.

I wouldn't be silent about your pov with his family in the way you said you were doing, it will leave room for untruths to take hold. Just be calmly honest, you're going to miss the kids and him terribly, you've been blindsided by this and you don't really understand his reasons for doing it as he hasn't shared his thoughts with you. You're devastated and appreciate them being kind.
That's not bad mouthing him, or asking them to take sides, but it does indicate that things might not be all that he's depicted so if he is sullying your name it might give them pause before they swallow the lot.
If it was me, I'd do that just because I wouldn't be happy with people I like and respect believing all the blame lay with me.

Meanwhile if I had a weekend I was dreading due to loneliness or immense sadness and needing to not be alone (I would so love a weekend alone right now 🙈. though I do get how you feel as have felt that way before!) I would be seek out something that got me into the presence of others one way or another, or completely change my environment, to stop me sliding into pouring a drink and being too inwards focused.
See if something is going on like a local litter pick
My local animal rescue centre have people going in to do kitten play to socialise their young cats waiting for homes, your can go and spend the day stroking cats! 🤣
Go to the library and read, this weekend help me as if I was other people coming and going would give me a sense of normality continuing in the storm of my grief iyswim
Head to a mountain and take in the view (not sure why but it always makes things seem less massive somehow).

Just some daft suggestions but anything that jolts you out of dwelling on your situation is good.

I don’t like the sound of this SIL either
good call deleting her

look the empty weekend is textbook 101 what life throws at us
im afraid that weekends will be a bit of an endurance test for a while

I’ve been known to set myself demanding house projects and just exhaust myself doing them

things will settle and new opportunities arise but it’s VERY early days

@PimpMyFridge something is not right. SIL would tell him in front of me that I was good for him and that I brought out the best in him. She always supported us a a couple and seeing him grow and told him he was lucky to have met me.

I know she thought he had no backbone but was treated badly by his ex and they had felt sorry for him when this happened and disliked her, but the irony is he just dumped me in almost the exact same way the way his wife dumped him. When it did it I said to him I thought you of all people knew how it felt for this to happen to you?

He did offer to stay friends or be there for me if I ever needed him so I can’t have done anything awful can I really, but he was just saying this to make himself the good guy I suppose?

I am going to a gallery and museum this weekend, I always wanted to take him there and he never was interested to go with me.

@PimpMyFridge this is exactly what I have said, I said I don’t think I did anything wrong but I don’t know as he never shared his feelings with me, I am very shocked and blindsided as I wasn’t expecting it and I am gutted about the kids and feel terrible for them, and will miss them terribly. I haven’t said anything bad about him either.

You've done and said all that you can. 💐

Hope you enjoy the gallery and museum, what a great idea and the fact you couldn't go with him is a nice touch. 🙌

The gym was a brilliant focus for me when I separated from my exh. I was losing weight because of the stress of the separation and the gym helped me get physically strong and toned which was great for my self confidence.
I was 49. I met my now husband at 50 and am so happy and content in myself and in my marriage.
Anything is possible 💐

@Howareu
thank you - I have lost over 1st 9lbs now and I am not giving up the gym it’s good for my mental health. I have lost 4lbs since the break up alone but this is not in a good way as I feel sick and finding it hard to eat (stress). I have another 17kg to lose till my ideal weight and it is helping me with my confidence. I’m happy to hear of your happy ending x

It’s one of my favourite places to go, so I know I will enjoy it. I’ve been many times. He went to a gallery show with another woman, an old friend from uni I never met a few weeks ago but never went with me. When he came back he was all dressed up in a shirt and had been out for a posh lunch with her too.