Dating Thread 242 - Mid-Summer daters

[qqq82]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@WtP i genuinely don’t know what has become so significant that it’s causing him to feel as he claims and be distancing himself from me. We do have some issues around intimacy, dates becoming a bit flat etc but we seem to still get on well as people. My anger fed by anxiety when he went off grid and didn’t let me know where he was for 8 hours a couple of weekends ago may have triggered a reaction. He might be feeling a bit hemmed in as previously he spent much his social life with his mates through football and clubs. But now he’s late 50s and can’t do those things anymore although some of his friends seem to still give it their best shot. He’s never been married and only lived with 2 women for a few years each time. Nothing prior to me for several years when his mom was unwell and sadly passed away. Speculation though on my part if any of this is the cause.

I fully understand your issue with going off grid as it takes only a few seconds to explain in real time to a partner you are dealing with a bit of a crisis.
There is a little red flag in my mind over the lack of long term relationships by his late 50's?

@Stepcount This limbo is awful for you, I hope Mr V does come round tonight to talk.

Its always hard to juggle work, friends, hobbies and relationships but it's worked for you both for 3 years so hopefully it isn't about him wanting more time with friends.
Going off grid for 8 hours doesn't feel right especially as you were due to meet.
It would only take seconds to send a message.

@Stepcount are you thinking he has met someone else? I remember you talked about issues before with intimacy and financial things but you were both committed to keeping going.

I don't envy you @Stepcount , this is the kind of stuff that puts me off dating all together . He's being very cruel here . In your position I'd suspect he's met someone else and I'd probably look at ending it myself before he does . I don't think I'd be able to forgive him for leaving me hanging and messing with my feelings like that .

@Stepcount I hope you get the answers you need soon, his mental health may be suffering but in turn he's damaging yours. I think I'd be looking to end things rather than leave all the power with him. Although if he is suffering you would feel guilty, I know that. Sending positive vibes your way

@Stepcount I'm sorry he's putting you through this. I get that he might be in a dark place at the moment but that no reason to drag you there to by leaving you in limbo like this. I can't really offer any advice as you've been with him so long and have feelings for him (I haven't really done long term or feelings for anyone since ex dh) but I know I tap out at the slightest hint of anyone messing me around. I hope you get answers today but if he bottles it again I'd say you need to take control of the situation and end it.

Morning and thank you everyone for showing me support and offering your thoughts. Everything that anyone has said has gone through my mind multiple times. Of any of the possible explanations, him meeting someone else is on one hand the least likely but would clearly be the most upsetting. When I was awake in the night I started to feel a bit calmer and more disengaged from him, feeling that for him to be this way over the last few days is not kind. He could, if he chose to, have said by now what is the problem and therefore by not doing so I think it is the relationship and he doesn’t know how to say it to me.

I called him, saw he was on WhatsApp so thought f@(k this and rang. It rang out and went to voicemail so I just said hi, can you call me in a minute please. He rang back a couple of minutes later. He apologised about yesterday. I was really calm and non confrontational but I said that the not talking was really impacting me and it couldn’t go on etc. Was it our relationship that was the problem? Etc. In a nutshell he said that he just feels like he doesn’t want to do anything, there are no external influences, he said we need to talk because he knows that this impacts our relationship. He was insistent that he wanted to see me in person to talk about it. I said that I would go to him tonight. This gives me more control of the situation. It may not necessarily help our relationship to progress but it helps me to feel vindicated that what I believe to be true about us and him is the case.

*that we are close and on reasonable terms but that he’s succumbed to depression/low mood.

Stepcount

sounds messy and confusing

just know that if for any reason he can’t continue you Will Be Ok (eventually )

fuck knows what’s going on in his head

and I understand he’s become a central part of your life

but if for any reason he can’t continue you will come through this ok ?

@Stepcount

So sorry to read this. You've always been a very compassionate and balanced poster and here and super kind to me and I've seen how you've handled previous wobbles.

He is not treating you well and for me that would enough to draw the line. You don't let someone you care about be in such turmoil for 2/3 days whilst you decide what you want to say. I know that knots in stomach anxiety, sleeplessness and lack of apetite feel so well, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

You've been massively supportive to him- even financially if I remember right.

Whatever he says tonight, please make it clear he cannot treat you like this in the future.

Take care of yourself Stepcount xxxx

@Thisisworsethananticpated thank you- yes I will be okay. Since talking to him the majority of the anxious feeling has subsided because I feel like I have an opportunity to address things this evening. I know that the problem still exists and there is no instant fix. I am emotionally invested in him, he is an integral part of my life and my girls/wider family etc. At present there is no reason to instantly detach- or I don’t feel the need/have the ability right at this moment. Tonight something might be said though to shift that.

@Myfabby that’s a lovely message and I am touched by your kind words. I also know that what you say comes from a position of supporting me and helping me to see what others might see or feel- empowering me in a measured way to see my worth. And to point out that Mr V’s actions are hugely self centred/ self absorbed - something I have flagged up with him before. I will proceed with caution and not let my compassion override taking care of my own needs too. Xx
I’m going to take a mental break from this for a few hours and get out with my DDs before work. Thank everyone. 💐

@Stepcount I'm pleased you have had a partial conversation with Mr V so you at least know the topic of conversation.

Depression/low mood can strike out of nowhere and sometimes it is hard to explain why you feel like you do.

I feel like you need to give him a chance to get better but only if he communicated with you and seeks help. But there does need to be regular check ins especially if he doesn't want to see you.

It would be good to understand what he did last time to manage his mental health when he suffered before.

I do totally understand depression as my ex husband suffered all our marriage, at times it was so difficult as he would literally go to work and then sit/sleep in front of the TV the rest of the time.
Occasionally he got a burst of energy and would do something like mow the garden but mainly he slept or watched TV.
It was no life for me and our kids.
I know he couldn't help it but it doesn't make it any easier.
My DD tells me he is still the same now, when he is not at work he sleeps all the time. He had 2 weeks off recently and promised DD they would do stuff while she was back from Uni but they didn't and he slept the whole time.

For me in a new relationship I am looking for someone who doesn't have mental health difficulties or if they do it is under control as I spent 19 years living a life with a severely depressed person and it impacted us all and is no life.

@Stepcount, I have been reading the updates on the thread and it’s such a sad situation. Like @SortingItOut, my ex has ongoing mental health problems and is still not in a place to get the help he needs. It is so hard but you must put yourself first, whatever the outcome pf your discussion sending a hug 🫂

@Stepcount
Tough to read your updates,

I know it doesn’t help but I hope everything works out with you & Mr V,
you gave me some wise words of advice in the past and I sincerely hope everything works out for you

Sending hugs @Stepcount, thinking on you.

Morning. I’m getting this out of my head before I get too bogged down with my thoughts and updating the few friends IRL who know what has been happening.
Thank you to everyone here for all the support. I saw Mr V last night and things are all but over between us. He doesn’t feel able to be in a relationship at the moment ( and no idea if he will ever again) I realised fully last night how complex people are. Everything he said ties in with who I know him to be, how past life events have shaped him and manifest in him now. He is confused and weighed down by what he’s feeling and despite it sounding like a cliche he said it was absolutely nothing to do with me or our interactions. I was just calm and reasoned and reacting to him almost more as a friend might do when someone is struggling. Of course I need to now take care of myself and currently feel rather numb. The door has been left ajar because I don’t think either of us can comprehend the thought of never seeing the other again and with the small hope that this will ease for him if further tests reveal something physical contributing to it. I am going to step away from him for a while and try to give myself some time to decompress. Luckily there is enough to distract me in the coming weeks and I plan to focus on time with my DDs and friends whilst letting things settle.

@Stepcount Oh wow, I wasn't expecting that.
Have some hugs and love💗🤗

Its good that he has been honest with you and not kept you hanging.

It is perfectly fine to feel and do whatever you want to do. Grief after a relationship is a funny old thing.

Please look after yourself🩷

Sorry to hear your update @Stepcount 😞 take care as you heal x

Stepcount

sorry
HUGS

i strongly advocate 3 weeks no contact
it’s a process that Matthew hussey talks about but it really helps reset

you are heartbroken 💔 and a 3 week total break (this includes all social media ) gives YOU space to heal

remember you are also suffering and you need to put yourself first now , so let him know you respect his decision and he needs to now give you space

anyway we all handle this differently but self care and some space

his problems are his problem now
your focus is YOU

Hi, hope ok to post on this thread. I'm toe dipping into OLD, but trying free options - is it even worth it. A like , 1-2 messages, then nothing 🤷🏼‍♀️. What's working for people ? Mid 50s female, need bit of hope and advice please 🙏🏼

Free isn’t worth it
as you have such limited functionality

if only trying one I’d say either tinder or bumble as most people on them

unless London then Hinge

and just do one at a time

and decent profile pics

I’d recommend Bumble and don’t pay straight away but they often offer 50% off deals of a limited period.

Im over 50 and tbh it’s been fairly grim so far but I’ve got a date Saturday so fingers crossed