Dating Thread 242 - Mid-Summer daters

[qqq82]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Stepcount I am really sorry you’re dealing with this! I agree with the others, he doesn’t seem well but appears to be taking steps to get help. I guess the thing to consider is you and how you are feeling moving forwards. I left my ex due to his mental health, as after two years of him not dealing with it it took a huge toll on mine.

Please make sure you have a support group for you or work EAP, someone you can lean on. It’s hard supporting someone managing this. Sending hugs.

Thank you @Meepme , @LuckyLinda3 and @LittleFloatingGhost for your thoughts and support. Mr V and I have spoken at our usual times today but it feels like ‘the elephant in the room’ has been there each time. He has managed to get a GP appointment for the morning and he’s going to call me afterwards. I guess we will see what the Dr thinks tomorrow and if Mr V gets some reassurance from seeing someone. I think he has a bit of health anxiety in general. Currently I don’t feel excluded but I don’t feel included either so my anxiety is still sitting very uncomfortably with me and it’s not a pleasant feeling. I wish I could find a bit more positivity but I was probably already feeling a bit low /isolated myself. Thank you again.

I’m close to giving up. Seriously I just attract wronguns.

Started chatting to a bloke yesterday fairly local. So after a few exchanges he messaged just now saying ‘thing is babe I’m a busy man. Working today as you do but finish at 7 so maybe if you’re free after 8 I could drive over to yours and we could hook up if you know what I mean’

Yes I know exactly what you mean ‘babe’ and I’ll decline your kind offer.

And he’s in his late 50’s ffs - sigh

😂😳At least you know where you stand.
Some app users obviously have a brass neck.

@SamW98 ugh that’s awful, it’s like some men are trying to OLD like an app for sex workers without the paying them bit. Disgusting.

Stepcount

sorry to hear this
it’s a tough one as whilst you love him your not in a ‘living together ‘ type relationship
so its way harder to support him

(1) his mental health is his issue to address , you can be supportive but he and only he can tackle this
(2) sounds like this is really impacting you and even though you only see him 1-2 times a week sounds like he’s a very major player in your life

For you 2 concerns me more - as its that weird thing that romantic partners can become so central to wellbeing - even when it’s not a full time thing

basically are you looking after yourself enough ?

SamW98 I'm sorry you are finding it tough. It's sooo hard to find somebody nice(normal) isn't it

Oatycookies They absolutely do. There is a forum on this dating site I'm on, & daily, men start a thread asking 'Is anybody up for fun in 'this' area?' (They get deleted but stay up for a day or so before hand)

Stepcount I hope you are ok, sounds like a horrible head space for you

LittleFloatingGhost Hoping that you are full of smiles today...x

Thank you. I’m fine I just laugh about it and don’t take any of it seriously anymore.
I ended up chatting to someone else and we had a 2.5 hour phone chat last night but I’m laid back about it. I’m happy with myself and so if a decent man does turn up in the haystack of shite than great, if not I’ll carry on as I am

SamW98 Aah I'm glad you are ok.
Phonecall sounds good! I've never had a call that long, I've had video calls but the men generally end them fairly quickly for my own sake, as they can see how uncomfortable I am

SamW98

aw that’s nice
i don’t know why some people are so blatant about just wanting a fast fuck

however I bet anything their success rate is pretty darn low

@NervesOfCotton so gross… and I can bet in most cases the sexual encounters are not “ fun” for the women. That’s why they’re looking for new victims - the others don’t come back for a repeat performance 🤢

@NervesOfCotton I had such a nice time and definitely going to keep seeing him :)

Aww that's brilliant LittleFloatingGhost I'm really happy for you

@Stepcount How did Mr V get on at the GP?

It sounds like there has been a lot of change for your relationship since last Autumn when the frequency you saw each other changed and seeing each other less will always impact the dynamic.

Hopefully Mr V can get on top of his low mood and get his motivation back.
I agree with someone else who said you have to give him a chance to get on topof things before you make any big decisions.

While Mr V is like this what else do you have to fill your life? What hobbies and interests do you have? Do you see friends much?

Oatycookies

thats true
I’ve only really had one ‘hook up’ like that
it was maybe a potential FWB but afterwards I lay there and wanted to cry !
left , deleted and that was that

it can’t be very enjoyable all the ONS
soul destroying

even a lot of men on FEELD said they didn’t like one night stands and their a turgid bunch

That sounds like a tough experience, yes I’m sure a lot of men and women walk away feeling the same. I’ve heard men tell me that too about ONS.

Hi, thank you for everyone’s support and thoughts. I’m not sure exactly what the update is, a rather mixed bag. Mr V went to the GP and they are going to do blood tests to rule out some physical possibilities like thyroid etc. He stayed in contact via text but we haven’t had our usual regular phone chats. He promised a couple of calls then told me other things that had come up to prevent him calling. I am still in a state of emotional limbo and need to speak to him to understand where he is at with things and a reiteration of how he wants us to function in the coming days etc. Trying to keep busy but physically and mentally drained, not sleeping well. I will try to address a couple of questions/points that you have raised later.

So yesterday Mr V continued to text sporadically saying he would call at a certain time and then not doing so. I left 2 voicemails and in one said that whatever difficult things needed to be said I would prefer to speak and have the conversation. Eventually he answered a call- following a text he’d sent asking if I am free this evening. He said he needed to discuss something with me but was reticent to say what it was over the phone. I asked for some idea , was it regarding us and the future.. yes. So now I am at work, no word from him all day but a promise that he will be at mine at 8pm. My stomach is churning. IF he says he can’t come this evening do I just head to his anyway ? I am really sad but also annoyed that he is leaving me in this limbo. Any thoughts lovely thread friends ?

@Stepcount
That's an odd one for sure, I would say if he was looking for an easy way to end things than on the other end of a phone or a message is an easy way out for him?
The face to face thing is awkward for a break up etc so who knows, I'm not surprised your stomach is churning 🙁

@WtP thank you. I think that he may feel he owes me a FTF discussion because we have been together 3+ years and to all intents and purposes we were going along okay, no arguments but some issues.

Gah @Stepcount no wonder you are feeling churned up! I feel churned up for you! If he fails to show I would definitely go round to his. He must know how hideous this limbo is for you, and it doesn't sound like he's a nasty man, more a depressed one, so I expect he will show up. Have you mapped out some scenarios eg taking a formal break? Best of luck tonight

Thank you @Bowbowbo it’s kind of you to validate how horrible this feeling is. I obviously need to hear what is on his mind. It’s pretty obvious that whatever is going on isn’t going to be resolved just by seeing him later but at least if we speak I know what I’m dealing with. A break is certainly something I have considered but I can’t think straight enough at the moment to imagine how that would feel. I said in the call last night that if he said he was coming over he had to show up and he said he would as he knows that I find his silence very unsettling. He has history for previously ignoring all contact from friends following his mom’s death and I explained that I would struggle to be excluded as it’s not how I react in similar circumstances. It’s the waiting at the moment that is causing anxiety. At least by 8 he’s either on his way/arriving or I am in the car going to see him.

OMG I'm so sorry @Stepcount I missed the bit where you have been together for 3 years!
I'm clenching everything for you now!

The brief update is that we didn’t meet. He text about 7.20pm saying he’d had a rough work day driving which tallies up with events reported on local news- motorway issues- he’s a driver. Could we do Wednesday instead? I said I would go to him but he asked that I didn’t as he wasn’t feeling able to talk, generally unwell. I felt I had no choice but to respect his request. I sent a very supportive but firm message that I would respect his decision but things were impacting me greatly and whatever needed to be addressed was better done sooner rather than later and that tomorrow- Wednesday- had to be a definite. He thanked me and said he would make it happen so … another day of waiting. Thank you to those responding 💕

I really feel for you @Stepcount
The not knowing what it's all about (unless there is something you don't want to divulge) must be eating away at your confidence 😟
I hope he really is a genuine & nice man as whatever is the problem seems to be causing him some angst as well?